Husband spends too much money on his family.

Is your husband not understanding his priorities and put his family first by spending on them without thinking abt his own family's future and safety? Is his giving money affects your routine expenses and savings, if thats the case then it sucks but if it doesn't and you think he shouldn't do as much he's doing & his earnings only belong to you and no one else then I can say its wrong on your part too. For instance, his giving some amount of money from first salary to help his old grandma and/or also as in the form of respect is not wrong. But if his salary was $ 1000 & he was made to gave away $ 500 then its absolutely wrong. Any person should put his/her spouse and kids first & then whatever is left they can spend/help on family. Now that also doesn't mean that if a parent needs bypass surgery (when they themselves don't have money and needs from son) and wife wants a diomand neckless and man give priority to wife. I mean helping & giving gifts to parents, siblings & grand parents is great but it should not affect one's own basic family expenses and future safety savings. So if in your case as mentioned by you, if your inlaws are already rich and your husband make unnecessary expenses on them even though it affects the expenses and savings of his own family then its wrong on his part.

I liked that charanyaram's post and you can follow her advise. List out all your expenses and show to your husband, talk to him and make him understand but do it calmly, hopefully he understands. But you know as you mentioned in your post that he loves his parents and sister to death so chances are there he won't listen to you. You need to have patience then dear. Do you have children yet. If now then maybe after birth of child you can make him understand how important savings is for yours and your child future so he needs to cut down expenditure on unnecessary spending on his family. Anyways if it doesn't work then just have patience, have a big heart and don't worry, you will get it back as a reward in any form whatever you and your hubby did for your inlaws. Karma is strong you know. As you mentioned your inlaws are rich, so just think that after them, you will get the share in property too, isn't it. So afterall you are going to get back, isn't it?

 

Whether you are MIL or DIL, but I liked your post, whatever you said is genuine & philosophical. I can say you are very good human being. But sometimes its not practical. For eg: you are struggling yourself while parents or siblings are already well off then is it practical to spend on them? As I mentioned in my previous post addressing OP, a person should put his own family's safety, prosperity & happiness first but that also doesn't mean that parents are genuinely dependent on son/daughter for some reason and they give priority to their own luxuries & won't help parents then it is extremely wrong. Also if the parents/siblings are well off but still you love to spend on them but not at the cost of spouse and kids then it is still not wrong. But unlike you I won't call it giving back, but giving gifts and spending money on parents/siblings if you love them is kind of way of showing your concern/love/care for them. For eg: I buy gifts for my mother and siblings not because they actually need it but that is my way of showing my love and care to them.

 

Expectation is the main cause of disappointment. If you want to spend money for parents or PILs, it would be wise to do so because of your respect for them and because YOU want to do it. Please do not do it because you think that you would want your children to be like you. Karma may or may not work for you. What if your kids are struggling or they just don't happen to think like you in the future? It definitely helps to look at some situations from that perspective as it might make you think more clearly but looking at stuff like spending money from that angle might lead to big disappointments.

OP, I do not think that you are overreacting. Giving money to grandma does not seem like a big deal to me personally, but recurring spending on the other fronts is something to be concerned about. You have to talk to DH about it at some point. Many men react well to numbers, so please try putting your income, expenses, savings, projections into Excel and discuss with him. I would suggest that you set aside a sum that is reasonable (and affordable) for IL family every month. It can go into parents/sister fund or something. Make sure that it is not too huge but something that, over some months, adds up to a significant amount. You can then pay them out of this whenever they ask you. Your DH would also not be riled up if you suggest this instead of not giving them anything at all, and it would not pinch you too much.

I would try and make sure that SIL's future expenses do not fall on your heads. Try and include projected expenses for your family after the baby comes in, to show him the importance of savings.

GL:thumbsup

 

Exactly what I would suggest too !!!

And after the calculations, I'm hoping that maybe you'll find that you DO have enough for DH's school break and planning a family

 

Hi,
I do think you are not over reacting....Speaking with your DH may/may not work the strategy is to prepare the expenses sheet as said by IL and make aplan to save some amount compulsarily for your future use and some amount on your ILs so that he may appreciate this endeavour of yours by giving equal importance to his parents...but do not do this immediately after he spends on his parents...take some time and approach when he is in good mood you used to do this in tactful manner so that he wont suspect your annoyance at his spending....because those men who are so much attached to his parents like your DH wont like it and may turn against you...
Forget your MILs past and your DHs childhood in the he is the one who should take his stand on them....

 

Hi Renegade,

Yeah...I was exactly thinking what you were and so I ended up on your query. The best thing you can do here is either explaining to your husband that you are scared for your future or get a work permit and start earning. I thought the same to as Iam also studying as I cant work here. Our husbands do everything KNOWINGLY...they weren't born yesterday,they know that they are taken granted by their parents but wont accept...never!. So what can you say to a person who knows but does it?.....so try to solve your problems yourself, esp. the financial ones. Good Luck, get a job save like you have no one to give you money for u and your children. Other than that yeah plan for the future.

