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I am totally frustrated...pls advise me..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Amiablelady, Jan 17, 2012.

  1. Amiablelady

    Amiablelady New IL'ite

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    Hi All,

    I am a new member from Cochin.I thing i will get a correct answer from u people...

    Here is my story..

    I got married on 2008 and it was a love marriage after lots of struggles.Me and my husband belongs to different castes and it makes lots of issues for our marriage.At last with the blessings of our family we got married.

    But as i expected i didn't get care and love from my husband...I know he is loving me but he won't show that to me..He is reserved type and i am opposite to it..like all ladies i too expecting love and care from my hus..but am getting his blame always and this make me cry daily..

    Even though i am a working woman i am managing both office and home.And he won't help me even for shoping..Now and then he is balming that i have ruined his life and its really hurts me..i don't want anything except his love..i don't know why he is not showing that to me..

    Along with this am trying to concieve but nothing worked out...results showing that we both are perfectly fit..He came with me for consultation only 1 time...each and every time i used to go alone and it feels me hard..each and every time he is balming me for that too..evry day is painful for me ...i don't knw wat to do.. Now i feel guilty...coz of me he is upset...


    I can't share this problem to anyone...specially to my parents...they are thinking that am happy with him..

    Pls help me ladies...what i will do?...can i change his character some how?is their any special pooja for that..

    Thanks in advance...:drowning
     
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  2. passionate89

    passionate89 Platinum IL'ite

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    You are saying its a love marriage and you made the above statement. It is very confusing.

    Can you please tell us in detail for what action of yours he makes the below statement? So that it will be well understood for giving suggestions?

     
  3. Ankisen7

    Ankisen7 New IL'ite

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    You say he blames you but you have not mentioned for what does he blames you? if he blames you regarding household work then you do one thing stop working at home for two days and even stop cooking let him cook if he can and then if he screams then tell him thats exactly how you feel when you work both indoor and outdoor and he couldnt even manage for two days.................and even then if he doesnt understand then please lady open your eyes he is not introvert but insensitive and there is a great difference between being reserved and being insensitive.
    And if he continues blaming then just tel him one thing that you love him so much that u dont care whether he cares for you or blames you but you will continue loving him and if blaming you makes him feel better then its fine with you. trust me tell him this i am sure it will work
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2012
  4. Amiablelady

    Amiablelady New IL'ite

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    Hi Passionate89,

    Thank u so much for ur reply..yes ours is a love marriage....Before marriage also he was like this but bit more lovable...He won't talk much...even to me..Once he reaches home after office, either he will sit infront of laptop or used to talk to his friends over phone...mostly official matters...this irritate me very much..

    He won't help me to do any of house hold jobs...i can adjust with that, but he is always find my each and every mistake...i think he is expecting that i should do a work as per his wish...he used to instruct me for each and every work...and its make me more care..more over he is a perfectionist...If he won't find any mistake, then he will say that am always slow to finish any work..

    Till date he didn't give any positive comments for my cooking, dressing style or anything...always find some negatives...i don't know why he is like this.

    Before marriage itself i know about his character but had an optimistic perspective about our life...But now i don't knw wat to do??...and i am upset coz i don't have a baby...if a baby comes i think he will give me some more importance..
     
  5. Amiablelady

    Amiablelady New IL'ite

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    Hi dear,
    First of all a hug :) ...thank u so much for ur reply...he knows that am loving him a loot...even though he is doing like this...he is not ready to adjust with me...am always thinking about him..

    If i stops works defntly it will create a very big fight with us...he will shout at me...usually i won't shout at him..as i don't want to create a big fight...
     
  6. blessedgirl

    blessedgirl Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Amiable lady...

    Think positively dear...its ur life...u can fix this problem...pls talk to him in polite way...be more patient...try to understand wat he is expecting from u..

    all the best dear...
     
  7. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Lady,

    For a moment I saw myself in your posts... But it should be definitely before 3 years, that means during the initial days of our marriage.

    I too had a love marriage... Its also an inter religious/inter caste one... and with all the struggles finally we got married with the blessings of both parents.
    I too was working, and doing all the chores... He was so cold with his emotions before, and I didnt feel too bad about it as I knew he loved me with many of his actions before marriage. But after marriage, he became too cold, and somehow stopped loving me (he said it now). Hence he finds faults in each and everything. Behaved very negatively and like a bad boss. Commented so many irritating stuff about my dressing, look, cooking and sometimes about sex matters as well. That really affected my self esteem. He always wanted to boss, and so he always made me listen to him. Though he was at fault almost all the times, I just listened... Reason being

    1) I didnt want to break this marriage, coz I loved him so much and wanted him to change. Hoped that he will change soon. I always looked at him with a puppy eyes with an expectation of love and affection even after all the tantrums that he made against me.
    2) Since it was a love marriage, that too against the very advises of my parents/friends and colleagues, I felt ashamed to call for separation. I feared a fight or argument could lead for separation (even a temporary one), so refrained from expressing my points/rights/expectations.
    3) Basically I am a very strong person. I always been a model to my siblings and relatives in terms of all my acts (education, Independence, taking responsibility, career, promotions, discipline, character etc...etc..) and I hear many times that my neighbors and relatives advice their children to behave like me. In this scenario, I didnt want to be a bad example at all.. So, I kept quite about all the problems and prayed to God to make a miracle in my life. I actually feared that my people/society will name me as a bad person (like they do with other unfortunates) and all my good deeds will be erased soon. Also I hoped that these dark phase will be over soon, as the foundation of our marriage (that is love) was strong, hence I dont need to spoil my name for this temporary issues. I continued to be generous and supportive to my hubby.

