I think my husband is not who I thought he was....

Happysoul1234 · Feb 17, 2010

asuitablegirl said: ↑

Teju,

I'm curious to know... what is your idea of a twist and turn? Maybe I misunderstood you and thought you meant try lying to him. Sorry if I'm not getting it, anyways, I understand best from examples so maybe you could give an example of something he might do, and how I should handle it.

As for how he was before marriage, well everyone shows their best before marriage. But actually temper wise he has improved a lot. Also he has become more serious about life, and more responsible. After marriage he stopped smoking and started driving car instead of motorycyle. It seems over time the fights are dimishing because we are understanding each other better today than we were 5 years ago. However, when fights DO happen, they can be really bad. That's the problem... they are not too often anymore, but when they do happen it makes me question everything about him. So, guess you could say the main problem is his anger issues and how he is unable to cope well with high pressure. When he gets angry, the stuff he says doesn't make sense. That's my main complaint.
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ASG in my opinion if your husband has matured over time that is a good thing! Come on, we are all human, and in our low moments, can lapse into moments of insanity. Been there, done that myself . So if you think he is 90% perfect, then you need to just ignore the 10% as best as you can. We are humans after all, and have imperfections.

Remember around last diwali I had posted about the fight I had with DH. A month later when I told him all the crap he had spewed out he just did not believe that he was capable of saying those things. And I know that he was not lying. I find it very hard to say I am giving up on my marriage because my DH says crap to me once or twice a year. When 95% of him is better than 95% of the husbands out there, why should I give up on him? I think you feel the same way about your DH. So just go with the flow, and I am sure that with the passage of time, his positive growth will far outweigh the temporary moments of insanity ;-)

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

So if you think he is 90% perfect, then you need to just ignore the 10% as best as you can.
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Yeah, totally. It's hard though isn't it!!! I say that everytime to myself... that I won't let the fights get me down. But sometimes when he is REALLY mad, he will call me bad names. And the swearing and bad names really makes me cringe inside. Even after all these years I still feel helpless and hurt hearing that stuff! Do you have any tips for staying calm and rational when that happens? Like, do you just walk away? Or do you try to reason with your dh?

So just go with the flow, and I am sure that with the passage of time, his positive growth will far outweigh the temporary moments of insanity
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That's what I'm hoping for. The insanity is definitely, well, INSANE. Like, really nonsense and whacky stuff he will say. But maybe I say crazy stuff too, or at least what my dh perceives to be crazy.

Definitely he has made progress. But do you think he will ever reach a point where the abuse is minimal to none? Or to a point where he is completely able to refrain from using bad words?

Spiderman1 · Feb 17, 2010

ASG,

I have been away for a while, I browsed recently and shocked to see this thread.
(I havent read all the pages, so may have missed some info, sorry)

I will repost later...seems like this thread has taken a turn

Spiderman1 · Feb 17, 2010

ASG,

Not to reopen the topic. But couple of questions:

1. Does your hubby have a cell phone which has a browser. Many people use cell phones to browse and post on facebook and other sites these days, and they dont need to be "in front of a laptop" to post on websites.

In fact, I have been requesting Admins to provide a mobile enabled version of IndusLadies forums! That is how I browse Internet since it is convenient to do during breaks during the day, and hope IL admins will enable this mobile edition someday!

I am not recasting doubt on your DH, but I want you to have all grounds covered and well understood.

2. Why does he keep "deleting browser history and evidences" from your laptop. I dont buy the "security" argument - having history has no issues with security. So, thats not true. And NO computer 'wont run slow' because browser history or passwords/cookies are stored. It does not make any difference to a modern day computer for speed purposes.

You are a nice person and all of us in the forum wish you well, and I hope your DH is also loyal to your relationship. Good luck.

eandian · Feb 17, 2010

Hi ASG,
I agree with spiderman1. Please keep your eyes and ears open.

