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I am the reason DH refuses to go back to India

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by DKI, Oct 31, 2014.

  1. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    OR - At least that was MIL's accusation last night when only the two of us were home alone.

    She knew that I had sworn to marry a guy who was settled in India (DH was there when we married), so when DH followed his dreams to come to the US, she was very sure that I would force him to go back home. That is what SHE did to FIL.

    She actually asked me yesterday why I did not force DH. Said that if I had refused to adjust when we came here, he would have been back in India. I told her that I understood the reason why he wanted to come to this country. He wanted to prove to everybody who had put him down through the years that he could make something big of his life. She refused to accept that I never wanted to stay here and said that I lied when I said we would be back in India in 3 years. That was what DH and I had thought when we came here...that the gig was for only 3 years.

    I finally told her that if I had insisted, what would have happened was that he would have remained here, and asked me to go back to India. Which I also told her was not my definition of marriage - 2 people in 2 countries.

    I finally told her to ask DH why he is not returning. She said I cannot because I always knew he wanted to be here even when he was in college.
     
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  2. desichica

    desichica Silver IL'ite

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    Just tell her that you have no intention of being an obstacle to your dh's dreams. (if that's true). If you dont like your dh staying in US, you need to tell him directly not your MIL. If she has issues with her son's decisions, she needs to go talk to him herself. Don't let her make you a sandwich between mother and son.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
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  3. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    Believe me I told her that. I told her that if I had forced him to go back to India, he would never have been happy. And I also told her that my happiness or lack of it was in my own hands. I could have spent the last 16 years crying and complaining, but that would not hurt anybody but me. So instead, I chose to accept it, and to find joy in it. After all, I am with my husband here, and because of this attitude of mine, we have a wonderful marriage for the most part. And over the years I know that he appreciates the sacrifices I have made, and also know that he has made a few of his own for our family.

    See....my FIL was in a different city when they got married. 4 months after marriage she got pregnant, went back to Chennai to her parents place and refused to go back. After that FIL got an offer to go with his company to Australia. She put her foot down then too. So she thought that I would do the same and force him to give up his dreams.
     
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  4. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    What I have understood from numerous threads posted in this forum ( including yours) is that MIL's only look for a reason to point fingers at their DIL's. For you its this, for rest its something else. But the crux remains the same. My MIL is a master in this blame game. She will put all the onus and responsibility on me for anything which she cant get done from her son. For instance,my DH is not that much attached to his relatives because of his past bad experiences with them. When we went native, my MIL insisted we both ( me and DH) go visit them. My DH refused strongly. She turned towards me and put the responsibility on me saying if DH doesn't visit them, all will blame me since its my duty to convince him and get things done from him. What she refuses to acknowledge is that her son is not a kid anymore...he will do only what he feels is right. I can request, plead..but not take him in my arms and carry like a kid.

    I suggest you tell DH to feed the right picture into your MIL's head. Let him explain to her that he is out there as per his wish, for his better future and not by force. Only he can clear her misconception
     
  5. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    See - MIL would never dare ask DH that. She has asked him to come back in the past and he has said no. More importantly, even when he was in college, his dream was to be in the US. I also told her that I was made aware of that fact by FIL only after the engagement...so told her that basically I was the one who was tricked. She was very quiet after that
     
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  6. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Share this issue with your DH..take him into confidence. If he is ready to stand by you, next time when he talks to his mom, let him express how happy he is being at US.. how great his career is going etc etc. Let him put it down to her that he has no plans to get back to India unless he accomplishes what he wants. But all these are subject to how supportive your DH is.

     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    You should have said..."yeah...unfortunately, I am not such a manipulative bitch".
    Tell her ..."I am married to my husband and his happiness is my priority ...not yours."
     
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  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Yeah..."yeh karwana tumhara farz hai ab"(getting it done is your responsibility now)
    :rotfl

    Yeah...don't stand up for yourself ......but stand up against your husband for what she wants......This way you fight her battle and spoil your relationship with husband.Ek teer se do shikaar.(literal translation...two hunts with one arrow)

    Yeah.....like dils don't have enough battles to fight already that they should take on theirs too.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
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  9. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    DEar OP,

    Why do you bother what MIL says? Like many MILs She will never ever take your side no matter how much you try.

    Does your husband think it is your fault? even if he does, is it ebcause you were truly uncomfortable when you were in their place? If you anserwered yes to the question above, dont worry about what others think.

    Dont try to convince anyone for expressing your feelings or defend yourself for your husbands decision.

    the more we get bothered by these thing the more your MIL will make you feel miserable.

    Next time, when she says anything in this regard, don't respond or say "yes I am the reason" sarcastically and let it go.
     
  10. DKI

    DKI Platinum IL'ite

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    YM -I kind of told her the same - in different words.

    I also have a feeling that this conversation came about after a huge fight a couple of weeks back during which he told her that she was so used to having her way in the house, that she never bothered about other people's happiness or how much stress she is giving others. Then FIL had an argument with her that she is never happy where ever she is, and that because of her he was forced to give up his job and return to Chennai.

    Maybe she thought all women were like her - manipulating others with fake tears and statements of dying (her favourite phrases usually start with "Just one time because who knows whether I will be alive....") First we would console her and guarantee her that she would live till 100. Now DH is fed up and just says if that is what you fear will happen, God will make sure he does not disappoint you.

    These past 6 months have been exhausting in every way. Only silver lining is that DH and I have become closer and he has been super supportive in everything I do.

    And Memeera - I'll tell DH this after they leave. Let him have a peaceful week else he will open his mouth and ask her something and we will have to deal with another round of drama.
     

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