I Am Loosing My Confidence And Everythign Since My Marriage

Rose03 · Nov 15, 2016

Hi ,

I have been married for 4 years and we both are not compatible since day1 . we both were very happy during the marriage courtship( the period between after the engagement and before the marriage)

Basically we are from upper middle class family and had lost my father couple of months before my marriage got fixed. we are 4 sibblings having 3 girls and a boy , complete responsibility on my mom shoulders me being eldest.

my husband family had lied about my husbands education and got me married. though i knew about it never asked after the marriage until one fine day where I could not tolerate for what he and his family were doing to me and my family .

though i knew about his education until marriage, I felt whatever god gives should accept. we both were very happy. my husband family is not so financially settled rather they live in policy of dont think about tomorrow live in and enjoy fullest to the present by spending what ever they have . tomorrow again earn and spend. no saving policy. and when there is a boy he has to spend for for the entire family members including extended family members( aunts uncles and their kids) all his life, my husband dedicated his life to his aunt and their kids..

this i never knew , people like him would exist or family like my husband side would exist, where his mother would never care about her kids dedicating herself her sisters and kids and so my husband's sisters. among them one got married ( love marriage) and elder did not get marry .

after marriage i got to know they got married to me because of money , my husband also got married to me because of his aunt. he kept on saying after marriage( which he didnt say untill marriage) are you good looking, why should i get married to you .( though he lied his education , he is very dark , never cared about it, thought god gave me ) but later they troubled my family as well. which i could not take it raised my voice among them . then we had a baby which was unplanned .

god grace I am happy today because of my daughter . my husband keeps travelling on his work and hardly stay with us in a month ( probably 10 days) . may be he is habituated.

even now all his family members( aunts , sisters and parents) want him to give first importance to them .. they dont care about me at all.. although its arranged marriage. even when they call never ask about me at all.. i asked my husband does ur family has samskar atleast ?

my family although my husband and his family did a lot, my mother is so caring and loving to everyone in doing when the son in law comes home .

his family members want me to bow my head to them always , which i seriously dont want to do . not becauase they worthy .

his aunt from village, we brought up with high respect in the soceity my father and grand father had great respect in the soceity . I told my husband never expect me to bend for others who are not worthy .just becuase you guys have been slave to them because your parents could not take care of you well ( they neither gave education to kids , nor teach savings or how to live life, all they taight is serving the family and aunt ( village female) and kids).

now always i feel like single parent, i have done savings( he was 0 before marriage) with my brother and mom help done property now.now he says i have property ..

not sure whether all the husbnads revela salary, till date i do not know his salary . although he says magic number twice i feel he is lying . because after marriage ( not sure i was so buddu or innocent ) he said his salary lower then what he was getting it later from his friends wife got to know, when i checked his offer later was suprised. not sure why he lied.

even after marriage I was pregnant he was lying his salary which i did not know , i work and used to pay every thing believing his words later got to know what he said was lie.

one incident which broke my heart was , after 2 years of marriage I was telling his family members he is not responsible he is careless. his mother said I will talk his aunt ( their home every decision will be taken by her, though their kids are all 39 to 40 yrs. my husband is 36 yrs and i am 30 yrs )
when i was speaking his aunt, she said " yeah he told me 2 days ago that he needs a divorce later me and uncle realized your relationship is not good"
the thing is he never told this to them she created it ( bitch , have to use this ), because me and husband were good those days am sure he didnt tell. ok i cried to myself later forgot and then she said , some how we lied got you married , saying make 100 lies to get one marriage happen.

later when i came to my husband ( we both stay abroad) and said did u tell this to ur aunty and ur aunt said that they lied ang got married , this guy said ( DH) my aunt said lied , oh no ...
( he always wants to keep her in top place , never want to degrade her down) and said yes i told her that i need divorce. i was heart broken.. how would one girl feel when the DH goes says to their family
i knew he didnt say but he want to win his AUNT.. not thinking about his wife, how would she feel when she knows this ..

If i did anything ( without my knowledge) like getting things or inviting his family members for sisters marriage function ( they hardly visit , all his family members) only hid parents come for one time , later he tells me some reasons.. i let it go

his family members gave the photo collage on which his parents my husband and my daughter would be i will never be in the picture . that we have to keep it on display cabinet. does not he feel my wife would get hurted ?

does he feel , she is doing everything alone in foreign country working and manging kid and everything , wheere I am njoying by travelling .

all my friends ask me dont you feel bore in life ( got married when I was 26 ) , since then living lonely life ( where he keeps travelling always) , i used tell him , i get bored living lonely, this is aftermarriage and after the baby ( where I had left my daughter at my mothers place) becuase he could not manage financially taking care of baby here, i had to work for financial support .
when i was telling him i cant stay lonly, he said my family memebrs said " u r jealous of me travelling , thats you complaint " what should i tell this to these kind of boys
i stayed away from my daughter for one year. now we both united. i am so happy with her taking care of her , all time busy . again doing as a single parent

i am an engg graduate and ambitious girl, he did his 10th std + ITI he sayd he did B.C.A correspondence for the sake of certificate ( while during marriage they said M.C.A)
how can I tell to these kind of guy

does he understand what i am going thru ?
are all the boys like this?

all i knew is he loved his family too much , everything to him , why people like him should get married ?
should I divorce him and live my life ?

