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I Am Not Able To Forget My Exhusband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Happygirl6, Oct 27, 2019.

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  1. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    @Happygirl6 Please read this solid gold response from @madras2018 over and over again. This is what you need to do . Wish you the best ! You will be fine. Don’t define your life based on two unhappy marriages.

    @madras2018 I am not sure I have seen you on IL recently. You come back with this perfect response ! Welcome back !

    “Pull up your big girl underpants and get on with your life “


    I will replay this in my head when things are tough ! Thank you.

     
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  2. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi Manisha,

    thanks for the compliments. yeah, i was away for the last year or so. I'm back for a bit now :)
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV Finest Post Winner

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    I am sorry OP for being blunt. But sometimes bitter medicines cure the most serious illness than the sweet syrups.
    So, kindly swallow this hard pill, and I am sure you will be better after this reality check.

    I had a cousin, whose life was very similar to yours. So, from whatever the information that I know, I could share my perspectives here.

    She had an arranged marriage to a reasonably good guy. But she lacked the most needed patience and tolerance when they started their new life. She was too arrogant, and abusive.
    Perhaps her reasons were OK, but that's not what a new husband expects from his new wife at that early stage.

    It was an arranged marriage, so they both barely knew each other. And unfortunately their marriage started off with problems, and tears.
    There were places where this girl could have adjusted, accepted, and better tolerated her man. These are in fact, investments in a marriage. You can enjoy the fruits of such investments later on.
    Though he adjusted, but that didn't work. Hence he decided to end the marriage.
    He gave so much signals, but my cousin was too immature to understand them then. One day, he ghosted her & left.

    She did not worry much, but moved on with life. Felt so much hardship in the marriage market while entering second marriage. Her parents somehow found a OK type guy this time, who was a divorcee with a baggage.
    This time, though she behaved maturely with lots of patience and tolerance, it was too much for her to adjust with this new guy.
    Again, their marriage came to an end in an ugly way.

    She is only 34, and everyone in her family is busy with their respective families and kids. So are her friends and colleagues.
    They all had hard times in their marriage earlier, but not anymore. So, she only see the rosy couples, and their sweet kids, while she is all alone by herself.
    This loneliness makes her wander around for a companion. Unfortunately, in our society it is not easy to hook up with someone for a marriage for 3rd time.
    All the men who show interest are actually interested for one night stands only. She is a pakka traditional woman, and she doesn't expect all these.

    Now that, she realizes her mistakes, goes back to the past and understands what a foolishness to lose a gem of a character for smaller adjustments. Yup, she goes back to him, and now a days she is obsessed about him.

    Her case sounds similar, right?

    She went on to seek counselling, and you know what... the counselor identified her actual problem.
    Yes, she is not in love with her ex. She is not obsessed with him. But she is in love with marriage. She is obsessed about getting married and living a peaceful married life like her peers.
    Since no one comes to her as a marriage partner, her mind goes back to that only person who shared a beautiful relationship with her in the past.
    She now wants that back, hence stalks him...

    With counselling, and change of location she is now better. I also suggest the same for you.

    And for those who read this thread and this reply, I suggest you all the same!
    Kindly think million times before ending your marriage for simple reasons
     
  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Warning - Longish post.
    First of all, anyone who has ever been married will know that throwing things, shouting, arguing doesn't necessarily lead to a divorce. It leads to a divorce when the other party in the marriage, is not capable of handling this type of conflict. I say this because, across cultures, there have been many angry wives throwing the family china around, and not that many divorces as a direct result of it.

    Second, you wonder what other option he had but to ghost her. I wonder what on earth he did (or did not do) that lead to things escalating to such a level ! He probably denied her the loving attention she needed in the marriage, maybe was cold to her emotional needs, causing her to act out more and more, which was actually a cry for help and attention. Childish it might seem, but we are all children.

    Lastly, I simply cannot excuse ghosting in a marriage. Sorry, simply not done. If you started a marriage with all formalities, then have the decency to end it with grace stating your decision (by text, letter, email, face to face, whatever means) instead of disappearing due to your fear of conflict. (And yes, one can disappear if they are being nagged after breaking up). That said, the sequence of events leads me to believe that EX #1 seems to have communicated disinterest in continuing the marriage so it may not be ghosting at all. But i'll let it pass - dont want to hurt the OP furthur.

    Generally speaking, i'm addressing an observation across many posts on this thread which is along the lines of blaming the OP for her divorces. I urge people to have a more empathetic view especially if they themselves have not been divorced (2nd hand view of a divorce does not count!). Yes, the OP has admitted to some of her mis-steps. But there is a lot that the OP has not disclosed - esp what her ex didnt fulfil that led to her breakdown like that. Women tend to overplay their part in the demise of their relationships, blaming themselves excessively while minimising the man's mistakes. Society also has not helped when, like as seen in several posts of this thread, hinting as her father did to something along the lines of "no wonder he left you!". Let's not confuse unhelpful judgmental attitude with tough-love. Women can internalise these negative messages, putting more obstacles in their healing.

    My note the OP - Please read:

    Dear poster - today i came across a note by Lori Gottlieb that says "The way we narrate our lives ends up shaping what they become."

    How profound ! You heard a sad and cautionary tale from SGBV about someone like you who lived to regret her ways. She is now on the mend but a sad singleton watching world go by.

