1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Husband Without Values - How To Manage?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Reesha, Apr 15, 2019.

  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,327
    Likes Received:
    1,499
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    This line I have read from many posters here
     
  2. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    169
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    @Rihana Please find my answers

    Did he insist that you cut down on house work in the last trimester? Does that show that he cares about you? Or did you construe that as selfish concern only about the unborn?

    As you know i am already working woman, i hired a care taker for my first kid, and she is working with me past 4 years. i had totally 3 maids at house one is cook, one is cleaner, another is care taker. i and husband are sharing their salary and i am person who managing them. due to long relationship and my nice nature with them, they supported me alot in last trimister. mine is very planned pregnancy so i left regular job and chosen freelancing. if cook didnt come, i cooked myself and for in-laws. very rarely my mother in-law will involve in cooking and that too she will made simple upma as dinner. finally i am whole solo responsible person for all family members food(that is my husband expectation). its my pre planned to hire maids for all works due to previous experiences in last 5 years( u can go through my past posts). so at last trimister i enjoyed rest as per my plan. my husband concern is only about unborn kid because due to stressed pregnancy we got first child with low immunity and running to hospital every 2 weeks with every year admission. so he controlled himself not to hurt me.

    That is sad. He should know by now that his mom is the kind of person who does not like others (like new mom) getting attention and care and start their pretend suffering.

    He will not, because she made same actions for every delivery(for me and for my co-sister, except her own daughter) and functions at home to escape work.he is saying she is deep thinker and she will used to get depression if normal flow disturbs at home.:smash2:


    You know that he tends to overdo the Shravana Kumar mummy-daddy amma-nana garu seva thing. So, a cool response could be 'cook didn't come today, baby is cranky, I am trying to decide menu.' Means - state the obvious to him without :BangHead: why he can't get that without being told.

    My feeling is how he asked insanely that question to me with out thinking :hmmm: of course i answered with shout. he cooked himself finally.

    You are a smart working woman brought up in educated family. Why ask questions to which there are no acceptable answers? Why bring up their non supportive nature when it won't help you in any way?

    i want to burst infront of him about suffer causing due to his parents. because i ignored and adjusted allot in past 5 yrs. i dint even open my mouth for single time. its holded feeling from my heart.

    "i served them from 5 yrs with my cooking."
    Was this completely out of the goodness of your heart or were there some benefits for you and your husband such as your in-laws supervise the nanny/maid who looks after your older child?

    i felt it should mutual responsibility. actually they supposed to take care my elder child, but didnt. nany is under my control and she is too good. so all of us got belief on her after 1 year. so their supervision is only for 1 year. later they used to left nany alone with kid and they used to sleep or enjoy their time.actually they enjoyed luxury as king and queen at home due to my care taker because they continuously commanding her even for Tea/coffee.

    This period of staying at your mother's house and coming back is a good time to start some new practices. Make food/cook management the responsibility of others.[/QUOTE]

    but i am thinking of how long i can stay at mothers place. my elder kid have school opening by june. but still i have infant with me and actually i am not ready to do dual role at husbands house now even after 2 months. i have to leave my 5 yrs old with my husband and need to stay at mothers place. but i love my first kid too. now due to vacation, kid is with me and enjoying both kids with help of my mother, father and brothers help.
     
  3. SaiNiharika

    SaiNiharika Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    Starting am new to city environment. I believe him so I did not say any thing if is operating my account. He never spend my money for luxury. He do LIC,mutual funds like other savings for family with my money. So I believed him. He has access of all my accounts. I can't maintain secreat account because of the adhar card link to accounts. He had access to my net banking. Every month he checks my salary and pays mutual funds like some thing for savings. As I am girl I want to wear beautiful dresses [Not luxary]. I have some small wishes but he thinks that all those are luxary thoughts so restricted me to buy. If I buy my own he will say that am not giving respect to his words. And makes house environment bad my scolding me and kids indirectly. I don't want to spoil house environment. Because kids observing us. Please tell any tips to let him knoe I am also living thing I have also some wishes. Is there any plan/way to change him. Starting I tries to explain him slowly but I vexed now I am shouting and he is also making home environment too bad. Not understanding what to do ?
     
