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I Messed Up

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Starkgirl, Feb 1, 2018.

  1. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am back again, this is something which is eating me from a long time. Need help from you guys.

    As you all know about my mil , she is good to me , bad to me even worse to me ... The hatred which I have for her rooted after this incident which took place when I went to India for vacation.
    It was my first time visiting my parents and so my mil said I don’t have to come and stay with her if I want to spend more time with my parents ( she is very considering in some matters, may be why sometime I can’t hate her) but issue started when I was staying with my parents , it is during some festival she called up my parents and asked them to give gold to me since they haven’t given anything to me after marriage ( I don’t want anything, it is not something I asked ). My parents are not well off but more importantly my father did not like that she asked for gold so he said nicely “ since she is your dil now you should give her , don’t come and ask me as I don’t have that much money” which she felt very rude. When father was done with talking she asked me the pass on the phone and literally shouted at me that how can my father talk to her like that and all... i tried to tell her their situation ( that they cannot gold and all ) but she was adamant that they should give since father promised before the marriage that he will give so and so ( after marriage)
    I was not present in that meeting so I don’t know ... after sometime DH called and he was hurt that my father was rude to his mom ( he did not care about gold but he felt it was not necessary for my dad to talk like that with my mil) but he was okay after sometime, he let it go...
    But my mil was not happy , everyday she used to tell me your father did this, he is rude and all sorts of thing so by then I was so irritated and mad with all this nonsense that I apologized to mil for my fathers behavior but made it clear to her he cannot afford to give gold no matter what.
    After that she let it go but I feel horrible for doing that... my parents came to know that I apologized and in a way they thought I am taking my mil side ( which is not true)
    I just wanted everyone to stop fighting, I never wanted anything from my parents nor from my in laws. And in an attempt to resolve the situation I think I messed up everything and hurt my parents .
    Sometime I feel I should have handled the situation in a better way. My mind doesn’t stop ,it keeps torturing me with these thoughts and I get so mad at my MiL.

    Then I realize I am more mad at myself than my mil !
     
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  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You did not mess up.
    You did fine.

    Looks like mil was gracious to let you go yo parents place for a reason.
    Your dad did fine. He let her know that she does not get to boss around .
    He could have been less rude but abnoxious entitled people deserve the rudeness.Now she will think ten times before saying something.

    You apologized to her which is fine since you have a good husband but do not overdo it.

    Your parents should not feel bad . Tell them you are an adult and can decide how to manage the relations diplomatically. Let them know you have a nice husband and you are just trying to keep him happy.They should be happy about it.
    Even your parents need not get over involved in your life with in laws.
     
  3. radv

    radv Gold IL'ite

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    OP - I think you handled this matter with maturity and your parents should appreciate it rather than feeling bad. I would rather say it is very immature of your parents to think you are siding with your MIL. You better focus on positives - that your MIL let go of the issue, that your husband did not creat any bigger issue out of this.
     
  4. kalcandu

    kalcandu Silver IL'ite

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    OP

    You have done very well. Don't think a lot and become confused. I agree with the above posts. The response from husband and mil is positive, as in they are not continuing to dwell on the same issue and seem to have moved on. You should do likewise.

    Parents will understand your situation in time, hopefully. As a girl, it is tough to satisfy both sides of the family. After my marriage my mom complained that i never listened to her but only listened to my MIL. This was partly said in humour. But my grandmother used to support me saying what you are doing is good ☺️
     
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  5. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    U did not do anything wrong .. u tried to control the situation u asked sorry .. tell ur parents u asked sorry to have peace in the house not that they r right .. don't get mad or angry for this reason on ur mil I know what she did was wrong but there r many worst mil whose wants all n does not want there dil to even go parents place..
    I loved ur father stood up and said no upfront but he should have not told her to give .. ask your husband what exactly did mil say to him bcz in general mil lie a a lot ...
    Plz don't beat ur self up ...
     
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  6. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your reply :blush:

    My parents did not say anything but the way they reacted, I feel that they felt bad .. for ex:- when this issue was going on, my mom said “your mil is so selfish and self centered, she doesn’t understand our situation” and after sometime she said “ don’t feel bad that I am talking like this about your MIl”
    Sometime they even thought that I sides with mil just because I am expecting expensive gifts from them.
    I did try to make them understand that was not my intention but to make peace. I never asked for anything and everyone started fighting using my name and I am forcefully dragged into it even though I was not at all wanted.
    DH understood my situation and told MIL to handle the situation herself and not drag me in it and in turn this created lot more problem
    I got silent treatment from both parties for quite sometime so all in all My vacation was ruined and I was desperate to come back to US
     
  7. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    First of all your MIL “letting “ you spend time with your parents is not a big deal, I would not put her on a pedestal for that. Big deal compared to a old fashioned traditional typical Indian MIL , but honestly not a big deal.

    The fault here is entirely your MIL’s . She has no right to ask for gold when she knows your parents are struggling financially. This for me is akin to asking for dowry.

    You know who the hero here is ? Your awesome DAD ! For not being apologetic about his situation and telling her what she deserved to hear . This is how parents of a daughter should behave when the IL’s have in reasonable demands or expectations. Next time your MIL will sweat profusely before asking for anything from your dad.

    Tell your parents sorry that you had to apologize and move on. The husband and the great MIL have moved on. So don’t drag this for too long , it would actually be disrespectful to your dad if you keep ruminating on this. Be proud of him and go on with your life with your head held high .

    And don’t ever talk about this to your wonderful supportive husband .

    And never ever ever ever with dear MIL!
     
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  8. Starkgirl

    Starkgirl Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you @Sandycandy for your reply.
    Yes I know that my mil was the one to be blamed for all this, when she knew my parents situation she shouldn’t have asked such things and even when she asked I should have sided with my parents but instead I made peace by saying sorry.
    Which is what makin me feel so horrible. I have this huge “nice girl syndrome”, it is my thinking that “ if I am nice everyone will be nice” made me do what I did. But no excuse could justify it but one good thing come out of it is atleast I realized where I am going wrong and now after all this, I stopped being apologetic to things I am not sorry for (just to be nice).
     
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  9. Sandycandy

    Sandycandy IL Hall of Fame

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    Actually saying sorry and letting things calm down was a smart move. If you had sided with your parents your dad would have to take more heat from MIL as well as your husband . Rather you let things not blow out of proportion by apologizing . So don’t beat yourself over this . In your mind you know what your dad did was right , and that should be go enough.

     
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  10. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    OP
    I completely agree with the way your dad reacted. coz otherwise your mil might get habituated to ask everytime.
    If parents are wiling to give is fine, but i don't like when mil/fil ask like this.
    Since you need to stay with mil, what you did was i think the best way to handle the situation. But also see to it that you are not portraying that your father is wrong to mil or anyone by being apologetic.
     
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