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husband is slave in the hands of neighbours

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by rharini8182, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. rharini8182

    rharini8182 Senior IL'ite

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    Dear friends, We purchased one new flat in our city...Two days before our house warming ceremony our opposite house people also conducted their house warming ceremony...That was the first introduction we had and they were very nice at the beginning...That family consists of a father, mother, two sons eldest son working in abroad and the next son is studying m.tech in our same city...This house was bought by the eldest son...He used to come here only after 6 months...But this family use to come all the month and stay for one week to ten days and leave. Actually they had not made any comforts in their home and they used to borrow frequently from our home for those days..They are having their own house in the same city...It is just 4 kms from this new house...They used to borrow most of the kitchen utensils, chairs from our house only. For the first two or three times i was okay with it...But they used to come all the month for 10 days stay. They never hesitate to use our refrigerator. I am okay if they are keeping only milk and curd. But they used to keep vegetables for one week, fruits for one week, flowers, milk, curd, pickles and even their left over sambar, chutney, upma etc. They used to ring the bell 10 to 12 times in a day to take things from refrigerator. I told my husband. But he didn't take it serious. Now 9 months had gone. I got pregnant once we got this flat..And when my mum had got out for one week to my hometown to purchase things for my valaikappu they came to stay here..They told me don't cook anything for morning and afternoon and u and ur husband can take breakfast and lunch at our home itself. I felt somewhat shy and hesitated to go to their home for food for one week. But out of compulsion i went. My husband told okay and he was happy. He used to go there in the morning for breakfast and leave for office. I used to go both morning and afternoon. I told them that i don't want to have this type of treatment as i was active during my pregnancy and i can cook nicely. But i can understand their feelings that they want to occupy the whole refrigerator for one week. And as i had expected the whole refrigerator was stuffed up by their things. Half of my kitchen vessels was used by them. I used to prepare only dinner.
    Then after one week my father and mother came. At the same day my husband uncle and aunt also came. I told this lady on the previous day itself but she came with a big vessel which consists of so many left over of the previous day rice, sambar and curry to keep it in our fridge. I refused as we had purchased vegetables, milk etc for the guests and for our parents and i said her in a polite voice to keep it in our ground floor neighbours house for one day. But she got upset and went. Then my husband went to their house to invite them for valaikappu. It happened in our house only. Since so many guests are coming here my husband asked whether i can send some five people to stay in your house just for two days. But since the aunty was angry with me she told that we are going to stay there for another one week during your wife valaikappu and u can send ur guests to our home for two days. My husband also understand that if they stay here for one week it will be our responsibility to lend everything including refrigerator to keep their stuffs. But since it is valaikaapu, from my husband family 6 people came one week before the function and stayed in our house itself. From my side my mum and dad only. Hence we had decided to call the opposite house people for one week to have food for one week at our home itself to minimize their disturbance. We had appointed a maid for cooking. MY god...u will never believe...they used to came here for one week along with their eldest son who came at that time from abroad and used to take food , water including tea, coffee, snacks from our home only. They never helped us for anything. Just for two days only my husband asked them since there was no lodges or guest house for stay nearby my husband asked them. And also all the wedding hall was full at the time of my valaikaapu they conducted the ceremony at my home itself since it had a big hall. Now their next visit will be around my due date.
    I don't like their frequent disturbance. I told this to my husband also. My point is that if they want to come and stay here frequently let them have their own arrangements..1) whether it is fair to borrow routine things from neighbours 2) it is fair to knock the door frequently to disturb them 3) If the neighbour had helped u a lot why u cant help them just for two days when a function was there at their home and they really need help.
    My husband like that uncle very much and he used to chat with him nicely. Now for their eldest son marriage got fixed. Yesterday they called my husband and told that we need a lot of help from your home for my son's marriage. My husband told okay. Even though i am okay with it i cant digest. As they used to receive all the help from our home and used to disturb us often. That aunty want my house door to be open always whenever they are coming to walk and go frequently. Sometime she will never return the vessels which she had borrowed also. When asked she will tell since you are having another set of vessels i didn't return. I felt annoyed sometimes. Totally embarrassed by these kind of peoples. But my husband used to support their family only. He will never support me even though i got disturbed by them. He knows the truth. Even though they are having enough money they are not willing to spend and they never hesitate to borrow. But my husband will give whereas i don't like this type of frequent lending. My husband used to go to their house often and chat with them. They will talk very well to my husband.

    I want my husband to get convinced and understand my feelings. I don't want my husband to chat with them so nicely for hours and visit their home unnecessary. I want him to give importance only to his family and not others. How i can do..? For the neighbours son marriage why my husband should do all their work and why not they can have their own arrangements. My husband weakness is that he used to spend nicely. But nobody will help him in return.For which my husband will also never bother. These people are taking advantage of it and aiming to get all things done by my husband. I dont want my husband to go to their house and work like a slave to them.Not only with this neighbour but also most of our resident does not have proper internet connection and they used to come and make use of our PC to send email, chating, book tickets etc and our internet bill is hiking up. But my husband is least bothered about it. If it is for 10 minutes i am okay but it is for 1 hour and more than that i am bothered.These people will never give even monthly maintainance of the flat properly but they used to come and dominate me here.
    I like the helping tendency of my husband but i feel that there should be some limit to it. Am i right or wrong...? Kindly guide me.
     
