If a girl’s ILs are bad, what do her parents expect from her regarding that?

janaka1 · Jan 17, 2014

I want to ask this question to all girls and parents of girls as well. If I am a parent, my daughter’s ILs are bad and if I think that they are being very bad to us as well behavior wise, then what in that case do we expect from our daughter?
My parents are very unhappy with my ILs, both PILs and SIL. Its fact that they were, at times, too offensive towards my parents. Till date they are either critical of them or dismissive of them for no apparent reason. But is it my fault?? I agree that they did. I condemn them for that. I have retaliated in my way to that. My Dh has supported me in that as well. Is there any things else I could have done?

Still why do my parents show displeasure about them to me? Why do they tell me things about them in terms of “your” fil “your” mil, “your” sil? Why do they say that “we have suffered a lot at your place. Never did we think that we will have to put up with these things, we have done so for your sake, but we will not do it anymore”. Whereas the fact is they don’t have to now, as now we are not living with my ILs right now. They have tons of complains against them, not without reason though. But some how I feel they direct that anger towards me and refuse to do even pretensions about them that would have made my Dh a lil happy. I want to ask girls out there, do your parents also do it? What do you do in that case? Isn't this an emotional torture with a girl whose IL's behaviors are any way not in her control???

janaka1 · Jan 20, 2014

no reply at all

shobhamumbaikar · Jan 21, 2014

Hi Janaka,
I think there is something a daughter can do, my mil also misbehaved with my mom. Though i was a very docile dil, i didn't take that lying down. I reacted to it. Now i do not know if my mom was hapy for it. Never asked her actually.

I think in your case, your mom must be thinking that you have not done enough. Thta is why she is unhappy. Think this over again and do if any thing is left. Even after that if she complains start ignoring her. sorry to say this for your mom, but in that case it would be like there is no way you can satisfy people who do not want to be satisfied.

I know that in doing so you will actually 'lose' your mom as a mental support system. And its a pity that a girl needs to lose her mom for her mil. But the world is strange dear, even our parents sometimes act strangely. it is they who at times make us 'padaya' the moment we get married and start expecting lots of formalities from us which we may not be able to cope up with. In indian society kids are sometimes really emotionally tortured over relationship issues. It is upto us to make our way outs from them

Emal · Jan 29, 2014

Janaki1,

Your parents have set high expectations from your IL's. I don't think you should blame yourself for anything you have not done. Set things straight and tell your parents you are not responsible for your IL's behavior toward them and neither will you intervene to change things and hurt your marriage.

If they have problems and your IL's have problems its between them. You should not be blamed for it. If you are being good toward them then they should be good toward you, thats all. Other's behaviour is not your head ace.

May be, they are incapable for solving their issues with your IL's and so expect that you resolve. Take my word, never fall into this trap of becoming a mediator between elders, it will only hurt your marriage.

Good Luck! Hope it helps.

Rise · Jan 29, 2014

Dont give too much importance to what ILs think, Parents think--wht ILS think of parent,wht parent think of Ils--... what all expect this n that...whatever we do all will tell "not upto the mark" wherever the mark is set!!

If you and DH are happy with each other--stop involving all others "thoughts" in between ur marriage -- all is well....

lucky2 · Jan 29, 2014

frankly speaking you have nothing to do with the whole scenario you have just explained as long as you are happy with your DH. they should be happy that their daughter is happy with her dh and what more do any parents want?

at times my mother points out her displeasure toward my husband as an outcome of his and pils deeds. I just brush it off saying ' not a big deal, the least you can expect from them is to treat your daughter with dignity and don't trouble her and you are done'.