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Husband working late!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by sonal, Aug 15, 2005.

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  1. sonal

    sonal Junior IL'ite

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    My husband works for one of the big three automotive companies in Detroit, MI. He is in a fairly middle management position and therein lies the problem. He leaves home at 7.30 am in the morning and comes back at 8.15 pm.

    By the time he comes back, he is dead-tired and has very little energy for any conversation with me. He loves his job and his company has amply rewarded him for his hard work. But I don't think this is the right balance for us.

    He is a very loving and caring person, but his work style is concerning me. Any time I open this conversation with him he says that I should support his ambition. Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy. But I just don't know how to handle this "workaholic" aspect of him?
     
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  2. shakila

    shakila Junior IL'ite

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    It is a slow process!

    My husband also works late to an outrageous extent. Sometimes he goes to office during weekends and that makes any weekend planning difficult.

    I haven't engaged in a serious conversation with him about that. I sometimes mention quotes like "No one on their deathbed ever wished they'd spent more time at the office", atleast to get him thinking.

    I am actually reaching my breaking point on this one. I am also waiting for a right time to discuss this out with him.
     
  3. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    no cribbing

    I think both of you must be in your twenties - cos this is the time you want to spend maximum time with your husband - go out, go for movies, long drives etc. But believe me all this happens only in reel life, not in real life where husbands work long hours and are too exhausted to pay attention to their families. No point cribbing - then the hubby will feel justified in staying away from a nagging wife! Cultivate other interests and hobbies, make new friends and always remain cheerful. Don't wallow in self-pity - join a gym or enrol for painting/cookery classes. I am in my 40s and have traversed the same path. My husband's in the Merchant Navy and is usually sailing for 6-9 months in a year. I went through some hard and lonely times - but I think I've emerged stronger. Now I've reached that age when I don't like going out all that much - long drives are a waste of time! If I do want to go out, I don't expect him to take me! So it's all balanced out. Always remember, that you are your own support system - don't let your happiness hinge around your husband's attention etc.
    Take care,
    Sharada
     
  4. simi

    simi Junior IL'ite

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    Is the expectation wrong?

    Hi Sharada,

    Your reply in this subject is very good. I guess your age and experience has made you more independent.

    Though I am able to understand what you mean, I have some questions. You mentioned about the expectation to spend maximum time with husband. Is that expectation wrong? Isn't it required for the couples to have time for themselves? It is understood that husband's staying late is genuine, but shouldn't the wife express her need for his time?
     
  5. varalotti

    varalotti Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Sharada, your reply to the problem shows your maturity and your balanced approach to life. . We could not have got a better reply even from a professional counsellor.
    But at the end of it I felt sad because if husband and wife cant be together and cant have a decent conversation once or twice a day, what's the purpose of marriage?

    I know many couples where the husband is in Delhi, the wife is in Chennai. They meet for Diwali or Pongal. Worse still are the couples where the husband is in Gulf and the wife is languishing in India. The couple meet once in two years (at the time the husband gets a free passage home)

    What's the big fun? Are we giving so much value to our careers and finances that the familial, especially the marital relationship automatically takes the back seat?

    I know the Managing Director of a 2000 crores company. His wife is the MD of a 1000 crore company. Both keep on travelling, around the world. They have a deal. Every month first weekend they will meet as a family in a star hotel in Chennai. The meeting will last for three hours. Then they are free to pursue their own lives for the rest of the month.

    Sharada, I am not finding fault with your reply. I am finding a very basic fault-line on the way our societies are organised, our cultures are built and our priorities are planned. Ambition is important, getting up in the corporate ladder is a worthy goal. But should we sacrifice the company of the spouse for that? Is any thing more important than the family?

    I think I can venture a point here. In the US if the husband spends too little time with his wife that can be a ground for divorce. The American wife after giving some opportunities and waiting for a decent time for things to improve, soon walks out of the marriage.
    But that remedy is worse than the disease.
    I think these women should at least mildly confront the husband about the problem. They should not do it when the husband comes home at 8 in the night, dead tired. When he is in a good mood, they should make their displeasure rather clear.Who knows there might be some welcome change!
    I have to end this reply only with a heavy heart.
    varalotti

     
    Last edited: Aug 16, 2005
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  6. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    not wrong