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  2. kishoremommy

    kishoremommy Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't understand what is the necessity of pleasing this people.O.K.Say that you are tired when they knock the door next time.Since,you are pregnant,they should understand.Each and every time, tell that you were sleeping and open after 5 minutes.

    You have already given a lot of unnecessary comfort to them.Now,its going to be a little difficult to avoid them in a polite way.Stop borrowing anything, even out of necessity.Don't eat at their house.When your baby comes your first priority should be your baby and not these people.

    The more you nag or fight with your husband on this issue ,the more he will go and talk.Engage him in some other ways.Go out for walk together or see movies at home together.Chat with him nicely or even browse together.When they knock the door,tell him casually,"Ah!started troubling.what to do?" or "Do something. They are doing this all the time". He will start feeling that they are intruding your privacy and it is his responsibility to keep you comfortable.

    Share your problem with your mom.Elders know excellent ways to handle these kind of selfish,pestering,people out of their experience.

    Try it out and update.
     
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  3. cj1980

    cj1980 Gold IL'ite

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    THIS is a classic example of approval addiction! Your present arrangement sounds bizarre and very unhealthy. Please know your boundaries and make sure your neighbours know them too. It will be quite difficult to establish these boundaries as you have (literally!) given them room in your personal home space. However, the sooner you do it the better. Firmly but politely say that, now that you have your baby on the way, you will need the FULL USE of your refrigerator. Refuse to share utensils and other personal items saying you may need it as you will have visitors and family staying over. Most importantly, if they keep ringing your doorbell, simply don't answer! Hopefully they will get the message!
     
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  4. Mahanu

    Mahanu Silver IL'ite

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    On one pretext or other, lock your house and go out, when they are staying there. Dont even hint them when you are going out, otherwise they may ask for your house keys. Either go to some temple or a movie or some relative / friend's house or some shopping. I know it will be difficult for you at this stage of pregnancy. But I think your absence for sometime at random will send them the message.

    They will automatically find it difficult to carry out their daily chores when your house is locked for longer durations. I think that will solve the problem soon.
     
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  5. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    I am a great proponent of direct talk BUT I don't think it will work with these people. The thing that springs to my mind is you can tell one of them that you have been coughing and the doctor is concerned and you are not allowed to share in the kitchen until the tests come back in case you have TB. Seems that should scare them off although who knows with that type of person.
     
  6. GeethaMR

    GeethaMR Silver IL'ite

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    [​IMG]

    Take a colour poster of this and laminate it and have it on your door.:)
     
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  7. Saumyamom

    Saumyamom Silver IL'ite

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    ha ha ha Geetha that was hillarious!
     
  8. mybaby1

    mybaby1 Gold IL'ite

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    hi rharini,

    i think its high time for you to take things in your hand. i think you r a house wife and are at home all the time. just tell your husband that you are alone at home so dont like disturbance and as you are pregnant you need peace and proper rest.
    just distribute the work like husband is responsible for the outdoor works you are for the household things.so house is your responsibility so let you handle the things.
    just ask your husband not to invite any tom dick and harry to your home for using your personal things.if they need so badly everything is available in the market..politely and slowly cut down this lending relation with your neighbours..everytime they come just ask them to get their own stuff as now they will have to come everymonth.
    switchoff the fridge when they come n say that its not working...pls call some mechanic if you want to keep your things...
    keep the door closed...let them ring the bell...dont open ...when asked say i was sleeping or watching tv on loud voice so didnt heard bell...
    as per internet say its not working...and tell tehre are nearbys internet cafe go there...n dont forget to tell them that how much bill has come for internet and electricity..

    neighbours son marriage work they have their younger son he can work..make your husband understand that we are thier neighbours not their family so just behave like that & be in his limits.it would not be nice to be so involved in there family affairs..

    for sure these people are talking to your husband sweetly to get their motive fulfilled of getting things done and not spending a penny. i have seen a number of people like this you really have to be sometimes very straight & sometimes very smart to deal with them.
    now your husband talk to him about all this in a calm but firm way...and if things go this way just threaten him emotionally that you cannot live with all this, you will go to your parents or your inlaws, be with these aunty and uncle and neighbours they are more important to you than your wife and baby...(not seriously get angry,)

    try some of the tricks i think will may be helpful to you n then do let me know what was the result... :)
     
  9. rharini8182

    rharini8182 Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you friends for your reply...i recently delivered one baby boy last month hence i cant respond immediately...anyway i will try my best to sort out this delicate issue.. Recently their eldest son came here. He asked my husband help to take out a steel cot which was in their bedroom for a long time. Later my husband and their son carried the steel cot till the ground floor and shifted into a van which was standing outside.

    When my husband asked for the reason to take it back he came to know that the cot was borrowed from their neighbour long time back and since they asked to return the same he came there to take it. Somehow my hubby got shocked as he came to know that these people will never hesitate to even borrow cot from others and use it.Now my husband is slowly realizing...let us hope for the best.
     
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  10. deepa10

    deepa10 Gold IL'ite

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    OMG!! What a family????!!!!
     

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