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I'm Pregnant And Confused. Urgent Advice Needed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Nov 22, 2017.

  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Gold IL'ite

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    Hello all,
    Maybe I should be posting this in pregnancy forum but since its more of marital and general issue, I'm posting here. If it's not relevant to married forum pls excuse me.

    As by my past posts many may know that I have a immature husband and wortheless inlaws with whom i have cut all my ties except formal hi hellos wenever I go home( I'm currently staying in a hostel due to my studies and go once in a month to my husbands home where inlaws too stay).

    So we had decided not to get pregnant till my studies are over (another 6months) plus til our relation stabilises. But unplanned, pregnancy test came positive.
    Now my husband is confused and says he is not financially stable nor mentally prepared fr the baby but he said if I want to continue, he will support me.
    Inlaws- no sign of happiness on knowing their son and DIL are gonna be parents. Their first reaction - MIL said " you both didnt want pregnancy till 2yrs ..how did this happen...why didnt u take precaution".

    My parents reactions -they are happy and ready to support me in every decision whatever it maybe.

    Myself- my exams are 6months away...meaning I WILL BE NEARLY FULL TERM by the time my exams start.... Practically I feel I should terminate it and complete my studies....
    But emotionally... my heart says there are lot of unfortunate people who can't conceive and are childless...n here I'm blessed with kid yet how can I be cruel and kill it.....


    I know ultimately I have to make a choice... I'm already in end of 1st trimester.... i cant delay the decision more if i dont want to keep this baby.
    (PLEASE dont use cruel words for me for even thinking about abortion... no woman wud want to end it without emotions).

    My reasons of why I want to not continue-
    1. It's gonna be difficult to decide either baby or career when all my years of hardwork is at stake.
    If i pass the exam in coming 6months I'M gonna get my masters degree.

    2. My relation with my husband is sti unstable. He doesnt spend for me. He is financially not stable either earns very less most of which goes in paying bills.
    3. I have this scary feeling of what if in future after baby also he may not change and be under influence of his parents...if we separate... wat will be the fate of kid?? I dont want my kid to suffer.
    4. If i continue with pregnancy, I'm in hostel...with exams nearing...i cant take leave.... and here no proper food nobody to take care of me incase any preg related complications arise in coming months.
    I'm also overweight with thyroid and pcod and i was initially fearing i may have difficulty in conceiving but its surprize that without any efforts ofcourse unplanned...but i conceived!

    I dont even know if i should be happy or sad.
    I also feel bad and guilty to end it...n fear what if I wont be able to conceive later when we are more stable and plan for pregnancy as i am aware of the complications with my health conditions and weight!


    Pls advice without judging me for thinking about ending pregnancy.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
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  2. prreeya

    prreeya Silver IL'ite

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    If you are not sure about your relationship with husband. I will say don't go ahead with pregnancy. I know we all think that relationship get stronger after kids but if not kids only suffer and looking at kids mom is going to suffer. First get your study done and same time glue up with your husband and then go for pregnancy.

    Sorry if my words hurt you but I learned this and believe now in thinking about plus and minus both things for each situation.
     
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  3. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    OP, I am so sorry that you have to deal with so much stress.

    I am sure you would have already considered this, but if you havent already, have you thought about taking a break from your studies for a sem or two? I know how important it is for you, to get done with your masters as I had seen quite a few posts from you about your studies.
     
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  4. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    I feel sad for ur situation. One thing I will tell u , Child has come to u now, so maybe it is what God has destined to u. Ultimately u r going to take the decision. Personally Idon't want you to go through the turmoil . Many women who underwent complications in pregnancy which led to fetal death underwent turmoil (this happened to me). So take decision that will always keep u happy.
     
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  5. DDream

    DDream Gold IL'ite

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    I consider kids as gift of god. I am totally against abortion unless there is a medical reason that affect the life of mother/kid. I can understand your concerns very well.

    We are educated. If we don't want a kid we should take precautions (you know your dh, pils, life, career, situation , instability, finance ets well) . You didn't prevent it( not blaming you, but throwing light on the truth, sorry if it hurts you in anyway) . But now you are thinking about punishing a new life (by of killing a baby) for the miscalcualtion of yours. For whatever reasons, it happened. It happened for a reason. Believe in almighty.

    Anyway you are the best one to decide one. Will you kill a 1 year old baby? If you cannot, then how can you kill the tiny one while it is inside your body ( I have watched many videos of this , how horrible it is). May be doing this abortion itself can create lot of mental issues and problems in future . I have seen how my friend suffered when she had a natural abortion.( Also posts in IL forum also)

    If there is a will, there is a way. if your parents are with you.. take it as a challenge. It is not easy, but you can do it.
    One my friend completed her PhD thesis while she was pregnant. I think pregnancy itself gave her lot of focus and drive in studies. Another cousin stayed in hostel due her job in another part away from parents and husband . It was difficult to give up her job. There are so many options. When one door closes another one open for sure

    Your parents are so supportive. May be you can rent an apartment and your parents can stay with you. ( this what my friend did during her pregnancy, during first half stayed in hostel , later rented a home and parents came to support her. She submitted her thesis while she was full term. Submitting thesis is not an easy job it is a very stressful job than writing an exam).

