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i am failing as a mother

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by hotchillipepper, May 26, 2014.

  1. hotchillipepper

    hotchillipepper Gold IL'ite

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    My DD loves me more then anything in this whole world. Her father has not been with us either because of his travel or sickness. My father has been very close to her too but he was infrequent visitor. So she has had consistent relationship only with me. I try to do as much as i can to her but now i have reached a point of saturation of motherhood. i am hardly alone. am not being able to do things which i want to do. Sometime i even send her to see TV :_(. I have started loosing patience with her. She whines when we get her ready for the school. She behaves just like other kids but i am not able to cope up now. I have started blabbering (just like my mother :_( ) even when she is around. I hate this so much. I know i am not doing justice with her but i i just dont have strength. she just sings mommy mommy for everything she needs. I hate to admit that sometimes the mommy word sounds like hammer. I am not a great cook but i try to be innovative for her and when she dislikes something i get hugely disappointed. Sometimes she doesnt even understand why is mom angry. This tears my heart when i see the confusion in her eyes and i cant explain to her why i am upset. sometimes i just say that i am missing papa. and then she comes over and hugs me and gives me kisses making me even more guilty. i dont know what did i do to deserve so much love. i am just making it complicated for my innocent child. Please God give me strength and forgive me for being me.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
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  2. seekingbless

    seekingbless Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear hotchillipepper,
    Big hugs to u. Parenting is not easy especially when u're doing it alone.
    Try to more easy on the routines and schedules. develope a carefree attitude and concentrate only on ur dd. spend time with her with books or going out for walk for movies.
    google for more easy kids recipe and involve ur dd in cooking so that she will be interested to eat it.
    are u working? is there anyone to help with household chores? hire a cleaner to help u with that. how old is ur dd?
     
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  3. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Hotchillipepper

    I truly understand.. I am the same some days.. I get really frustrated even when some days I cant go to the toilet peacefully without her banging on the door.. I get the advice that this too shall pass..

    You are doing a wonderful job; hang in there; try to calm down and talk to her in a low voice.. I have found out that when I shout, DD becomes even more fierce..

    Laughter therapy always works! If she does fights for something like refusing to change diaper/dress.. I just sit down and say xx Come here, and just play hide and seek with the dress.. and smile.. She will come herself!

    But I know its not possible for every single work and all the time.. Try to achieve a balance..
     
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  4. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    I hear you hotchillypepper.

    From your post, the frustration is not with your little girl but with the lack of me time.

    Some work is must do everyday, some are not and can be done every alternate day. Some can be done only by you like playing with your daughter, some can be given to others like ironing. Some household chores, even your daughter can participate and help you.

    Take one day off, sit down and make a list of all the things you do in a day. Put them in the above mentioned categories. Actually, you and your daughter both can sit down and work on this list, making it a fun time.

    Once you categorize the work, it will be easier for you to cope with. Doing all this along with your daughter will help you both bond better. She will also appreciate the effort you are putting for her and the house. Dont hesitate to take help, either from your daughter or outside.

    We are not super women to do everything, even though we try to be ;-)
     
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  5. AprilLisa

    AprilLisa Gold IL'ite

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    Dear hotchillipepper,

    Relax!! and let go. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You don't need to do everything to the T, nobody is perfect. NOBODY, period! So its OK if you are not, once in a while.

    If you need some me time to bring yourself back to sanity, which everyone does, and you have no one around and you need to send your child to watch some TV or play with your phone, or taking pictures on your phone camera, or making mess in your kitchen, its OK. You just need to keep them busy in a way where they will learn something or the other or improve their co-ordination skills. And steal some time for yourself. Once you have relaxed, you can handle other problems, more peacefully. Children needs a lot of patience to be handled properly, but they too need some discipline, if they don't behave as expected. So be firm on what you want her to do, and don't feel guilty about it. Like you want her to get dressed for school, which needs to happen within a certain time, else she will be late to school. So make it clear to her that you have 10 or 15 mins time to dress up, no mater what, you have to do it everyday. Tell her when she co-operates with you, you feel happy and if she doesn't you get irritated and sad, which makes you shout at her, or whatever. Let her know what you feel and why you feel so. They will learn. When they see us how we handle our emotions, they too will learn to handle theirs in a proper way. But if we keep hiding our emotions, they also will not learn.

    My son takes great pleasure in making me run after him, in the whole house. I mostly tell my son, mumma will get you ready, if you co-operate fine, else you can do it yourself, and let me know when you need some help, i am doing xxxx while you get ready.And this works!! After few mins he will be back, mumma please help me get ready or please do this, i am not able to do it. This way i am not on his head to hurry up and also can get some work done in parallel, he also learns how to do it, and feels a sense of pride, that he did this or that on his own...both parties happy :)

    I feel, you are doing just fine. Only thing is you are being to hard on yourself. Its OK if you can't do something this day. Its OK, if your kid didn't like what you cooked, give her some milk or fruit instead. Its OK, if you let her watch some TV for a day to get some me time(unless you make it a practice). Its OK, if you shouted at her one day, you too are human. All of us face these things, don't take them too seriously.
     
