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husbands behaviour changes when mil is there

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by kenny, Oct 12, 2011.

  1. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    hi ladies...
    i dont know if any one else faces this or it is just me...my hubby is the one and only son and is a BIG MOMMA'S BOY:bonk....MIL takes advantage of it in every way and he also pampers her mom so much...
    See i am not against it that he should not love or pamper his mom but what hurts me is that he behaves sometimes like i am not even existing in the same room....he wlll talk to her only...and look at her only while talking only...all important things are spoken to her only...only if i intervene then he tels me...and then forgets whom he told....and later say''i told u naa''...but actualy he forgets that he has told everything to his mom...
    His mom is one diplomaic woman....who doesnt do any household chore except sitting like a queen..and just creating rifts between us....i feel like a maid...who is not discussed with anything...
    But i would like to say that this was done only initial time in my mariage...later on i handled things and he became better...Mil keeps going to my sil who is in a different city....this time had gone for her delivery...so spent 3.5 months there....Now the time when my mil is not around...my hubby is like a gem...very loving,caring,very understanding....we hardly fight ad have a very good understanding....but i am surprised at how he changes when she comes into picture...and i am a very sensitive person...i feel i am always secondary....its been 4 yrs of my marriage now...at least expected things to be better...though they were but offlate since she is back he again is sticking to her like anythng...and my mil enjoys it ...we r just 3 in the house-she is widow.....mil doesnt speak a word to me except critcising me...i am really fed up of al this ****...sometimes feel like running away...have become a high bp patient because of it...often and on i get episodes of high bp...worst is i cant share out anything with my dh...coz his mom is like an angel to him and he cant hear anythng against her...but dear ladies...what do u suggest in such a situation...i feel low most of the times...even i want love,i want importance...y cant he understand this...we even r planning to buy a house...in which is says that he wants me to contribute some amount from my savings...though not much...2-3 lakhs...but he is on the same time saying tha he will most likely take it as a joint name with his mom...which is really disturbing me...tomorrow if anythng wrong happens...where will i go...mil as it is rude to me...why cant he think for his wife ...for God's sake...can u help me and guide...my brain is not working....(to clear u out-we had a house earlier...he had sold it off..and this house was on his name...probably his father had contributed some amount-around 20 lakhs that time.....rest he has been paying loan...may be that is the reason he wants it to be on their joint name...but is this ok ladies??i am really confused...he hasnt done any savings on my name /joint name till date...only i myself take care of all my finances...and also have done some fixed deposits...which he wants me to break...i dont mind helping him out at all...he is my husband....but behind my back i am really tesned bcoz of this...am i thinking something wrong...plz help me...i havent even told my parents about it...plz guide...about all the issues-he making me always secondary infront of his mil and secondly about this money issue...realy need ur feed back...plz help me...
     
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  2. Chandrika82

    Chandrika82 Silver IL'ite

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    Atleast for buying the house part, why dont you have a frank talk with your husband? Tell him that you would like to make this purchase as a couple, and have the home registered in both of your names. Try telling him when you both are alone and he is in a good mood, that you would like to be valued as a partner in the relationship, and buying property in both your names would help.
     
  3. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    @chandrika-thank u 4 replying to me out of all those who viewed my post...yeah i am waiting for the moment to speak to him..but have this dilemma in mind...that if he says that since his father paid around 20 lakhs for the earlier property (when he was alive) so therefore he is adding his mom's name then what do i do??...though the house is costing around 1.25 cr to us...that is only 1/5th the amount...but still feel he may say this then what do i tell him...please guide...i am really concerned...FYI-his mom already has a house nominated to her by her mom..so that is also not the case that she is not having anything....i really envy that lady:rant..what a destiny i have :(
     
  4. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear don't compare yourself with your mil in what she owns and you own.
    Leave that aside. Just gooks on what is on hand. Tell your h you want the house in both your names.
    Agreed his dad paid for the old house but your h sold it and spent the money. If he wants he can give the money to mom but you want the house in both of your names.
    You need to speak up and tell your h how you feel without accusing mil or bringing up her name.
    You have bonded with him for this long so it is time to tell your feelings.
     
  5. nightingale786

    nightingale786 New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Here is my suggestion. Do not ask your husband not to add your mil's name, instead ask him to add your name also(try to find the reasons..for ex: tax, loan etc..). or If you have kids, you can ask them to put their name too.

    And feeling as a third person in your own house, i know how it feels like. I am passing through the same now. But, trust me...that's your husband and nobody can separate you unless you want to. Have that confidence and positive feeling always. and do something interesting for you when they are talking to each other. Do not fight with him whenever he comes to you. I know it's not so easy..but i am also trying..hope you can also do that..:)
     
  6. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    ok friends...i willl talk to him v soon...when i see it is the right time...but what if he gets wild??since his mom was saying the other day that the house will be on a joint name with her...and infact to reduce the tax he is taking it on a joint name...but before even talking to me he told his mom that they can jointly take it...obviously his mom must be v happy...but what about me...as if i dont exist at all??that is what depressed me...though there is still time for all that but i have to speak to him soon....
    Secondly he keeps asking me that i have so n so amount in my accounts...he will needing that...but that is what pissses me off...that he needs all my savings...but wants th house to be on his mom and his name.....what is the reason for it...??can u wisely,diplomatically guide me...coz i am too much of a straight fwd person...far away from diplomacy and bcoz of which i have to suffer:(
    i feel i am only dumb tha i could not control my dh...but dh also drools over his mom like a little boy...i really get irritaed that he doesnt understand his wife shud alos be given equal right:drowning
     
  7. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    If he gets wild than say like the other poster said that you want your name too on the house deed along with your mil's.
     
  8. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Kenny,


    Ask him to include you also .Ask him to register on 3 of you.

    Or the option is,at the end if you MIL wanted to share something to her Daugther then you can't sell that house that time.

    So the better would be give her share whatever it is at this point and get some interest on it for her and remaining you both pay whatever it is.

    Or,go by 3 shares.That way in the future if any issues comes up your MIL would get 1/3 share and you both have 2/3 share.
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Bronze IL'ite

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    ok friends will do the same...but can a house be registered on 3 names...have heard of joint names though but don;t have any idea about this...
    secondly yaa u guys told me what i should do...but it will be kind of u if u give me some facts about loan/tax-all the points because of which i can convince him that i should also be included in the regsitry...plz guide.
     
  10. ivlakshmi

    ivlakshmi Platinum IL'ite

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    Acocording to law, property goes to female child as well..if ur MIL dies in future..ur SIL will have equal share on this.. talk to ur hubby on this..ur MIL is super clever
     

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