I Dunno If My Dad Is Joking Or Serious When He Says Action Speak Better Than Words I.e I Don't Care

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

fourthaugust said: ↑

So give yourself a pat on the back and remember not everything is connected to your past. Believe that you are just a normal human with some imperfection , which is ok. There is nothing wrong with you. Just believe in yourself for a second.
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I'll try .... past goes away in phases.

Only recently I stopped craving to paint Punjabi subjects .... now I rather paint things related to Indian-Subcontinent, so I do see that as a step in positive direction

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

Sandycandy said: ↑

Your innocence is refreshing but be confident about yourself and don’t crowd your mind with a million doubts. Please take care .
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Thank you, am trying

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

MonikaSG said: ↑

I too have that kind of ignorant behaviour and my kids fall sick and suffered a lot due to this. I felt guilty but then my h said its OK to be like this as no one can be so careful. Also you love your kids and never want bad for them. Even if they were sick it was me who spend restless days and sleepless nights for them. So that made me forget myself to some extent. Still feel that want to be more conscious and alert.
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I hope your kids are well now. It's good your Hubby is understanding with this.

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

yellowmango said: ↑

Go out with him. Take him for a movie or dinner. Try to enjoy .

Good luck girl .
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Ahhh, I wish I can accompany my Dad for his walks. I used to be able to do that 20 years ago.

Hopefully I can carve out some time....

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

silentlistener said: ↑

@ChennaiExpress

In none of your threads, I have seen any mention about your mother. Tell briefly about your mother. Where is she ?
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Actually, she is quite toxic and always sided with people who hurt me. Wrote recently here, How To Stop Being Resentful To Past Hurts

ChennaiExpress · Mar 3, 2018

yellowmango said: ↑

CE
Do you have a picture of your ex?
Draw a picture of him and set it on fire. Set him and yourself free.
Get some closure.

Hugs to you.

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I should try that!

MonikaSG · Mar 4, 2018

Thanks.

Camille · Mar 9, 2018

ChennaiExpress said: ↑

I tend to be very absent minded and forgetful
***
Your life is full of blamers? So, you feel like however you offer something - like reminders to Dad or making your own decisions about you - it's going to be wrong. Wrong words, wrong decision, wrong time or whatever. oh, and you're not a mindreader or Superwoman!

You are not absentminded and forgetful. You are trying to coordinate multiple different activities, demands from outside including unreasonable ones, all the while being taken to task for things that are not your fault or responsibility in the first place. What you're hearing is If you really cared, you'd be perfect ... perfect in everybody else's terms. Instead of gratitude for being the caring & careful daughter you are, you're getting back faultfinding (plus whatever kind of horrible your mom is still being.)

Depending on how old your Dad is, aging may be affecting his thinking, judgment and his feelings. Aging makes some people less "thoughtful" and less rational. People often say things like "He's not himself any more" when this is happening. If that is going on (ask his doctor?) you might feel better about your Dad's *attitude* if you know that some of his criticalness is because of aging.

Actions speak louder than words ... What YOU are doing, your actions, "say" that you're trying to take care of your Dad as well as you're *allowed* to. Can you step back and look at the actions of your Dad, your Mom and your Ex? Their actions also 'speak louder than their words, and their actions could use a lot of improvement, to put it mildly.

***

And if I need to tell Dad something important, I think it is too early to tell him

For instance, my Dad goes for small walk after I return from work. It's the only exercise he is comfortable with till we get a recumbant bike

Today was Winter storm in March. I kept thinking all the way home from work I need to tell Dad to wear BIG COAT when going out.

I ended up telling Dad when he was nearly out the door.

Dad got upset that I didn't tell him sooner because it is hard for him to wear sweater, coat, hat.

Then he said he will go out

Five minutes later he returns and changes into big coat then leaves

Five minutes later he calls and says come to door with his gloves because he forgot to take gloves

Now he came home and asked to bring his medication. Instead I was distracted and bought pillows for his feet. Then I told Dad I got distracted, and bought the medication.

Then Dad said "action speaks louder than words". He is saying that I say I want him to be alive and healthy, but my action prevents him from going outside to get whatever little exercise he can get.

I suppose there is some truth to this.

If I truly cared, I could have had presence of mind and prevented 80% of the health problems he is suffering with.

And if I truly cared, I wouldn't have married my now ex knowing there were uncomfortable flags everywhere (I didn't realize these were red flags. I guess I'm so used to people ignoring me, I thought this was normal behavior)

Only I started to love and appreciate my Dad in last few years. Plus I realize without him my Mom would have (and still can) make my life a nightmare.

But sometimes I get a feeling if my ex wasn't nasty and disrespectful to Dad, and if it was never discovered that my ex visited prostitutes (thereby carrying lot of latent diseases), 100% my Dad would have blamed the crumbling of the marriage on me.

I guess there are still some inner, subconscious things I need to work out.

And I'm no Hero for wanting to study medicine (studying Khan Academy, Coursera in free time, will dive deeper once full-time job is secure) to help Dad. My boss says he doesn't want Heros to fix a problem at last moment --- it is usually the Heros who could have prevented it in the first place.
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satchitananda · Apr 25, 2018

Rihana said: ↑

CE,
"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself."

My favorite line from a favorite poem. Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata"
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Thanks for sharing this poem, Rihana.

blooms4me · Apr 25, 2018

fourthaugust said: ↑

Dear op
What's the use of having all these thoughts.
You are doing great and working hard. Cut yourself some slack dear. Sometimes we get so hard on ourselves and don't even realise this. You don't have to hard on yourself. You are doing just fine.
Your past , is gone. You did pretty well to accept your then husband and when the decision turned a nightmare you kicked him out.
Most of the girls don't even have the guts to recognize that there is a problem.
So give yourself a pat on the back and remember not everything is connected to your past. Believe that you are just a normal human with some imperfection , which is ok. There is nothing wrong with you. Just believe in yourself for a second.
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I totally agree with fourthaugust. No one is perfect. We just have to be better versions of ourselves everyday. I am sure you are doing the best you can.

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