Husband Verses Parents

BhumiBabe · Jul 26, 2017

YoGirl said: ↑

What is your parents take on this? Since they wanted a traditional wedding for you and an Indian son-in-law. They must be knowing the Indian son-in-law mentality of restricting wife's access to her parents.. I think if they agree to this age old custom, you will be mentally relaxed and not crave to talk to them frequently. Btw, how relaxed were such rules to your mom by ur dad?

Since you are working on your marriage...y not give 100% and not compare on what he does vs what you do. Guys are soo weird. They dont talk to their parents everyday before marriage. Once married, they try talk very frequently. You are lucky to have ur parents just 4 hours away. its perfect. They are not in same city which is another issue and not in India which is thousands of miles away.
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To be honest, I haven't really told them much about this. They kinda understood that it was happening, and have really stepped away, not to be a hindrance for my husband. They have asked to come over for a weekend, to see their grandson, but I told them not to, because I didn't want to cause any problems. I figured that I should just wait until there is a better time, when things cool down. They understand. My mom and dad lived in a different time and we have always lived abroad. There are many unfair things that happened then too, but the relationship was different too. This is uncharted territory for them.

Having my parents live so close is a double-edged sword. I think it's part of the animosity toward them, even if it was really helpful during my pregnancy.

BhumiBabe · Jul 26, 2017

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I think I'm going to see if I can talk him into seeing the counselor with me.

Overall, I have seen improvements in my husband, but then when he gets really riled up, he says really dumb stuff, about him working so hard to help clean the house (which I appreciate, but isn't that just a task that one must do?) or that we have too many culture differences for things to ever work out (happens every time we visit my family or his). I am trying to compromise, but at the same time, I no longer want to hide all my activities (instagram, reading books, watching Netflix on my phone, talking to friends, meeting friends, eating all types of non-veg) or my personality (bubbly personable, while being quite introverted). It's the main reason I feel so lost this week, him saying that it's not working for him.

I wish he can just accept me the way I am, and by extension, just accept that he married the family, so my family should also be involved in my son's life. I'm going to do my best to ignore the commentary, but I know that when I do that, it's feels like a step backwards in fixing the relationship.

Deborah · Jul 26, 2017

I didn't know that you have to hide these many activities. I thought it was just Netflix coz it was Dad's account.I am sorry . Yes, you are right. You shouldn't .

Elsa · Jul 26, 2017

@BhumiBabe I havent gone through your previous posts. This piece of advice that i am going to give you is based on your opening post only.

I am sorry, but your husband needs a lot of growimg up to do. Your son is not just his, but yours too. If you are ready to work on your marriage, he should put in efforts too to help you. How is your relationship with his parents? Is your son allowed to talk to and visit your husbands parents? Do you like your son talking to his parents when he cannot talk to your parents? If so, you should talk to your husband about it. please leave the kid out of all these issues. Let him enjoy his childhood like any other child. Let him be free to talk to both sets of grandparents, maternla and paternal cousins if he has some.

It is upto you to decide whether to keep bending to your husbands whims and wishes or take a stand and be firm that your parents are as welcome as his and that you are free to visit your parents if he is visiting his, with your kid.

BhumiBabe · Jul 26, 2017

WiseAgnes said: ↑

Thank you for your kind words, BB. I hope my comment doesn't sound too pessimistic, I truly you and your little one happiness. This is great that you don't sacrifice yourself anymore. I feel like in this situation the best shot would be to resume the counseling if it was helpful. Maybe the counselor will get to the root of why your husband doesn't like your father so much. Maybe the counselor will help him understand how his actions impact you and his son.
If the forum rules permit it, I will attach this surprisingly good WikiHow article about passive-aggressive relationship. Maybe you will find something helpful here for yourself
How to Deal with a Passive Aggressive Relationship
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Your link is remarkably helpful. I identified that I have also acted passive aggressive, and am working to fix that.

sokanasanah · Jul 28, 2017

BhumiBabe said: ↑

... I keep a lot of my activities under wraps ...
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I think most spouses would be upset about extracurricular activities 'under wraps' ... jeez, these modren girls and their shenanigans ...!

Sunshine04 · Jul 28, 2017

Hi bhumi.
Your husband is a jerk.just leave him.

Sandycandy · Jul 28, 2017

Sunshine04 said: ↑

Hi bhumi.
Your husband is a jerk.just leave him.
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I am sure she would if she wanted to , but things become complicated when there are kids .

SGBV · Jul 28, 2017

Dear @BhumiBabe

First of all, it is more than normal to develop such dislikes towards the in laws who seem to be way too much involved with our spouse's life. It is may be the fear, or jealousy.
When my MIL intervened, decided and controlled what her son should eat, when he should sleep, what he should do etc out of sheer love and responsibility, it affected me badly. I was mad on her, and that was the first breaking point between us.
My mom does intervene a lot in my life too. She pampers me, advises me as to how I should do things, and what not. My H knows it all, and he believes I am influenced by my mom. This is the very reason for him to hate/dislike her.

Now that after some years of marriage, we have learnt to live with this, and our likes or dislikes towards our in laws do not affect our marriage anymore.
But this was a big problem back then. That's why I relate to your case here.

In your case, you are open that your dad is your hero.
Perhaps, your H feels bad for not being able to compete your dad to win your heart.
Just like any average Indian husband, your one as well wants to control you. Not in the sense of abusing, but to have the upper hand in your life. But apparently he feels insecure because of your father's influence in your life.
I am sure your dad's influence is your strength. But sadly men wants us to be weaker before them.

Why don't you tell your H that you are trying to work this marriage for HIM and His love and for the family you and him created, and not for anyone else.
This way, he feels empowered, and wanted..... This brings some positive changes!

Learn to prioritize your H. Adjust with him whenever it is possible. If not try to make him understand your POV.
But do not bring your parents in any of your activities.
Eg: Cook a special dish of his choice and explain how you put some efforts to cook his fav dish.
This would melt your man.
But if you tell him like, I cooked this for you, because my dad advised me to cook this so that you would enjoy... then it will become a huge turn off...

PS: Don't try to stay in this marriage just because your parents and his parents wanted to unit you. You are an adult, and make your own decision wisely.
Your parents and his parents won't be living your life the next 30-50 yrs, but it is you. So, ask your mind whether you can live with this forever

BhumiBabe · Jul 28, 2017

sokanasanah said: ↑

I think most spouses would be upset about extracurricular activities 'under wraps' ... jeez, these modren girls and their shenanigans ...!

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haha, well, if it bothers them to do it in the open, than it has to be under wraps. I shop secretly, which bothers my husband (that I don't ask permission or what not), but he enjoys the rewards of the shopping trip, so he can't really say much about it.