    After a point, I really felt it is enough....and I cant take it anymore. There was a stage that my husband made me to stay at the road with my baby and having nothing in my hand.. But by that time I had almost 1 crore in our name as bank balance. I totally disappointed and understood my blinded love made me suffer now.

    That initial moment I stopped loving him... Stopped looking at him for his love, but stood for my own life. That time I had a baby in my hand and the little one's presence made both happiness and difficulties in my life during the time when I really wanted to build up.

    Ok... Do not expect that your husband will change after having a baby... No.. and not at all...
    Find the root cause for your problems and then take steps other than worrying and hoping.
    It is indeed your husband's fault that he stopped loving you and hurting you after having a love marriage... But there could be inner reasons that you are yet to be identified.
    In my case it is my MIL, who whispers in my husband's ears on a daily basis with so much dramas and that eventually made him stop loving me. Such an acts can not be written here, but they involves black magics and all...
    Therefore I let my husband to learn from his mistakes and let it to the God to get him back if it is the case of BM. But I stopped depending on him anymore, rather my growth made him to depend on me in life.

    My kid is a special gift to me... Who gave me all the hopes to stand firm and fight back for my life. I am getting all the love and affection from the little one, and so I dont feel empty now as before. So, Its definitely a plus in my case.

    But during the time I wanted to attend interviews, travel for job searching, and during the time of the absence of my maids, I had very very difficulties in protecting my kid with all my other professional responsibilities. It was indeed a tension, because I get zero support from my husband, but lots and lots of headaches from his side interms of baby rearing. Its definitely a difficulty, but for me its just a part of life... I didnt see it as a pain as my kid means a lot to me...

    Dont have a kid by hoping your husband will turn lovey dovey. It will be very difficult to face motherhood without any support from a father. But if you think that you need someone to have a life for you as your husband seems hopeless, then you can plan for a kid and move on in your life as you want (without taking your husband's activities into considerations). You are the right person to decide.
     
  8. spuppala

    spuppala Gold IL'ite

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    Hey dear,

    Cool..we shall think over it together...

    I guess he was worried a lot about children.He is not able to mentally afford that void in his life.Is he behaving like this from the beginning of your married life or only after knowing the troubles of you getting conceived?

    And you said it is a love marriage,How was his behaviour before marriage,Was he the same with you?
     
  9. dakshayaeni

    dakshayaeni Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with Tugga. Pls find out the cause of the problem and try to talk to him. With a baby, you are expected to be a super woman darling and which you cannot be, none of us could like that.

    If he is unwilling to talk, pls focus on your career rather than job. By marrying both the individuals agree to follow some social norms and be loving towards each other. But if one is not doing his part then the other needs to be focus on things that is more yielding financially, culturally and spiritually. Take care
     
  10. Tugga

    Tugga Silver IL'ite

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    Just to add one thing...

    Many posters will advice you to refrain from having a kid.. means bringing an innocent life into this mess... Be it whatever... I would just share this example of my cousins' and the decision is upto you.

    My cousin, who is 39 yrs now... She had a love marriage 17 yrs back to a person of different religion. Their marriage was just nothing less than a hell. Her MIL was the reason for all the issues, as she spoiled her son and his love by her acts/dramas (same like mine). Her husband behaved so harsh with her and she eventually lost all the love for him.

    Many advised her to bring a baby, so the MIL will change or the husband will feel you (she and the kid) as a family and will change. But she was stubborn that she wanted to fix the marriage first and then to go for children. She was only 22 then, so it wasnt a big deal...

    Time fled just like that, and she became 33 when her MIL passed away. Her husband eventually changed as there was no one to whine him then. But she found it hard to bring back all the lost love and affections then. But after a year or so, she too started behaving nice with him and then started their first ever TTC at the age of 34.

    For the first year, they gave it upto the God to give them a kid... The next year, they consulted a local doctor, and then to a doctor in the metro city... After a few years and after having all the check ups and surgeries, the doctors said it is too late to expect a positive result now as she is 39+. They also said, it would have been much easier to get a positive result if she is in her 20s. Its tooooo late though:(

    Today they are in terms, living under one roof without any problems, financially settled, no in laws interference, and they do love each other. But there is a vast emptiness in their life as they think that they lead a pointless life.

    While seeing the little ones of their siblings and relatives, they drop tears in their cheeks by thinking that they had wasted their life by solving their marital issues as it did solved on its own with time... But the baby didnt come when they wanted for...

    In another case, my aunt (who is 75 yrs now) got married at the age of 19 and had a son immediately. Unfortunately my uncle passed away when their son was just 9 months old. From that time onwards, my aunt single handedly brought her son up to a great position. She managed to give him all the comforts, happiness, and disciplined him too. She didnt have that emptiness though she is a widow because she lived her life for her son... Now her son is married and they are a happy family.

    It would have been better to have a nice spouse and to bring a baby there. But everyone is not blessed to have a happy married life.. Just because your spouse is bad, doesnt mean you need to lead an empty life (unless you decide to go for second marriage), but you still can manage to have a kid without your husband's support and remain happy forever. Just that you need financial (if you are earning thats fine) and moral support from other extended family or friends.
     

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