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I Don't See Light In My Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lssony, Apr 29, 2016.

  1. lssony

    lssony Junior IL'ite

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    I was a divorcee before getting my second marriage couple of years a go. My first marriage was hell and it drained me completely for few years. I met my now DH through matrimony, but he was staying in india and myself abroad. Being a single child I wanted to be near my parents and wanted to shift to india. My mother and her family opposed me of this guy as they were said by guy's neighbours that he was drunkard and the her ex wife left him citing he is impotent but I believed him thinking all allegations are wrong. We got married against my mothers family, but my father suported me. After few months of marriage my dad commited suicide, which gave a big life time shock to me as I was unaware of his financial status. Things went worse after my dad's death, my dh supported me but there was quarrel in my moms sisde of family as they wwere not happy with all this. there were lot of settlements and for that we had to sell a property for which my mom way of dealing money is completely different with my dh's and there was argument between them, I had told several times to my mom to talk to dh smoothly and in low voice but she never tried to understand keeps nagging my dh about some issues which dh never liked. This continues till 6 months. There was verbal fights between my mom and dh when my mom came came to my house for couple of times. My husband resigned his job even repeatedly saying, but he said his ego was hurt in office so he resigned. I hid this from my mom and other family memebers, but i said to inlaws later. there were lot of quarrels between me and my dh during this phase. I was working night shifts. One day, when I am in office I got call both from dh and my mom, My mom was crying saying that my dh called her from wine shop and abused her on phone. i was shocked to hear as I neever knew this side of his nature. I called my dh and begged him for not to dod this, that time I was 9 weeks pregnant suddenly I started to get stomach pain and I asked my dh to pick from office. he came then picked me in car and started abusing, till then I never knew that my dh will drink outside as I felt he was drinking at home when I am present that was the promise he gave. We both went home, and the time he saw my mom, he started beating her and broke things at him, I fell at his feet, cried very badly and begging to stop all this but he is drunk state. He started abusing my mom very badly, which I cannot imagine. I called my MIL, she came and sent him to some relatives house. till couple of days there was no sleep in house for me, I was crying n crying
     
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  2. lssony

    lssony Junior IL'ite

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    I was sandwiched between dh and mom, i too bet my mom as I was unable to control dh or her as both r abusing each other. mom left after couple of days, then dh used to quarrels frequently with me, he used to go out sit in wine shop call me and used to abuse my mom by calling me. I was keeping silent. what should I do, it was second marriage and I am pregnant.
    After getting married, I helped dh by giving my savings and took some loan from parents total equivalent to 10 lakhs, which we agreed to pay in installments. As there was no income dh had to take debt from outside with the help of MIL and we used to survive on it and my salary. Husband always used to promise on me, mil, unborn baby, god that he will not drink but he used to come home drunk. Still, I adjusted as I dont have any option to go anywhere or my uncles will support as they were against to my marriage from beginning. Evertyhign was hidedn. Other than that, dh used to take good care of me, took to hospital and he was also excited of the baby to be born.
    couple of moths back dh got job and I thought everything is going fine, but every weekend he comes home drunk and fights with me about mom, abuses her very very badly which a daughter cannot hear abt her mom. Next day I called my uncles and told regarding this, they asked my dh to stop drinking and abusing my mom and concentrate on me and baby. dh said OK with them, but that evening he came drunk, I ignored it, as I can't fight with everyday. after 2 days he kept gold chain in loan which my parents gifted without informing me, and he told later that night. I quarreled that night regarding it, In this all happenings my mil always supports dh and he doesnt quarrel with her son to be nice. they say they cant do anyhting as their son doesnt listen to them.
    After this, my Inlaws paid money and bought the gold chain back, but my inlaws left with out speaking a word to me and thinks I am the baddie here despite their son creating all the problems.
    The other day, we were and thought everything was fine but the next day itself dh said he is going out, and called me after 3 hours, started abusing my mom, uncles and I left home as I was exhusted with his nature.
    Now I am at my uncles place with mom, dh is repetaedly calling me, stalking me at office, harrasing my uncles by sending abusive sms, he even sent middle3 of the night sms stating he is commiting sucide and mom n her brothers are responsible for it.
     