    Dear Simi,
    The expectation is not wrong. But usually the way it is said seems like complaining to the husband. I know it's difficult to be tactful when you are seething with resentment - but you have to say it in such a way that he'll want to spend more time with you. For example instead of saying "you always come home late and then you are on the phone...we never go out..." you should say -"I really enjoy your company. Would it be possible to get home a bit early, and after a relaxing shower perhaps we could go to the new restaurant." Most men love flattery (who doesn't!)- so at all times make him feel special - and soon your charm will work! I don't want to make you manipulative/scheming - but these are the tricks of the trade, as it were!
    Take care,
    Sharada
     
  7. Sharada

    Sharada Senior IL'ite

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    priorties

    Sridhar,
    When two ambitious, careerminded people get married it is a Mumbai-Kolkata marriage. Perhaps this is their chosen lifestyle. It's a reflection of the times we live in - assets are more important than relationships. If both partners realise that they have to shift gears, slow down and make time for each other then the quality of their marriage improves. But if only one feels that way and the other talks about issues (I'm not negating their importance) like inflation, responsibility etc, there is a tug of war.
    Sometimes it's as if both parties speak different languages and there's no meeting point. But they carry on for reasons of security, children or whatever.
    Sharada
     
  8. ARCHNA

    ARCHNA New IL'ite

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    hi there sonal

    Good u shared ur concern. My first question wud be do u work, becoz if u do, u wud understand that its imp. I'm not disagreeing with u ya but my suggestion wud be to talk it out. u tell him that u support him and with him, but scared and it's hurting you if he is not around when u need him.
    Same case here. We r in michigan, also husband is doing part time mba. He doesn't have time to spend with me but i talked to him we worked out a plan. He calls me during the day and we talk in installments. Plus i made a great circle of friends i hang out with. Where in michigan r u from? We r in canton. If u want we can exchange phone numbers and talk as friends.



     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 17, 2005
  9. akila

    akila New IL'ite

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    Help your husband to balance!

    Hi Sonal & Shakila,

    I presume both of you are not working outside your home. That being the case, would increase the need of having your husband back from work on time. I fully understand the need of couples having time among themselves.

    I would suggest you gals should talk to your husband and find out the possibilities of them balancing the time spent at office and at home. Try to take the weekends for yourselves, if their work demands late hours on week days. Your husband too would be eager to spend the time with you and your family, they probably would need more of your support than the complaints!

    Follow Sharada's flattering tricks to make them feel the need of getting home early. That really works!

    PS: Myself and my husbad are working - our case is even worse. When he gets a chance to return home early, I'll get caught up at work and vice versa. So we have decided to have the weekend for ourselves and said a firm NO to work on weekends.
     
  10. meenaprakash

    meenaprakash Silver IL'ite

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    long hours at work is the order of the day..

    Dear friends,

    would like to share some points onthis subject..

    whether in US or Bangalore, situation is the same.. these days there is no job which has any time limit. there is so much competition and expectation from you that u are forced to work late - rule is the same for a guy or a gal. also nobody is indispensible. In this kind of an environment, when the lady is at home and has so much time at hand it is natural to feel bored, feel deserted at times..

    I used to work before and like Sharada rightly put it - my life was like mumbai calcutta marriage; hardly had time for anything. I quit my job to take care of my daughter and now my daughter is in the primary school and I get the whole day for myself. I do feel bored at home even though there is so much work (house wife's job is never ending - at the end of the day u always postpone something; never completed).

    Here's what I do to get my Hubby's attention:

    I always make sure he had his lunch b4 me. Even when I was working, I used to always call up to do that.. (u might laugh at me - I always have lunch after he had ) Even today it continues. He knows I'll be waiting for his call so he gives me a call always, every afternoon. whenever he's late, even if it is midnight, I wait and so even when he goes out with friends or meeting or club, he'll rush back home for food. all the recipes that I cook are his favourites thats another reason for his rushing home.

    Initially, he never cared about me; even thought I'm stupid to wait for him for breakfast, lunch and dinner... but after sometime he just couldn't resist the attention he got and he had no choice but to reciprocate. I do help in his work whenever possible.

    Men like to be loved, pampered, adored but take a lot of time to reciprocate or to understand. though he works late hours we do keep in touch via phone.. I do send him emails, send reminders of important events in advance by email; a lot of naughty stuff too.. I trust sending cool messages actually eases their stress at work.. Once they start reciprocating then its easy to put on ur requests. Again one by one; never crowd him.. he's stressed. STRESS is the talk of the town.




     
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