I cant live up to my values b'coz of my MIL....Need suggestion!!!

miss33 · Jan 12, 2015

I have been following this forum from a long time and now posting my issue here to get a valuable suggestions, as I can not decide what to do. I am a person who believe that in-laws are also part of my family and they deserve a share in our earning as I feel that this is my responsibility. My parents taught me good moral values… But now I can’t stand to my values due to MIL.Here is my issue,,,,,

Ours is a love marriage. Married since 15 yrs. Husband is very good, caring and helping person. FIL is a good person.MIL is the trouble maker. Mil and Sil made a big mess in my life and I went to depression and it took a long time for me and my husband came out of that hell of daily fights because of them. Even during all these fights, I used to send them money every month (My husband was not much interested…but I used to say it is our responsibility to send money) and bought a house for them to live in. My husband was ready to spend 20 lakhs for the house, but there was one good one for 30 lakhs. So I convinced my husband to buy a good one, instead of the 20 L house. We finally bought the 30 L apartment for them. Everyone were happy and praised me that I am very kind hearted. Not just in this situation, if there is any occasion in my in-laws family I will be the first person help anyone in terms of work, suggestions or money. Everyone in their family loves me expect my MIL and SIL. They did a lot a shabby things to pull me down in the eyes of family members…but I was ok with it as my husband was supporting and protecting me a lot.

We moved abroad and my In-laws came to vist my family. Before they came here, I said to my husband to send them some money that can buy good saree and dress and use the money to settle some of their bills as they need to close their business for few month when they come here. My husband sent them Rs 50,000. When my MIL came here she got 2 full suitcases of new sarees. She said SIL has bought her all the sarres. Then my husband asked her Why dint u buy with the money I sent to you ? where is that money? She said - All the money is with your dad. I know she bought it with our money and is saying lies to us. I was very devastated by the way she talked. In this abroad county with no proper visa, with 2 young kids me and my husband are working hard to bring up our kids and to repay the loan for the house we bought for them…This lady is enjoying with our money and has a heaps of ego to accept it.

I did not want to join back to job after my second kid was born,,,,but because we have home loans and other debts which my in-laws made…my husband forced me to join back to job. If we dint had these debts …. I don’t need to work….I can happly stay home and look after my kids…because of them I had to leave my 6 month old son at home/child care and go back to work. Every day I leave him in child care….I feel the pain of working for some one else.We cant afford much for ourselves due to less pays....we try to save by cutting down simple pleasures as well. But now this lady is enjoying my hard earned cash and giving the credit to some one else.I can not digest this. If she is saying lies to us….I can guess what she would be saying to the the world. My heart was literally broken. When I said same thing to my husband he said- May be SIL has really bought the sarees….how do you know that mom is saying lies. I had nothing to prove….So I left the topic there.
My inlaws left to India and 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] day they called us for money. My husband said use that 50,000 (the money we sent before in-law came). My FIL said – Nothing is left, your mom bought sarees,…she dint even let me settle the business bills….she spent all the money to buy sarees. I had a big pain in my heart…but husband was alright…he said my mom behaves like this…we cant change her.But I insisted that we don’t send money until he talked to his mom about this. We dint send any money…. after 1 week we got a call again from his dad – With a lot pressure from me my husband talked to his dad about this.Fil said he also feels sad with Mil behaviour. I insisted we don’t send money….but my husband sent it without telling me. After few months of my constant asking he said he sent money….I lost trust on my husband. He said it is his responsibility to send.He dint have this thinking when he married me…I taught all this to him and now he is saying back to me.

My In-laws are not financially well settled. They have a small business from which they can earn their living. We bought an apartment and they live in it. They also get $5000 rents from the other house we bought. They keep asking money every now and then which we give whenever they ask.I had no issues with this in past…..But now I don’t want to support them…when Mil spends our money and does not even accept before us…why should I work hard to pay their home loan and luxuries???

Yesterday they called my husband and said…they need money. They asked to send some Rs 30 K now and every month they r not going to ask go money ….. 1[SUP]st[/SUP] of every month we have to send Rs 10,000.
I am deadly against to sending money to them. When I shared this to my parents,,,they said I should send them money ….no matter how ever they behave with me. I don’t accept to this….I feel I am being utilized as a ATM card by my MIL.