Just curious ... does he know that your name is ASG in IL? Have you mentioned it to him at any point of time even if it was just on one occasion long long time ago.

If he knows your name in this forum, it is possible that he read your post and the replies and was prepared for a confrontation. People who delete history might be hiding their tracks as well as snooping on others to make sure that they are not being watched.

Sorry dear. I do not want to trouble you like this...but somehow I am finding it hard to trust your husband.

bharti · Feb 17, 2010

ASG....

somehow i havent been active on IL off-lately..... and suddenly yesterday i just logged in and the first thread i was was this...... when i saw ur name... i thought ur advising someone.... but i started to read.....i was shocked.... scrolled up to see and be sure it was from u....... i was reading it late into mid-night and was so worried for u...... needless to mention ur one of my favourite persons out here and i feel some bond with u!!!! i was completely shocked that it was happening to you.... i had an impression till now that u were so very happily married!!!!

have been reading all messages so far page on page..... and finally couldnt take up the mystery till i read 14th page and decided to read backward...... and then i was relieved!!!

sometime some events just block our vision and we cant see other possibilties..... like here.... initially no one could think that it could have been someone planning it against u guys!!!! not even you who know ur man for years!!!! but m just so happy that u guys were lucky to work out that timing things and luckily someone sent the msg at the right time... had that not been the case..... it might had been impossible to believe!!!! and it would have effected your marraige!!!! thank god for that and god is always there to help if u believe in him!!!!

but after reading your post.... there still are so many issues...... the temper of you DH and the way he treats u when he is angry.... if i were u i think i couldnt take it..... but i guess....the love which exists between two ppl..... let you walk even in difficult phase like these...... i just wish both you guys luck to sort out these things eventually.....

past of a person haunts..... esp. when the time is tough.... and we totally get blurred.... and it just gets too complicated.... i can understand that completely for i have faced this...... anger is the worst things..... i had messed up my life a little while back cos of anger...... (ofcourse ppl do things to make you angry but still the one who gets angry comes out bad no matter what )...... in my case i am the one who has the anger problem....

anyways..... one more time i have come to terms that we can accept someone's past but jsut cant get over with it!!!! and that is not too good cos this completely takes things into wrong direction.....

well..... all is well now... and m glad..... may god bestow u, me and all of us.... vision to see beyond and in the right direction when the things gets difficult..... so that we dont take steps which ruin our good going life..... definitely no marraige is perfect..... but love is the driving force and keeps one going......

i really cant tell u how worried i was when i started to read ur post..... and how relieved m now!!!! good luck gal and wish you best to sort all other problems that exists.... now that the major cause of the trauma has been nullified!!!!

and regarding BM..... oh i believe in all this.... and its better to be away..... do all u can to be away from it..... its for u and ur DH's well being..... BM can be really really bad!!!!

lots of love, hugs and kisses to you. :kiss

Happysoul1234 · Feb 17, 2010

Do you have any tips for staying calm and rational when that happens? Like, do you just walk away? Or do you try to reason with your dh?

>>Nopes. I have learnt to use the "silence" method to get my point across. Reasoning does not work with a person suffering from a temporary loss of sanity . Before I used to shout, throw stuff, hit (yes I did but not anymore). It got me nowhere. So I've learnt that the best way to diffuse a mad man is to just walk away and ignore until he is back to normal.

That's what I'm hoping for. The insanity is definitely, well, INSANE. Like, really nonsense and whacky stuff he will say. But maybe I say crazy stuff too, or at least what my dh perceives to be crazy.

>> yep, we all have our insane moments. but why let the 90% good overrule the 10% bad.

