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Husbands taking care of kids and wife pursuing her career far away

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vaidehi71, Aug 31, 2015.

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  1. divyapnair

    divyapnair New IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I was in same situation few months back. I had to travel abroad as part of my job.
    Initially I was reluctant to do that as I have a 5 year old kid. DH encouraged me to go with the opportunity as he thought it would be a good exposure to me and suggested that if my work demands me to be there for long, he will join me after my kid's academic year is completed. My parents did not approve of it as they believed it would affect the child. I even did a trail run, by sending my daughter to my parent's house for 2 weeks to see how she manages. Kids adapt quickly. Things worked out well. My in-laws had no opinion. They were ok with whatever we decided. Hence I travelled.
    My husband's job demands him to be in office for long hours. My mom and my MIL took turns to stay with my DH and our DD. Initial 3 months were fine.
    Parallely, I had started processing their visas so that after the academic year, they can join me. But things became hard after that. My MIL who was highly diabetic had to be hospitalized for few weeks. My grandma had an operation same time, so my mom had to be with her. This left my DH and DD alone. initially he arranged a maid who would take care of DD after her school till he arrives from office. He used to get up early, cook for the day, make DD ready for school, make her do homework, play with her etc.
    I had to wait for 1.5 more months for them to join me. He tried his best but could not continue the routine for long. Though he did not complain, I knew he was frustrated and drained. I gave a heads up to my managers saying that I might have to travel back. Finally one day, DH called and said he is very low and wants me to come back as soon as possible. It was like, forget 1.5 months, they can't even stay 1 week alone. I booked my tickets back. There was lots of escalations in office for my travel back suddenly. I don't blame them as it was me who accepted the offer and leaving it in half way. I feel guilty too doing it.
    But when I landed back, I could see the relief in my DH's face. They managed for 5 months without me.
     
  2. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for fb and discussing your personal situation
    I had been in that situation though it was reverse. I was working as well taking care of my kids. I was also abroad at that time and had no continuous support from relaties. But I had a maid. I left my job because I felt that the kids were definitely showing signs ( they were younger than your kid) of being away from their dad. So I quit and joined him. When they are young they do need attention and I had not been working until the moment when they are more or less settled academically here. During that time I did the exams and so forth that would be required to rejoin my career. By that time I had made sure what I required with respect to the kids schools academically had been done and I joined back workforce. Here even at school level they have academic exams ( which are pretty hard) to enter into gifted and talented schools. Both myself and kids were very busy always for nearly three years studying. For those who feel that it is difficult to pursue studies with kids, I have done it and I have seen so many in field doing it with a lot of success and able to manage career as well as look after family. Their perseverance is amazing.

    Glad to know that you did what is required in this situation and all the best for you.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. bhuvnidhi

    bhuvnidhi IL Hall of Fame

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    Vaidehi ,

    I have couple of friends like that.Hubby takes care of the kids .Husband's mother also stays with them.And they help in wife's assignment also.I would say they are extremely lucky as they have got good mother-in-law as well.

    But most of the men (and even women) folks around there think that children are solely wife's responsibility.And helping them pursue their dream is a big NO-NO.
     
    sindmani and vaidehi71 like this.
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for sharing
    Glad to hear that there are husbands as well as MILs who are doing it to help both the son and DIL. I know a few who are abroad and the kids ( as young as few months old) who are taken care of by ILs. The FIL goes to US and takes care of the kid followed by MIL and followed by the girls parents. Meanwhile the DIL is happy and working in a different state in US and visits her dh and kid when time permits. It is happening in my relative circle and they are happy as they (IL) are contributing for the son's family. They also get the bonding with the grandkid. Ofcourse they are the really lucky DILs.

    But as you also said the attitude of most of both women and men are alike when the responsibility of taking care of kids is concerned. Infact it was one of my male colleague who was telling rubbish that the husbands will have infidelity and so on.

    Atleast we should be able to think positively. We need this because our and future generation will most likely be settled overseas and will have the name tag of Indian origin and will definitely have different views compared to older generation. So in future when they grow up they are unlikely to cater to our taste with their family lives. When we become MIL we should never be horrified to see our dear sons allowing their wives to pursue their career elsewhere. We should be able to accept that. These and many more westernised issues will be coming up and it is going to be a lot more common for our generation in future. We have to change and if not our sons/daughters will think that our thoughts are obsolete which we holding onto.
     
    GeetaKashyap, sindmani and bhuvnidhi like this.
  5. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @vaidehi71 - One shaastanga namaskaram for what you do! kneesmiley One time one of my
    kids fell very ill. I had to go running to the ER with a child who was so sick that I called my dh who was transiting through another country to get home. As soon as he hung up, he had to board a 17 hrs flight home. He got to sit on the info that I'm in the hospital in the middle of the night with two kids, one very ill and with docs having no idea about what was wrong. I would never in a million years trade places with my dh. Dealing with kids and stress on a day to day basis without him around is so much better than what he has to go through day in and day out. There are weeks where he will come
    back from a long flight, pick up my sleeping son and cuddle him without moving and waking him up for an entire hour. He tells me how guilty he feels not being around more often all the time. I have immense respect for any parent who steps out of the house and come back and then the time he/she is away does a million things that even the stay at home parent doesn't do. You people don't stop being parents because you are away, don't let anyone make you feel that way.
     
