I am guilty!

Priya16 · Jan 31, 2012

Dear,

I just have to ask one thing.How does a person get respect who is abusing for years????I don't get it :bonk

when I was growing,I would only listen to anyone which make sense to me.It doesn't matter wether they are elder or younger.

But after marraige,I got into some of these issue where husband expect him to respect him no matter how his behaviour is.
I just don't get it.:bonk

you give him respect because he is your husband or because you love him????

Ibehindcurtain · Jan 31, 2012

Ganaraya said: ↑

you did nothing wrong for which you should feel guilty. most indian women are conditioned from childhood to accept their husbands no matter how wrongly they behave. why?

i admire you for sticking up for yourself, for taking the time to explain to your son the reasoning behind your words. he is growing up to be a man. don't let his father's treatment of you become the model for his behavior towards his future wife. i can understand you have constraints that compel you to stay in this marriage. but keep your dignity intact.

tell him you want to talk to him. no anger, no old accusations. have a heart to heart with your husband. share your thoughts about being a team in this marriage. about building a happy and secure home life for the children, what is the use of all this fighting, does he want to grow old bitter and alone? or create a bond now, that will mature and evolve with time. tell him to really think about this. leave the room. at best, it may compel him to reevaluate how he has conducted his life so far and if he can change. at worst, his mind remains closed and the status quo remains unchanged.
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Wowww! Thank you very much for the new insight, Ganaraya. I would certainly love to do that. I would long to speak this to him. Would it be okay to wait for some days showing no concern from me and make him realize what he may lose? Should I wait till that stage to speak these words?

Your words are appreciated. Please let me know if I may miss any benefit of speaking this instantly.

justlife · Jan 31, 2012

Dear Ibehindcurtain, All said and done, whether sorry or not, the fact still reamins that you are in a lot of pain, because of your husband, who does not acknowledge you enough. I take it that this is your main complain about him. My question to you is why do you have to ask for his acknowledgments. Why do you do anything that he is not going to appreciate? If you do it, then do it only if it is going to make you feel happy, do not put your happiness in his hands. Why do you only feel happy when he says thankyou for doing something.
Trust me I have gone through a lot of emotional abuse, but eventually I found out that, I can put this abuse to an end by just plain ignoring it. By not looking at him for his appreciation, not only frees me from his neglect, I have actually noticed that it makes him very uncomfortable that I do not want that from him anymore.

Ibehindcurtain · Jan 31, 2012

Priya16 said: ↑

Dear,

I just have to ask one thing.How does a person get respect who is abusing for years????I don't get it :bonk

when I was growing,I would only listen to anyone which make sense to me.It doesn't matter wether they are elder or younger.

But after marraige,I got into some of these issue where husband expect him to respect him no matter how his behaviour is.
I just don't get it.:bonk

you give him respect because he is your husband or because you love him????
Click to expand...

Dear Priya,

You are right. It is very important that the right to earn respect should go to one who does have the thoughts, words or deeds that make high sense.

It is not only because he is my husband and I love him that makes me respect him. More than that, he is the father of my kids. And I want to foster my kids in the environment where they learn that it is our culture where the elders and relationship are respected regardless of any imperfection.

I wanted to do this especially as we are far from our country and I want the children to remember our culture and be proud for we are Indian coming from such a nice culture. However, I doubt every thing that I have been thinking till now as I did not get reward for my thoughts, words or deeds so far. I am bit annoyed sometimes even to think on Krishna's philosophy of "Focus on action and leave 'result' on me". I may be found weird with my such explanation. Sorry.

Priya16 · Jan 31, 2012

Would it be okay to wait for some days showing no concern from me and make him realize what he may lose
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Dear,

I feel you are something.Because you still have very loving heart.

This is what I know and how I feel.When servant comes to our house to work,servant is always inferior and owner is always superior.That's what atleast 80% population feel about servants.

When we get this kind of person,the husband always feel he is superior and treat wife as inderior and he will give all these treatment to wife.Because he never feels you are his love and part of his life.He always see you as person where you have no survival and you have to live with his support.

I may be wrong but that's what are my feelings.

If yo give some cold treatment,whatever he feels is temporary and he will bounce back to his temper in no time.

So I would suggest look inside of you and make yourself better instead of thinking about him and wasting your time.Become a role model to your kids ,stand on your own legs and dare to speak up and don't feel guilty.

Today you are worried that where you need to go.Next time when the same situation comes,you should have answers with you.Don't think about your husband much.There is nothing you can change much.

They have infinte ego and they failed to see what they are missing in this life.You can speak and do everything but don't raise your expecations.Use your energy to make your life better.

I just wrote whatever came to my mind.