I am not fighting with my husband anymore…we had loads of discussion on this. My husband says he has to send otherwise he feels guilty and feels stress. But I don’t want to send money.This discussion is going no where,….I cant find a solution.So posting this to you all....to get your suggestions.What should I do ?????????
Should I keep up my values even Mil does not deserve this?
Should I send money to them?
Should I convince my husband not to send money for their parents luxuries when they can earn for them selves.....but how to convince him? I said to him that we can help them for any major expenses like health/business in future. My inlaws have 4 kids – we bought a house for them and they r taking 5000 rent from our other house..we are already doing our part.Why not other 3 kids share responsibilities?? - But my husband is not listening to me.
Any other suggestions???

poovai · Jan 13, 2015

Never ending discussions for the couples who live in abroad. People in India think that, greenies grow on tree, we can pluck it and keep sending it to the ILs family.

No point in arguing with your DH and making your life miserable. It's only the money, let it go and if you don't say anything/argue with your DH, he will stop by himself. The more you say, men try to defend their family's need.

Keep working and save your salary separately for your kids. Tell him upfront, this money is ONLY for our kids future. Make sure that he spends his salary for the 100% of living expenses for your family. !@#$^&* will be thrown at you, saying you are selfish. Don't yield under any pressure to share your income. Even if you cover some expenses, ask him to payback the money within certain time. Don't be shy to ask for the money back.

It worked out very well for us. Overtime, my DH saw the growth investments on my income, voluntarily contributes towards it, yearly and it changed his attitude on spending towards his family.

Funny.....Last year, DH wanted to buy a new SUV, I paid the amount and made him return the money in few installments back to my account. At the end of the year, he said I gave XXXXX to you this year. I laughed, 'oh ya, that was the one standing in the garage' and it made him speechless.

Being nice, kind to my DH is different story. But, when it comes to "money", I am worse than the "pawn shop" lender. DH understands that, very well and it disciplined his spending.

nb25 · Jan 13, 2015

miss33 said: ↑

I have been following this forum from a long time and now posting my issue here to get a valuable suggestions, as I can not decide what to do. I am a person who believe that in-laws are also part of my family and they deserve a share in our earning as I feel that this is my responsibility. My parents taught me good moral values… But now I can’t stand to my values due to MIL.Here is my issue,,,,,These so called good moral values are good only for PILs. Not for you or your husband. I hope you have realized this now. You need to think on your own about your welfare.

Ours is a love marriage. Married since 15 yrs. Husband is very good, caring and helping person. FIL is a good person.MIL is the trouble maker. Mil and Sil made a big mess in my life and I went to depression and it took a long time for me and my husband came out of that hell of daily fights because of them. Even during all these fights, I used to send them money every month (My husband was not much interested…but I used to say it is our responsibility to send money) and bought a house for them to live in. This was your first mistake. My husband was ready to spend 20 lakhs for the house, but there was one good one for 30 lakhs. So I convinced my husband to buy a good one, instead of the 20 L house. We finally bought the 30 L apartment for them. This was the second. Everyone were happy and praised me that I am very kind hearted. Not just in this situation, if there is any occasion in my in-laws family I will be the first person help anyone in terms of work, suggestions or money. Everyone in their family loves me expect my MIL and SIL. Why do you care so much about love and respect from others? Will they give you money when you need it? They did a lot a shabby things to pull me down in the eyes of family members…but I was ok with it as my husband was supporting and protecting me a lot. I don't understand how you can take this so casually. In your place, I would have stopped contributing any thing, and had no relationship with them. Don't let any one disrespect you. You have already done so much for them. They should treat you a lot better than this.

We moved abroad and my In-laws came to vist my family. Before they came here, I said to my husband to send them some money that can buy good saree and dress and use the money to settle some of their bills as they need to close their business for few month when they come here. This was your third mistake. You should never give money, if it is not asked for. Your ILs are adults. If they are coming to visit you abroad, they must have saved up for the near future, at least. You don't need to decide for them. They can ask if they want money. My husband sent them Rs 50,000. When my MIL came here she got 2 full suitcases of new sarees. She said SIL has bought her all the sarres. Then my husband asked her Why dint u buy with the money I sent to you ? where is that money? She said - All the money is with your dad. I know she bought it with our money and is saying lies to us. I was very devastated by the way she talked. I hope you also realized this is how it will always be. In this abroad county with no proper visa, with 2 young kids me and my husband are working hard to bring up our kids and to repay the loan for the house we bought for them…This lady is enjoying with our money and has a heaps of ego to accept it.

