1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Husbands taking care of kids and wife pursuing her career far away

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by vaidehi71, Aug 31, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for fb.
    It is real life scenario. Whether I am involved or others doesn't matter, as the answer will be the same. But it is real and there are so many people who are doing this and the husbands are taking care of kids. There are only a few from the subcontinent ( I meant origin), but there are many from other countries who are doing this for the sake of family. And there is growing number of husbands from subcontinent who are willing to help with the progress of wife's career.

    There is currently another op who was asking about her problem and wishes to join her dh. The answers for that atleast mostly were on the basis that the dh earns less, has more expenses when family goes over to join him etc. I did not have time to read all replies. But the general trend was that. Even when the op was asking about the effect it would have on the kid there was not much discussion on that.

    But when it comes to wife and her career wishes there is lots of suggestions about kids having to go through stress and negative remarks ( I have seen in other thread replies). Is this because we are so much not looking at the bigger picture of girls career and progress and the society's concept that it is fine for the guys to leave family for the sake of employment. This has mostly to do with the girls finding satisfaction in their life and their career, let alone the monetary side. We right royally say find a job to so many girls here, but how many are able to find jobs where their husband is around. In this generation of highly competitive job market, the girls who already would have a long career gap would definitely not be able to find job near where dh and family lives. But we also say the girl is wasting all her hard education and being a house wife when even if the wife wishes to go away, there comes the discussion of how to look after the kids. Doesn't the dh have an equal role to play here to support the wife? That's my question and also we cannot presume the effects on the kids always negatively.

    If asked to MIL obviously they would say that the wives are making their dear sons suffer and he had to cook, take care of kids etc. But when the same son leaves the wife and kids to go abroad and earn and succeed in his career the same MIL would say that her son is working so hard for his wife and his children but the DIL doesn't understand it( ennoda paiyan maadatum ozhaikiran, evalukku athellam puriyathu).
    Never does the talk arise in that case that the kids would be hurt, stressed or abandoned because the father isn't around.

    Just a thread to find how the attitude in general regarding this issue is.
    I have my own thoughts on this situation and I am asking what would others approach and answers.
     
  2. swt.charu

    swt.charu Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    931
    Likes Received:
    1,349
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    It all depends how you deal with the situation as a team rather than one person dealing with all the emotions (emotions of kids and grown up kids)

    The scenario you have explained happens all the time in Phillippines...

    Please see this link for an interesting statistics and views on fathers raising young kids

    https://www.fatherhood.gov/content/dad-stats

    We adults conveniently point fingers at the young ones to cover our own insecurities and inabilities.

    Kids adapt to any environment very easily as long as they feel protected and loved.

    It depends on how you communicate things and prepare them for it...
     
    sindmani and vaidehi71 like this.
  3. mukuganga

    mukuganga New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Gender:
    Female
    even as a woman i stuck to the general attitude. after seeing ur perception only i got a different angle. Nice thought OP. As u said MILs will always have that kind of thoughts. They wont support DILs if they left kids n proceed their careers.
     
    sindmani and vaidehi71 like this.
  4. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    @swt.charu and @mukuganga
    Thanks.
    These perceptions would have to change if the girl has to climb the career ladder.
    Most of the girls because of marriage and later on with kids will definitely have a career gap.
    Then the girls don't join work force as the kid is too little, by that time they would have another kid and so the journey of being house wife will be prolonged. Then comes the picture that we would have to wait until they go to school and so the career gap widens and the so does the chance of landing a job.

    If the girl is passionate about what she had studied and would really like to work and feel satisfied psychologically why can't she do so and why is so hard to think positively for her sake. Mostly this situation will arise among many girls lives and the decision would have been made according to the couples wishes.

    My question is that the society's attitude has to change to make that change feasible to all. There would not be a problem if the couples have a good relationship and able to discuss it with kids. This more so will be easy when abroad because the kids see other race people and are aware of the circumstances revolving family. There is also positive aspects because when they see the dad working as well as cooking and take care of them while young, they too will be able to adjust after marriage as adults. They wouldn't have the feeling that the household chores are entirely for the women. Everyone of us girls feel and definitely would be happy with the dh helping us, won't we? Howelse the kids( boys) learn but by seeing it in real life? Is it one positive point. Moreover the kids are being taught how to cook in schools here. These aspects are because the school teaches them on how to approach the adult life and not just the academic side.
     
    GeetaKashyap and sindmani like this.
  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,915
    Likes Received:
    7,175
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    One of my pet peeves here as well..that the FBs largely depend on the gender/DIL/MIL status of the poster. But such is real life too..in any case my $0.02
    Long distance marriage with or without kids is not for every one.
    Sometimes the distance and the sacrifices have made the marriage stronger but I have also seen cases where it suffers.
    Here is what I would do take it one day at a time and see if we can pull through..at the first signs of strain... be ready to make that call.
     
    sindmani and vaidehi71 like this.
  6. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    That's true. I had given up my career a good one abroad for the sake of the kids and their need to be with their father, the right age for bonding and also for the sake of being with dh. It's my own decision and never forced onto me by my dh or others. I saw the kids attitude change even at the tender age of toddlers and preschool and so quit job without even discussing with dh. So sudden, even though my parents were around with me at that time, they knew it only after my resignation as I did not discuss it with them. My resignation was solely based on my decision and circumstances. For anyone feeling that the kids(toddlers and preschool) is fine and it's ok to be away, I feel it does affect them psychologically. After all the main growth of the brain occurs in younger age group after that it is mainly the growth of knowledge. I was in a long distance relationship then for dh sake for more than a year and I could understand him and I took care of the kids. I let him pursue his career and I was fine with it. So when I have a chance to pursue my career would it not be reasonable to except the same understanding from partner?

