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I'm worried about my best friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by newmom2010, Sep 9, 2010.

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  1. newmom2010

    newmom2010 Senior IL'ite

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    My best friend from India called me last night and I got to know she is having an affair with her brother-in-law. I feel sad, devastated but I'm happy for her because she has never been happier in life.

    She is married to a man who is not of her choice and he really is not good enough for her but she can't leave him because of her parents. Her parents would not be able bear the social trauma.

    I don't think an extra marital affair is always wrong, if a person is stuck in a marriage and something outside gives them happiness, its fine. This is one life and we have x years. So, we cannot sulk forever because of one thing in life.

    But her BIL, I know everybody, her husband, his brother, his wife. I love my friend, know her for 15 years and she is actually like my sister. And they are all good people in their own ways. Even her husband is a nice guy just not best for her. In fact my DH and her H are big buddies and beer partners. So, I cannot share with my DH about this.

    She says she is following her duties as a wife and not doing anything to hurt her husband. She is doing this on the side to keep herself happy before she gives up on life completely. She is a nice nice person.

    Do you think I should support her? Do you think I should force her to end this? I know my words will matter to her so I want to be careful. When she started sharing certain things that happened between her and the BIL, like the usual girlie stuff, I could not hear it because imagining them together was freaking me out.

    Right now, I told her I'm so shocked I don't know how to react. I told her this is risky but she said her DH will never know as they have been married for 16 years. She know her husband well enough.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Newmom,

    No other second thoughts,immedialty ask her to stop it.Once this realtion comes into lime light,her life will be very miserable and only option she would think that time will be suiside.
    Is that ok for her ,her husband to cheat on her.On top of it she is having affair in the own family.It's extermely unethecial and dangerous act.
    Did she ever though that is she also part of the problem where her marriage was not happy.Lot of people fail to understand there own acts and only try to find problems in the other person.
    Don't they think her BIL wife is dumb?I really don't know how could they do this?
    Immediatly ask her to stop otherwise she should stand on the road with shame one day.
     
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  3. twity

    twity Bronze IL'ite

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    I don't think an extra marital affair is always wrong, if a person is stuck in a marriage and something outside gives them happiness, its fine. This is one life and we have x years. So, we cannot sulk forever because of one thing in life.


    These statement look mear bull**** to me.extra marital affair is always wrong..It will spoil the family....
    A person with extra marital affair can not be ture to anyone.......

    Regards,
    Janaki
     
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  4. ArchanaP

    ArchanaP Silver IL'ite

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    16 years of marriage, her husband is nice person, yet she has an extra marital affair and it is being justified that this is only one life ... so on and so forth.

    Your friend is happy, and you are happy for her because she is happy. Let me ask you something. Let's change the roles here for a minute. If your friend's BIL's wife was in your friend's place would you have supported her actions. Or let's say if your husband was in your friend's BIL's position, would you have supported your friend. Just answer these questions and you will answer your own questions.

    She does not have guts to speak up for herself but she has guts to have an affair out of marriage. That's shameful, just shameful.
     
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  5. sheetz1

    sheetz1 New IL'ite

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    Oh Jeez! Tough tough situation...a lot of people stray in marriages due to various reasons but someone in the family...specially DH bro who is already married is ASKING for trouble! She says her parents cant bear the trauma of her seperating from her DH and what if this comes out????it only spells onething EXTREME DANGER!
    You should remind her of the risks and stay out of it.....
     
  6. PinksAndBlues

    PinksAndBlues Senior IL'ite

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    Hi newmom
    Extra marital affairs are never a good thing. In this case more so because the other person is her own husband's brother. Here not only is the husband wife's relationship at risk , but the husband's entire family is going to be shattered if they ever find out.

    She has been married for 16 yrs ? That's quite a long time. Does she have children? Can you imagine what they will go through if they find out their mom is having an affair and that too with their own uncle. Just because her husband is not her choice , does he deserve this ? You say he is a good person, so is this fair on him ? When she got married , she knew what she was getting into. She got into a commitment and actually has no reason to be backing out now. Yes it is one life but what about all the other lives involved here? Hurting others for your own satisfaction will not get you anywhere in life.

