In a dilemma....Please help me!!!

AnonymousAlone · Dec 30, 2013

Hi all,

I have been a silent reader for a couple of months and finally ending up here.
I have been married for nearly 2.5 years and since the beginning of marriage, there were more of quarrel and fights than love. Now I got a 1.5 years daughter who is taken care by my MIL as I am working for a IT company. My DH is working in a Mechanical based company in Chennai.
Let me narrate my whole story so that you can help me in taking a decision.
My marriage happened in nearly 1.5 months after we met each other. Its a purely arranged marriage. I was brought up in a city whereas my husband's home is in a small village where even busses are very rare. My parents are both central govt. employees whereas his parents are doing agriculture. But I found nothing superior and never thought of making him feel inferior in any aspect. I loved him from my heart.
He has got 2 elder brothers and 1 elder sister. Right from the beginning, they demanded like anything. Though my parents couldn't afford, they took loans and gave them a car, jewels and cash. But they never stop. They just need more and more. Whatever my parents gave, he kept everything in his sister’s and brother’s house and made me come here empty handed. Even after that he and his family compared me with some other girl and make me feel like i married him as if i have no other go.
After sometime, I questioned him like why should he lie that there is no parking space in this home and keep my car in his sister's house. It started from that incident. Then after many arguments between his family and mine, they returned everything. But they are of no use to me till now. My DH doesn't know to drive, so the car is just idle and all my jewels are in a bank and my DH kept everything in his name.
For nearly 2.3 years, I was such a stupid that I would transfer all i earn and keep only nearly 2000Rs in my account. Finally I understood he is just a show-off. His brothers have taken all the lands and their homes for them. His sister was at least married with some jewels. My DH is left empty handed. He was the one who had to do even his marriage expense. He has bought a home in Chennai a year before marriage. Nobody has even supported him for buying that home. He got loans and my jewels and my salary is now paying it. He has also taken LICs and paying nearly a lakh every year. But he is very cautious that I don’t even hold 1000 Rs. in my name anywhere.
I started understanding everything slowly, but still thought I should support my DH. After all, he is saving for me and my child. But, what happened was, this man made me get a personal loan and still I am unable to repay it thought my salary is now enough to close it in 2 months. I was again asked to take a loan and I did, but to my luck, the bank rejected it due to some reasons.
So, I just have a month's salary and a kid right now. I was never treated good right from the beginning and he just calls everybody and complains of me. He even calls his friend’s dad and create a big scene and every month he fights and asks me to get out of his home. My MIL is a very dramatic person who always manipulates things and finally make me a fool. Believe me, don’t think villagers are innocent. This whole family has all the tactics to make even the most wisest person look stupid. I was ignored in all family functions. I cannot even ask my DH. As everybody knows he is always against me they very happy and treated me bad more in his absence. He wants me to treat them very good though they just play dramas. We need to get them dresses every year and ask his bros and sister’s children come for every vacation and make their stay very happy. But they will never even care to get a dress for my daughter.
But my DH will never accept those things and will always find fault in me. Now let me come to the dilemma. I trusted my husband blindly and gave him every single penny I have. But now, I have lost my trust as every month he says that it is his house and I have to go to my mom’s house. This year also he spent a lot for his family for Diwali on credit card and wants it to be repaid with my salary. He never even opened his mouth on my personal loan.
Now I have got a Govt job in which salary is nearly half of what I get in hand now and I also got an offer from one of the biggest IT firms with nearly 30% hike in what I get in hand now. My husband is laid off from his job and his Last Working Day would be on March. What should I decide now? I f I go for Govt. Job, my life would be secure, but I cannot afford for the home loan. If I go for the IT Job, I might earn more money but end up with an unsecure Job which might be even lost after some years. I am confused on which one to decide. Please help me.

manasgl · Dec 30, 2013

I have gone through your sad story where u have been deprived of all the respect, financial security, love in your in laws family and worst of all by your husband. before suggesting you what to do, may I ask you the financial burden that you have in your personal name in the form of loans. It is the biggest irony in India, where women are worshiped, the same woman is bullied by most of the Indian males. This much I can suggest right now that you should not loose this opportunity to join a Govt. job. More advise can be given once I know about your own financial burden.( not your husband).

shama146 · Dec 30, 2013

Go for the govt job. Security is much important than short term gains.

