I think my husband is not who I thought he was....

Ansuya, I have a little update I wanted to share with you.

Also, please don't think I took your words literally and confronted him (again) about his mom head on. Your words are just in the back of my mind and I have inner peace from them knowing I'm not wrong to want his mom gone.

Anyways. Last night was Valentine's. We went out on Saturday for dinner so on Sunday we ate at home. My dh likes to make jokes about 'typical Indian scenarios' and last night was all "the Auntyjis don't like their new dil's wedding food". It was so funny, he was doing an impersonation "eww, the naans were too salty, the chicken with too chickeny" :rotfland he got to the part where the boys parents hassle the new bride and he was telling how they use mind games and emotional torture "Beta, Rajesh needs a new altima..." to extort stuff from the bride and her family and he said, "Do you know what I mean?" And I think in the fun of the conversation, he lost track of the fact that I DID KNOW WHAT HE MEANT because I had experienced it first hand from his family. And I think he saw me look a little sad and I said "Yeah hubby, I do know..." And he stopped talking for a minute and said "I'm so, so sorry they did this to you. I always thought my family would be different from the other men's parents. But my mom played horrible mind games on you and I know that. That's why I keep apologizing all these years because I know what she did and what she continues to do. That's why she's not going to be in our life."

Yesterday he took me shopping and full blown admitted that he too thought it was his family behind the Shobana crap. All he said to that was "F*** them, who cares about them. They're bloody ********. I love you, that's all that matters."

So you're right Ansuya, I'll let him come to conclusions about his family himself. As for cutting off contact... to his credit he has done a lot. Like, his family is pressurizing him this year to come for an India trip. He has flat out told me we aren't going to go because when we go to India we want to go for a romantic sight seeing type thing and neither of us want to spend more than a few days with his parents. That too, he said I can stay in the hotel and go to the spa or something while he visits with his parents for a day or two (out of obligation). But since we dont have the money to stay in the nice hotels and go sight seeing this year, we're not going at all. My husband DOES NOT want to stay in his parents house or spend his entire vacation with them.

My dh's cousin is getting married in a grand wedding in London this summer, but my dh is not keen on going because of 1) cost and 2) his parents will be there.

Also, I haven't talked to them in almost a year, he never asks or pressures me to talk to them. Also, he hardly ever calls them. They call him (constantly). Ocassionally he writes them on facebook.

I think since his family has so minimal contact face to face with me, and since I have blocked them on email and facebook, that's why they have now started to resort to more tricky ways of reaching me. I'm scared to know what they might try next. But all I know next time come hell or high water, I will keep my cool and get to the truth of the situation before making any big decisions.

You mentioned future kids.... from what my dh says, it doesn't look like he wants his mom around them. In regards to children, my dh says his mom is flat out "irresponsible." She brags about her kids being raised by servants, dogs, and military school. Needless to say, we don't want a psycho watching or interacting with our kid on a permanent basis. So I dont have to worry about my dh whining about "grandparents love". As for needing parents for delivering and taking care of me or kid, my dh has already said that his company offers paternity leave for dads, and he will take couple weeks off to stay home and take care of me when that time comes (couple years in the future).

Jeez Ansuya, I've asked and asked and asked that so many times in the past. :bonk All he says is either "Bad." Or "I don't like it." When it comes to the pain inflicted on him by his family, he's not very articulate. He kind of just shuts down and looks sad and hurt, like he doesn't want to remember it all.

The closest I ever came to knowing was last year when we were at the pool. He said that he doesn't love his mom, but feel a sense of responsibility to call every once in a while or answer her phone calls when she calls. But he said beyond that, he doesn't feel any desire in his own self to see or be with them. So.... maybe he will never break off from them completely, out of his sense of obligation to pick up the phone. But looks like his obligation stops there.

Boy have I rambled on. Just wanted to mentally work things out... sometimes it helps when I write it all down, like on here to you guys.

 

Aww lalli... give the doctors of the 'west' a break. We had gone to see one a looooong time back before marriage as part of our state's mandated couples counseling program, and I thought they were very fair.

Thing about Western doctors... they aren't going to tell a woman who is getting punched in the face, or called curses and denegrated morning and night to stay in the marriage. In the west, there is a general sense of respecting the individuals right to live and be happy, over the institution called marriage. In the west.... the point of marriage is to multiply the happiness in your life. The idea is marriage, and the person you are with, should bring out the BEST in you. In West, it's not just about family alliance... it's about personal fulfillment. And if you're getting abused to the point where your life is in danger... obviously the doctor will tell you what is BEST for YOU, not just what you want to hear.

In my heart, yes, I believe divorce is the best choice for SOME couples. It just is. And I don't think western docs should get a bad rap for suggesting the RIGHT course of action to some people.

You're absolutely right. That's what I did this past valentine's day. I told him how much I cried, how I saw our dreams vanished, how my idea of WHO he was suddenly seemed fake.... I think NOW he understands exactly what that was like for me. But expressing feelings and letting him know what I go through.... you are right... I need to do that every time something horrendous like this happens.

Thank you so much for your support lalli, and everyone else. I appreciate you guys to the max. :thumbsup

 

Teju... thanks for your long reply and strong support. Very sweet of you. Thanks girl! :thumbsup

I will definitely look into the anger management classes, as I've felt for a long time now he needs that too. :idea

I don't see any need to use lies, even small white lies. In my life, fact is stranger than fiction. :biglaugh My mil's actions speak for themselves. I don't have to make up anything about her, she is 100% nasty all on her own, and shows that to my husband without any help from me. Basically I've just decided to sit back and relax :coffee and let her continue to show her true colors.

Also, I couldn't fool my hubby. I just couldn't. He trusts me, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that for anything. Besides, I have enough TRUE dirt on his mom to last a life time. I'm an honest person and I don't want to lose my integrity just for the sake of getting the edge over mil. Becuase reality is, I've already got the edge. Now I've just got to wise up and stop being so gullible to her pranks. This experience has taught me a big lesson about the importance of staying calm and talking things out... even big things like infidelity.

I won't resort to being manipulative. I'll stick to my power of persuasion and use of the cold hard facts to prove my point. One time long ago, I asked my dh what he liked in me. He said I'm pretty. I rolled my eyes and asked what else. He said because I'm his princess. Then I said, no really, tell me what it is you like best about who I am as a person... and with such serious he said, "It's because you are an honest and genuine person I can trust and believe in. I can trust you no matter what. I never have to worry about that." See Teju, I can't stop being the thing he loves most about me. It's part of what makes me 'me'.

You bet! Some problems can be solved in a day, some take a life time. Hopefully mine doesn't take THAT long, but definitely I'm in it for the long haul. I want to make this work. Thanks for your supportive words and encouragment.

 

Teju,

I'm curious to know... what is your idea of a twist and turn? Maybe I misunderstood you and thought you meant try lying to him. Sorry if I'm not getting it, anyways, I understand best from examples so maybe you could give an example of something he might do, and how I should handle it.

As for how he was before marriage, well everyone shows their best before marriage. But actually temper wise he has improved a lot. Also he has become more serious about life, and more responsible. After marriage he stopped smoking and started driving car instead of motorycyle. It seems over time the fights are dimishing because we are understanding each other better today than we were 5 years ago. However, when fights DO happen, they can be really bad. That's the problem... they are not too often anymore, but when they do happen it makes me question everything about him. So, guess you could say the main problem is his anger issues and how he is unable to cope well with high pressure. When he gets angry, the stuff he says doesn't make sense. That's my main complaint.