  3. lssony

    lssony Junior IL'ite

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    I am 8 months pregnant and will be delivery baby soon, I feel like dying, and feel very bad for my unborn child for bringing her in this situation. My family advises me that he will never changes, as myself also doesnt trust him anymore and he doesnt stand on his word.
    Please help me, should I divorce him but I am scared of divorce for second time for going through it with a child in hand.......or should give him another chance to change?
     
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Please leave him..

    First try to leave temporarily for now, if situation does not improve decide later.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2016
    pinkydarling likes this.
  5. RamyaSridhar1978

    RamyaSridhar1978 Gold IL'ite

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    I think it's best you leave him.Unfortunately you failed to do a proper background check inspite of people warning against his nature. Destiny I guess. But start afresh its never too late. This time just your child and you.
     
    minn1 likes this.
  6. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    @OP,
    As us say, this is your second marriage and with a baby coming, you cannot afford to take any hasty decision now. First of all take care of your health, look after the baby well when it arrives, get back to your normal routines. Meanwhile, it is important to tell your mother clearly not to interfere in your lives or even talk to your husband when there is so much animosity. The reason is clearly your mother's behaviour in the beginning also. Whatever differences, she can either try to help you by being polite to your hubby or just leave you to manage your life. It is clear that her involvment is damaging your married life.
    Try and give your husband a chance - at the same time telling him clearly that he either deals with his alcoholism properly and behaves well with you or you will have no alternative than to call this marriage off.
    Wish things go well for you in the end. Take care.
     
    waiting4rmlong likes this.
  7. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

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    Okay, calm down.

    I understand there is a lot on your plate right now. But there is nothing which you cannot overcome.

    1. First priority, YOUR baby. Take care of your health properly, go for regular checkups, take your supplements and deliver a healthy child.

    2. Do NOT quit your job, or give up financial independence, no matter what.

    3. DISCONNECT from everything else right now for the next three months. Others problems, loans, etc. are not yours to deal with right now.

    4. Lastly, do not entertain any abusive calls from your husband. Simply hang up the phone, and don't engage in any conversation at all.

    This list should clearly be your priority: child, job, support, ex-husbands. I have deliberately placed your husband last in this list. And I have deliberately said EX-HUSBANDS (in the plural). You have got what you want out of this marriage (a beautiful child). You certainly need not pay for his alcoholism, or debts, or cover up for his joblessness.

    Chin up, move forward. A divorcee with a child is not unheard of, and there have been many who have beaten the odds. Yes, it is tough, there will be sad days. But it is much better than the hell you have been through. TWICE.
     
  8. blossomingbud

    blossomingbud Silver IL'ite

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    What would you do if this was your first marriage? Now go and do that.

    An abusive relation is just that. an abusive relation. It doesn't matter if it is your first or not.
     
  9. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    Leave him.....he is not going to change, if he hadn't changed after his first divorce, then the chances for him to change is very less.....

    Your life & your baby is your priority.....don't think about the society much and don't put yourself under harassment just because it's a second marriage........
     
  10. waiting4rmlong

    waiting4rmlong Gold IL'ite

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    I support what joylokhi said. You shouldn't make interfere your mother in your married life. Since she didn't like him from beginning she has hate in that she shouted him. A son-in-law always expect respect from bride family side. It is important that parents or anyone should not interfere in their son/daughter life after marriage which resulted like your case. Initially with the same of issues we had fighting. That time didn't understand about this. His ego hurted thats why he is behaving like this.until that time seems to be he was good at you caring you. But priority is baby first to you. Give him 1 chance and say anyhow for 1st delivery you have to be at your mother place as per tradition once after delivery done will join you if you didn't continue drink habbit like that.take oath on baby. Since he also likes baby I expect he won't do. Slowly he may try to decrease.
     
    joylokhi likes this.

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