    Let me reframe that story for you via a friend's story similar to yours - My friend is THRICE-married. First married at 24 to her college sweetheart but both were stupid with youthful immaturity. They made several blunders that pushed just the right buttons causing the man to ask for a divorce. The man was not perfect either - he had a huge ego, chauvinistic with an inferiority complex. Then the woman let her father choose her 2nd husband who married her for her US Citizenship. The irony was - by then she had matured into a 35 y/o woman, growing from her divorce and needed a man who matched her maturity. Sadly coupled with a primitive minded husband #2 who assaulted and humiliated her, she asked for a divorce. After much tears, she eventually grew from this experience also - blooming to be a woman who learnt more about herself, and breaking the society-imposed & self-imposed good-girl mould to a woman who owned who and what she was, and what she needed in a partner. She got a therapist who helped her make this progress. Then she found her fantastic current husband and it's been happily ever after.

    Please view your life as a sequence of learning experiences, forgiving yourself and finding means to grow from each. Observe the patterns but don't excessively blame or hate yourself for it - even if everyone around you suggests that. Transformation into the symbolic beautiful swan is easier when one's life story is seen through such a lens.

    You did not make a mistake. Youthful immaturity, your lack and your ex's lack of previous relationship experiences, insufficient exposure to good conflict management techniques in general, caused the fractures in your previous marriages. Somehow you think being an "obedient daughter" and a 'victim" entitles you to a happy ending. Social messaging also creates that expectation. Actually LIFE owes you NOTHING. You need to be in the driver's seat of your life to get the change you desire (and even then there isn't a guarantee that your wishes will be fulfilled). Please write down your life story as a serious of growth steps instead of a series of mistakes. You don't need to 'punish' yourself or atone for your "sins". With the right man, i am sure you will be less provoked to throw a hissy fit and the right man (and woman) will also know how to de-escalate a situation before it tests the relationship. At the same time, please learn the skills to fulfil your 50% of your relationship duties, to become the "right woman" to attract such a "right man". Rest will fall in place.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2019
  5. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    True. I have never seen a couple without arguments or fights. Ofcourse the intensity varies. But finding the root cause for those triggers are essential.
    I feel he was really immature for not discussing before ending the relationship no matter what.
     
  6. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    This one :clap2:
     
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  7. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    @madras2018 Welcome back to the forum and you came with a bang..What a thought provoking post. OP please read the response from @madras2018 . It has everything you need to get out of this trauma. Let the universe bless you with true love
     
  8. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    I


    Hi. You said so simply that" No wonder he left you". First of all let me clarify when i went to see him by taking leave, i dont know that he was remarried. One more thing i am very clear in my head that i am just going to see him at a distance and i am not disturbing his life. That is the reason i wore a hijab. This might sound silly but yes, I have been ghosted by him and i havent seen him for so long. I just wanted to see him once for the last time in my life and come out of this. Now after coming to know that he is remarried i dont want to do it as i have my own moral values/ethics. I havent contacted him after knowing that he is married.

    So, when some one ghosts you - Is it wrong to go their places where ever they go to know the reason " why they ghosted us" ( I am still his wife). Can you even imagine the pain it causes to a person? I agree I was immature by fighting with him and now at this age i wouldnt have done that. Sometimes if the other person doesnt express what he/she is feeling then how do we know that our behaviour is wrong ? We think its fine. I saw my parents arguing , fighting and then patching up almost every month for simple reasons.

    Promising for better behaviour doesnt mean that the person will never learn better behaviour and only people do it to escape the situation. I did promise him heartfully and asked him some time to show him how much i am repenting after he left. Running back of his car and falling on his feet was done long time ago when i was his wife. Yes, i did fall on his feet - Do you think its easy to fall on some one else feet and cry ? do you know what pain could that women had undergone to do that ? If some one ghosts you without telling any reason it is a common curiosity to know why you have been ghosted. He must have told me how he felt with me atleast once and that he is thinking of divorce. I would have not opened my mouth in my life if i had known that he had such feeling on me. Just imagine being grown in parents house you tend to show the same behaviour in initial days of marriage thinking that its acceptable. Once you come to know that you have nothing else in hand it would be the horrible feeling of life.
     
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  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    @madras2018 Welcome back! Always a pleasure to see your posts. Your posts, point of view, articulateness and pithy, no-fluff, front-the-heart advice are missed when you are not around.

    I have already said all that I had to say on this in my previous post in this thread and this one in Relationship banter thread. It was not ghosting.
    "It leads to a divorce when the other party in the marriage is not capable of handling this type of conflict" where "this" is "throwing things, shouting, arguing etc." I disagree with this assignment of blame. A more in-depth discussion around it is not possible from me right now.

    What you say with a "may" I am saying more definitely.

    Other than saying that the ex#1 did not ghost her, I am totally in agreement with all that you have written.
     
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  10. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Happygirl, "One has to wonder what option he had other than what is being called ghosting" is quite different from "No wonder he left you." Isn't it? I did not say or imply "No wonder he left you."

    Extending the discussion on what/why of ghosting, was it ghosting, is not of help to you.

    madras2018 has some invaluable insights and suggestions which I hope you will take to heart.
     
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