Husband totally devoted to MIL

KanikaMehra · Aug 24, 2015

Hi everyone,

I have posted a few issues earlier and there is a new issue troubling me. The way everyone responds to my problems, I feel solace that there is someone I can talk to.

I have had a love marriage. We have been married for 3 years and I am in the 9th month of pregnancy. My husband's behavior troubles me a lot.

Everything was very beautiful in the early stage of marriage. But slowly with time I came to know that things only happen in the house if my MIL wants them to happen. There have been many issues and fights in the past as my husband blindly supports my MIL and my parents have not supported me much, so my husband knows that whatever happens I am alone and nobody will entertain my issues. So he is not afraid of hurting me. He also never on staying away from his parents cause he is the only son.

MIL is extremely controlling and the kitchen of the house and all the household expenses are managed by her. We have a maid for cooking because I am pregnant and MIL can't stand for a long time. MIL gives all the instructions to the maid. I was working, I used to be out of the house but I feel like I come back to my MIL's house, it feels like it is not my house at all. If I suggest something, it is never implemented and MIL does whatever she wants.

Another issue is that I never know how my husband's money is spent. Since I was working, my husband never gave me money for monthly expenses. He gives all his money to MIL after paying the housing loan. Lately, my husband left his job and started a new business. He got gratuity money and PF money. He sold my jewellery for buying the new apartment so he just got a mangalsutra for me, and my jewellery worth almost 3 Lakh rupees was spent. After that, all the money left was given to my MIL. I don't even know the exact amount he got and the amount he gave to my MIL. My FIL is also working but he has no role to play. My MIL takes money from FIL and my husband as well.

My issue is that I don't feel like a wife. I feel that my MIL is married to my husband, not me. I feel that that house is never going to be mine. I feel that I will never have a right on my husband's money. The way things are going on, I don't feel this will ever change. Besides, I am going to deliver a baby soon, my MIL will take that baby away from me as well. I love my parents and I can't spoil their name by taking a harsh decision, although they don't support me much. The way my husband behaves, I am also worried if he will behave the same with our child as well.

I want to have a great career but I am afraid of leaving the baby with my MIL for the whole day. I feel trapped. I can't get out of this and I am not able to live with peace. I try to talk to my husband about what I feel but he argues with me and we end up in a fight, there is no point in talking to him because he knows that I won't take a stand against all this because my parent's name will be spoiled.

Please help me and tell me what should be my approach right now.

YoGirl · Aug 25, 2015

I am not sure if you will stand up for yourself. But YOU NEED TO TAKE A STRONG STAND FOR YOUR KID.

pear · Aug 25, 2015

Dear op,

Concentrate on your pregnancy ,the rest of the problems could wait for a later date.Look after yourself and enjoy your journey to motherhood.Problems would always be around us.....one or the other way...why not block/freeze it till you are free to worry.You are working ,so you have an option of saving your earning or buying your own property in future.Thank god for the present blessings you have in your life and pray for a better future.This is not the time to fight for home control.

Prayers to you

umaakumar · Aug 25, 2015

Dear Kanika,

I read your post. I know how you feel because your MIL controls your house and finance. But I dont think you should be scared she will take away your child from you. If you want to go back to work after delivery just think how safe your child is with someone who loves her.

Always look at positives. OK she manages the finance. You should be upset if she is wasting money on things that are unnecessary or giving away to someone. But you have not mentioned any of this.

Most men are mothers boys and listen to their mothers only. We read so many posts here about MIL harrasing their DIL. If you MIL does not do this, then why dont you change your opinion of her.

Think she is a blessing for you. It is a blessing that you dont have to worry about the domestic matters. Once your child is born you can spend more time with him. Be positive. More so now that you are due you have to be cheerful and happy rather than brooding.

Regards
Uma

KanikaMehra · Aug 26, 2015

@YoGirl : I have tried to take a stand but nothing happened. That is the reason why I am not sure if I will be able to resume my career after delivery. Life is getting difficult and complicated.

KanikaMehra · Aug 26, 2015

@pear @umaakumar Thanks for supporting me and giving me a new point of view. I have been stressed out since a long time but I think right now I should concentrate on my pregnancy. I really pray that my husband changes for good at least for our child.

@umaakumar - yes she does waste money at times on some unnecessary things and my husband does not say no to her even after knowing that it is wrong.

The worst thing is that I don't have any idea about what happens to my husband's money. Only my MIL knows that. Also, I am not given any money to spend. I have shifted to my parent's place and my husband didn't even ask if I'll need money to spend here. I do have some savings but I also expect that my husband talks to me about my needs just like he does with MIL.

Iamagoodgirl · Aug 26, 2015

OP call husband and ask for some money without fear or guilt in voice.
Taking control of home from mil is going to be long fight.You can start this once you have baby.Under the excuse your kids schooling expenses start buying money back policy or open account on kids name .Find out some attractive rec curing account scheme.

Sandygal · Aug 27, 2015

Kanika,
right now just care about yourself and the baby. But plan carefully for the future. start discussing some of your issues with your parents them--- your parents will help you no matter what.
Secondly, never leave your job even though you are not comfortable with mil watching the baby. You can find a more permanent solution as time goes by.
thirdly, ask your parents to give majority of gifts to baby in cash or open a bank account in yours and baby's name. Give minimum gifts to in- laws as you might not see those again.
Give it some time and try to change your husband's view so that he becomes more trusting of you and knows that you will not do anything to hurt / disrespect his mother.
but for now try to relax....problems can wait! Hugs.

yellowmango · Aug 27, 2015

Op....right now just think about yourself and your baby.

Once the baby comes,your role and responsibility may increase. Your mil will probably take over the care taking in your absence and may not have time to control other stuff.

Till the time you are at home,enjoy your time completely with your baby.Once you join back to work ,then make a bonding routine with the baby.Once you are back from work,you take over the baby and take care of the baby. Keep a maid to help mil. If she refuses,then you just take care of the baby and let her do the rest. You ca keep a maid to help mil take care of the baby during the day.

If your parents are in the same city,then take the baby there often. Sometimes,leave the baby with them so that you are not overly dependent on mil alone.

As for finances.....start buying stuff for yourself and baby yourself.Go with husband and make him buy stuff that you need. Ask him to invest in polices for the child. You can invest your earning for your future. Keep husband aware of this.

Slowly take over some of the financial spending of the house. If mil is busy with baby,you go and get the groceries and vegetables.Tell husband to give you money for such expenses. Slowly become an equal partner in the house . Be just to mil,let her run the house jointly with you. Also if she is taking on baby care,then get help at home so she is not over worked.

Read up threads by Iamagoodgirl.

jaden · Aug 28, 2015

Dear Op,

First and foremost have a joint account with your husband.Your account should also be joint.This way you will know when the money is withdrawn and for what purpose.Ensure that you are the person paying the maid and taking care of household expenses.Ensure you and hubby take out a day and do the monthy shopping.Ensure some amt is also going into savings like FD or RD.

Was your jewellry sold against your wishes???If thats the case,its so wrong.On whoes name is the property??Working women normally face this problem because they dont get the time after work to handle such issues.I have faced the same when i was working and now since i am at home i handle this way better.