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I Plead To Look At My Previous Thread .. Even After Changing Nothing Changed

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shwetha12, Feb 14, 2020.

  1. shwetha12

    shwetha12 Bronze IL'ite

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    It’s the same situation ... now I am confident that he has lot of ego . I took a break from work for an year . We built a house. Now I started job hunting again for 2 weeks now .
    I have two offers .
    As per your suggestion ... I changed a lot . I don’t beg . And am not just acting but truely am a happier person.
    We sleep in separate rooms due to younger one(4 years) , certification studies or his office work .. little did I know that my hubby really wants to sleep in separate room .
    On new year eve .. we gang of friends were playing couple games and one question that was posed to my husband was ... what one thing you want to change in your wife . We both have to write answers ...
    if we match we get point .
    My instant answer was everything and he wrote .. have discipline and dedication towards anything in life and strive to achieve it . Everyone one was like ... she is the best of all of us .....
    Then my husband said .... cooking is nothing .. who wants food . Self goals are important .
    Now... only I know he is talking about my weight .
    fast forward ... we are happily living like good roommates . He dint even know that I felt bad or little did he care . In the past .. even if I was in tears .. he never bothered to ask me why.
    I want to loose weight .. but for myself not because someone is forcing me .
    Good qualities are many ... even if you are living in the same house .. you don’t know that something is wrong between us ...
    in-laws calls, house hold chores , favorite foods , children responsibilities .. both of us take care equally . If not... he does more .
    Today .. Is Valentine’s Day . Though we are acting like happy people . None of us wished each other . I did not wish because ..
    he is the one who has complaints.. so am not sure .. if I am his Valentine. He did not wish me ... carried my little ones valentines class gifts and went to office . He called me after 10 minutes to tell me that he forgot his office desk keys and If I could come to parking lot to give keys . He took the keys and pulled his window down and said .. hey pls put the garbage can back from the street.
    He is a greatest dad and also for me best care taker in terms of material needs . he holds a big architect position ... super busy with office work but he actually loves the accomplishments. He is kind of a person who believes .. work is a worship . He is from top institutes in the world. He is a great sportsperson and fit in physique . Very patient and extremely kind towards subordinates, colleagues and friends . Yet not boring ... he is the center when friends gather ... very humorous , enjoys food and little drinks .. definitely good looking .
    my children will definitely be well taken care by him . I feel my existence doesn’t matter here for him . My children ... love me too.
    I have very good relation with in-laws .
    But I cannot bear the pain of non existing to someone . I am choking . My head spins ..As I want to take a decision .
    I thought of pursuing job in another city but my little one is little delayed due to my
    Sluggishness last year in the break. Now he picked up very well with the school and my constant engaging him several activities. I don’t want to affect his life .
    What do I do .. what do I do ...
    Now I am 1000% confident that if I am not the one pleasing, pleasing , begging ... he will never Reconcile .
    Please don’t say it’s affair . He is super busy with office , children and I have access to everything. 1000% it’s not affair because he is super honest in anything he does .
     
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  2. RetireFI

    RetireFI Senior IL'ite

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    None of us are perfect.
    You list lot of positives along with his few negatives.
    I am sure he has similar list as yours.

    You reveal that you are married for 14+ years with 2 lovely kids. In my opinion, What you are going through is a mid-life fatigue when routine of doing same things with kids sets in a cycle of helplessness and fatigue. This happens to most married couples in US where there is no break in work-commute-cooking-caring for kids-kids activities-social gatherings-improving skills to remain in work-weekend routine of grocery/cleaning/yard work. But kids do grow up,their activities and your hands-on-caring dwindle, you also start caring less about how house/yard looks. You will have bigger worries of teenage tantrums, their driving, their grades, etc :)

    Since you two are still communicating with each other and have no big fights, I don't think you are ready to stay away from him and kids in a different city. For men, the sexual desires might wax and wane. You didn't mention how old he is. In Early-Mid 40s, many men might experience decreasing libido(OTOH many men look for EMA to hide that).

    Hang in tough and start engaging in other activities that interest you which will allow you to be busy and not worry about his reactions and analysis of his behavior too much.
     
    pinkydarling likes this.
  3. ProudIndian

    ProudIndian Gold IL'ite

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    Op
    I read your previous thread. I agree to above response. With kids work, jobs, house work etc love take back seat. Kids grow very fast and this phase shall pass soon. Involve yourself in something you are passionate about, some hobby or something. We women have so much emotional needs but not men. Or they are poor in expressing and of course big ego. Just look at so many positives you have in your life. Count your blessings. If you are not taking initiatives to break ice that means you also have ego. Take good care of yourself physically mentally. Learn meditation it will help.
     
  4. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    It it not due to an affair. You have a reasonably accurate analysis of the situation. He is a great father, good provider, shares household chores, responsibilities, takes care of his health, focused on career. He is fine with absence of physical and emotional intimacy with you.

