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I have a complicated situation and could use some advice.

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by uslady, Dec 10, 2011.

  1. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Both the treatment of Sil and children are way out of line. Caution Indian guy that any more abuse of kids will be reported to welfare dept. Your y will be fine as she did the right thing by moving out. Please tell your older daughter that if she does not take responsibility for her children, they would be depressed and may lead them to get involved in unwanted things when they get older. Ask your soinlaw and daughter to move out and lead life of their own.
     
  2. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    Viswamitra: I will say SIL does not slap his kids in front of me. When he visited his family in India he felt free to do this. He hugs and kisses his kids, asks them, "Who do you love?" SIL and O yell at these kids (and each other) alot. Recently I asked O to be quiet as she was holding the baby, and she screamed even louder! I hurt for the grandchildren. These people did move out for a time, and went to India where IG's family resides. They want him to stay there and will make up a job for him, but his children had a very difficult time there, so they are back for now. If we don't do what he wants, he threatens to move back with the kids, knowing they will not do well.
     
  3. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    It appears that your elder daughter O has major problems and you got her married to IG , now she is yelling at everybody ,getting annoyed. You had written in your first post that she was taking medication , even for her mood swings.
    As a grandmom you cannot do much , if the parents want them to move then the kids or you cannot oppose.
    Your younger DD Y moved out so thats fine.
    You are hurting for your grandkids as they are getting a raw deal from both Mom and Dad .
    Nobody can go back in time but your elder DD O should not have got married as she was sick, now she is unable to take care of her kids properly.
    Being a Grandparent you cannot do much as parents are primary caretakers of children though you would like to take over and have them at your place.
    Just be there for them thats all.
     
  4. Loving2011

    Loving2011 Silver IL'ite

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    Some people use culture to justify their actions, but NO this is not appropriate. The guy is a creep, if you don't mind me saying. At least he sounds like it based on your description. Even if this man was raised this way, it's no excuse to treat his kids such.

    having worked with child protective services myself, a lack of evidence isn't enough to take abused children away. If there's no evidence, parents can keep the children.
     
  5. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    flowerlady: Yes, We have known about O's emotional problem since she was 4. I made sure IG knew about it as I wanted to be open about this. He knew about her situation, but failed to tell us about his until years later. When he was 17, his father beat him for falling in love with a Muslim girl. He left home (living with other relatives), and told me he didn't speak to his parents for 10 years. He vowed they would never get to see him get married. I feel like my family was used to get revenge on his parents! He is now on good terms with his parents and they want him to come and live with them. And yes, I do feel he uses our ignorance of his culture to get away with things. He also told his parents that Y accused him of rape when all she did was to tell him to keep his hands off her; that was sexual harassment.
     
  6. thinagi

    thinagi New IL'ite

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    Seems like IG is a MCP who like older generation uses the garb of culture to justify his abuse...Please understand that both the cases are not how things in india are. People used to beat children but not nowadays. And the flirting between bil n sil is there in every culture. And definitely should be between comfort zones of ppl involved. if one is not comfortable then it is abuse. so please do not let him use the guise of indian culture to justify his behavoural problems...
    If it helps can O start her medication again? and also for IG, some consultancy may be....
    Hope situation improves at least for the sake of the poor children involved...
     
  7. uslady

    uslady New IL'ite

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    How I wish that O would take meds! She is angry at me for making her take them when she was young; she says I ruined her life. O claims that there is no such thing as mental illness! One more thing that I find concerning, and again I feel that IG is taking refuge behind our lack of Indian culture. I found him in bed with his 4 year old daughter, holding her tight and covering her face with kisses. She wants him to sleep with her, like he did when they were in India for 3 months. Mind you, O is not in bed with them! He says Indians are affectionate people. This feels wrong. Mind you, this was done in his parent's house and apparently they did not find this troubling. I have spoken to O about the fact that he took baths with this girl when she was 3 and she accused me of having a dirty mind. Thoughts?
     
  8. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Its getting worse and worse. Its all about our value system. He apparently comes from a background which many of us will avoid like plague.
    Well some parents kiss their young ones on the lips, what say?
    Maybe your views are colored by what he did to your daughter Y.
    Generally moms and DDs think alike then how come there is so much difference between you and O?
    She blames you for her condition and avoids meds. She is allowing her DH to do a lot of childcare as she seems unable to do it.
    What do wish to do? You cannot keep the kids with you as both the parents are alive however hard you may try.
    If O is happy with everything then whats the point of complaining and interfering??
    Do you really have no clue about Indian culture? Then why did you marry your DD to an Indian?
     
  9. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Uslady since when has a father sleeping with a 4 yr old kid become creepy? I find ur choice of words
    "found him in bed" more disturbing actually.

    I am fairly certain this is not an exclusively Indian thing. In many cultures around the world Co-sleeping with kids until they are ready to move out of the bed is fairly common.
    Agreed ur SIL and daughter need to be better parents..but dont question every move they make.
     
  10. 1Sandhya

    1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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    look here, I ont know exactly which culture you are from but the wole world over, poeple may be from different cultures but at the end of the day we are all human beings. languages and way of doing things may be different. Go with your gut feeling on this one. he is using culture to hide behind but what does it come across to you as? wrong is wrong, so dont second guess yourself too much. yes thera are many families where grown-ups bathe with kids or even 2-3 kids bathe together and it is perfectly innocent and then there is jerry sandusky. If it feels wrong speak up and do something, or you will feel horribly guilty that you suspected and did nothing. You already know or fear this that is why you are posting here. Take a stand and dont give away your rightful power under the guise of culture.
     

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