Husband has changed

sushma28 · Feb 24, 2012

Hello All,

It's been 9 months of my marriage. I am a vegetarian and my husband's family eats NV. I flew to US immediately after marriage i.e., 10 days. During that time I stayed with my in laws for 3 days hardly. I never liked my mother in law's cooking as she was stingy with ingredients viz., watery tea, watery dal etc. Once I came to US I started cooking for my husband. He liked my way of cooking initially for 10-15 days. One fine day my MIL called us and asked me if am making Chicken for her son. I said I cant make (my husband has been abroad for 11 years n knows cooking) and my husband himself can cook. With this my husband got angry and whole day he did not talk to me. On asking he said you cant cook what your husband wants. That day onwards the fights started between us. He never helps me with any of the house hold chores, he thinks I cant cook NV so I have to take care of rest all (Even when I am not well). A new bride packing rice, dal, sabzi, rasam, curd and making south Indian BF by 7 AM and listening to all cribbing about the tastes was sickening. This became story of every day. After 3 months the cribbing turned to filthy abusive language saying I am unable to satisfy him on bed. He has been rude to me from day one on bed. Once he was hurt and took me to the doc, she said I am perfectly alright and gave us some tips which never went into his head. Only knowledge he gained is the doc suggested me to use lubricant and it was because I have problem. So far no physical relationship between us and the abusive language never stopped. Mean while to take the grudge on keeping a check on what I like, he stopped buying coconut and butter (which I use for baking and to make ghee for diyas). He wanted me to throw away both which was there at home. Now we are meeting a group of his colleagues both veggies an NVs n he asks in front of everybody, can anybody make my wife cook NV? Few of them who came home individually have started asking me in front of him to cook NV, for which my answer will be no and with that this person becomes angry. He pokes me every now and then 'you cant cook food for your husband', 'you cant satisfy your husband'...and the cribbing will be non stop for 30 mins to one hour. Do not really know what kind of problem he is facing. Now my BIL is planning to shift to our place and may stay for few months, my husband's concern is he cant cook in front of his brother because of ego problems. Do not know how to correct him or put him to the right track of being an understanding husband. Please suggest and guide me across.... Forgot to write these days he puts the recorder on before going to office. Have no clue why he is doing this...

blessbabydust · Feb 24, 2012

sushma
i believe the first option can be solved very easily :-
1. First problem :- why cant you learn non veg cooking ? you dont need to eat them but cook them . ( i never drank tea but i learnt to make tea for my husband and his family because they love them )
2. Second problem :- it will get solved if you satisfy his tummy ... way to mans heart is through his tummy
3. Third problem is linked to all these problem so i woul suggest is to learn cooking .

my life experience never have ego between your partner also there is no harm in been a giver and not taker there is lot of satisfaction until these problem goes away try not to expect anything back from your husband . I know it is hard but this is only solution for your problem .

Try chanting this therapy when he next to him (chant mentally ) - I love you please forgive me thank you sorry ... for 21 days without fail things will change and same with your husbands attitude ..

Surprise him by cooking something nice like chicken fry ( you can google and find and also browse sailsus kitchen )...

rpm2 · Feb 24, 2012

Sushma,

I personally think your husband is frustrated with intimacy problems and that frustration is leading to raking up trivial issues. What is the real problem with your intimacy. Is he abusive physically or are you just not relaxed? If you are newly married and not been able to consumate your marriage, then you need to solve it.

Others might be able to help you with more info.

sushma28 · Feb 24, 2012

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lochu · Feb 24, 2012

Hi Sushma28

As blessed suggested the only way to satisfy your husband is that you try to atleast cook NV for him .I know you have aproblem of puking but the best way to win your DH 's love is to cook that he loves,Initially everything is hard but life is always go by give and take policy .Instead of trying to change your husband's attitude try to change yours and try to cook or make atleast a genuine attempt that you are trying to satisfy him in cooking as well in bed and then see him change .MY DS said this to me coming back from school ."Treat others with the same love and respect that you are expecting in return " Right now your DH is just plain dissapointed and he thinks by taking away thinsg you love you will be forced to do the things that he likes thats why this problem .

ALL the Best .

justanothergirl · Feb 24, 2012

I completely disagree . Your DH is being unreasonable. There are alteast 3 ways he can eat NV without your having to cook it for him.
He can 1) get it home cooked from a neighborhood caterer 2) Eat out in a rest 3) Cook himself at home.
I see no reason why you should be forced to cook something when you have a physical aversion to it.

Your husband is an abuser and he needs an excuse to abuse you.First it was NV then its ur intimacy issues.
Be firm and dont let him raise his hand on you EVER . Dont call ur FIL...call 911.
A 200 lb cop knocking on the front door will drive some sense into him.
Next insist on counseling.

SriVidya75 · Feb 24, 2012

Is yours love / arranged marriage?have you checked about these food habits before the weddding? also is it that your family also eats NV but you just dont eat it? I didnt understand this gap of why you got married into a family who eats non veg when you are so against it.

justanothergirl · Feb 24, 2012

Sri
Regardless of whether its love /arranged/ what she knew or didn't before marriage...
when a wife has a physical aversion to cooking meat and there are N ways he can eat it I think OPs husband is being unreasonable in insisting her to cook it. She is not stopping him from cooking or eating ..she just says she cant cook and that's totally reasonable as long as she is doing her fair share of cooking and taking care of other things in the house.

justanothergirl · Feb 24, 2012

sushma28 said: ↑

Forgot to write these days he puts the recorder on before going to office. Have no clue why he is doing this...
Click to expand...

Hmm...did not see this before ...Very disturbing .....what is the recorder? Are u being monitored? Web cam surveillance?

hobbes83 · Feb 24, 2012

I don't understand some of the suggestions/ advice given here.

If OP asks her husband to do something that is completely out of character for him and doesn't make him comfortable.. Would he do it?

Why is she the one who is expected to compromise on making the marriage work? Learning to cook NV can be an exception but considering his other actions, he is being pretty unreasonable.