I did not want to join back to job after my second kid was born,,,,but because we have home loans and other debts which my in-laws made…my husband forced me to join back to job. If we dint had these debts …. I don’t need to work….Since you convinced your husband to give money to ILs, to buy them a bigger house than he wanted, etc., you will have to support him now in paying back the debts. I can happly stay home and look after my kids…because of them I had to leave my 6 month old son at home/child care and go back to work. Every day I leave him in child care….I feel the pain of working for some one else. It must be hard to leave your little kid and go to work, but you have a responsibility to your husband. You should support him. Otherwise, he will feel bad shouldering all the debts by himself. We cant afford much for ourselves due to less pays....we try to save by cutting down simple pleasures as well. All the more reason for you to go to work. Can you find a job where the office has day care facility? But now this lady is enjoying my hard earned cash and giving the credit to some one else.I can not digest this. If she is saying lies to us….I can guess what she would be saying to the the world. My heart was literally broken. When I said same thing to my husband he said- May be SIL has really bought the sarees….how do you know that mom is saying lies. I had nothing to prove….So I left the topic there.
My inlaws left to India and 2[SUP]nd[/SUP] day they called us for money. My husband said use that 50,000 (the money we sent before in-law came). My FIL said – Nothing is left, your mom bought sarees,…she dint even let me settle the business bills….she spent all the money to buy sarees. I had a big pain in my heart…but husband was alright…he said my mom behaves like this…we cant change her.But I insisted that we don’t send money until he talked to his mom about this. We dint send any money…. after 1 week we got a call again from his dad – With a lot pressure from me my husband talked to his dad about this.Fil said he also feels sad with Mil behaviour. I think your FIL doesn't mind MIL spending all the money, because he knows you are there for them. He can get all the money he wants from you guys. Why should he bother? I insisted we don’t send money….but my husband sent it without telling me. After few months of my constant asking he said he sent money….I lost trust on my husband. He said it is his responsibility to send.He dint have this thinking when he married me…I taught all this to him and now he is saying back to me.

My In-laws are not financially well settled. They have a small business from which they can earn their living. We bought an apartment and they live in it. They also get $5000 rents from the other house we bought. They keep asking money every now and then which we give whenever they ask.I had no issues with this in past…..But now I don’t want to support them…when Mil spends our money and does not even accept before us…why should I work hard to pay their home loan and luxuries??? You have done more than enough for them. Don't give them more money. Focus on building your own assets first.

Yesterday they called my husband and said…they need money. They asked to send some Rs 30 K now and every month they r not going to ask go money ….. 1[SUP]st[/SUP] of every month we have to send Rs 10,000.
I am deadly against to sending money to them. When I shared this to my parents,,,they said I should send them money ….no matter how ever they behave with me. I don’t accept to this….I feel I am being utilized as a ATM card by my MIL. Don't discuss it with your parents. You know now what they really are like. Please don't make further sacrifices for them. If they do not treat you well after every thing you have done for them, they never will. Don't try to please them.

I am not fighting with my husband anymore…we had loads of discussion on this. My husband says he has to send otherwise he feels guilty and feels stress. But I don’t want to send money.This discussion is going no where,….I cant find a solution.So posting this to you all....to get your suggestions.What should I do ?????????
Should I keep up my values even Mil does not deserve this? There are no values here. This is exploitation of son and DIL.
Should I send money to them? No.
Should I convince my husband not to send money for their parents luxuries when they can earn for them selves.....but how to convince him? I said to him that we can help them for any major expenses like health/business in future. My inlaws have 4 kids – we bought a house for them and they r taking 5000 rent from our other house..we are already doing our part.Why not other 3 kids share responsibilities?? - But my husband is not listening to me. Let your husband know you support him in taking care of his parents, like always. But, you also have to think about your children now. Build an emergency fund where you put aside some fixed amount every month to take care of any future health problems for MIL/FIL. If they face any health problems, or other emergencies, where money is needed genuinely, then only should this fund be used. Otherwise, this money can go to the fund for children. Other than this, stop giving any money to PILs. Reduce the amount little by little. Turn down some of the unreasonable requests first. Then, over time, say no to other smaller monetary expectations.Don't oppose husband openly when he wants to give them money. Instead, involve him in building a similar emergency fund for the two of you, and another one for your children. The fund for both of you can be used for saving for emergencies, and may be used for buying property in the future, when enough cash has accumulated.
Any other suggestions???
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Sorry if I was too harsh. Hope you get out of this situation soon. My best wishes are with you.

indubalram · Jan 13, 2015

I agree with Poovai, keep your money separate. Thats the best solution for u right now. Just leave your husband decide. you give your opinion. But dont expect him to listen. this is my 2 cents.