    But when the kids are growing up ( I am saying growing up bec the growth never stops until they reach an adult) and after certain age why can't the husbands help with the wives career. I am not saying that is the problem in my life. I have a good understanding relationship with my dh, so I am not talking about my problems here. My dh will do that for me if situation arises, so its not a problem at all. I am just showing some incidences to point out what I am thinking. But I am asking the fb in general, because if we girls can't understand then no point in blaming the partners, they would never understand it .

    I know a person who did her exams for pursuing her career whilst her son was studying uni in US. That is sometimes very rare, buy she did it because she migrated later in life to that place. She did pass her exams ( I meant really tough exams).
     
  7. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    I have seen quiet a lot of them and they are pretty good in managing the family and their kids.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    10,505
    Likes Received:
    18,709
    Trophy Points:
    538
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Vaidehi,

    The best thing for the resident spouse is to emulate what most women who are left with kids while men pursue their career overseas in Gulf or other countries:

    1) Keep talking about the sacrifices made by the mother for the welfare of the kids and the family with kids

    2) Give that extra attention to the kids and keep reassuring them that there will be time when everyone will be together and these days would pass soon

    3) Assure the spouse working far away that everything would be fine so that they can concentrate at work with great peace of mind

    4) Make sure that the resident spouse (husband) and kids speak regularly with the spouse pursuing career far away through Skype so that they get to see each other

    5) Ensure the time spent together 4-5 times a year is wisely spent so that the kids can recall those memories during the absence of the mother

    6) The husband should ensure that he spends time with the children when they are sick and requires personal attention

    7) The husband should pay a lot of attention to the details with regard to the children to ensure that they are behaving well and help them in their learning regularly

    8) Explain the need for the mother to be working away to build a nice nest for the family so that the kids don't view that as mere pursuing of the career instead of viewing that as sacrifice for the family

    9) Train the children to take a few responsibilities on their own as they grow up to take care of themselves without the help from the parents

    10) Spend the weekends and holidays with the children so that they don't miss their mother.

    If my wife were to work far away from me, I would have certainly encouraged her to do so while taking care of my son. She did it for me when I was traveling internationally so frequently. There can't be two separate rules for a man and wife.

    Viswa
     
  9. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks Viswa.
    I really appreciate whatever you have written.
    A very nice feedback, My dh is like you as I have the freedom to do so.
    For all the ILs who would be wondering why this thread, actually it is my scenario and the situation is true and I am happily pursuing my career with the help of dh and my kids support.
    So it is possible and it can be done, but we need to take the first step.
    Viswa Sir, I will catch up later, my job is requiring me now.Thanks
     
    sindmani and Viswamitra like this.
  10. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,421
    Likes Received:
    3,176
    Trophy Points:
    335
    Gender:
    Female
    @Viswamitra
    Thanks Viswa Sir,

    I was in a hurry in the morning. Could not reply in detail.

    I have read all your suggestions and advice and though we do follow some, I would make a point to do others as well. Even if you had not written feedback I pretty much know that you would definitely allow your wife to pursue her career if situation arose. All your posts show that you would do so.

    The reason I have posted this thread is not because I have a problem. We as family had decided and I had been doing this for a while. There are plenty of negative remarks mainly among the subcontinent people. I had a senior colleague who even told me that my dh would find another girl and so forth. I just smiled and brushed his remarks away and did not answer. I have complete faith in my dh and it is vice versa. If there has to infidelity it can occur even with partner around, not necessarily separated. Just because others are talking rubbish doesn't mean I have to answer them and make my personal life to be discussed with them. It is a courtesy and we just tell them, that's all.

    Whereas the other racial people ( no offence) are non judgemental. Never do they make personal comments and never do they make negative remarks. They understand the situation and are non judgemental and will never dig into personal life. They also understand that if the spouse is leaving family regardless of gender, they allow it and view it as part of their family life and move on with their work. Whereas from our place they make judgements such as why do the female have to go to work and pursue her interests when the male is working and why are the girls making such decisions etc. I am not hurt by such comments, I am matured enough to just ignore them.

    We never know until we do. Benefits happens, a lot. For example myself and dh never make small issues bigger, never talk about the past, never do we fight or show our anger. We talk just about our kids and our life, that's all. Infact our relationship is much stronger than before because I understand the sacrifice he is making and he understands my position that I am missing my family etc. Words can't tell the feelings we have. It is a very positive step and it has strengthened my relationship. My kids inspite of being with their dad will call me for simple things as well. Well when there are some kids fight ( I mean sibling rivalry) I would get the phone first and I would mediate them then and there. Any illness I would know and I will suggest the advice and I would talk to the doctor and discuss issues. Well the telecommunication has helped in all these aspects. So it does give me the liberty to pursue my career and it does give insight that it is pausible. There are so many things I can go on writing.

    We have suggested some ILs temporary separation if marital discord, where the entire situation is tumultuous to the persons, but still we advice basically because we feel that the separation might help those people to understand and get together again without going to permanent separation. Here the scenario is that of temporary separation but without any marital discord and definitely for the family well being in and agreeable for the spouse happiness and advancement in her career. Why then has it to be so different while thinking about it? That's my opinion and that's why I posted. I did not want to write that it is my scenario because I don't have problem with this situation, but I found that others were particularly inquisitive about whether it is my scenario, any how I have cleared their doubts.

    I find that there needs more awareness to this issue that's all. Thanks again for coming by and giving such a wonderful feedback, which would be very helpful and also as an eyeopener for anyone who would wish to proceed like that.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page