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I Am Under High Stress Because Of My Husband Dealing With My Kid.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sanjuruby3, Nov 14, 2016.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    To be honest, I am not fan of my husband. He has many issues and our relationship is not very good. After kid, we are apart and no common grounds. We have our own enjoyment methods, we sleep separate and he watches tab/tv separately and I live on my own.
    He is okay and helps in household kitchen work. To worsen, he is almost taking control on what to cook, how to cook, what /how to pack for others and I hate him. Nothing that I do he appreciates or likes. That is his attitude but thats okay. Problem is how he deals with my daughter.
    We go together in car. He always plays some news/music which has some unacceptable words for a 2 yr old to listen. If not, he will play TV for her and she gets addicted.
    At home, weekends/weekdays, morning he gets up, kid asks something (anything) , immediately TV turns on... You want cartoons ..ok lets watch cartoons. Aftertoons, evenings. ..every time. Then when it is over an hour for her in front of TV, I have to interfere stop.
    He does not bother she gets too close to TV and I become bad mom again.
    He does not bother sound/brightness or what is coming on TV.
    He watches TV full day on weekends and she too. He does not bother she needs to go out, its warm outside, she can be taken to park and needs company. She watches TV with him.
    Because of his TV habits, she likes him and literally sends me away.

    Then, he speaks all those bad words in front of her ( to her while talking to her) and just won't stop. In a day about 20 times, he will say, sh_t, po..y,..and all those in local languages (those abuses in local native lang).
    Earlier I tried to stop him, then fight. I realized I hurt his mouse ego but he increased using words because on rebellion. Once twice, my LO picked up those words and started using.. specifically sh_t and 1 more word. And once we were in car, she said in front of him. He was shocked and then kind of controlled those momentarily.
    Then again , by nature, started and intensified.

    I had cut down on my nagging but sometimes it will be too much for me to hear and he gets furious.
    Everything like dirty tissue or if my LO creates some mess, even for food, he will say - This is p-tty, (you do repeatedly)... eat p. blah blah..then he will also speak same in native which makes it worse on ears.

    I feel bad that now my daughter has started reacting to our fights and she gets scared.
    I am already under lot of stress for numerous reasons and he won't stop. I want him to go somewhere for couple days but he has no company which is why he had no civic sense. I am thinking to go to India for sometime for same reasons. But I have already decided not to have another kid.
    We live in small apartment and have to see each other all the time. Its not like he watches or does what ever he wants in an isolated room. Whatever he does, affects my daughter. Here I have stopped doing anything, any makeup so my daughter does not copy me. I do not go to gym or any time away because she will suffer. Him taking care of her, she will watch tv all the time. And he tells me, I am incapable of taking care of her and ignore her all the time. What about him glued to TV and ignoring her sitting next to TV screen burning her eyes.

    For everything thing, he will start shouting. Last night, in front of guests, I was putting more rice for him in his plate and also added curry w/o asking him thinking he might need curry too with extra rice. He started shouting. I felt so crying in front of them.
    Today, my LO cried that she does not want to wear brown shoes but pink. So he is telling okay, your brown shoes are p_tty, lets throw them in p_tty... lets flush them...repeatedly he used and uses p word, very casually. I stopped him and there was big drama.
    Sorry for the big rant ..but I am sick of this man.
     
    Last edited: Nov 14, 2016
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  2. Sapna56

    Sapna56 Bronze IL'ite

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    Are you working?
     
  3. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Do not cry, do not feel intimidated even in front of your guests. If he does a drama, you have to do it too. Crying is a sign of weakness. Argue back gently even in front of your guests. Slowly, you 'll gain confidence. Tell your guests about his use of foul language with kids. Do not let him take control of your kid as well, please. Think of the consequences and take action.
     
  4. KavithaUS

    KavithaUS Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Sanju, You have lot going on right now. Stressful new job with tiring long commute, Cranky kid etc.
    Could you crave out some 'me' time to gather energy and confidence? Then deal with your DH recharged.
     