miss33 · Jan 13, 2015

Thank you poovai, for taking time to read and reply to my post.
You gave me an out of box suggestion

miss33 · Jan 13, 2015

Hi nb25, I really appreciate your time for replying/ commennting line by line.
I agree with each and every line u said.I realize all my mistakes now.never late than ever. I have been good to ppl who don't deserve it.Yes the emergency funds....sounds like a good point to keep my husband engaged to our savings.
Once again thank you

priyanka12345 · Jan 13, 2015

Hi,

Stop giving money to husband. save for your kid . however if he asks you to lend him money try direct investments from your account so that the salary credited after all investments is only so much that you can spend for your own home.

this will automatically give him the message that you dont have surplus to lend him as well.

Vedhavalli · Jan 13, 2015

Keep your money as separate one.
After all its your's....never give inlaws..they wont realize its hard earned money.
When FIL met with accident (accident was caused by SIL's husband who rode the bike)..everyone in family told get him treated in good hospital etc. My DH & me ended up paying in lakhs, i was in my maternity break then. The accident causer & SIL dint even turned up during FIL discharge.
Later when DH asked 1 Lak (we had to pay our home loan emi), MIL and FIL made a big fuss and now they are not in talking in terms with me n dh because we asked money.

they dint call us for DIWALI or Varalakshmi viratham..my DD is 10 months, still they dint call her home.
PIL are money looters..never spend for them. They have much more investment plans than us. They are super smart.

1)In your case 3 more siblings are there..tell them clearly its everyone's responsibility to take care.
2) In a year each child will take care of parents for 3 months in turns, let your husband contribute for their monthly spending for those 3 months.
3) Purchase a home - with loan, i did that. EMI would take your money, so you wont have money to give PIL.

Preetii · Jan 13, 2015

hello poovai,
i read the whole thread and ur advice/suggestions to miss 33...

as i am gng to get married in another 60 days period... yes its love marriage... but my giy is quietly different too difficult to manage all times...when i had option to stop this marriage, i didnt... when i want situation not same and to save atleast my mom's image before society i am forwarding to marriage....he id good guy who speaks good wrds & keep me happy & do all happy things when he is happy & when he is angry i cannot manage him atall... in our 2 yrs life he told worst bad wrds to me and leaving all my self respect i am still with him... he himself agrees he cant control his anger... but now i have come to an conclusion nt to hear his wrds nor his behavior as it taking my peace away....

but the prob now i face is gng to be difficult... bcos for this marriage i am taking full loan and he also with his frnds... on a gross both salary 95% gng to loans... i am still confident & hoping i cud finish off in some time as worrying now nt gng to get back anyting... but he expected luxurious life ... but now it s gng to dfifficult.... how to manage him bcos we are daily fighting bcos of this money related issues.... and he expects me to support him financially which is nt posb fr me now... i ll left out with only meager amnt which i need for my self expenses... where he cant agree to it, as he wants tat money also to be given to him... and he expects i shd ask him for my personal expenses... but i am afraid he ll nt give me money to take revenge on fights which come

yellowmango · Jan 13, 2015

Preetii said: ↑

hello poovai,
i read the whole thread and ur advice/suggestions to miss 33...

as i am gng to get married in another 60 days period... yes its love marriage... but my giy is quietly different too difficult to manage all times...when i had option to stop this marriage, i didnt... when i want situation not same and to save atleast my mom's image before society i am forwarding to marriage....he id good guy who speaks good wrds & keep me happy & do all happy things when he is happy & when he is angry i cannot manage him atall... in our 2 yrs life he told worst bad wrds to me and leaving all my self respect i am still with him... he himself agrees he cant control his anger... but now i have come to an conclusion nt to hear his wrds nor his behavior as it taking my peace away....

but the prob now i face is gng to be difficult... bcos for this marriage i am taking full loan and he also with his frnds... on a gross both salary 95% gng to loans... i am still confident & hoping i cud finish off in some time as worrying now nt gng to get back anyting... but he expected luxurious life ... but now it s gng to dfifficult.... how to manage him bcos we are daily fighting bcos of this money related issues.... and he expects me to support him financially which is nt posb fr me now... i ll left out with only meager amnt which i need for my self expenses... where he cant agree to it, as he wants tat money also to be given to him... and he expects i shd ask him for my personal expenses... but i am afraid he ll nt give me money to take revenge on fights which come
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Don't marry him. It is like willingly jumping into a well. Sorry for being frank...but I feel you still have time to save yourself.