I Hate My Husband

I understand your pain dear. Is there any common elderly person that he would listen to if they spoke in a tactful mannet on your behalf. Or some member from his family or perhaps if the people very dear to him are equally in good terms with you can address the issue on your behalf.

 

Also check, perhaps he is going through some mid-life crisis. Sometimes men dont state their problems that easily. Perhaps some time alone with him and you can some answers from him. U see you are the best judge of your situation dear, all of us here can guide you based on what you have written to us. But sometimes the person closest (in this case u) who has been with him for such a long time can probably see beyond. Sending you much love. Sandya.

 

You dont want a divorce and obviously you cant change your Dh and Inlaws. Hope you understand that.

Only thing that can be changed here is you, your mindset, your attitude and fundamentally your outlook towards relationship.

So many are trapped in the exact same situation including me(but I filed divorce and out of the trap). Its typical Indian men attitude. You have to stop asking his permission, ignore all his sulky behavior and just go and enjoy with your brother/sister/parents. There is no way your Dh is going to happily accompany you and mingle with them lovingly. You are living in fools paradise here.

You can file divorce (as a Threat and see) and scare the crap out of him and make him give your equal rights but that can totally backfire on you if he gives divorces and leaves you. So not sure if you will go that route.

So just do what you want to do, visit whom you want to visit, take the kids and have fun 50% of the time and 50% of the time go with husband and inlaws and enjoy.

Ignore all his crazy tantrums. You are trapped and only way out is being a single mom in a marriage. thats what lot of the ladies are doing anyway. if you have a job, just book your own vacations and go and see your family. If you are dependent on him swipe his card and go. if he cancels the card then its time for the divorce discussion.

Just like you, he is also never going to file divorce and is trapped with a modern wife. He can only throw tantrums. he cant do much, so just enjoy life.

 

@Goahead you know your husband is never going to be the person you want him to be . You continue to look for something which is totally out of your control. We all think if that one thing happens we will be happy. But that is never true. Just find positivity and happiness in your life minus the husband. Change your approach and attitude towards your life. Your hatred is not affecting your husband and it is affecting only you.

 

OP, Sometimes what we really feel is completely different from what we think we feel.

For example - I have a tendency to keep quiet no matter how much the other party has insulted me,hurt me, all in the name of 'not letting the matter go out of hand'. I have been said to have 'patience of a saint'. But obviously, I am no saint. The incident or words keeps churning inside me and I "hate" the person too. What I really hate is the fact that I didn't say anything right then. It is anger directed towards my own self for not standing up for myself.

So ask your self - do you really hate him or do you hate the fact that he is able to manipulate you and you are unable to stand up for yourself?

calling spade a spade - he is manipulative. He is doing everything he can to disrupt your plans. Let him know what you want and make him realize it is going to happen whether or not he likes it. you are going on a vacation with him and his parents somewhere in the middle? okay! But make sure to book a ticket to India to visit your parents and sister from the vacation spot. Irrespective of whether he comes or not. If you go to his sister's place instead of your's ,next time, say a firm NO to his sister. Relationships are give and take. My sister not important to you? your sister not important to me. Stand your ground.

 

haha
So waiting for the ripe age of mine
Karma’s b**

 

Very true!

Loved the part “single mom in marriage”

This control thing to not see the Family is very common with desi men. Even in past generation. Mine used to tell me- after shaadi aurat ke sare rishte with her mayake, get over
He didn’t let me see them, told my brothers cant visit, all kind of tamasha. It must have turned my hair grey.
His three sisters are always at their mayake. Ine stays in house, another in same town and another vists each weekend. And then this guy tells me I can’t see my siblings, cousin, parents

OP,
It is common thing but you can change it if you want.
Obe time you will have to do himmat and
do big fight and go

If you do it once, he will not tell u to not go in future

But dont hope that he will go, waste of your energy

Do write him in email that if he stops u from meeting your family side or friends thrn it amounts to emotional abuse by isolating you. Give a link of several article on this from web and send it to his work email and tell him that you are copying your legal advisor and other well wishers in BCC. And that you are writing the email hopibg he won’t sabotage your current trip.
Copy the email to yourself in cc and ur well wishers in bcc , no need for actual legal advisor in bcc, just say that
See if he scared of this kind of email being sent to his work address, it shd work

But do plan a trip, once u do it, he will backoff

 

Honestly you're not alone. I feel the same way. My husband doesnt get on with my family and if he does. His mother gets so jealous she'll stir the pot. I despise him so much because I have been so patient and done everything for him not even his own mother would do. But yet he is never greatful.