Husband Enjoys being a bachelor.

coolpinky · Jul 8, 2013

Yes I should call him bachelor henceforth. Because he loves being a good so. He loves being a good brother.
He doesnt make an attempt to be a good husband. One step towards my side is worth ten steps towards his people.
I was happy when he left all his work and reached home early when I fell sick. This has happened two weeks back.
But even now he is compensating for that. By not coming to my room untill late nights.
He likes being with his brother. He likes to crack jokes with him. He has topics of politics and cricket to discuss with his father.
About cooking and relatives with his mother. And about everything with his brother. But to talk to me, he has no topic left. He just goes blank when he comes to me.
To him being with me is just staying under the same roof , irrespective of if we are having our own personal time. I sometimes seriously feel that giving up my sleeping hours
is the only solution for this?
His mom thoroughly enjoys when her son is totally devoted to "HER" Family ignoring his wife.
His bro doesnt even hesitate to stop him at the downstairs itself in the name of career discussions.
The more I look towards DH the more the affection grows for brother and mother.
All the long faces at home has turned into bright 1000W electric bulbs. Reason being DH completly avoiding me and is making evident to everyone at home.
It has reached an extended version this time. DH taunts me infront of everyone for silly things which never happened before. If I respond then there would be another
town hall session for which his bro would be an additional guest this time. Who knows he may turn out into a participant too.
Guys are guys. They go to any extent to please their own people at the cost of their married life.
However it doesnt bother me much now a days. It is upto him to realise that he is loosing all the precious time in his life.

Mahajanpragati · Jul 8, 2013

old habits & old loyalities cannot be changed quickly.
try to chaat with him on phone in afternoon lunch time,send emails, sms ,skype .....
try to show interest in whatever he is interested in so that he feels eager to share those things with you.
when together don't complain about his family taking too much of his time as that wll only increse distance & make him resentful............

nicegirlradhi · Jul 8, 2013

Sorry pinky if i sound too rude. But your husband is an INSENSITIVE JERK.

Sorry again, cant help it

ShilpaMa · Jul 8, 2013

CP, I've lived that phase....
What helps is ignoring H and giving importance to even a roadside dog.... and becoming physically, emotionally and financially independent.

For public humiliations... at times when it crosses my bounds I shut him up... we do bark like dogs and then there's a pin drop silence for few months........ for a lot of times... I mumble abuses like him... but I make sure... he's treated as a trash ... the way he's done to me............

I socialize with apt folks... if he's back when am around I leave him T/snacks and leave home with kids to chit chat with others/ walk/ cycling, if he's hooked on to phone or anything during our dinner time, I leave him to be him... and when his parents are arnd... he's more than welcome to have QUALITY time with them...... I eat with kids and go to bed... I keep his plate served on the table.... after seeing all this, my MIL stopped serving him snacks just before dinner, cos she can't stand her son to be the LAST person to eat food... she finds it close to a servant/DIL behaviour.... I come back when all are dead tired... so we go straight to sleep... he's more than ok with being a bachelor and no responsibility... and nothing can be changed... unless these men want to change themselves and realize that they need to make some efforts now.

sarajara · Jul 8, 2013

Coolpinky,

I think he is in to some unwanted sermons on you.. Otherwise why should some one be more towards siblings and mother when life partner contributes so much?

Give him a dose of his own medicine.. act as if you are least bothered about him.. may be your BIL and MIL be happy for some time.. but definitely not ur DH.. there would be atleast some feeling that he is not getting your attention..

dont worry dear.. things would settle soon..

Be strong.. All the best!

chotabheem · Jul 8, 2013

CP, I have read almost all your posts and really feel bad for you. But why do you wanna live such a life? Why dont you treat all of them the same way they treat you? Please stand up for yourself, be firm about your needs and see if it helps. Otherwise I would say walk out. Having seen similar things in my cousin's life, she was a total door mat even after studying MS and living at the US; things reached a saturation point one day and she just walked out of the marriage and belv me she is very very happy now.
I felt that she could have been more firm abt her wants and needs and the way she is treated and this could have saved her marriage. So i would also suggest the same thing to you.. to treat them the way they treat you and live your life as you want it.

strangegirl · Jul 8, 2013

I do not read your history, but trying to reply from what you have written above. Sorry if my response goes irrelevant.. If so, kindly disregard it. Okay?

If I were you, I would try my best to bring him back to my side.

Why not to voluntarily avail yourself in his talking with whomsoever?
Just go to the living hall, and contribute your 2 cents on his talks with his brother, his dad and mom too. Just blabber yourself with whatever the knowledge you have on those subjects. I am sure, being a 21st century girl, you know about cricket, career, cooking and what not... So, try contributing to their discussions.

Be around with your husband all the time and do not hide yourself in the bedroom till he comes late night.
Your in laws (BIL, SIL, MIL and FIL) would feel insecure to openly discuss a few things with your husband in front of you, so they will try to shorten their conversations.

The more you wait for your husband, the less you get him. So, take him as the way others are doing. Your long waiting and this irritated mind itself a huge success to your in laws. They will prolong this extended chatting just to hurt you more. So.. even though you are tired, do not hide yourself into your bedroom until your husband joins you. Just pretend as if you are also enjoying the group chat..

Do not show your weakness to your enemies. That's their strength.

coolpinky · Jul 8, 2013

@mahajanpragati: Dh is of a kind who will not entertain anybody nor likes to be entertained. There will be no calls, sms's emails between us unless it is very much required during the office hours.
I never complain him about ILs. I always tell him that we have problems among ourselves and we need to solve them first. They are not taking time from him. Infact he is giving all his time to them.
It all works on reverse gear concept. When he is not paying any attention to them, they do tend attract his attention by making long and sorrow faces. And when they have his full attention they dont bother to respond.
@sarajara : Yes I am ignoring him for now. Even I dont have anything to talk to him. Even if i talk i will not get an answer which is more than a nod.
@chotabheem : That would be the extreme step in my life. DH is not that bad to call off this relationship. He doesnt know how to balance and differentiate the relationships.
@strangegirl: I would there in the hall with everybody untill the dinner is over. They would pretend as if i dont exist. And the reason why I come back to my room after dinner is that I would be very tired with my days schedule
and atleast I can strech myself and sit in my room as I like. I used to be awake untill DH comes. But now I dont coz he come after 45 mins to one hour.

ohara · Jul 8, 2013

Hi Coolpinky,

Reading your story, I am surprised at how close it is to my situation as well except for the taunting part.

I have tried participating in their discussions. For 5 mins it will delve on common topics and then move on to topics like their work, relatives which will eventually only be murmured amongst themselves and I would be sitting just there all by myself. So, this did not really work for me.

Now after my son sleeps, I just try to catch up on sleep or indulge in some favourite pastime like watching movie or listening to music or attend classes for online courses. The latter has helped with soothing down my waiting-for-DH nerves. On weekends, I take my son out for parks, malls or wherever and leave the doting parents and son at home to talk more, discuss more or whatever.

When time permits, I make plans for lunch/movie on work days so I can spend some undivided time with DH. Also, I try to plan some outing on days or to places that I know that PILs would not be able/like to attend - some more couple time.

Earlier I had mentioned to DH that I wanted someone to come back home and share my day with. He asked me to share with his mom like he does, then if there is time - with him!!!! So, I understood that the desire to talk should be mutual.