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Husband only listens to controlling SIL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by ladymeow, Jan 4, 2012.

  1. ladymeow

    ladymeow New IL'ite

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    :helpHi friends!

    This is my first post.

    I have been married for five years. Ours was arranged marriage. From the beginning of my marriage my ILS and my DH kept distance with my parents (no reasons).

    I have no children yet. I got pregnant twice first time miscarriage and then had ectopic pregnancy. I also suffer from PCOD and under medication. 

    After few months of my marriage my ILS started taunting and being sarcastic with me behind my DH and sweet in front of him. I don’t know why I am really nice and well behaved till now with them.

    When I complained to DH regarding this he said I think negative.

    My one and only elder SIL is married ,well settled and has a child.

    Her husband is doing good.

    My SIL and ILS live very close to each other. I and DH stays in different state since my marriage becoz of his posting.

    From the beginning my SIL never accepted me. She wud be very quiet in the beginning my behavior was normal with her. She wud only talk to my DH, only call him and not talk to me. In the beginning I wud call her ,talk to her at time she wud sarcastic with me or wud not talk properly. she wud never call me. Then I stopped calling her.

    My SIL is the Queen of my ILS and DH whatever and whenever she demands, commands is at her service. She and her husband most of the time stay in my ILS house. My MIL normally has trouble cooking when I am with her but has no problem cooking different lunch and dinner for her DD and her ILS.

    My FIL is retired and my DH financially supports them too. Knowing all this my SIL keeps on demanding expensive gifts for herself, her son, her husband and even her ILS. Twice once a year her son with my ILS since he is not 11 years old comes to our place during his school holidays by air(return also with ILS). DH spends like anything on him. Credit bills go high.

    I have to scarifice my happiness for my SIL and her demands.

    Since my DH cannot say the word NO to her. I don’t know why?

    SIL husband is there to fullfill her needs still my DH gives her priority.

    According to DH oven is luxury item fine I agree. Then we needed a shoe rack according to him this is also a luxury item. But purchasing a play station 2 for SIL son is not luxury item?

    DH discusses all private matters with SIL even regarding my pregnancy and related matters to it which I mentioned earlier.

    She has taken advantage of this. When I got pregnant second time my DH was away other state and I was at my ILS house at that time as usual my SIL was also in her parents house. As instructed by my husband I had to show my pregnancy results to ILS and SIL. The pregnancy kit result came positive but not accurate. My SIL got a golden chance to hurt me. She told me and then latter with mirch masala to my ILS that I can NEVER get pregnant. Becoz of my earlier condition PCOD. No doctor ever told me I can never get pregnant and also this was my second pregnancy. ILS got a chance to taunt me. Then after few days I went to my parents house and pregnancy results came positive. My SIL never wished me and sounded upset. Unfortunately I had ectopic pregnancy and had to go for laparoscopy emergency surgery.

    SIL also told my private matters to other relatives. DH got aware about this and discussed with me. I told all this to DH he told she has a right to have opinion and she is not wrong. I am the one who is thinking negative about her. I told DH she has no right to say about my private matter to other . DH said she is important person in his life and cannot say anything to her and cannot compromise anything for her. I don’t know what to do. SIL is controlling my lives and happiness. Please help me. Thanks!
     
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  2. HIMAA

    HIMAA New IL'ite

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    Visit a good clinical psychologist or psychiatrist with ur family members.There are problems(thinking pattern, behavioral response modification,decision making,life skills etc) to be corrected from all including you.Happy life!
     
  3. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    ladymeow, you have to talk to your husband in a strong way. my SIL is 100% like yours. we can never think of saying anything to her as they are the queens. sure we will be sent out if something happens like that. I also faced all those things (same play station to her son and so much jewels to her daughter, flight trips to native etc). but after 5 yrs of I marriage I understood we cannot save anything if I keep quiet. i started fighting with my husband slowly. in the beginning I told slowly. then slowly increased the fights. Later I strongly told, if this is going to happen and if you want to spend everything for her, you should have lived unmarried. but you dint so, i need all your money....etc. Because of all these slowly he understood his sister expects more and he cannot do all. as we have 2 kids we have our own expenses and so he understood fast.

    so in your case also talk to your husband. during the whole fight times I dint show anything to my SIL and inlaws. I was so cool and as usual friendly with them. THIS IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO SAVE OUR LIFE.

    you know about your husband well and so start talking to him when he is in cool mood.
     
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  4. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    the next time you become pregnant tell your dh that you will reveal this to everyone after 3 months.if he doesn't accept just tell him that you will not tell anything more to him and will not tell any private matter in future.just tell him that you will be like a friend to him as you dont like his behaviour.reg your IL's do not complain to your DH.either just ignore them or give back to them when they talk but do not complain.also reg money check if you can suggest some saving methods to DH and ask him to invest in it for both of you so that you need not worry about spending on SIL son.
     
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  5. ladymeow

    ladymeow New IL'ite

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    thanks soooo much for all your suggestions!
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2012
  6. ladymeow

    ladymeow New IL'ite

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    thanks sooo much daffny:) for your suggestion I will try doing but DH is very much attached to his sister.I just want to break her controlling behavior and her expenses. She emotionally takes advantage of DH (DH is emotional) She say something to DH,her tears and then DH listens only to her.
     
  7. ladymeow

    ladymeow New IL'ite

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    thank you so much JGVR I can't hide regarding pregnancy from him. I had also told him after my second preg loss that please dont tell private matters to SIL.He said ILS will tell.I told DH dont tell ILS he told me thay are family.
     
  8. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    ladtmeow, really your situation looks difficult. but dont lose your hopes. try to be more close to your husband and get his love and attention. although he is very much attached to his sis he will sure have a place for you in his life. make use of that in a nice way. do few things for your family (you and your husband) so that he understands you are now different family and he has more responsibilities in that. dont involve your mother also in any family matters and behave as you are the decision maker in your family for small things. ask his opinions and involve him in every small matters at home. always try to make him feel you are a individual family now and you have your own duties now.

    be friendly with inlaws as much as possible. dont involve them in each and everything. if he involves tghem or discusses with them , dont interfere. but keep talking or complaining abt your SIL in a playful way. tell it with a smile for 99% times and then tell 1% time THAT YOU DONT LIKE. make your fights minimum in the beginning. one or the other day he will sure understand how unreasonable his sister's demands are.

    tell your common or your husband's savings or properties they have bought saved......what you couldnt save without involving SIL's demands in this. he should understand by himself in this which is very important. although it looks difficult after getting children this will become easy to you. all the best dear.
     
  9. pooja912

    pooja912 Silver IL'ite

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    oh lord..poor you..i don't understand why do SIL's behave in such a fashion!!!! Well, you really have to stand strong and tell your husband very clearly that you guys also have a life..so he shouldn't be revealing everything to his family members and you need space..keep telling him I think slowly and steadily he will understand!!
     
  10. ladymeow

    ladymeow New IL'ite

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    Thanks sooo much for your help daffny and pooja912 :)
     

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