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I Am Not Able To Forget My Exhusband

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by Happygirl6, Oct 27, 2019.

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  1. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Is this really true ? I have never heard of this. I get so many friend suggestions - many are sourced from my emails - whoever I exchanged emails and if the other party has a FB account on that mail id, they get suggested.
     
  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes tats how FB works. If you constantly stalk the other person he/she gets suggestion.
     
  3. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi. Sorry for the confusion. Unfortunately i was married twice and both ended up in divorce. This guy didnt abuse me physically. You saw the post regarding the 2nd guy. This guy was helpful to me in household work and other activities whenever needed. The way he ghosted me is horrible that no one can ever imagine of. I dont want to think off the second guy because from the day 2 it was torture asking for divorce every day. He use to take medications for his illness. I couldn't even have a word with him. I was a servant maid to him.The abuse is so bad that when i brought gifts for him he use to be so disinterested and asked me where should i keep these gifts. I almost forgot the 1st guy and entered into another relationship but when i was treated badly and tortured physically and mentally i couldn't bear anymore.

    One day when i was going through hell of torture with this guy and unintentionally i opened facebook and saw all the messages which we had and to my surprise felt good after reading those messages. I was thinking in my mind when one guy is physically abusing me and talking low about my body an other person loved me and liked me a lot. I use to comfort myself by looking at those message whenever i was low and felt very happy about it. I cannot even explain you how comforting those messages are when i went through the abuse.It started off as a relief for me and then soon became an addiction. I forgot all the hardships which i faced through this guy by ghosting me and started liking him again.This whole stalking started from at that time and it grew so badly that i wanted to go to his place by taking one week off just to see him from a distance. I couldnt see him and came to know that he is remarried now. I dont know if the comparison made me to think that he is better as he is good with me in accommodating my needs atleast when he was there .
     
  4. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Sorry for the confusion. I have shared my story above.
     
  5. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Yes, I wanted to see a therapist asap. I dont think i can come out of this alone. I am trying to but its very difficult.
    I am not sure if a therapist would give me medications as i am not interested in taking those and wanted to heal naturally. Any suggestion on which type of therapist is better for these problems?
     
    EightKittens likes this.
  6. Happygirl6

    Happygirl6 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you so much.. You read my heart out which i couldn't all these days. Yes, it was a shock of my life even today when i think about it. Ghosting is the worst thing you can do to a person. If he had really loved me he wouldn't have ghosted like that. I saw him one day after he ghosted me after a great effort. I cried , pleaded him very badly that i wont repeat any of the things which i did in anger ( arguing, shouting and throwing things in anger) and I will make sure he is comfortable.I even touched his feet saying that i am very young in life ,not that matured and if i did any mistake please forgive me. I also told him to see for 10 days or 20 days and if he still feels the same then leave. He told me that i am acting just because my parents told me to do so. After that he dint reply anything back even though i wanted to know his decision. He told me he is very irritated and havent decided anything and asked me to leave the country. I left the country according to him but he didnt turn up in India even after lot of messages and calls by everyone. Then finally i came back to US but still his heart didnt change. Finally he sent me a divorce notice.
     
  7. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    I highly recommend you stay clear of relationships for a year or so. Reinvent yourself. I don’t know about you but that’s the best part of any breakup I enjoy - I turn into a new person externally and to an extent internally too. Actually we all are constantly changing - some of us faster than others. Be badass about it, stop thinking about both the losers you married, lose some weight, get a whole new look and wardrobe, learn to wear make up, learn some new skill, dress sexy, fix your thought process and baggage, embrace self improvement techniques, travel solo and find a guy after you have found your confidence back. Also keep your dad at a safe distance away from your personal life. Find your next man on your own. Pull up your big girl underpants and get on with your life.