  5. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Greetings,

    What I feel is instead of fixing the side effects you needs to look into the root cause whats wrong went with your relation. If you can able to find out why you dont like him and if there any sweet solution to solve that, its perfect.
    Once you success on that, most of the worries mentioned in the post can be erased.

    And the reg your daughter concerns, It looks the two cultures are collapsed in your home that makes you worry.

    Though we should follow some disciplines in our family, Once the kid is start schooling, things wont be in our control as you can do with your husband now. So think and well plan it now itself how you want bring up your child being in an another country and culture. There are so many moms around this forum who can help you better in that.
     
  6. preesmiles

    preesmiles Silver IL'ite

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    Hugs. We have kids the same age so I see your posts around and I can image how hard this situation must be. I don't have any words of wisdom to share, the only thing I can think of is when your husband starts picking a fight and using bad language in front of your child, to firmly ask him to stop and take your child and leave the room. You don't have to say anything else, you just show by your actions that his behavior is unacceptable in front of your child and you won't subject her to it. When people get angry like that engaging them in an argument at that time will only make matters worse. Also, maybe in the weekends, you can plan activities outside the house for your and your daughter?
    If he shouts at you in front of people, you hold your head up high and calmly reply back (like in the previous situation, you can tell him to serve himself if he is that particular). You don't have to be rude back, just polite and to the point. The fact that he lost his temper in front of people puts him in a bad light, not you. You have no reason to be embarrassed and when you act with dignity, it shifts the focus away from you and to the bad behavior. Just practice your responses and how to be calm ahead of time. I say this, because I would freeze in situations like this and I hate confrontation so practicing how to be assertive ahead of time has helped me. Hope things get better! Will keep you in my prayers :)
     
    blindpup10 likes this.
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Has it always been like this? Your relationship or is it a recent trend? Did you both love each other at one point? A lot of what’s going on in my mind is going to depend on this answer.


    Also, when my daughter was that age, we sent her to daycare. Financial aspect, is that a concern for you? Kids that age need to be around kids of the same age. Or at least that’s what has been told to me and its proving to be right. Can you put her in part time play school? What is your routine like? Why is he at home so much? Does he work from home?


    Getting a routine in place works wonders. At least half a day try to make a routine. A trip to the library or a trip to the park/ indoor play area etc.


    At that age kids like to make a few decisions. I didn’t understand the P word. Is it potty? Giving them a choice of what to wear and letting them decide gives them control over their life. Make it weather appropriate, pink shoes or blue? Long sleeves or short etc.
     
  8. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,

    He is not home all the time. He works but all this happens only on the weekends or weekday evenings. He watches too much to TV she she knows where to go. No hinderances on TV/tab/phone/cartoons/rhymes and infact he will quikly give her that as an easy way out.
    She is at home but I will send her to daycare soon. I was thinking as spring hits in couple months and she might be fully potty/pee trained. I take her out as much I can which is another bone of contention b/w us. He wants to stay at home and will object me taking her out reason being cold outside but real reason, he does not want to go himself and do not want to feel guilt. Then on weekends, we go out but after 1-2 hrs, he will start screaming to go home as he had to watch TV. But I take her out whenever I can. She is not easy to manage outside with me alone.
    My problems are - He does not watch his mouth in front of her, he does not care about tv/etc exposing in front of her. Other than that I do not care for him. We have had problems after LOs birth and I am fine with those. I do not want any compromise with him. He will bring his friend over the weekend and will drink/TV for long hours. I hate it as we have small house. I do not object his manly things but I hate my LO looking at all this. She will sit with them and watch TV. And now she has started rebellion and in front of him, she hates me.
    I ask him lets buy a house or bigger rental house so you can lock yourself in a separate room undisturbed but affordability is the issue right now.
     

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