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  6. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh dear, hugs o you. I totally get it when you say you have to do everything on your own. Many a time, I also feel hot and lose my temper. From where I see, it appears like you are frustrated at the lack of time for yourself. I dont even remember when was the last time I went for a facial (i am doing it a home itself). I get it...

    My DD is like yours in a way. She wants momma all the time. Sometimes its frustrating as she has room full of toys and shelf full of books within reach but she still wants me. But what I realized is, she doesnt need me to play with her but she needs me to involve her and stay with her while she is doing her thing. I have moved many of her big toys towards the kitchen area so that she can be close to me while I am doing things.

    You didnt mention her age. Is she at an age where she is capable of dressing up on her own to school? If yes, I agree with PP. Keeping deadlines will work.

    Let me assure you, I also send her to watch TV at times. Even after knowing all the evils of screen time, I do that just to make sure I get everything done so that we can head out to the park or play in the yard etc. Of course its not the best way to go about it but when you know you can spend quality time without being irritable only after you get things done, I see why TV can be a life saver.

    Another thing is, you need some time to really do nothing. All-Inclusive resorts type. Is there anyway your DH can take 3-4 days off and you guys can get to go to a vacation? I think that will recharge your batteries.

    Another thing to remember is, make her feel involved in what you are doing. That helps me immensely. Even if you are pulling the weeds in the yard, you can pull the weed and ask her to put that in the weed bin. You can buy some chalk and ask her to draw on the sidewalk while you do the gardening...basically keeping her close. Not sure if it helped...

    Seriously, all-inclusive resort at this point will help you a lot.
     
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  7. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Op...we have all been there. Everyone of us probably wanted someone to just take the kids away for a few hrs and leave us alone. You are doing a great job...mostly alone.And you are not lying when you say you are missing her papa.....It's not easy when you feel lonely and want that bear hug really bad. Cut yourself some slack.

    I used to relax by giving my girls my hair to style. They would comb my hair and then decorate my head like a Christmas tree with all their clips and ribbons. Their little hands were very relaxing.Find some relaxing activity with her. Tell her to massage your head or feet and then reward her with some thing special that she likes to eat.
     
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  8. han412

    han412 Gold IL'ite

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    You are a Great Mom.
    Repeat this everyday. Everytime you feel frustrated.
    It is just a matter of space and a lack of time for yourself. This phase too will not last in some years time you will have time to yourself too. And yes you deserve the love.
     
    Last edited: May 26, 2014
  9. saps105

    saps105 Gold IL'ite

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    I totally understand how you are feeling coz i too go through very often. I keep losing patience with because of the lack of me time.Have some time for yourself. After she goes to school go out with your friends. Or are your parents nearby who can take care of her fora few hours.

    Why not arrange something with kids her age where she can go to her friends house or her friend coming over for a few hours. You may have friends with kids her age. arrange something that mommies can have some fun time and kids have some fun time of their own over the weekend or holidays. If she is old enough why dont let her join some drawing or any kind of hobby classes or any summer camps if the vacations are going on.

    Evry mother goes through this. You are trying your best as a mother but you are also entitled to some 'me' time. Definitely not a failure. There are many who go through this
    ,parenting is not an easy job esp if you have to manage on your own
     
  10. hotchillipepper

    hotchillipepper Gold IL'ite

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    First of all a big thank you to all of you for supporting me in this phase of weakness. Yes I have been overwhelmed by the big job of raising the child. I used to be so critical about my own mom about few imperfections I believed she had (blabbering, and few others) and only when I became a mother I realized how much patient she has been with all of us. And even today I only seek help from my parents whereas they raised us without help from their elders. Yes I really need to develop a carefree attitude. This is something I really need to work on. I don’t mind the mess in house ( I am myself not a very good home maker). I let her play wherever she wants with almost whatever she can, as long as its not dangerous. She is a very sensitive child and gets upset even when I raise my voice. So I try not to. I heard once that whenever child behaves in a manner which you don’t approve off then first of all remember who is an adult and keep that in mind while addressing the issue. I try to remember that whenever I get short fuse. But you know there are times when I raise my voice or doesn’t show excitement about some repetitive achievement. I cant see her crying. I know when she is really crying or just getting attention. Yesterday her teacher told me that she cried for half hour when I left her in school. She really cried. I know. I feel responsible for the problems she faces. I feel I have missed something somewhere that problem didn’t resolve. She choose me to be her mother and I feel a great sense of responsibility of making her journey easy for her. She is 3.5 year old. I agree that I need to plan my day ahead. I need to find time for myself also. I went to parlor only once 6 months. I should better go today itself. I need to learn how to slowly disengage myself when she is engrossed in her play. I really love the idea of head massages with tiny fingers. I can only imagine how relaxing it would be :). My sister is so chilled out in raising her kids. She has triple the burden I have and quadruple health issues still she doesn’t get panic attacks like me. I will start afresh this time. Thank you all once again for being there for me hugsmiley
     
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