    Take it in positive way for example you get a kid and degree. Even if you have a very supportive husband,women need to sacrifice a lot. That is the truth.

    Think about all options well before taking a decision. Talk to your doctor ( my cousin was about to abort because she wanted to get a job before having a baby. It was the doctor who stopped her. She was blessed with a baby. I later asked her- how do you feel now after having the baby. She said she thank her doctor for stopping her. Her precious son is now a smart boy ~6y during well in studies and other activities.)

    Hugs to you. May almighty give you the right direction. You are the only one who can take a decision. We can just share our thoughts.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2017
  6. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, though I am not doing PhD or any thing now or in 1st trimester , the start of my 2nd trimester was a hectic work for me. We moved from one state to another far off state , I did packing work(my husband's help was very minimum), planning ,2 flights to be taken and lots of discomfort and abdominal pain arranging new home. Then with in 1 month we moved to another state. This time my abdomen ached a lot as the baby became bigger in size and lots of trouble packing , arranging in new home. It was a night mare flight journey as the flight got delayed due to bad weather. I cried in the airport , the airport authority a lady said "be strong, u r going to be a mother".that gave me back my confidence. Travelling alone as my husband drove to the place by car. Many pregnant ladies are like me running behind life. Yes Iam strong now. Only few are lucky to be pampered during pregnancy. That is a gift . but I think God created us to give us more maturity.
     
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  7. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

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    My prayers to u Op.
     
  8. Sandhya13

    Sandhya13 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    You are in a tough situation. No questions about that. But somehow I cannot comprehend in my head the idea of aborting your first child for the circumstances you are in. Don't give up on your first child! You can do it!

    Yes, it is very difficult to manage studies while being pregnant. But it is not impossible. I personally know one person (my close friend, not Indian) who was pregnant during final year of under graduation. She was having severe nausea till 7th month. She had to drive (she was in USA, her DH cannot drive), manage her studies, take care of her health and also work part time in 2 jobs (to finance her studies) all at same time. It was tough but she did it. Also her parents were in a different country at that time. So, no family help. She is an inspiration in many ways to me. She never retorted to self pity EVER.

    All I am saying is that it is NOT impossible to do this.

    Your relationship with your DH is somewhat okay and it looks like you both love and care for each other deeply. If this statement is correct, then, IMHO, this point should not even be taken into account for this matter. You are well educated and will be earning well in the future. But, talk to you DH and decide how you will pay for pregnancy related expenses. Don't make your parents do it. I am sure you have some jewels. You can use that in the worst case.

    OP, you don't have to think like this. No one knows what the future holds. We can only make decisions based on our current situation and hope. Also, Kids with divorced/separated parents grow just fine.

    This is a good point to think about and have a back up plan. So, if at all there is a complication, would be able to take a break and join back after a break, say one year? if there is no complication, there is no need for anyone take care of you. You can very well take care of yourself!

    Stay strong! Take care!
     
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  9. mangaii

    mangaii Silver IL'ite

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    I just want to write about my sister so maybe it would help you. My sister finished her MBBS and when doing Masters she got married. My BIL went to different country and my sister was living with her in-laws ( orthodox family). When my sister became pregnant (not planned) my sister was in worst situation. She had to do so much work at in-laws. My BIL was struggling to fix his career so my sis was not in a situation to talk to him. She had option to abort the child. Although I was in a state I couldn't understand all I knew was she was crying non-stop. My mom told her in worst case if she cannot take care she can leave the baby and she will take care . Our whole family rallied behind her. Every week someone would visit her in laws place in pretext of some work in city and provide her mental support and snacks. She had to do so much physical work so my mom sent extra money to maid servant through third party so she would help her. All the people in the college were so sympathetic and my dad had some friends who helped my sister. It was one of the worst phases of her life. Now after 20 years she is leading oncologist and has a happy family life. Her in laws are no more. The girl is studying medicine. Looking back it was a year struggle but she did come out of it eventually because of my mother.

    In your case think about worst case situation. Women are capable of multi tasking. Personally I don't see any issue between studying and delivering baby. It is difficult but I think lots of girls do get pregnant during Masters period since they are almost 26+ when they start it. I'm sure professors do understand this. Second don't focus on your in-laws reaction. When you yourself said you have hi bye relation then how can you expect them to support you. That is selfish from your side. Well you know about your husband . Please don't assume bringing a child will change him. So don't depend on him. You should be thankful you are not living with in-laws rather in hostel. Even if the food is worst you will get mental peace my not staying with toxic people. Now take your parents support tell them you need support from them as much as possible. Form a support system around you like relatives, friends mom, cousin any kind of support system doesn't matter. Just get through the phase. Once you deliver the baby you can worry about everything else. Focus on being happy. Hope you make the right decision.

    Mangaii
     
  10. zeppelingirl

    zeppelingirl Silver IL'ite

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    You should have been careful about baby.

    I have never seen such a worst parent in my life. They are not happy about their own grandchildren.

    Your husband is also worst. What else can I say. If he is not stable, he shouldn't have put that baby inside your belly.

    Going for job, don't worry about that, if you can leave the baby to your inlaws, you can manage it.

    Or if they don't take care of your baby, just leave the baby with your parents. You will be fine.
     

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