    He is not going to change even if you manage to communicate and discuss things calmly. If you issue an ultimatum like separation or divorce, he might make some efforts. But love and intimacy that comes due to ultimatums may not be worth it or sustainable.

    What to do? We can only tell you what we would do in such a situation. The actual decision is up to you. Will you be happier or less unhappy outside this marriage? Think about that. Make a decision. The decision need not be final. You can revisit the issue as needed.
     
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  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    I looked at OP's sentence
    "He took the keys and pulled his window down and said .. hey pls put the garbage can back from the street."
    and figured, as for as the husband is concerned, life is good, and normal. Notice that his wife wrote that sentence, and felt awful right away, and made amends with "He is a greatest dad and also for me best care taker in terms of material needs".

    When a husband says "hey please" to the key-fetcher, and did so in private, I would chalk the oblique body-shaming talk to imaginative extrapolation. OP could enjoy the separate sleeping rooms, a luxury so very few could afford in this world.
     
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  6. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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  7. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Shwetha,
    I read your other thread also. I think you need to stop blaming yourself for what has happened. Your husband is wantedly doing this. Current situation is exactly as he wants, to suit only himself, his desires, his requirements. You are nowhere in the picture and being made to feel that you are unnecessary. Not only is everything per his requirement, you are on the defensive, worried, confused, changing yourself more and more to please him - this is a very comfortable situation for him and very unfair to you.
    Why do I say this is unfair to you?

    Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but he has reduced you to a roommate and made it clear you are not to expect more. He has stepped back from all the duties of a husband while continuing to enjoy all the privileges of a husband in society, in your home, in office. There is a certain stability and respectability given to a man who is a married father and he is enjoying that. Had you separated do you think he could've gone to that NYE party or played that couple game? He can only do that because of you. Because of your presence. You are quite essential to his present life in every way though he wont admit it. Even then he dares to put you down with the comment about cooking! And you, you are so defensive and confused you dont even understand what he said. He is continuously putting you down and minimizing your contributions to the family, elevating himself and what he does. That's why he said that, not to complain about your weight. Only what he does is good and worthy, in this case self goals. He is definitely a controlling nature - the comment about the garbage cans shows he likes to have things just so.

    Well Shwetha, He has very cleverly kept all this private and covered his tracks by being a fantastic father and provider so you cannot point a finger at him in front of society. Which shows he does not want to be accountable for his actions. Just wants to do as he pleases. I wont advise whether to leave him or stay. You should do what you feel is right. That you will know clearly once you realize what exactly he is doing. So far for you the picture is not clear yet.

    Engage him in private for now. Stop obeying him so implicitly, and trying to please him. Instead take his own words literally and live by them. You are roommates? So be it. Be a roommate and only a roommate. Food is not important? who needs food? Ok. Stop cooking for him. Do some thing else. Something you enjoy and like to do for yourself. If he dares ask casually say you didnt feel like it. If he gets angry, listen with half an ear and ignore. Is there a rule that roommates should cook for each other? No right? You may do it then again you may not. Depends on YOUR preference not his! Dont put the garbage cans back! Roommates dont need to obey each other like a husband wife should, right? If it bothers him so much him can do it himself. Around the house also, start doing things your way. not in exactly the way he wants. Change your body language. Stop looking in his direction or at him for his reaction. Show you are least bothered about him or his reaction. Do things to please yourself and dont even think for a second about what his reaction might be. And most important TAKE THAT JOB!

    Not only will it give you sanity to escape this situation for few hours everyday, once you get some confidence from the job, go for couples counseling. He may not be accountable to society but he will have to be to a trained counselor if you manage to drag him to one. If he doesnt agree go by yourself. You need to figure this out for yourself, to understand what he is doing and why it is making you suffocated and crazy and a counselor will help you with that. Once you understand you will clearly know what you want for your life. As for your son, he is his kid too. Shouldn't your husband have the sense not to behave like this? Dont pressure yourself to continue in a bad situation as if it is your fault alone. It is not.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2020
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  8. Desiindian

    Desiindian Silver IL'ite

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    OP, You want to know how to make your husband love you, no one here can help you for sure. I too don't have any suggestion that helps to change him. From the gist of your post, I think he does not want his wife to be only a homemaker, he is expecting a superwomen work, social and family.
    My only piece of advice here is look at the positives you have and live your life. Get a job and manage your weight. Do what makes you and your kids happy than trying something to please him.
     
  9. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    You are speaking high if him ( fit, handsome and successful) and he on the other hand sees you inadequate.

    He isnt perfect, know that. He is mean which negates a lot of other qualities. Also you are not that inadequate either, you will address your weight problem when he addresses his 'high-horse' problem ( or whenever you wish to).
    Take that job for yourself and stop the efforts to get validation from him. Nothing is more useless than seeking validation from other people. Let your husband ego be his own problem, dont let him dump that crap on you for you to bear his cross.
    Keep your head high and stay happy.
     
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  10. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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