I have starting hating my husband...

OP...what are the chances of getting a transfer where your parents live?
Will they support you ?

May be a little separation will help all parties think about the situation.
Your husband needs to value you and the kids more.What kind of a guy won't buy some fun food for kids once in a while ,but everything is okay for his mother.

Maybe you need to tell your husband seriously how distressed you are.

Do your parents know about your situation?

 

OP did you try some of the things from your last thread?Build a stronger bond with your good fil.

You live your lfe to the fullest with your kids...whether here or some place else.
You have two beautiful kids,you have a job you love.You are healthy and able...don't waste it on your husband and mil.

You take care of yourself.Get the maid to do most work.

Learn to live a good life from your mil.

Put yourself and your children first...just like your mil is doing.

You are a teacher,soon your kids will have the same timings as you.

Take the kids out for a movie and treat once in a while.take your fil too.You make your little family within the family.You don't need your husband's permission to feel good or to make your kids feel good.

When your husband will see that you and the kids have a life ....without him,he will maybe regret not being involved.

 

Dear OP,

Please read the other threads and you will realize your life is no different from other women's lives. We are all in the same boat more or less. We expect a lot of love from our spouses - an acknowledgement of all the hard work we do and a lot of emotional support. We get neither and we fall into depression. All MILs are possessive to some or the other extent about their sons. From my experience, I can tell you this, never ever go and tell your husband anything about your MIL, don't ever complain to him. First thing, he will not think his mother is bad, he will not argue with her, instead he will think you are a total nag. Enjoy life on your own terms. This "you come back quickly" thing is something I have experienced as well. They always have some reason why you should be in the house. Either your outside activity should benefit them or else you should be in the house. If you are in the house, you should not be relaxing, because it is only then they realize that someone is relaxing. Just refuse to cooperate if you don't feel like it and do what you want. Keep a calm demeanor. If anyone says anything, give that person a fitting reply and forget about it. Don't let your DH know about it at all. In my case, that was a big reliever, otherwise it was getting stressful, because DH was in no mood to listen and ILs assumed that they could do anything and I would keep my mouth shut. My DH himself told me to deal with it myself. After watching for nearly 2 years, I got fed up and started giving then and there and then the torture stopped - at least from my IL side. They knew if they spoke too much, they would get it from me, so they stopped talking rubbish. Sometimes, they do indulge in nonsense but they never say it to my face. If they do, I don't care, and if required, I give back. Still there are times, when they cross their limits of decency and behave in the worst manner. Such times I just choose to not answer and behave as though I did not listen at all. Because fighting will make my kids nervous and stressed. I just leave them to their state and move on. Unfortunately in my DH's case, I am not able to do it at all. I can only hope that some day he will see what he is doing wrong and stop hurting me emotionally and physically. Separating, fighting all these will not solve the problem. They will make it bigger. Learning ways to deal with the problems - that will make it better. It's okay if you need to lie,manipulate in the process. Don't feel guilty about that.

 

Op,
I can completely understand. It is very tough to stay in such environment.
Temporary -
My suggestion would be hire a maid and start enjoying the life with ur kids. Think ur husband and his parents as furniture in house. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. But once u hire a maid and don't need to do services for them u will start feeling lit better.
Why do u have to agree to ur hubby. Tell him u asked doctors once in while is fine. Talk less with Mil. This is temporary but u cannot stay life long.
Permanent solution.
My aunt was having horrible fights with Mil fil in combined family. She lodged complaint on police when they had big fight and told police that she want her husband but not Mil fil. She said I want separate family with hubby. The cops made the guy stay separate. It took few yrs for them to get set coz initially husband was abgry on my aunt for making him leave parents but eventually he turned to wife side.

Pretend the transafer is happening without control and go another city, u want a separate family with hubby. That's ur goal.

 

Momma's boys and joint family drama, MIL problems are not so unique for anyone who is living in India. These are part and parcel of Indian family system. If they are not present in your life, then consider yourself lucky for that. But at the same time, your luck is not limited to it. You may be luckier than many other women for having so many other blessings in life too.
May be your job, your financial independence, your kids, your FOO.. I don't know, but you must figure out this to stay positive in life.
Just because a part of your life is not going well, doesn't mean you have lost it all. You still have a long way to finish your journey. So, stay motivated.

Coming to your problem...

Your MIL is clever, and she knows how to tune her son. Most of the moms know that too.
If she shows extra care on him or showers him with extra love, don't take it as a competition. If you enter a competition with a mother, who would anyway love her child unconditionally, you will lose.
Rather accept her helps, care, love with grace.
Don't think it is anyway a loss.

For ex; My MIL would cook special food for my H when I was newly married. That too she would cook only for him, and force him to eat. Which means, he will have to ignore my food - which were cooked with a lot of passion (as a new wife, cooking wasn't that simple then).
I used to feel so bad and ignored. I used to compete with my MIL. So that I cook early before she brings her food, or cook something special everytime so that my food will be consumed. Guess what, everytime she was the winner. It made me a looser; hence I've developed so much bitterness on my H and MIL for that.

Cooking and meals were just part of the bigger problem I had with them then.

With a few years down the line, I have changed myself instead of changing them or feeling bad about this.
After a kid, I have stopped cooking for us in the morning. Instead, I would cook only for the child.
I ate at the office canteen, and asked H to eat out or eat at his mom's place/mom's food at our place as per his choice.
This way, I didn't have to rush in the mornings for lunch preparation. That gave me a sense of relief.
At the same time, MIL is forced to cook daily for her son. She felt as if I am escaping from my responsibilities. Earlier she cooked only to make me a looser.
After a few months, MIL started sobbing for cooking at this age etc..etc...
So, slowly I've appointed a maid and made my H to eat at home/or take home cooked food to office as me.
Whatever MIL had to offer, she can offer. Because she is just competing with a maid, not with me.
Why should a professional like me to suffer in the kitchen despite of my several other responsibilities just to enter a completion with MIL.
I cooked whenever I wished like cooking. Always made delicious special food at my own phase.
Slowly, maid left, MIL stepped back and now my family eats my food only.
I too don't have any more bitterness towards my MIL, because I've never got defeated by her at the first place.

Comparison and insult were part and parcel of my initial marriage life. Although I have forgiven MIL for that, I can't never forgot the wound.
She has insulted me, and I've got hurt many times.
Like you, initially I always run towards my H for solace and security. But he couldn't understand my complaints about his angel mom. According to him, his goddest mom can never go wrong, but I could be mistaking her.
I've felt tired of complaining after a while. That's when I've started to safeguard my self on my own.
When she insulted, mostly indirectly but before others. That;s her style.
I would ask her to repeat. That would make her uncomfortable. However, if she says anything, I would pause, and say "Aunt, do you really mean this?" "How come you say this?"
Such questions in a firm but cool voice would often insult her in the crowed. At least 1 -2 people would turn towards me and start listening to my side of the story.
Now my MIL knows I would manipulate the crowed, so she won't speak ill about me.
Since you speak cool, facts, and before the crowed, she can't take this matter to her son either. Even if she takes, you can always say "Come on... your mom would have misunderstood me. Do you think I would insult her in a crowed'?

Your self confidence is the only dowry that can help you in your marital home. The gold, cash and other dowries are for the in laws, not for you. Start living!

 

I feel sorry for you.I understand what women goes through when husband attach to mother more than wife.Unfortunately in our society living alone is still not good choice for women.