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I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions! (Apologies in advance!)

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ispeaksru, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sure I am not criticizing anyone for what they believe and neither am I asking them to stop doing what they believe.

    My view is that it perpetuates the belief that women are somehow inferior and the fact that someone has a daughter means they have to bow down to the man who marries their daughter- in Indian context and for obvious reasons. I don't have PIL who make my life miserable or husband who does not regard me so it does not personally affect me. But I also know many marriages are not like that. If I am mistaken in that belief, then forgive me.

    I know there are many rituals that are fun and include the bride and groom and other family members and I enjoy them. But to me my dad washing any other person's feet is not acceptable. But if others want to do it, that is up to them.

    When dowry is totally eradicated and women have equal say in their marriage, no one will care about the impact of such rituals as it will be deemed as doing no harm. But in a scenario where women are expected to leave her family and go to their husband's and accept his parent's as hers (at the cost of forsaking hers) and even after that have to earn the love and trust of their husband (not to mention IL's), it does not help the cause. In this very site I have read many advise "you just got married, win your dh's trust". They are told his parents have raised him and obviously he trust them but you just came into his life...but the bride is expected to consider her H as her everything from the time the wedding is over and leave her family and accept his.

    But please if any of you like such customs and it makes you happy, go right ahead.

    P.S- If the custom is western, that does not make it more palpable. A traditional western wedding had something like "wife should obey husband" but I am sure that part of the vow is almost completely removed from marriage vows. At least I have not heard any bride promising to "obey" her husband. Even William and Kate's wedding (as traditional as a western wedding can get) did not have that.

    If men opening doors or standing up when a women walks in had to do with demeaning a man and establishing superiority of women, I would be equally opposed to it.





     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/203077-how-many-of-you-11.html#post2616501 ( an older post, by JAG, on the topic)

    ========
    OP, we are like this vonly. An interesting thread, and we'll start discussing many related things. Hope it doesn't bother you terribly. Maybe you can see a parallel between wedding and threads. : )

    There is something heart-warming about the query you have posted. I am sure beyond the animated discussions, all wish you the very best for the wedding, and married life.
     
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  3. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    He is the prominent guest because he spent all is money to get his son married or because he has a son ?

    I always wondered why people fall on jayalalitha feet, now because she is the prominent guest

    article-2120782-12583E28000005DC-831_634x443.jpg
     
  4. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Sdiva,can't agree with you more.....Even I find these traditions which you mentioned as demeaning to women....I don't find them just symbolic....although many a times people don't want hassled in their life which can be caused by opposing these traditions in their marriage....so people thinks that for maintaining peace there is no harm in following these....as opposing may upset many people involved in marriage.....so it's ok and it's personal choice which depends on the situations .....not everybody has the courage to say that these are demeaning to my parents and me and the face the havoc.....

    My marriage was a traditional one and all north indian traditions were followed....I didn't thought much on this topic at that time ....nor I had the courage to oppose ....but still it didn't stop me to feel and say that even if these are symbolic still these should be stopped....as a bride I feel bad for some traditions although kept quite...
    If I were to be married today I will not follow any tradition demeaning to women for sure....
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    This is shocking @CoolIndianGirl.How can you let your mother behave like this.There is nothing wrong in corelle or banana leaves,but to not serve them on the utensil used by family is disgusting.How can you allow that?Do you think this is not worth fighting for?Do you think such disrespectful behavior towards another human is worth fighting for

    My parents and in laws used to keep separate vessels for the maids.
    At my parents place ,I stopped it by drinking in the maids cup till my mother stopped.
    At my mil's place,I told her I will not serve in separate cup if I was making.I also told her I don't have such cups in my house.That put an end to that practice.

    I am sure you can fight for the family of the man you love even if it means upsetting your mother for it.

    Good luck.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...It is heartening to know that both parents have accepted the proposed marriage .
    It should be remembered that,while his parents have accepted you,your parents have accepted him too. So don't feel you have to do every thing to please them.Let them also accept some of your customs.

    From the thread ,it seems like whether it is the boys side,or the girl's side ,it is mostly the 'brahmin' way that is followed in such cases.As someone who is born into a brahmin family I find it very sad.

    As for suggestions...
    1)Grand wedding---Grand means different things to different people.Do you know what exactly they mean by grand wedding?
    Ask your guy to get details.
    Let it be the first draft for the wedding.

    Then see what is acceptable to your side and you both.

    Propose changes and see how things go from there.

    If some issues are non changeable....then tone them down.

    Ask your father for a budget he is comfortable with.
    See how you both can both help him pay for it.You both pool in your savings and help out.

    2)Hurting the feelings of your family-----Hopefully nothing like that should happen.Your prospective in laws look like decent people.Do be prepared for unexpected comments from extended family. This happens in same caste marriages too but people tend to get more sensitive when different castes are involved.

    As for the feet washing ceremony....it is a part of our marriages too.I am a brahmin married to a rajput in an arranged marriage.This feet washing ceremony happens in both communities. When the pandit asked my father to do it...my husband refused to let it happen in spite of my father asking him to let him do it.He took the 'lota' with water and washed his own feet.

    You can ask your guy to preempt any such thing or any other ceremony which may be misunderstood.You can discuss this issue with him in advance and let your family also know so that they also do not misunderstand .


    3)For the rest----- Have you ever tried to wear the traditional stuff? Try it ...you may be surprised .

    Choose a light fabric in one colour to look slimmer. You could opt for a silk that drapes and falls well instead of silk that is stiff. Choose saree with thin border instead of a broad border.

    Try out your hairstyle and flowers in advance to see what suits you better.

    Best wishes Op for a lovely future.
    Hope you have lots of fun in your wedding.
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Legend has it that the bride, on witnessing from afar, said lota-acquisition by the groom, fell even more in love with the charmingly decisive rajput. Fell into a trance imagining the many upcoming two-wheeler rides on dusky, chilly mornings, and only came back to the present when the wedding music and holy chants strongly beckoned. As the groom settled down next to her, she found herself looking at him bemusedly. A questioning raise of his eyebrows had her imperceptibly shake a 'nothing' in response though it was everything and more.
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You should write more often @Rihana Madam.:oops:You made me blush .
     
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  9. abla

    abla Gold IL'ite

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    I could not honestly digest the initial responses .It was more line of your Iyer inlaws accepting you is like winning lottery ,now its their birth right that your dad needs to throw a wedding with all pomp and show :cry: Anyways OP I am really glad both of you were easily accepted and blessed by both sets of parents .
     
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  10. abla

    abla Gold IL'ite

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    And yes when we all are modern enough to find spouse of our own choice irrespective of race/religion why go so traditional suddenly and expect parents to spent all the $$$$ (especially girls parents alone tradition ) .Either girl and boy shell out the $$$$ or both families split and even incorporate traditions from both sides in wedding .
     
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