  4. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    @SaiNiharika I read ur old posts too.. U have same problem from last 2 - 3 yrs.. Why u not take control of ur finances .. Why u r scared.. if he shouts , You shout with two time effects..
    Net banking can be controlled again by changing password.. n keep changing password every 10 - 15 days.. So ur Husband will stop asking for password.. some day .. U can learn n do ur investment . Who stops u .. u can have one common / joint account from where u / ur H can spend for monthly expenses.. Apply new Credit Card .. keep that with u .. Its u .. n u have to take control of everything..
     
    shravs3 likes this.
  5. Amulet

    Amulet Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    1,195
    Likes Received:
    1,810
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    It is mere wishful thinking on the part of the posters who contend such things.

    The problem of domestic slavery is so huge, as so many allegedly "educated" girls sign up voluntarily to get into such conditions, there isn't any easy solutions to individual cases.
     
    Sunshine04 likes this.
  6. SaiNiharika

    SaiNiharika Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    193
    Likes Received:
    26
    Trophy Points:
    48
    Gender:
    Female
    If am doing any expense of my own. He stops loving me and treating me as a enemy. How many days we live under same roof like enemies. He is not caring me when am ill. Just ignoring me in all things. Rude talking. He will irritates even if I talks to him. If am in his control he is talking with me some polite manner. I am unable to tolerate his irritation. Any one do marriage to build a beautiful love house. Because of this money I am losing my love house. I am single chid to my parents my brother died 15 years back. My parents keeps all hopes on me. If they know I don't had any freedom it hurts them badly. No close persons for me to share all these. So sharing here to get any good solution.
     
  7. soraj

    soraj Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    16
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    @SaiNiharika Its upto u ... u have to take control...everyone has to fight their own battle.. . No one can help u ... We can only suggest u ..
     
  8. Afresh

    Afresh Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    227
    Likes Received:
    350
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi There,

    I understand where you are coming from.
    However, as others are telling you, you need to take control of some things , atleast those related to spending on yourself from your salary.
    How will you do it?It is tough but doable
    You need to first control your impulse of needing his approval for any kind of actions( that is justified by your and general standards). This is the most difficult step and this where he draws all his power from.
    When two reasonable people have this hold on each other , it builds to a really fruitful relationship. On the other hand, if one person has to ensure this principle, it leads to imbalance of power. So first of all , get over your need fro his stamp of approval.
    You need to calmly spend your money and also not inform him, take baby steps 9 meaning spend on small ticket items, could also be kitchen vessels ). you shouldn't necessarily try and tell him about your purchases and if he notices, answer calmly and try to be as nonchalant as possible.
    Once , when he realises that you will stop giving in to his tantrums over you spending money and ' not showing respect' he will adapt to the newer system.
    Wishing you luck !
     
  9. DDream

    DDream Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    959
    Likes Received:
    1,822
    Trophy Points:
    265
    Gender:
    Female
    India got independence after lot of struggle,what would have happened if our freedom fighters thought it's good to have peace than independence?

    Same here. He knows that you wont fight for your rights. He knows he can control you by all these tantrums.. it's not love towards you. Its self love..When he said you dont respect him by not listening, how did you respond. You can tell him,yes you also dont respect me that's why you are behaving like this. I am sad and hurt by all these etc...

    You can try discussing it with him . But if it fails saying no or prove it by actions by starting your own salary account .. you need to take control of your life. Start with small things. If you want to eat fruits, buy it, dont ask permission for it. Same with other things. Once he find that you are spending money wisely and not for luxury and you will do,even after these tantrums, l think he will adjust. Have your dh asked your permission to buy things? Rules are same for every one.

    I think.its better to start action than talking. Let him shout . But just ignore it. Do what you think is right. Take baby steps. Good luck

    I assume here you gave already talked about your concerns to him.
    It's better to start another thread, please request @IL_Admin . I just realized that others have given similar responses above.:)
     
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2019 at 5:28 PM
    Afresh likes this.

Share This Page