AnonymousAlone · Dec 30, 2013

I nearly had 2.5 L out of which nearly 1L is pending.
I was supposed to take another for 4.5L which the bank rejected. I was sad at that moment as it got rejected. Now I feel happy for it.

Priyas660 · Dec 30, 2013

Dear op, why are you thinking so much about the home loan when your husband is least bothered about you or your happiness? Is the home in your name too or just in your husband's name?
If it is in your husband's name don't bother about repaying, tell him that you don't have money, which is the truth! Why are you breaking your head about something which is not yours?

And regarding the job offers, you have to decide based on your current situation and your preferences. If you want to make money and save and retire early, then get into the private job. Else go for the govt one. But that is not the important thing here.

The first thing you have to do is, start concentrating on yourself and your kid and your future. Your husband can drown in his loans, by the time he realizes that his family is using him, it will be too late. Don't waste your precious life waiting for that time. Concentrate on securing your and your child's future!

AnonymousAlone · Dec 30, 2013

Thanks manasgl, shama146, Priyas660 for your suggestions!!
Priyas660 ...House is in his name. What bothers me here is, if I take up Govt. Job my DH would become more angry on me as if I take up this decision not to support him financially which would ultimately develop more hatred towards me.

Priyas660 · Dec 30, 2013

Why do you want to support him financially when he is not bothered about you. You said that he says it is his house and asked you to go to parents place. So why are you taking responsibility.
Do one thing, don't tell him about your other job offer. Just tell him about this govt job. And tell him you have only this option. When you take up the job, start saving slowly for your child's future. He has to man up and learn to mange his money better. Why are so afraid about supporting him financially?

AnonymousAlone · Dec 30, 2013

Priyas660 ...
Sorry to say, but really I am so scared..Even for posting here I was thinking too much...
I even had the same plan of hiding the offer from IT...My Bad Luck!! They sent it via post and it was already opened before I come home...
I don't know why but I always think he should not worry for his loans and I should support him and finish up his loans. But the way he treats me has changed me now.
Now, what i think is,if i go for this govt. offer he would shout at me saying that inspite of knowing that he will be jobless in few months, I have decided not to support him and have taken such a decision.

Priyas660 · Dec 30, 2013

Yes, i understand that it could lead to fights at home. But finally it is your decision. You have to check the job profile + flexibility and decide for yourself which job suits you better. And if you decide for the govt job then you have to explain him the reasons clearly. tell him why you went for it, be honest, tell him you might nt get this kind of offer later in life and the flexibility helps to give more time for the family etc. Everything depends on your decision. But what i was trying to say, don't let his financial problems affect your decision. Because he has been reckless in his spending habits, over spending on the credit card and expecting you to take loans and clear his debts is just too much. So just think for yourself what suits you and take up that offer.

Remember always, you are not responsible for others mistakes. he is a father and he has to become more responsible in his spending. he has to learn some lessons. If you keep on supporting him financially neglecting your needs, then it will become a habit. he will get used to it. He will never learn to be a responsible man.

So think about your life and future security while taking the decision. Do not take any decision thinking you have to help him. Not worth it i think. Be mature and explain your decision to him in a calm and mature way. Don't show him that you don't want to support him. Encourage him to plan his finances, offer him to open a joint savings account, where you both put in some money for the future. Or go in for some joint investments. Show him that you care about him and try to change him with tact.

snm1984 · Dec 30, 2013

After all this you still call him "DH" ?
Just what do you love about this insensitive man?I feel sorry for your parents,you should have put your foot down and said a firm "No" to their first demands then and there.Sorry to say this but you are to a large extent responsible for getting into this mess.I don't know what to say but at least now take control of the situation make him responsible for is actions.