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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    OP ,
    Dont worry too much on his words on divorce. May be he uttered those words to win the argument. If you are worried too much , you can consult a lawyer. But I dont think he can take your kids away. Laws in USA are much considerate towards kids. They dont send them with an alcoholic father. To gain joint custody also he need to prove that he is not alchoholic. If he go for divorce, he will be a looser, he has to give you his hard earned money, ailmony, then primary custody of kids.. I believe. He knows very well that you are not going to leave him so easy.

    Look at your life and issue with a neutral perspective.

    PILs issues- its past,you cannot do anything about it. Leave it and focus on your married life. Only thing you can do in future is keep a hi bye relationship for the sake of your dh. It's not wise to waste your precious time by thinking about them. Let them think what they want . You dont need their good certificate to succeed in life

    Gc/ citizenship/ job- You should focus on these if you want to continue in USA. Plan well, schedule your life better, try to find job even if its small. That will lead you to better ones . Being financially independent gives you much confidence to continue or quit marriage.

    If your decision is to stay in this marriage you need to change the way you approach the issues. Right now you are driveway your husband by these never ending fights and arguments. He is responsible for many of these issues. But you need to find ways to improve the situation to create a peaceful home. Even though its unfair, sometimes we can't expect the partner to contribute 50% in efforts.


    Alchoholism- only he can change this. You cannot. Please accept it. The change should come from him . So why dont you take a 180 turn in your approach. You need to have lot of patience and strength to do it.

    Completely stop talking or commenting about his drinking or his parents ,your parents etc... reduce talking. Talk only the kids/home related stuff. Live as if you are a single mother with kids. Dont expect that he will volunteer to do anything. If you need any help ask him. Dont hesitate. Focus on you and your kids as if you dont need him . Be busy with your own things and build your life.. let him tell what ever he wants. Just don't respond if not needed as if you are not interested in him. Avoid urge to fight or argue. Just treat him like a house mate. Do this for few months. Let him get curious. When wife is available full time they take them for granted. Let him miss you. Let him feel that you gave up on him . During this time plan for your future, try to find job, improve yourself. Be a confident avatar of yourself. Remove all negativity and negative people out of your life. Be a happy person. It's like taking a break from marriage. I am sure it will give you chance to introspect your own actions.

    Your DH- you said he is a good provider and father. Utilise that positives. His main negative is alcoholism. If you do the steps above, he may introspect his behavior. He need to take steps to stop it. Only he can do it. Now his parents are not with you, so just neglect his dealings with his side of the family. You have your own life to focus.

    I have noticed that when there is no peace in home , some men seek happiness outside by going out with friends or other ways. They want to avoid the frustrated wife. You have mentioned about his ex. Dont give any importance unless you have any solid evidence. Thinking about all those, will add more fuel to your problems.

    If you really want to continue in this marriage, then its important to provide a loving home to kids. In that case, you cannot ignore your relationship with dh. Neglecting sexual needs of husband, is a foolish thing many women make especially if dh is much interested in it. They need it to connect with wife. Its the glue. If you enjoy it even by a few percentage, go for it. But make a condition that he has to come to you without drinking even a drop of it. Why you expect him to hug you. You can do it. Make sure you hug or kiss often when he is not under alcoholic influence. Appreciate any good things, enforce positive behavior if can. If you deny sex, he will be more distant, can get angry often, get irritated, find other ways to release it and can focus more on alchohol. For women emotional connection is needed, for them physical bonding. So be practical. This is the department your PILs or others cannot compete.

    I have mentioned a few points. But prioritize your needs and focus on one by one . No one is perfect. Every one faces one problem or another. You know your life better. I feel that you should focus on you, your kids, your job, your health more than wasting time on others.

    Once you gain your confidence back, if you want to continue in this marriage, may be you can work on it. As you had good relationships with dh before, you can start fresh leaving past behind. If you think a professional can help seek that too.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
    SCA, lazy, BhumiBabe and 4 others like this.
  2. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, really sorry for what you are going through. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers. You said you dated and lived together , and he seemed like a wonderful man. Was he putting on an act then or did you ignore some obvious red flags.Or did he actually change . Asking this because I can't imagine how painful it is to get divorced once, think you have found true love and then find that its not working. I think first step get your parents on ur side. Blood is thicker than water , no matter what they love you more than ur dh.
     