     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2019
    Mistt, Shreema86, Sunshine04 and 2 others like this.
  8. EightKittens

    EightKittens Silver IL'ite

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    Therapists usually don't prescribe medications. Psychiatrists do (medical doctors with MD or Ph.D degrees as opposed to therapists who might have PsychD or LSCW or LMSW degrees. People with MDs and Ph.Ds also offer talk therapy, and not always medication exclusively). There's lot of variety in the field, and I honestly am not that conversant with it. You can google some of these things for your own area and learn more about them first to build up your confidence and understand what you'd be getting yourself into. See some videos on youtube to get a preliminary idea. But most importantly, with therapy you decide who you want to work with and what you want to work on as much as the therapist. Many times the first few therapists that you see might not be the right fit for you.

    You can choose to see only older female therapists or someone from South East Asia if that option is available to you, because they might be more familiar with the cultural norms of what you are dealing with. You might be more comfortable in sharing intimate details with them right away. Or you might want to go with a white male because they will not understand the cultural expectations. And in having to explain all the cultural nuances to them you will be forced to confront all the weirdness and craziness that you have wasted your life on in the name of culture and respect.

    Finally, your therapist might eventually encourage you to see a psychiatrist to get on medication if they think it might help your recovery, but at every stage of therapy, you have the ultimate control. If you don't want to take medication, you can state that clearly. They will respect your choice. They are not going to force you to take medication. You are an adult. What do you think they could possibly do? Even if they write you a prescription, you don't have to fill it or take the medication. Having said that, the progress you make through therapy is also up to you once you find that therapist who is the right fit for you.

    But I do, highly, highly, encourage you to get yourself in therapy. For your own sake. So that you can live your best life.
     
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  9. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    You know the solution already.
    Why should you bother about a person who has no feelings towards you ?

    It may take some time to heal yourself.
    But don’t take any bad decisions.
    Restart your life.
    Think that you were never married and still single.
    Make good friends.
    Do something which you like the most.
    Clear all those messages.
    Get away from social media I know it’s difficult.
    Move away from all the things which reminds you of the past.
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

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    You admit to arguing, shouting and throwing things in anger. Those are things that can make some people decide to end a marriage. Would you have taken well to a simple declaration from him that he'd like a divorce? No. The pleading, falling on his feet, asking to get a time of 20 days to show improvement in performance (like in a job), running after his moving car, show that your reaction to his "I want a divorce" would be drama he'd want to avoid. What you still think of as simple fights were to him a deal breaker.

    Five years after the divorce, and after having remarried and divorced again, you did things like: call him and not take the hint when he chose not to respond, took leave for one week, wore a hijab and stalked him near his house and office.

    You are living an independent life and have a job but in bad shape internally and emotionally. One can hope you will find the professional resources you need and the personal strength it will take to slowly come out of this and inch towards a more confident you. But, going by your actions since your first divorce and five years after it, I wouldn't accuse your first ex of ghosting you before the divorce. One has to wonder what option he had other than what is being called ghosting.

    If the genders were reversed, and a man had done the arguing, shouting, throwing things, promising better behavior, falling on feet, run after the woman's moving car, called her after she has remarried, worn a burqa and stalked her outside her office and house after she has remarried, we wouldn't be telling the man that he had been ghosted.

    I was once part of a group of people who helped a young woman decide for a divorce and go through the process. Somewhat similar -- her husband used to argue, shout, have bursts of anger, throw things like her handbag around the room. The argument her husband and some of her in-laws had was that these things take time, both will mature and settle into the marriage, and "it is not as if he is hitting her." From our side, we responded that "throwing things around" is not normal and is not acceptable to throw the woman's handbag at the door just as she is reaching for it to leave for work. The man tried to contact the woman and convince her to rethink the divorce decision. She was in no shape by then to do more than go to work 9-5 and simple exist day to day. Other than "Don't make me go back to that house" she didn't say much. So, with the help of neighbors, friends and colleagues, she effectively avoided him till the divorce proceedings crawled along and it got finalized.
     
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