I behind the curtain!

I am feeling good on reading this post and I would like to keep reading again and again. I would certainly start reading Shiv Khera's book which is lying unattended in the home. Although I consider each being unique and find some thing or other very precious in the being, I took 'comparing' as the barometer that I am not expecting something that is not normal.

Thank you for the helpful post. Today I see the angels in the Indus Ladies and feel to believe that yes, they do exist. Thank you so much.

 

Thank you Ganariya. I would certainly keep your tips in mind and would keep involved in all those tasks. I would certainly keep updating whats happening and to know from you all if I am not doing any wrong thing. Yes, I feel very bad about me as I feel that I have limited tolerance though waiting for 17 years. I feel as if I have lack of 'acceptance' and 'unconditional love' qualities which is believed as an ornaments to woman. Subconsciously, I feel guilty and feeling that I am doing some unethical thing as he says that "You dont deserve this luxury and you wont ever get satisfied with anything". I would certainly go to counselling to know if there is anything wrong in me that I should promptly improve for my family. Once I am happy about me, I would make sure that I am not demanding something more in this relationship.

But certainly, with counselling, I would also focus on all good things that Flower Lady and you have suggested. Thank you.

 

Dear teacher,

Do you know, I started comparing very late, maybe, recently. But do you know, he has been always humiliating me for my father having less wealth than his father. If you understand Hindi, he used to ask me my "aukat" whenever he used to anger. However, he has not used this word for last 2 years. Comparisons were started by his mother and then him first. I had been just defending. It is not good, I understand now, that once he has started improving his behavior, I have started comparing and expecting.

Further, when I share about his physical limitations, I have never complained for that part. But as few years ahead, I had met my client, who was very proud despite she had married to the handicap, I found from her that she is very proud because his family respects her a lot for accepting their handicap son despite being perfect. On the other hand, right from the first year of the marriage, I have been degraded and humiliated by every body in his family.

He used to beat me earlier in the way that I would find the bruises for 13 years or so on my body! He walks limping but he still has great physical power and he looks very tall and heavy in appearance. He had not mentioned to say "tu' instead of "aap" if he is angry. He has not missed saying the rudest word to my father for defending me once upon a time. He is the one who had shouted all the list of rude vocabulary in front of the society to my father (he was drunk by then). It happened in India. But thenafter, he said to me, that as this incident happened 7 years ago, we should forget and start life afresh.

If I were not born to my parents, he would have been able to maintain his dignity. My father who is always proudful for everything he does and who can never accept wrong things, did not speak anything to my husband at that night, he said to the society boys (it was 12 o'clock midnight and the society big boys wanted to beat my husband speaking such rude language in front of the families having daughters, small kids, etc.) that "he is my son-in-law, please forgive him". My father told my husband that "My son, you have forgotten what the cultured family you are coming from. Please for the sake of the esteem of your family, go back to your home".

 

Despite being from the wealthy family, nobody supported financially to us when my husband business was unsuccessful. The business that I had started was obstructed a lot by my husband. I still continued. "Let me see how people are coming here to study" were his words. I started teaching in the school nearby with the permission of the generous principal.

The same business of mine fed us for 2 years and 9 months when we were in India. His father would not take the money out despite he had great wealth. I was running the home had been the secret and is still secret which is known by only him and his parents. I did not want to spoil his image that he is not earning. At one stage, I also shared this with my parents and brothers requesting them not to tell anybody as it may spoil family's image.

But even all these things are not valued while he compares me or speaks bad about me.

 

Sorry, I should now concentrate on what I want to do in future and try to shun away my past. It is only painful and not helpful.

May God give me strength in fulfilling all my goals.

 

Dear Teacher,

I heartily appreciate the time that you have put on to write your views. It always help when one has friends having different views. If I disagree sometimes, it is just for the cause that I have experienced the situations more closely and I may have reasons to believe something. However, it does not mean that I may be right everytime. Please feel free, to point out where I make mistakes. If I am not wrong, children are much affected with mother's mistakes than father's mistakes. So I would like to stop making mistakes if I do any. As soon as I read the first post of a friend suggesting that it is not wise to 'compare', the first step I did is to go to him and say 'sorry' for comparing him. I said to him that it was not to hurt him from any angle but only to specify my needs. But I also reminded that I have started doing this recently and you have been doing this for 15 years out of 17 years of marriage life. I had told him that I am really unhappy because I am not finding my needs being fulfilled.

He said to me, "I know what you can do. You may commit suicide or leave the home or go for divorce. You are not capable to do any thing else ". He said to me, "You cant choose any other option but remember, nothing should happen to my kids".

I am so stupid that I feel like to believe that he is speaking all these in anger and may change his words after few days.

I still want to do everything very slowly so that I would not regret of doing something very quickly.