Hi vvvvvv,
I believe that a person can understand something only if he is in that exact situation. Iam not sure you ever experienced the fear of 'financial unsafe'....I hope you never will. What you said is very worthy words BUT unfortunately it wont work for the questioner. If the parents 'expect' EVERY penny back...where is the love? a bank can do it for a person. No answer er here will say "Dont care about the parents" but if parents really love their kids then they mustnt put stress on their kids family.....interestingly the girl's parents are all doing it....and you you by know now where the problem is.......

 

Dear renegade,
I have read a few posts in this link but not all. Well, you are not over reacting and in these days everyone thinks of their future, their kids future and savings which is very valid. Someone in this thread had mentioned that our grandparents had lived a simple life, our parents sacrificed so much for us and so on.. Its always nice to talk and advice others unless n until you face the reality!!!
Some in-laws really expect a lot even if they are well off. I agree that they too have expectations, but they should understand that even son's have their own family and expenditure. Unfortunately many wont understand this or they pretend as though they haven't.
You said that when you are in India, you have to spend the most. I agree with you and that is because
people think that you earn in dollars so whats the big deal when you pay for the restaurants or small trips in India?? This is not the fault of our family members or relatives because some people who stay abroad just show off when they go to India about their lifestyle, their earnings etc. That is why few people in India have developed this mindset (not all) and expect us to pay the bills or do favour which is o.k upto some extent. In that case make them realize your situation or just give them a hint as to how things are here. (i hope you got my point). Tell your husband to control his spending. I have seen in US most of my friend's say that their husbands spend a lot when they go to India just to maintain their status (US damaad) though they really don't like to spend. We cannot be good to everyone, and some people have no limits for expectations (i am not pointing on anyone in particular, i just wanted to tel what i have heard from my friends here). Learn to say "no".

As you have said, your in-laws are well off, why cant they pay for their daughter's education? Or Has your husband told them that he's going to take care of his sister's education? Make sure about it. Talk to your husband about your savings plan and also ask him politely is it really necessary for him to pay such huge amount for his sister's education?/ I know its not an easy thing to make husband's understand about their way of spending towards their family, but talk to him openly about the savings, your future plans ans also explain him about the expenses of starting a family, kid's education, buying a house and so on.. (Husband's might be knowing their responsibilities but still its a wife's duty to take care of his savings and plan for the future wisely).

Learn to tackle him wisely regarding money matters because no husband will like if we tell them to reduce their expenditure towards their family. If possible, invest on buying a flat or a plot in India, so that every month some money goes for the house loan, which will be an asset for you. Always keep reminding him how important is savings in this kind of economy when you are not even sure of your jobs and tell him to spend for things which are really necessary.
As its been 3.25 yrs since you are married, i think it will not be that difficult for you to break the ice. Tell him that from now on you also would like to involve in the financial matters.
Lastly, stop worrying and be happy .
All the best:thumbsup

 

Hi vvvvvv,

can i ask you something...even though MIL,PIL are financially strong and healthy -- SON & DIL is struggling, then also its son's responsibility to spend money on MIL,PIL & SIL 's expense? That too here MIL is making SON buy clothes for whole world. So, you as saying as soon as SON grows parents should not be thinking about SON welfare,its ends as soon as SON becomes married man.
People may like your response. But, here your response has no value..i think. Your response is good for DIL's who are ignoring MIL's family and putting MIL's, PIL's in old age homes, but not to DIL's who are struggling ....i am sorry if your are offended.
What you want to teach children, i m taking care of you, so after you grow..whether you are struggling or not ..i don't care ..you have to take care of me.. i am sorry..its not what we have to teach children....we have teach children, to help each other in need. Parents,who are in good position, can help a married son - if he is not doing well, married son is doing well i agree its Son's responsibility to care his mother,father and siblings if they are not married..your response is good in this case, ...both are not doing good...both should talk to each other and decide what can be done (here i agree SON can struggle more then his parents as he is young and parents are older)....that it...not like Parents-i helped you..SON,you help me..even though your struggling and i don't care.......sorry.

Thanks

 

renegade,

Why are you not responding??

 

Hello Renegrade,

Sorry, i carried away....

I go with ARIES21. talk to your husband. Do it slowly, whenever you hubby is in good mood. Show him by saving , how it gonna help him and his family and end tell him ,how it gonna help you and your children (good men always put parents first, forgets the fact that wife is also like his mom, who needs little love, care, also can manage and give & take decisions ) . Have expenses calculated. Also, tell him as your thinking to start family and education and all, managing finances is important. Now, that your MIL ,FIL & SIL are financially stable, its right time to concentrate on our own carrier and family. Once, both of us land in god job, we can spend lots of money on your parents in future.