YoGirl · Nov 15, 2016

Dear OP,

People will toss you around and make you a doormat unless YOU STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.

I understand that life is difficult with a travelling husband. May be he found only this job(with his non-grad qualification) or he wants to maintain peace for sometime by not being there at home. May be he is able to save some money afterall. For most of the times, even if husband is at home, emotional distance becomes soo much that we dont feel that there is another person in the house.

You said that you have good educational qualification and that you are ambitious and I hope you are working. If you still have time at hand, get to some hobbies.

About your H involving his aunts in decision making, show him that you can take decisions too. dont agree to the decisions made my them. Tell him that he is a man and that he can think for himself. Dirty politics and lies are played in families too. Become smart and grow out of them(and not get sponged into them) and show that you can manage yourself. I can smell jealousy from his aunts for you and ur H. So, make them even more jealous of your bond with H.

guesshoo · Nov 15, 2016

You need to put everything aside and ensure your self esteem is at a great level. take stock of the situation - how educated/ ambitious you are, how much you earn, how you parent your child, how you manage by yourself etc.

How much value does your husband add in your and your child's life? not just monetarily but emotionally too. What's his lack of rwspct all about? Big question to ask yourself - do you need this?

If not, communicate to him - brush up your communication skills so you can convey what you wish from life in an effective and diplomatic manner. you will have to decide there on based on how much he is willing to work on your marriage.

Note that you can't change anyone else. only yourself.

Rose03 · Nov 24, 2016

Thanks a lot Yogirl and guesshoo for your replies.

Yes I have to stand for my self and involve in hobbies. yes I have to brush up my communication skills and handle people tactfully and communicating diplomatically.

Yes I am working. yes you are right he may think this job is only one for his non-grad qualification.

You girls are Awesome..
I stay abroad and I work from morning untill late night ( due to heavy work) and coming home taking care of the baby though i have a helper.

not sure if some men are like this. my DH is just knows how to enjoy the life. do not think about future savings ,teaching daughter and upgrading himself in things. he is always on FB.
it on my shoulders to teach her things ,managing property and taking care of the home and everything.. i feel he is lucky sometimes ( 0 responsibilities) he likes travelling because he meets different people and stay at luxuty hotels and having scrumptious food.
he is least bothered to take me

anyway yes we have to stand for ourself. otherwise one day we will regret and if we turn back there will be only cribbing

bruised234 · Nov 24, 2016

Rose03,

I think I already read your past post once and told you. How you deal with problems in life defines you. If you want to make a mountain out of mole-hill then your problems will become big. Your in-laws/husband's relatives will never give you importance, that is given. But they will expect out of you, that is also given. Please don't criticize your husband in front of his parents/relatives because they will use it to advantage - like his aunt did, she wanted to put you down. Sorry to say this, but this is how every man is. Even if he was like a slave to you, you would be unhappy as long as you carry the resentment that he is less educated than you. Don't compare with others because you cannot see what problems they have in their houses. Every household has an issue, there is no person who does not have challenges in life. You be happy for your married life, things always come at a cost, nothing comes free in life. Don't ever be unhappy that he is uneducated, if he is educated, you would still have had the same issues. Then his relatives would have been 10 times worse. As long as you have a roof over head, a family and a husband - loving or not, be happy. As long as he is not beating you, abusing you, making a slave out of you, be happy. It is not really great if the husband is educated - you did not bother to check his educational background before marriage, you thought he works overseas he has to be highly educated - didn't you?. If you did not care then, how can you do it now? Just be happy with your situation, happiness is something one has to find within oneself, not in others. Just think about the plight of those women who are periodically mentally and physically abused, who cannot complain because if they do, they will have to see much worse in life - you are not in that category, just be happy for that. Be happy that everyday is not about how you have to spend the day without rousing the anger in your husband, how you can deal with temper tantrums and expectations, how to live like a normal human being, worry-free and having a good night's sleep, without not having to swallow insults and pretending to be happy. Be happy that you are not accused of being lazy, incompetent and hence deserving of all the abuse and indifference and about having to keep up with other women in the husband's circle because "all of them are in some way or the other better than you" and because the husband is highly educated.

rajatsingh · Nov 26, 2016

Rose03 said: ↑

Hi ,

should I divorce him and live my life ?
Click to expand...

No.

Saying it after going through the entire first post slowly and carefully.

Rose03 · Nov 30, 2016

thanks for your suggestions. I look at my life how confident ad graceful i was before marraige like having lot of friends, all friends used to say she can manage anything in life and use to be veryhappy and smiling except the groom hunting and marriage bug from parents pressure.

now everything got changed .. sometimes i hate arranged marriages.. pl read my other post which i am posting soon .. sorry for it..

my husband says he changed a lot. he admit his mistakes and but he is very good at managing people. all his friends are foreigners they say he is very positive and energetic.

anyway lets accept and move on .. at the end of the i want to lead a happy life.. no more venting..