I'm Pregnant And Confused. Urgent Advice Needed

My 2cents worth.....

First baby is very precious, terminating is not an option(my view).
No matter how cautiously you plan, there is no perfect time to have a baby.

 

@pinky2cute ,
Your situation sounds too precarious to have a baby and become a mother at this point of time. You wrote "there are lot of unfortunate people who can't conceive and are childless" , I could make the counter-argument that there are a lot of unfortunate children who grow up stunted, emotionally dis-balanced, without good opportunities and unable to reach their full potential as human beings due to lack of mature parenting. Your husband seems too immature to be a good parent, you are not capable yet of supporting a child properly on your own. Basically, the child will become your parents' responsibility, do they deserve that in their old age? My question is why would you want to bring a child into the world when you are neither ready nor prepared - mentally, emotionally, physically (you said you have many health issues too) or financially? Is that fair to the child?

 

Dear OP, Abortion is an option one should use in extremely rare cases & you definitely don’t fall in that category.

I think you can pull off your studies & exams even while being pregnant. I did something like that but totally at my will meaning higher level studies which were totally optional for me. You seem smart & totally capable of doing both.

Also, IMHO , if you go the abortion route , it may be over there, but it may linger in your head forever! Meaning I see a high regret / loss of mental peace associated with that option . Also who knows, that child could be the next big celebrity or the smartest scientist the world has ever seen! Trying to make the situation light for you So, think carefully before deciding, good luck !

 

Pregnant girls can go to exams. Just do it.
Really Odd Facts About Destinations....

 

plz keep the child .. if God want you to have child God will take care of you during pregnancy.

I was bullied and harassed during pregnancy yet I prayed for God to protect my baby. Also I listened to lot if Mozart, Bach, Beethoven to help fetus brain development.

After third trimester God took baby away (and kicked abusive ex away)

A please try to keep baby.. you will most likely get chance to study but having baby again probability is less as women get older

 

The ultimate choice is yours as you have to live with this choice.

You have stated that with your health issues, this pregnancy is a surprise.
What if you abort right now and have challenges in conceiving again ?
Fertility treatments costs lakhs, takes time, screw your body, n the emotional trauma is high, will you be able to handle that ?


Health wise - it's better to continue with the pregnancy.


If you are in a real bad marriage n feel that you have no future with him - then it's not fair for the baby.


Studies n career:
I have had friends who went fully pregnant to write their exams. Or worked till the day of delivery. Am not exaggerating, but just stating the fact.

So don't see pregnancy as a villain for studying or working. N Some of them got back to their work with barely 60 days of maternal leave. They extract breast milk n store in the fridge.

Either you n your husband move in to the same place of work n take turns to take care or hire a live in nanny.
Even if you have to continue living alone, hire help. There are offices that has in campus crèche n has feeding breaks.
I don't believe in forcing the parents to uproot to just help us, but if they volunteer, you can get help from them.

So a child doesn't really mean an end of your career. It's all in you. You want to make something work, do whatever it takes.


If you are worried about hygiene n food, you can try out few options, stating as seen..

One friend hired a 1 bhk apartment n hired a Full time maid / cook to stay with her, so in case of emergency, someone was always there.

Another took one room in an apartment n ordered home made food from somewhere close to her. Not sure whether it was from a shop or a known lady.

Another stayed in a pg n paid the cook there extra to make good food for her.

So everything else can be sorted if you are willing to go the extra mile.

The strongest point to consider is your marriage here, if you see no future with your husband, then state that reason to your husband n abort. Also make sure that he does not hold this over you if you guys choose to stay together in the future but has challenges in conceiving.

Do what you feel is right. Trust your instincts.

 

I dont know what the well experienced and wise ILites out here had to tell.

IMHO, bringing a baby to the world is a life changing phenomenon. It definitely gives so much pleasure to have that cute bundle of joy in our hands but whats next? Are you prepared physically and mentally..Even with support, managing a baby is a daunting task and with a H like yours it will be v difficult. So I would suggest you to wait till you stabilize financially and mentally. A baby should be brought into this world only if you feel that your H is suitable and a matured enough Husband and father to you both. There should be no second thoughts or what ifs associated..Bringing the baby is the first step and giving her/him a beautiful childhood and making them into a responsible and sane human beings is a real challenge..

You have listed out all your problems..your career is the only definite thing that wont fail you. So concentrate on it completely..Do your exams well..get a degree and start going for a job..When you become financially independent, most of your problems would be sorted out.