Ibehindcurtain · Jan 31, 2012

justlife said: ↑

Dear Ibehindcurtain, All said and done, whether sorry or not, the fact still reamins that you are in a lot of pain, because of your husband, who does not acknowledge you enough. I take it that this is your main complain about him. My question to you is why do you have to ask for his acknowledgments. Why do you do anything that he is not going to appreciate? If you do it, then do it only if it is going to make you feel happy, do not put your happiness in his hands. Why do you only feel happy when he says thankyou for doing something.
Trust me I have gone through a lot of emotional abuse, but eventually I found out that, I can put this abuse to an end by just plain ignoring it. By not looking at him for his appreciation, not only frees me from his neglect, I have actually noticed that it makes him very uncomfortable that I do not want that from him anymore.
Click to expand...

Dear Justlife. How right you are! It is strange, isn't it that I have been seeking to be evaluated from his eyes. Thank you for this thought provoking feedback. I would certainly try to be proactive and focus on what I want to do and whether it is something that I enjoy to do. Thank you dear.

Priya16 · Jan 31, 2012

It is not only because he is my husband and I love him that makes me respect him. More than that, he is the father of my kids. And I want to foster my kids in the environment where they learn that it is our culture where the elders and relationship are respected regardless of any imperfection.
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This is very intersting for me to hear.Not sure how many people think that way though.

I feel kids-they develop there own feeling irresepective what we do as husband and wife.I am telling because of my own experience.My mother used to lot of things about my father.But we never beleive about it and we have very high respect for my father.
So even though you give lot of respect,once they understood that he is not treating the same way,they have there own feelings and they may not tell you and they may not at this stage.But each own have there own mind.

At the same time,I am not asking you to disrespect him before the kids.You came to his online forum and feeling very bad about the respect and all those.So imagine how much you have inside of you.That's what I amaged about it.

But only thing I can tell ,if you suffering and your son experincing all those,he will have lot of pain inside of him.
Is there anyway can you avoid those fights before your son?

Ibehindcurtain · Jan 31, 2012

Priya16 said: ↑

Dear,

I feel you are something.Because you still have very loving heart.

This is what I know and how I feel.When servant comes to our house to work,servant is always inferior and owner is always superior.That's what atleast 80% population feel about servants.

When we get this kind of person,the husband always feel he is superior and treat wife as inderior and he will give all these treatment to wife.Because he never feels you are his love and part of his life.He always see you as person where you have no survival and you have to live with his support.

I may be wrong but that's what are my feelings.

If yo give some cold treatment,whatever he feels is temporary and he will bounce back to his temper in no time.

So I would suggest look inside of you and make yourself better instead of thinking about him and wasting your time.Become a role model to your kids ,stand on your own legs and dare to speak up and don't feel guilty.

Today you are worried that where you need to go.Next time when the same situation comes,you should have answers with you.Don't think about your husband much.There is nothing you can change much.

They have infinte ego and they failed to see what they are missing in this life.You can speak and do everything but don't raise your expecations.Use your energy to make your life better.

I just wrote whatever came to my mind.
Click to expand...

Thank you dear. You are very much correct that I should muster my energy for my kids and myself. I should focus on my life. Your mind has certainly gave the creative outcome that I would like to ponder over. Thank you, dear.

Ibehindcurtain · Jan 31, 2012

The day went okay and not okay today.

He did not eat anything at home and I too managed to 'not to bother his this behavior' however, it was really difficult for me to have the lunch for I was deeply worried that what he would be having it for lunch!

I wanted to call him and ask him if he have had anything to eat but I liked to be firm.

I spent most of my time in knowing more about the cars.

Apart from that, I spent my time in job searching.

The day is almost finished. It is now, I would start managing the household.

I am able to keep myself diverted from the biting issue by doing something that would be developmental for me. However, getting a job may not be easy. When one has a car, it is bit easier though as most of the employers like to have the employee with car.

In the morning, I was feeling good as I finished one business yesterday by 'not tolerating his abuse' and carrying forward my grief and anger on the next day.

As the evening is progressing now, I am feeling worried about my DH and I doubt if I am wrong anywhere by not bothering whether he have had the food or not.

In the past, if he is angry, he would not take the lunch box with him and I would follow him till his office and hand over the lunch-box to him. I have not become heartless now but I speak to myself that 'if he wishes to choose not to take lunch-box with him, so be it'.

satchitananda · Jan 31, 2012

Hi IBC,

Don't worry, you are certainly not doing anything wrong.

'if he wishes to choose not to take lunch-box with him, so be it'.
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Absolutely right. He is not a helpless infant. Be assured he will get something in the canteen for himself. Let him suit himself.

I know, since this has not been your innate nature or your behaviour till date, it will be difficult for you. But one has to start somewhere. You are on the right path. Keep going.