I Have Moved Out Of The Country, And Now I Need To Decide

Dear ladies

Once again I am here with a confusing state of mind, hence looking for your expert advice to better plan my life ahead.
For the new readers, I would appreciate if you could visit my previous threads should you find my posts are weird. But many of you already know my case, and I am really counting your words here.

After having declined so many opportunities that came my way in the past year, I have finally decided to accept an offer with United Nations in Rwanda, considering the fact that it came as a family duty station. Which means, I am allowed to take my family with me to the duty station. Their tickets are sponsored. The office will sponsor a house (indeed a bungalow type comfortable one) for me to stay with family.
The salary and remunerations are amazing, and the pride to work as an international staff with the United Nations is beyond explanation; and it has always been my dream.

Considering my current family condition, where I am the primary bread winner, who is forced to spend and save for the family while my H struggles to settle with a reliable job for a while (indeed since marriage).
And how much ever he earns (should he finds a good job), he will be forced to spend on his parents luxury demands and stuff, so at this point I have made up my mind not to expect anything from him and waste my time on such fake expectations too.
While working on the marriage with him towards betterment (and indeed we have come a long way towards happiness now. Just that this financial part is quite confusing, otherwise he is a gem now), I've decided to take the lead as it is more convenient to me.

The twist here is that I've learnt at the very last moment that this particular duty station is not really a family station.
Specially for young kids and elderly people as there are no Private/international School, and there are no secondary health care system in place. For all this, you need to travel for 3hrs to the capital Kigali where everything is readily available.
Those every facility is provided by the office, considering what I am hearing, I am a bit reluctant to bring my family here.
So, I've decided to come alone and to assess the situation by myself before I plan anything.
It's been 1 week since I am here, and still assessing the possibilities.

For now, I've come across of 3 options.

1) Work here for 6 months, and then find mutual transfer or any vacancy in capital Kigali, so that I could shift there (for the next 4 years of assignment) with family.
2) Work here for 6 months, bring family along in late August as I visit home for leave (Can ask permission from my elder son's principal- who is a known nun to permit him leave for 4 months from Sept - Dec) and then conclude the assignment after 6 months and move back home. Can look for other opportunities in real family stations later.
3) Work here, and find some good opportunities for H (it is possible) and be together here, while kids can be with their grand mother+ nanny.
If we both work internationally, we get a good package, which we can use to visit home quite often, as well we can return home soon after earning what is needed to settle down comparatively very fast.
4) Work here for six months alone, and quit. Wait for good options later on.

Kids are safe back at home. Not really missing me as they are used to live with my absence in the past as well. But this is the longest time (I can visit them once a month on 5 days leave) they gonna live without me.
Mom is enthusiastic and healthy that she acts as a second mom with loads of love and affection, and even teaching the kids at my absence.
There is a reliable nanny to help her around.

My H is home, and he is a good dad, and being helpful.
My mom and H didn't gel well before, but there is a great improvement in their relationship for a while

My bro lives in the same street and my biggest support system, who helps with my mom and kids as and when needed.
My sister, although lives far, gives loads of emotional support to the family at my absence.
Besides, PILs live close by too.
I know these can never replace the absence of a mom. But for a 6 month assignment, where I could visit home every month on leave, this is the best I could arrange.

At my end, there are so many issues, like stress and anxiety of missing home, fear of living alone, newly developed BP and unable to move into that bungalow alone (I hate to live in such huge homes alone); hence the suffering and discomfort of living in a hotel for a longer time.
I miss them a lot, and I know it would be hard initially.

But the office is great. I will soon become busy and occupied to give room for stress and anxiety of missing home.
Even if I stay back, I find no jobs matching my qualification in my home city. Therefore, I always had to work somewhere else, and visited home during weekends alone.
This opportunity and experience will help me settle with a nice post in a nice duty station after sometimes. But we should start at some point na... That's why I am here.
And more importantly staying at home is not an option in my life. Regardless of the distance and opportunities, I need to work.
Therefore I found this one as the best given all the circumstance.

But now, I need to decide, based on the 3 options above. Or do you suggest anything else? Please pour your insights here

 

First of all thank you for your wishes, and the message.
Ideally this is exactly what I/we hoped for.
- To be with family (that wasn't the case though I was at home country earlier)
- To find better positions for my H, and to be able to have some control over his spending in a place far from his parents.
- To have a nice change for all of us (you must have read my thread about BM, in laws issues, problems etc in the past)
But an unfortunate twist that came as a shock that the Schools here teach only in French, and they are not for foreign kids. Poor me.
Nevertheless, I hope things will slowly become smooth once I get to know this place.
Let's hope for a better solution for this matter very soon.

Thanks again

 

Dh being financially irresponsible is something I have always regretted for. Not that about the financial gap, but he is overall irresponsible. Else, I would have happily allowed him to be the house-husband, and borne all the financial responsibilities by myself.
But here, I will have to break my head when it comes to household matters, family issues, kids and all, while earning for the family. In addition to that, the in laws' problems that comes in between.
I was so demotivated at one point and hated my life so much for this.

But at one point I realized that I can't expect others to change as per my expectation. But it is important that I change my life style according to what I expect in life.
Since then I took charge of my life by being everything. I made a strong support system for help. I found my motivation and support from the right people outside.
The more I reduced my expectation from my H (to take financial commitment), the more we focused on other areas where we could bond and make fruitful changes in our lives.
My H stood by me as a strongest support as I grew in my career. He stood by myself all the time when his family created problems. He has shown tremendous changes in his character and behaviour as a respect for me. All in all, I find it normal to be overworked though to balance the family life while I could enjoy everything a bit extra in life because of my H.

The key is to accept your H, though he is not the best. Find strategy to fill that gap and complement each other.
Though your H is financially irresponsible, I am sure he could posses some strong spirit and skill in something else which you could utilize. That's how God makes pairs.

In my case, I am a strong career woman, but a very weak and fragile human being.
I often need strong support, and someone to be my side all the time to live. Leave alone succeed in life.
My H has a sound emotional balance, and he is so much grounded. He complements my instability and often stand by me as a support system whenever I take decisions.
Though it may seem that I am the leader, I am nothing without him. So, ideally it is like we both handle it.

Hope you too would find a fine balance with time. It's just 2 years na.. I've come to this agreement only very lately in my decade long marriage life.

 

Thanks for your inputs

Leaving kids under mom's care for a longer period is never my idea. Just that I thought as a last resort to do it for max 6 months in case my H gets a post here and moves in with me.

As for relocating the family for the other city is not a great idea though my office colleagues too suggest the same.
I can only meet them during weekends as the distance is 3hr drive one way in the hill station, and not so easy.
In that case, they will have to live all by themselves in this new country at mom's care.
In fact, my mom is enthusiastic to do this job since she is in her safe zone where she has loads of help. She will not be happy to do that here at the capital city without myself and any other support system here. Even it is risky as both mom and kids will be helpless here during the weekdays.

Meanwhile, looking for a post in the capital city in whatever the way is on my card. I have already tried it informally though. If that happens, I could bring my entire family here and live peacefully.

But the truth is, life has never been easy for anyone. Either this or some other challenges will come and go in life at any given stages.
For me, a huge burden of financial issue was a challenge when I was at home with family.
When I left for some work, part of my financial challenges got resolved though. But the feeling of constant travelling and missing home forever to be on the safe side financially became another challenge. I just needed to put an end to all this; hence opted this international post.
Now that, living away from the family seems a challenge.
Even if I could bring my family here one day, there will be some challenges in whatever the forms affect us.
Life has to go on and on.. and so we will have to find solutions for these challenges to live this life.

Let's hope for the best