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  3. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Wow. Such wise words:clap2:
     
  4. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi DDream thank u. U raised very good points at every scenario. I shall implement those. In the heat of argument I loose it all, when In calm state of mind I feel what all I should be doing where I went wrong. I am unable to control my anger that strained our relationship this bad. I fought my depression all alone and all the bitterness from past keeps coming back and I end up loosing control over things and show frustration. while I see other couples around going through ivfs or kids born w problems, I always felt blessed that I have two beautiful kids for the rest of my life to live, and that too from second marriage for both of us. And with these arguments when he threatens separating them from me I get all agitated and heated up, get anxious and weak. He knows my weak point and often uses against me. I wanted to peacefully take care of kids while the kids get in good shape To put them in daycare then think about job. But doesn’t look like it’s possible I am scared of not able to spend my time w kids while he’s good in his career and takes breaks when needed and spends lot of time w kids while I am always occupied w work around.
    he did not just threaten, now things have gotten even more worse that he removed his ring for the first time after our marriage and says it’s done.
    He did use bad words against my family always, and I cursed him back at his mom as he’s trying to separate me from my kids. For him his mom is the only mother of universe and I am no where qualifier for my kids and doesn’t respect me as a wife at all. All the respect goes towards his family and keeps repeating he would leave me but not his parents or siblings. How can anyone feel like patching up when given such importance to folks but not wife.
    In his dictionary wife is a replaceable material but not a blood relation
    He did same way in the past. He kicked his ex out for the same reason as she could r keep terms w his folks.
     
  5. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shreema. Thanks for the positive words and yeah word to word same feeling.. I thought exactly same that I found what I lost.
    Such painful to even imagine. And poor kids what’s their mistake.
    I ignored red flags in the past as he kept assured me he will change for good and always was very loving and caring. Don’t know like a switch he changed the opposite after his folks stepped in. We bought town home when blessed w first kid. Soon after their entry they brainwashed him in vacating and we all had to vacate in no time and he gave the reason of changing job. But his mom kept dictating to why he bought a house or did my gc or even care any bit about me. She would get all jealous and feed him to correct it immediately and he keeps obeying her words till date. But I also get a feeling he only does things when he also feels the same. With that little doubt he gets all the support by them to make it happen.
     
  6. SinghManisha

    SinghManisha Platinum IL'ite

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    AmulB,
    Are you close to getting your GC ? If you divorce before the GC application is approved, chances are your application is no longer valid.

    If your GC processing is at least 5-10 yrs ( or more), are you willing to put up with threats of divorce, drinking drama everyday ?

    Make a new year resolution to achieve financial independence , in any case. For that you need some help from husband with watching kids etc. So lie low and keep things quiet in the marriage. Get started with a part time job to build resume and contacts. Once you feel confident about career and child care options, you can decide what you want to do with the marriage etc.

    Kids are a blessing, so do focus all your happy energy on them and less on the husband / in laws.

    I hope you resolve your issues. There is always light at the end of the tunnel, so please remember that.
     
  7. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Manisha,
    I got my gc just few months back and I can work without any issues. Just that career took back seat after kids as I had two back to back and very much occupied by taking care of them
    Yes i can keep calm and do my things and look for a job what Incase he rushes with the divorce papers I don’t know the process how long it takes and when kids r involved I’m scared to even hear the d word as it’s not first time. How can I concentrate when all this is going on. I have to prepare for a new technology as what I worked on is no more in the market. I need to sort my options.. thanks
     
  8. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    You should think about long term goal and stop doing tit for tat . As @SinghManisha said you need his support to sail through this tide . List down his good qualities. Think how you can get help from him during this phase . Try to pretend that you are not affected by his attacks . I think he is getting a kick out of abusing you and provoking you . Instead using me your energy positively . Tell him that you feel bad for him since all the financial burden is on him and you want to reduce it by working. Make him understand that you both are team . Don’t complain to his family . Looks like it is hitting his ego . Focus on long term goals not on short term winning battles with him . Considering he has filed for gc and you are ready to work you should focus your energy on finding job . Your kids will be fine . Think this way once you find job he might be willing to work with you . Money changes lot of factors . And also he might feel that he is bringing home money but once you start doing it things might be different. You have work visa so start getting financial independence. Be patient when he provoked you .
    There is no point in thinking about whether bringing another kid is good or not since you cannot change it anymore . All you can do is look forward for your future . Now you are spending time with kids but there is no peace in your life . Once you get a job you can spend quality time . So forget about every other people and find job ASAP
     
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  9. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Nobody knows what he is going to do . You cannot control his actions . Even if he does it takes time so before that get a job girl . That should be your motivation.
     
  10. AmulB

    AmulB Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Mangaii thanks for all the support what u said is right he’s enjoying the kick of abusing me. While he thinks I’m a punching bag for to let out his frustration. And satisfies his ego when I say sorry to let things go.. I was pleading him not to go for divorce and what I said to his mom was not right. But he doesn’t budge, he said worst things than that to my parents and I am supposed to shrug off. He has his own rules of treating people. Sucks to seek equality in marriage. Feels like I’m killing my individuality day by day. I should’ve planned well before the storm hit. I’m so occupied w kids Espl it’s being holiday season full time on me. I shall get back to work. Thanks
     

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