I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions! (Apologies in advance!)

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

@op, we did follow there traditions when getting married there is some meaning for everything which we might not know .. Ur inlaws looks nice people from your post ..

yes either brahmin or non Brahmin girl parents will only bear the expenses of marriage ..because it's called Kanya danam your father is datha.. Expenses are spent datha that's how he gets the blessings or good deeds by doing these rituals ( Kanya Dana phalam) ( I don't know exact English word ) ..

Bcoz you are not aware of it .. It looks surprise or may be stupid for you.. But that's how they are .. It will be enjoying too following all these ..

since you have some objections try first talking with ur fiancée .. He knows how strong his parents towards traditions .. If he can't convince them you need to follow ..

they may say yes ... Ur happy they are happy

they may say no ... U will be disappointed but they will be happy ..

dont worry about what your friends said .. Brahmins are not like that .. They are educated fallows ethics n morals respects women ( not much make domination ) ..
It's a matter before 19th century .. These days people are changing ..

your inlaws looks liberal .. If they are arthodox family type they shouldn't have accepted ur marriage in the first place .. So stop worrying ..

all the best ..

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

Op, You have selected a life partner and accepted by both sides. Trust me Brahmins don't accept non Brahmins that easily. Yet your in laws have done it.Have you once thought your in laws may have some dreams about their son's wedding hence the traditional wedding. And yes usually in south Indians all wedding expenses are borne by girl's parents. You can pitch in and lighten your dad's burden. For you too wedding is an once in a lifetime event. Looking back you wont have any regrets with going ahead. Don't spend excessively on chatram and other things. Look for moderate options and enjoy.

Wearing madisar is not that hard. And yes you can wear it day long if worn properly. I wore it in my wedding and very comfortable. Trust me I used to barely wear sarees for more than 2-3 hrs before my wedding and I wore for 5-6 hrs in muhurtham. Being fat or thin each one of us are beauties in ourselves. Don't think being fat you wont look good in madisar. It's traditional wear and brings out beauty in anybody wearing it.Good Luck and enjoy your wedding for its reason not for any other meaningless things.

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

Dear Op,

Have been reading in this forum only how the guys who did love marriages change after marriage and mentally and physically torture wife listening to mom dad. Atleast in arrange marriages girls have some fear and think of adjusting but in love marriage u expect the least ur hubby to do is support but many men fail to do so and cause more emotional hurt.
Test ur fiance if he is going to support u after marriage aND this is ur right chance.

My strong advice. Dont let ur fiance father make decisions.
You and ur fiance decided for simple marriage. Then stick to that.
U said ur fiance mom and fiancee will support u so ask them to support ur decision starting from now.
Tell that u don't believe in grand weddings that is waste of money instead ur dad will fix deposit some money on ur name which is usefulfor u.

If ur fiance doesn't support u now won't support in future aND ur life will be miserable following their customs whole life

U said ur fiance mom is sweet but strict abt traditions. That itself is a big minus in ur fiance mom, she will be become a torture for u.
U are a non brahmin and let them know u will look same, may be very occasionally u will wear their type of sarees. But u cannot loose ur own individuality.

I'm non Brhamin... Fell in love with an Iyer boy (who isn't really religious, doesn't practice traditions, is a total rebel

My fiance and I, we wanted a simple wedding at lthe register office. His parents refused downright. They want a proper Iyer wedding

3. My fiance's mom is very sweet but she wants to stay true to her customs... I am terrified of wearing a madisar (I'm ashamed of it but I can't stay in sarees for three days), growing my hair out long, piercing my nose, wearing a mangalyam etc. I'm fat. I will look ugly in a saree. Is there a way I can avoid doing these things?

5. If say some of you have been in my position (marrying in to a completely new set of traditions) Do you have any advice for me?

6. My colleagues keep asking me to be cautious of Brahmin families and how they might not treat me well 'cos I'm not a brahmin.. These things don't bother me 'cos I know my fiance and his mom really like me and they will support me.

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

Wow! You have got your Iyer in-laws to like you, and have got their blessings for your wedding. That itself is a huge victory, and will make the rest of this easy.

1. Wedding expenses - Pomp or simple - does not depend on caste. There have been simple Brahmin weddings and grand non-Brahmin ones. So caste cannot be brought up as a reason for toning down the expenses. You should ideally talk to your parents first, and then discuss it with your fiance, and HE will discuss it with his parents. This is the only amicable way to do it. Never ever say "in our caste", weddings are simple.

2. Staying true to customs - understandable by a mother for her son's wedding. Try to accept the temporary ones - wearing a madisar, flower decked hair. They look good on anyone, especially a happy bride, who is happy with her MIL
For the more permanent customs - piercing of nose, think about whether you really want to do, and if no, you have all the right to refuse. Wearing a mangalyam can be done when she is around. Do you plan to live with them after the wedding?

3. No, they are no Iyer customs which demean non-Brahmins. But I guess there are customs which may seem demeaning to the GIRL's parents - washing the groom's feet, which your side relatives may misinterpret.

4. Obviously, your colleagues are being less supportive than a bunch of anonymous ladies out here. No, it is not going to be so difficult. If you show the same calm manner to your IL's as you have shown in your original post, things will be fine. Yes, you are from a different culture, but neither "side" is RIGHT or WRONG. No ritual is superior to the other. If there are things, you absolutely cannot do, set the expectations from day one. But think carefully where to draw the line. A little straying their way now might reap big benefits later.

Whatever happens, it is absolutely important that your relationship with your fiance is never affected. For three years, you have been a stable couple, and have reached the last lap. The wedding should be a step UP closer, not DOWN.

Imagining you as a HAPPY Iyer bride with a dark red madisar...and sending loads of luck and wishes your way!

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

OP,
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
To answer your questions:
1) The girl's family traditionally pays. However if you can, you and your fiance can certainly pitch in. This can be done privately if it will cause issues with your in-laws. By tradition and protocol, there will be a certain number of people who will need to be invited.
You can compromise by hiring a less expensive wedding hall, catering, decorations etc and focus more on the guest list if they are particular about whom they want to invite. Your father should not be draining his savings to pay for all this. It is possible to do a decent wedding without going over the top. Try to compromise and pick your battles wisely here.

2) Brahmin customs certainly allow for simple weddings. However if your in-laws are set on having certain things followed it is better to take that into account.

3) You will need to wear the 9-yard sari just during the muhurtham for a few hours. It is manageable.
You can keep your hair in the style you want. The hairstylist can attach a hairpiece if you need plaits. There is no need to pierce your nose. The thali is a central element of the marriage rituals and is traditionally worn everyday. You can get a simple version for daily wear.
4) There won't be any customs demeaning to your family. However you may catch some snide remarks if there are extremely conservative types around. Try to stay cool. These comments occur even in Brahmin-brahmin weddings.

Have you talked to your fiance about your concerns?

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

Sons marriage is dream for any parent. Your fiances parents are ok with his choice of bride. At least being a son he should fulfill his parents desire of lavish wedding. If you cannot afford ask your future husband to bear some money. I am not sure why you are against everything. These are the only 3 days you will be wearing sarees. Rest of the life is your wish. treating daughter in law well is individual choice either brahmin or non brahmin. all the best.

 

Re: I'm Marrying an Iyer Boy and I Have Loads of Questions!

Your ''Iyer boy'' has to take the lead role in this respect. Public opinion may not help much.