Though my heart screams you to keep this child, my brain tells me the harsh truth..My blood boils when i see those dull sullen eyes of innocent children who are victims of dysfunctional family. We alone know how strong we are..In my case, when I conceived everyone were happy but I had to struggle all alone being a working mom..I used to cry a lot..During delivery too added to that extreme physical pain, my MIL created unnecessary drama and those days were horrible..Even now, I am tired managing work, home and baby alone..I feel now that I was neither ready nor strong enough for motherhood!..So I am v clear of not having a second child. even if it means i have to terminate my pregnancy. But if you feel really strong and empowered enough, go ahead! Best wishes

 

hey @pinky2cute - I've been following your posts from the time you were a newly wed. Although I don't respond to posts that much on IL these days, your post prompted me to post a response. My response may sound counter-intuitive, but be patient and read it through. Some tough love coming your way - so brace yourself.

1. Let me state my point first : I don't think you will ever leave your husband. Nor will he leave you. I say this because while your problems with him are complaint-worthy, they are not yet at divorce-worthy levels. And you know it too. Also, you love him despite his flaws and he does love you, inspite of his parents' influence. The relationship isn't that nuclear-toxic - i.e physical violence, criticism, stonewalling, total communication cut-off, addiction or extra marital issues, no intimacy issues either as far as I can tell. Not that these are the only legitimate reasons for divorce. But the plain truth is if you had to leave your husband, you would have left him a long time ago ! Instead what have you both done ? Invested more and more in the relationship. Quite the opposite of someone who is likely to divorce anytime soon. Both you and your husband come from a solid middle class background with middle class values with typical middle-class inlaw issues. The likelyhood that you will divorce in the next 5-10 years looks slim. Are you going to wait that long to have a child ?
   
2. These quotes re-iterate the point I just made - Your actions contradict what you claim to be feeling. ie. you both are committed enough to work on the relationship to stabilize it. You are even thinking into the future WITH your husband (where his flaws get worse) - with a so called dysfunctional family setup. But I haven't seen you say anything that indicates you are seriously thinking of a life without him. So again, my point is you are neck deep in this relationship and unlikely to leave in the near term.
3. This pregnancy is a good trigger to determine your own feelings about this relationship. Keeping the child or not, your studies etc is a separate issue. Let's park that for now. The real question is not pregnancy related. The real question is should you spend more time with a man with whom you are afraid of have a child ? I suggest you think long and hard about yourself and your husband. If you decide to abort, I suggest you seriously also consider divorcing now. Can you also see yourself advancing the decision to divorce NOW rather than after 6 months or 1 year ? What I am suggesting is based on Human behavior - the more humans invest rightly or wrongly in one thing, the less likely they are going to walk away from it. That's the truth. So when you say, "we plan to stabilize our relationship", I am hearing "more investment". You claim to be waiting for more data to support your idea of divorce. But you are unlikely to get any "more" data. If you have to make a decision to leave your husband based on what you know TODAY, will you or can you leave him ? If your answer is CANNOT (which I will guess it is), I will say that you should just give up this fantasy of escaping from this marriage & having an alternate ending. Put both feet into the relationship knowing that you have chosen love over everything else, and proceed with having the baby.
   
4. This tells me that you better not take your own fertility for granted. Don't have a kid cos other childless couples are unable to have one. Are you saying you are some sort of martyr or a saint ? Infact if you want to do humanity a favor, pls do not add to the 6 billion population. Do you realize that sometimes in the rare cases, conceiving after abortion have proved to be challenging ? The human body is still a mystery despite all these scientific advancements. The wisest thing to do will be to keep it. Also, just curious, if you are already overweight with PCOD & other issues, plus the fact that you have conceived a man's child once, are you that naive to think you are going to get a free pass when you try and find another man ? Despite being the feminist that I am, I would say the odds are loaded against you in the traditional middle class indian society. Also, your husband's character flaws aren't as bad as the kind of character flaws that you will find in the divorced man market.
   
5. The so-called life issues you mention that your pregnancy comes in the way of is bogus. Lots of women have run entire corporations while pregnant. Other IL folks have also shared how they triumphantly managed pregnancy and their own life stressors. I am not saying it's easy but it's not impossible either. Infact, it's totally do-able and you can be proud of it.

Look in a nutshell - all I am saying is, get real about yourself and your life. It's time to grow up and stop being childish. Decide on your relationship before deciding on your pregnancy. If you relationship is bad enough to consider aborting a child, then maybe you should walk the talk, and also end your marriage now instead of investing further. Can you do that ? Relationships are constant work over time. So it may never reach a state of nirvana perfect to have a child. Besides, you have your own contributions to blame towards the state of this marriage - that you are staying away from your husband. You guys haven't had a proper marital life together, cohabiting etc. Maybe he could be brought under your influence when you live together & your problems will be more under control.

So in my humble opinion, I think you should keep the kid, finish your degree, move back with your husband, accept the relationship and get on with a job and life. Have a good life and pregnancy !