Definitely he has made progress. But do you think he will ever reach a point where the abuse is minimal to none? Or to a point where he is completely able to refrain from using bad words?[/quote]

>> If he ever completely refrains, please let me know what you did . In my case, my DH has also made improvements and happily, so have I. So I am keeping my fingers crossed for the best but know that at some point in time we may fight again for some silly reason. the key is to move past it. raking up the past does not do any good when you know the other person has made a tonne of progress.

feduptocore · Feb 17, 2010

asuitablegirl said: ↑

Teju,
As for how he was before marriage, well everyone shows their best before marriage. But actually temper wise he has improved a lot. Also he has become more serious about life, and more responsible. After marriage he stopped smoking and started driving car instead of motorycyle. It seems over time the fights are dimishing because we are understanding each other better today than we were 5 years ago. However, when fights DO happen, they can be really bad. That's the problem... they are not too often anymore, but when they do happen it makes me question everything about him. So, guess you could say the main problem is his anger issues and how he is unable to cope well with high pressure. When he gets angry, the stuff he says doesn't make sense. That's my main complaint.
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Dear ASG,
I just read your thread a couple of days back... was shocked... ( though I've not read the complete posts) Am MOST glad that you are out of the problems....
You have always been such reliable source for advice for all here in IL ...
well... just wanted to put my 2 bits in....
just as a precaution do keep a check on your DH.. 100% its only a watch for your satisfaction
about being manipulative... well I believe that what I don't want DH to know I don't tell.. thats it.. either I change the topic or say will tell later.. that way redeem myself from telling lies...
about your MIL.. well what to say a few of us are BLESSED :bonk with this type... as you said somewhere let her make the follies and muck and you simply sit and watch.... no need to react. tho I don't believe in BM can't say it doesn't exist and so be cautious...
about anger management... well I think all men vent themselves out at their wives... men I think by and large are not in the habit of talking things which bother them and so all that pent up frustration comes out on us and we always have to be a a mood to take the crap... and the day we don't .. hell breaks loose... but as someone said if 95% of the time they are the best then why spoil our relations becoz of the 5%?...
Continue to be your true self... how many of us can claim that!!!... love your attitude in life.. I may be at least a decade by age older than you but admire your sensibilities and straight forwardness... :thumbsup
Take care.. and hugs
K

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

1. Does your hubby have a cell phone which has a browser. Many people use cell phones to browse and post on facebook and other sites these days, and they dont need to be "in front of a laptop" to post on websites.
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Somebody already asked that question. But, I'll answer again. No, he doesn't have that capability on his cell phone. He does text messaging and has a camera on his phone. That's about it.

About deleting the history, as I remember about a month ago our computer kept giving some error message about 'cookies'. Neither me or my dh are tech savy. He said it meant something with saved passwords or something and that me and him should delete the history and stored up passwords occasionally. Although that seems to have been a passing suggestion of his because now me and him both forget to do it again. My dh's teach knowledge doesn't extend to 'modern day'. It's still somewhere in 90's. :bonk

Also, I called the internet service provider for my home internet (I called after looking up on the internet that this is possible) and they helped me dig up the internet history... like where it shows the icons of the pages visited. So I clicked on all the icons and it took me to each page. I couldn't find any Shobana related stuff on any page he had gone to.

Plus, at the time of the message he was in the kitchen. Also if he was going to cheat on me, I think he would do it with a girl he finds attractive. Shabana is not his type. Priyanka Chopra? Yes. Shabana? Not his type.

To get an idea why we have concluded it's his relatives... you can go back and read those posts where I listed the reasons. See what you think! I feel very strongly it's one cousin in particular who is really close to my dh's mom.

asuitablegirl · Feb 17, 2010

Just curious ... does he know that your name is ASG in IL? Have you mentioned it to him at any point of time even if it was just on one occasion long long time ago.
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No, he doesn't know I'm ASG. Even if he stumbled accross the indusladies site, and saw "WELCOME ASG" it would take him forever to figure out that I'm ASG, that I post here, and that the different categories of topics are written by users. Like I said, he is not that tech savy. Plus, this is the most recent thread I've started in a very long time. He would never figure out how to go to my user profile and search for past threads started by me. I feel pretty secure under my secret avatar ASG.