  6. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks for sharing your experience.
    I too feel guilty so many times, but we as couple do as much as possible so that the kids don't feel that they are neglected and understand us.

    In fact I was SAHM for more than 7 years. It is really hard on my part to be separated from kids and I do it for the sake of my family and pray to God that I finish whatever I have started, successfully. Thank God we are in the same country, if situation arises and I am needed, I have the flexibility to temporarily quit and join my family and later on pursue the career out again. So that is one reason which is helpful. And I am only four hours flight away. Anytime I am needed urgently I will fly to them and will never compromise on the situation.

    I have to plan my trip in advance, once the flight is booked the count down starts and both me and dh will be counting weeks and then days about when we would be seeing each other. I try to do n number of things whilst with them, thinking ahead about cooking and making sure that all the groceries are updated, what to buy to make dh to his lessen his cooking burden and so many. In short I would be very very busy and I will think ahead to sort things. I also make sure that I am around with kids during their school holidays as I can spend more time with kids rather than on school days. I wasn't even thinking much about these things when I was working and staying with my family.
     
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  7. iyerviji

    iyerviji IL Hall of Fame

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    Vaidehi dear though I had seen this thread earlier never read and today got the opportunity to read you thread, the feedbacks and your thought provoking replies. You and your husband are really great. Should appreciate your husband for allowing you to go abroad . Can understand in what situation you had to go. Your children are also understanding. You and your husband are made for each other and have good understanding.

    When a man stays abroad people say something but we can manage. Like now my son is abroad since two years but he comes to India once in a month and he has to go on tour also to other countries. His wife is here , earlier she also decided to go abroad and stay with him but since he was not there she started doing MBA and came 2nd. So she got a good job with a high post and good salary so she is here. But some relatives keep saying why she is here , should leave the job and go there then only they will have children. If they are away how theywill have children. All this only I have to hear because they cant talk to them. They dont think its their lives and their decision. They dont see the other problems which only the couple know.

    When a man stays abroad if people are talking then can understand how people will talk when women stay abroad especially when they have chidlren and husband has to look after them. You both are well planned and have made the children also understand, though now you have to struggle when you come back you will have a bright future. Can understand how much tension you will be having and plannings you have to do well in advance and also look after yourself and your job. Only sleeping time you must be free from thinking. Hats off to you and your husband dear and all the best for you to come back and have a bright future
     
    GeetaKashyap, sindmani and vaidehi71 like this.
  8. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    Mami,

    Thanks a lot for liking my thread.
    This one was written just to find other people views, not that it was going to change my point of view. I am certain with regards to how it would work for me and how I want it to be and was just thinking about how broad minded people were in this regard. But to be frank only few responses were there and I am glad for whoever took the effort to reply to this thread. I am also aware about people who were busy to post but would have just read it.

    You had given good reply with personal experience in your daughter's life as well.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Mami, Thanks for nominating for finest thread. I now feel embarassed, I for one just write things as I think.
    I don't have this habit of looking or analyzing the things before writings. I type what my mind thinks at that instance. That's all.

    Thanks for giving likes to all my responses.
    Vaidehi
     
  9. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    @iyerviji

    Mami,

    One more thing, my dh and my family are in Australia only, I am far away in the same continent in a different place. I just re read and I found that you have misunderstood that my dh and family were in India. No they are here only. I have moved to a remote area for my career sake and will moving around for a while till I finish it.

    Just the distance separating us, nothing else, we are one by soul.

    Thanks,
    Vaidehi
     
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  10. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Vaidehi,
    Life is one big compromise. You cannot have the best of everything. Every act has a consequence. If the family scene is such that the husband and wife love each other dearly and there are no financial implications, then it would not be better to compromise and go for a long distance relationship. It is upto the couple who are in the situation. Is this whole arrangement worth it? Is it worth more than the time spent together as a couple? Time once lost will not come back. If you were to ask this question to a guy, 99% would say no. I used to wonder often before marriage - why should that be a problem? Now I know better. If the husband is a loyal, nice person, then it is better to be with them rather than stay apart - it could lead to a lot of complications, life is not always about making money, even if it is, is it worth the risk of letting a person want to seek somebody else' affection, if they are not the type, then is it good to take advantage of their good behavior? A couple are meant to stay together, not apart. Increasing the distance in most cases, will only lead to complications, which is not good. If however, the situation warrants a compromise of the type you are describing and there is no choice, then there is not much that can be done. But in general, it is not a good idea to stay apart from one's spouse especially for such a long time. It is better to not create a problem, then trying to solve it later.
     
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