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If You Could Go Back, What Would You Do Differently?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by blessings1010, Aug 3, 2016.

  1. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Hello wonderful ILs,
    I am relatively new here. Joined in June this year. I came across IL while struggling to cope up with MIL issues. Since then, I found comfort, support and solace in the difficult times - thanks to relationship forum especially Relationship with In-Laws and Married Life. A lot of threads and discussions have been helpful for me to deal with my concerns and issues with MIL. At times, it is struggle to constantly defend ourselves. One needs to be on a constant watch to defend our self- esteem/ our parents/ our existence. Doing so everyday and maintaining a healthy work-life- marriage balance gets very tiring. I sometimes wonder if so many DILs like me go through a tough time dealing with In-Laws or the problems they create in our married lives, what can we do/ do not do differently so that In-Laws problems will not affect us more adversely? So many times, I myself want to go back in time and do things differently (things like my reactions, thoughts, conversations, actions)to avoid future ill-effects on my psyche, soul or plain simple happiness in marriage. Do any of you also wonder that? If you could go back and do it again ( can be anything- like finding the right partner/initial days of marriage/ family relationships), what would you do differently?

    Would love to read your thoughts. This thread and responses is mainly to understand how we can control our responses to In-Laws irrational behavior towards us. I am sure the respondents can disagree sometimes and that is okay. In those cases, we as responsible adults must pick up what is right for us and our situation. So no judgements please. As with any form of communication, only post comments that move the discussion in a positive direction. A direction that will help all DILs or at-least the newbies in a more harmonious territory of living life with difficult In-Laws. After all our response is our responsibility.
     
    Sairindhri likes this.
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    I would have studied better! I am smart and very determined and if I had given my best and come out in flying colors.Back in India,good students are well liked and made better friends.I would have got that too.Hence,my self esteem and grooming would have been better.Probably, I would have studied MBA or gotten into engineering and have good job.

    Now,even though i have a wonderful family and financially well off and despite going to a good job,i am being looked low by my family,my former schoolmates(my high school reunion thread will talk about it).everytime i want to study something all i hear is"you cannot do it"..I know i know,we should turn a deaf ear to comments and work on our self BUT it is doubly difficult for people who are stamped upon on and off. every time something good happens to me,people are like"she is nothing.why is she deserving it".However,my co-sister who is well educated and a SAHM is being respected and occasionally when she is asked like"you are smart,why are u at home"..so even though she is home,she is not looked down.

    so in a nutshell...

    EDUCATION->SELF-RESPECT ->SELF ESTEEM->SELF CONFIDENCE->JOB->MONEY->LIFE.
     
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2016
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    From my experience, please yourself first, making sure you are being fair to others. The rest will fall in place. I wish I'd followed this in the early years of my marriage.

    Meaning no offence is important.

    Responding and not reacting is important.

    Knowing when to take the high road; showing it in everything from your posture to tone to facial expression is important.

    Being happy with yourself is important - exercise; follow a hobby; pamper yourself; refuse to bend over backwards in the misguided effort to get the best DIL medal (Psst. It doesn't even exist!)

    Funnily enough, my education and high flying job didn't bring me respect. After I gave up my career to start a family, I spent ages realigning myself and now, the respect I get is tremendous! Boils down to attitude I'll have to say.
     
    sslkgpaa, Laks09, dimhere and 5 others like this.
  4. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    If I were to go back and change one thing, I would say I would have had more self esteem

    The reason we feel the need to defend ourselves, our parents is because we lack self esteem. Self esteem gives us confidence. Knowing ourselves, our strengths, weaknesses and more importantly, accepting ourselves forms our most formidable defence against criticism. When we lack self esteem, we give more importance to others' opinions of us, we bend over backwards Now, they have power over us. When I say "They" , I mean inlaws, society, husbands, even parents.

    So yes, I would have had more self esteem and confidence
     
  5. sweety127

    sweety127 Gold IL'ite

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    If I were to go back I would have either married a different person or not married at all!
    The mistake lies with me..when my parents were looking for alliance I that shy naive parents pleasing girl gave the complete responsibility to my parents..i neither looked into my profile they created in matrimonial sites nor did I see the profile of prospective groom's..though my h is a good person the baggage associated with him in the form of mil is too heavy for me to handle..which I completely overlooked when we were in our courtship period..had I put some efforts in searching a groom for myself I would have looked for an educated family as ours, a family with fil so that I would have lived separate if things don't work out..here am tied up with mil for life..
    Else I would have stayed single and would have received atleast one young scientist award as my male counterparts..I wasted all my time sorting out my mil issues when my colleagues were busy inventing something new..I would have completed mtech by now and applied for a PhD ..thankfully I atleast did good in my promotion interviews and got promoted on back date..

    Whatever happened has happened..no regrets though..I sincerely wish to strive hard to be positive and accomplish my dreams atleast from now onwards..
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    If I am given a chance to re-write my life, I would place my self first above all. I am sure I can't take anyone for granted, and I wouldn't do anything harmful for others. I know that I will do justice to whoever matters to me. However, I did all this by placing myself behind.

    I am doing it right now. Being always assertive with my folks (not only H and in laws, but my own folks too)

    If I was the same before, I would have escaped from so many problems in life.
     
  7. BDivya

    BDivya Platinum IL'ite

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    If i am given a chance then i would want to go back to 2012 and begin the year again with modifications & changes everywhere i need!
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  8. Avyaktha

    Avyaktha New IL'ite

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    If I can go back to past, I wouldn't have leave my JOB just before 2 days of wedding. And would've inquire more about the family of the guy. Though my husband is a wonderful guy and one of the best husbands in the world, my In-laws are bit misers, no social thinking and can't move/chnage along with world/time. Am happy as house-wife still I regret sometimes the mistake of leaving my job with 6 years of experience.
     
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  9. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    IF i can go back and change what would i have done differently , i would have not married to the person im married now . Life has become full of compromise , sacrifice and sorrows after marriage. Also i would have not thought about what others would think and would have valued my happiness more.
     
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  10. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Thanks @anika987. I agree- everything starts and gets better as well as easier with education. I wish people who judge us also get their education right. I am not saying that only getting a better degree is a testament of a well rounded person, but if only they could gain an attitude of empathy from the education, they would not look down upon anyone.
     
    sindmani, anika987 and KashmirFlower like this.

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