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Husband-wife Relationship...still Exists???

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Sep 14, 2018.

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  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Husband is in early 40's.I am going to be 40.My husband is a very nice guy.I have lot of financial freedom and he is encouraging when I pursue my interests..

    However,he is a workaholic...
    He gets up at 6 am and leaves by 7 am..comes home really late.whole weekday goes like this..even when he works from home,he is always on call throughout the day.During weekends,he helps with the kid,park but all afternoon he sleeps due to tiredness.sex life is NIL

    This is how my life is going.To make things worse,even if he has free time he spends watching some english movies,serials.He is also a quiet type.

    I keep busy with kid,tv,housework,gym,yoga etc but I find life very robotic and has no purpose at times.Living in the USA is one thing,weather is another thing,no matter how hard I try..friends do not meet often also and the ones I have are far,moved to India or busy with their own life.going for a part time two days a week job near my place.life is like.......duh.

    Is the above normal?Is this how life is supposed to go?Am I seeing life in a wrong perspective?After a certain age,is everything downhill?How do you guys keep motivated and refreshed with the above situtation?what can I do to feel better?
     
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  2. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Silver IL'ite

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    duh ...you have too much time on your hand. Get out of the shell; job or do some volunteer work. You will realize how good you have it.
     
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  3. Amulet

    Amulet Gold IL'ite

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    U have a sweet life. At the appropriate daily moment, tell him so.
    Listen to a guy's perspective in the famous song <== link.
    sex is not something a boy has to do TO a girl; you can also take the initiative and surprise him.:blush:
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
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  4. Sangeeta85

    Sangeeta85 Gold IL'ite

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    I feel the same and I m in my early 30’s .one reason mil another reason I create ..

    Need to find hobby or do what u love .
    I m planning to start planting some plants in my yard do some gardening work ..
     
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  5. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    You should first of all count your blessings , Most people struggle a lot to earn money and have no time for themselves or even to get good sleep. You should feel grateful for all the things you have this will help to get out of depression .

    Next make some goals like to get a job, volunteer or learn a new skill or hobby . Try to find a purpose and utilise your time in best possible way . Best is to get a job but don't know in your country whether u will have visa issues or how easy it is. Atleast try to volunteer for community work etc Visit old age home , orphanage etc you will realise there is so much for u to do , to help others and you will find purpose in your life . There is more to life than running home or our own life. there's a lot more we can do for others , and once you put your mind to those things then u will never feel depressed again .

    Husband will come around , don't worry .once you get busy you will.miss him less he will miss u more
     
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2018
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  6. Shanvy

    Shanvy IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987 i really smile when i see you start a thread just like few others..
    i am on the other end of forty inching slowly towards the 50. from where i see your life, i wish i had the energy to do all that you talk about, .. married for 25 years..yeah feels i married quite young probably.. yet the spark or whatever you call still lingers.. a cup of coffee, a companionable silent moments, he with his english movies, and me with my hook and yarn just trying to put in a few stitches..a small talk about the day today, reminiscing over something that happened, the kids, the childhood, the years that went by (now not everything was rosy, but then that is life imperfectly perfection and celebrating them too..). he is a movie buff, and i am a news loving person. i like parallel art movies and he loves action movies. i am practical he is emotional. the differences go on...

    we grew through this marriage overcoming a lot of differences in our character, habits to being together and loving it. and we are growing, we never stop, because it is a evolving process. we are growing as individuals based on our experiences, our past and our role model absorptions and we bring these to the table and that is why we are not we were when we first met. and once we learn and understand this, instead of being in denial, lot of issues resolve. we have our differences, arguments and oh boy a lot of them but it is always about the issues..


    Today we squabble a lot about aging gracefully in actions. how the next gen could interpret, how we act and react.. Infact i absorbed this while reading some of the threads here. being adult by age does not give the right to be rigid in our ideas, thoughts and beliefs..a little flexibility to be resilient and adeptness to changing time is definitely needed to be learnt.

    coming to purpose of life, nobody discovers the purpose of their life pronto, you evolve, you learn, you upgrade as you progress. for me it is about being helpful to others in the best possible way i can. pay it forward as much as i can..

    My husband has a very stressful job, especially mental stress that pulls his health down. And before we discount stressful jobs making people tired and lazy, we need to understand what stress can do to the body. make it easy, make it fun, make it about being together.. the sparks and the chemistry will rekindle itself.. it is not a one way street.. marriage and relationships are two way streets and sometimes it is ok if one party tries to overcompensate and make it up when the other lags.. it is all about the team..I have no interest comparing with how others do things, i am focused on what works for me, and my family. society ko goli maaro.. my issues are incidents to me and impact me, while news to society, and it gets overwritten when something new comes across..so i give them only so much importance..

    I read a lot, i am always a learner, into crafts and i am never bored..i am happy being able to do what i can do today.. basically contented..
    you can take things into your hands, work around the issues, make life more purposeful.
     
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  7. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    It's really nice to read your experience . We know best what works for us and we cant explain to other people. In the end results benefits and consequences will be ours to bear alone. So why care for what others think .We should.not live life just to impress outside world .
     
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  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987

    No, this is not normal, and this is not how life should go during middle age.
    Therefore, all your doubts are very valid.

    And looks like the emotional bond is also almost NIL

    This is the first thing that came to my mind before I gather my response for you. This is absolutely NOT normal.

    Both physical and emotional bonding between the spouses make a marriage strong.
    Specially when they are together under one roof.
    I am only a few years younger to you, but I can see how disgusting it can be for you to lose both these important aspects of marriage.
    You never can replace these emotions with anything. No yoga, no career, nothing can bring the warmth your spouse could give you.

    I am living very far from my H right now for work reasons, but whenever we are together we ensure that we spend quality time for ourselves.
    The hugs, kisses, sex and the togetherness where we just sit next to each other in the couch or in private at our bedroom to speak our heart out is what keeps us together.
    Unlike your life, ours is a rough journey. Inter religious marriage, in laws problems, financial issues, career issues etc..etc...yet, we sail this life peacefully because of our strong bond only.

    You can do Yoga, crafts, have a full time career, and became very busy with your growing kid. But these are only to keep you alive, and kill your boredom in a desert life.

    This is not living....
     
  9. peet1983

    peet1983 Silver IL'ite

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    Just go for a small vacation.. you can really see how things changes.. those golden days will come back.. life will get refreshed.. provided you need to plan the vacction in such a way that both get enough quality time together and he is offline from office works..
    All the best
     
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  10. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Gold IL'ite

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    @anika987 I was in a dysfunctional marriage and I can spot one from miles away. I dont know what is the solution here . that ingredient which gives couples a deeper connection, I think its hard to define what it is. Among couples who I think have good marriages, one thing I see is that they value and like the other persons personality , and not with respect to their relation with them. i.e your husband likes you as a woman and an individual person versus oh, she is my wife and mother of my kids . This is the problem I see with arranged marriages. Feeling alone in a marriage can be soul sucking, you dont need to compare that with starving children in Africa, thats apples and oranges. Again, I dont have a solution, I hear you and feel you and sending positive vibes your way.
     
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