    She should either
    1) Forget this whole thing and try living happily with her husband. This is the hard way out , will require a lot of adjustments on her part,but it is definitely better in my opinion
    or
    2)If she really is so serious about this new relationship, atleast do it the ethical and right way. Talk to her husband, get a divorce and then carry on with her life. Atleast she is not cheating this way and maybe her husband can carry on with his life himself.

    Just read the part about the BIL being married too. Wow this is really too much now ..I would say they need to put an end to this altogether.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2010
  7. sita2223

    sita2223 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry to say but she seems like a characterless person to me. Stuck in marriage bcos of parents seems to be a lame excuse. Will her parents be proud of her EMA? I bet not. She is still doing it anyway 'to keep herself happy' (in your words). BTW one doesn't need to have an affair to be happy. A lot of women in bad marriages find happpiness in their kids, work, hobbies etc. EMA is NEVER acceptable for whatever reason. I can't believe your statement on EMA. And you already seemed to have decided to support her, looks so from your post. In my opinion, you shouldn't.
     
  8. bebe

    bebe Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear NewMom

    please tell me: Are we ethically and morally allowed to make ourselfs happy over the happiness of the people closest to us? Your friend finds it okay to have an EMA so that her walking out of her marriage will not make her parents unhappy, but she has no concerns to hurt her husband and her co-sis? That does not account for a nice nice person in my eyes. What about her children? and her BIL children? Is it okay to make them unhappy in such a situation?

    There are always different ways to pursue happiness, your friend (at least in my eyes) has definetely choosen the wrong way...


    Have you ever been on the receiving end of an EMA? Please put yourselfs in her husbands and her co-sis shoes? But since you have nothing against cheating, you maybe cannot feel their pain....
     
  9. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    newmom are you for real?

    you are freaking out in another posting because your husband wanted to go to a concert with a female colleague. but you are defending your friend's unethical and family ruining behavior because it makes her happy?

    just imagine if your DH told you "yes I am having an affair with the PYT because she gives me happiness". How would you feel then?

    If I were you, I'd end my friendship with such a morally and ethically shallow character who went after her own BIL. That is just too sick!
     
  10. newmom2010

    newmom2010 Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks very much for your responses. I love you all for taking the time to share your opinion and helping me think through this.

    I want to add some detail here. She and me are like twin sisters, we are actually alike. We both were in love and she chose to give in to her family and get married while I was the rebel and married my DH. It was not fun, my DH's parents didnt come for our wedding and they did not speak with him for 3 yrs. Me and my friend discuss about the pros and cons of our steps a lot of times and I think its kind of balanced. While her in-laws love her she is really an amazing DIL, her equation with her DH is not as great. She has been married 16 yrs, has tried everything, tried to love her DH but he's just not her types. Tried to sulk, she sulked for years. She has also had a couple of affairs earlier and I'm a very good friend to one of her ex.

    About finding out, her DH will not find out. He never did in so many years, he doesn't doubt his wife. She does every duty as a wife like pooja etc and all the usual stuff. Her DH doesn't see anything wrong in their life. Once he came early and saw his wife and brother at home but he didn't suspect anything. He is 8 yrs elder to his wife and his brother is 5 yrs younger.

    In big cities atleast like the one I'm from people work in shifts, are very busy and they don't keep a tab on their wife as much as we think. Everyone is career oriented.

    She is also clear she will never leave her DH, she wants the family equation to stay the same way, its all good.

    I know its hard to believe but many women are in loveless marriages and its really hard to be physical with someone you don't love. It happens but she does everything and I respect her for that.

    I don't think the possibility of bringing this out in the open will ever come because its not logical, too much mess for parents, too much drama. parents are old and happy that their daughter is settled, let me die peacefully, why create this havoc. And who knows what her DH will do, he is surely not going to give her a plain divorce. He might kill them, do anything. I would never do that and pray it never happens.

    Would I have done such a thing, who knows maybe if I was in her situation, I would have done it too. I don't know. Things are not same in our married life so I can't compare.

    Sorry for the long post, I cannot even focus on work today and have so much to do.
     
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