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Husband Drinking Problem And Threatening Divorce After Arguments

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by AmulB, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    Excuse me for the lengthy post- as I wanted to put everything out there before u suggest.

    To give a brief. Ours was a love marriage 5 years long relationship with two kids and both r toddlers w 1.5yrs gap. I got pregnant soon after getting married and there was nothing like enjoyment time gap for honeymoon get way etc. life kept us busy since then. Before marriage we dated and lived together for couple of months here and there for 6-8months and developed good understanding. And ours is a remarriage we both were divorced and I wasn’t really looking for any love but I ended up meeting him as a wonderful man that crossed my way for good reason. My life turned to a new hope after I met him and soon he proposed etc and As everything came to decision making of marriage all agreed from my family and theirs were still reluctant and kept objecting due to some religious/astrology aspect that didn’t match. That was reason they kept pushing him not to go further w me. Fast fwd he didn’t go by their words but married me anyway... he was a nice man very understanding and respectful towards me. Soon after marriage I had some status issues and I had to quit my job and also was pregnant I had to switch to pursue mast degree to maintain my status. Things started getting rough, no job, pregnant and course work etc. I saw him drinking a lot even before marriage and never gave a thought how it would affect in future. He was out of a bad relationship and I used to Think he is just relaxing and trying to get over the phase. He kept assured me after I entered his life his depression is gone and found a new meaning and purpose to his life and always says family is important.
    But his drinking problem never stops, whether being pregnant and doing daily chores or handling small kids or while I’m struggling juggling kids alone he has his own routine of drinking daily and doing things. Which upsets me and bothers me daily. It really didn’t bother much until the things got worse between us after our second child was born. As I was having a toddler and a new born without any help and his drinking habit wouldn’t stop. All his excuses of not helping were I don’t have a job and he makes money.
    And before jumping to the present, in the past we never had any issue btw us until his parents stepped in our house after our first child was born. He assured I would get help and I can study and do my course work while his parents will be helpful and not interrupting. They came after my parents left after the baby was 3mo old. I saw a huge difference in how he treated my parents and soon when his arrived I saw a total different person altogether. He happily started to stock up groceries, which he never did while mine were there. And attention to who’s making and working in the kitchen, as it’s supposed to be me who should be doing everything for them. It seemed like they just came to make me do things as per their wish, I used to come to kitchen to make some purée for the kiddo and feed some good stuff after giving shower with oil bath and feeding for my kid, but mil always dictated me to do this and that and not let me do my own things until their bf is done and lunch is fixed and dishes r done she wouldn’t leave me alone. Do this do that etc she only treated me like a maid since day one she stepped in. My husband was just watching and not willing to listen to any of my concerns I tried conveying politely and harshly nothing worked but only backfired on me by saying what is there to do, even I would eat and work is the same. We both never had any fights until their arrival and all this dictation started,, daily my routine became like coming to kitchen fix bf for in laws cook their choice of veggies and mil would only direct but not lend any help. I slowly understood it’s not their fault but it’s my husband as he’s unable to Act as a bridge btw parents and wife and not treat equally. My kid used to just keep crying and screaming for me, having a first kid and not knowing what to expect being a elder parent don’t they have common sense that I need to have bonding w my child and always kept me occupied in kitchen for their needs and showed no love towards my kid.
    If that was the purpose of their visit it was better to stay back where they were, in India maids r cheaper and they can eat all they want. After a month or so I slowly cut down time in the kitchen and they picked a fight with me including my husband saying who will do the dishes and all the work shall be done by me whether I like it or not. I said why should only I do, they say since son has to go to work and I have to do work at home. And they all Ganged up on me and showed their real colors of how I’m dependent on them with out job. they even included my parents arranged a meeting while they were staying at my brothers place for a month and planned to leave to India. They wanted to arrange meeting by creating a fight w me while they were still in the states. They forcefully called them and my brother and make them all sit and complained that I was supposed to be doing kitchen work and I’m denying of helping them at their old age. My parents instead of understanding the situation, they told me to get adjusted and I shall help them and not to get any complaints from them. Their worry is it’s second marriage and they want me to just adjust and not worry too much about anything. My brother did indirectly tell them everyone should equally take the responsibility of doing things and since it’s my first baby I must be overwhelmed and depressed And they need to be little adjusting aswell. I had a complete natural delivery without any anesthesia or medication which gave a postpartum depression and on top of it sleepless nights with no help from dh and work all day and take care of the baby. If I didn’t have them I would’ve taken care of my baby by doing things only what’s required. Daily mil used to come up w some snack item like chakli or sweets of her choice and make me start the laborious cooking process which I just used to hate it. For me it only seemed like they were just using me and taking frustration since my dh married me without their acceptance.
    Fast fwd: after my second one was born my parents stayed only 2.5m and left and my dh never used to help me in the kitchen or feed the kids or chores or even helping the baby.

    He was in his own zone of drinking like finishing full Costco pack of beer for two days continuously and if he runs out he would just drive to nearest gas station half drunk and step out leaving the doors open and keep talking to his folks on phone loudly laughing giggling and bitching about me and wouldn’t care about little ones inside home. My second one had big time colic issue w severe acid reflux, evening starts and she won’t stop crying until it’s 12am. My dh would put my elder one to sleep and step out for his fun. My little one and me used to sleep in a different room and him w elder another. I used to be occupied w my little one while feeling tensed for older one If he would wake up. This torture kept going for months until it got to my nerves. And I called his dear sister who used to be on phone w him to listen all the bitching by his brother and feed him back saying how bad I’m for him etc. I told her about his drinking habits and she inreturn says all bad things about me that I’m a bad dil bad wife and bad mom etc and I am not worthy to talk and spoiled his brothers wife. So I understood after that conversation that dh completely is in theirs control now and they r only encouraging to make us apart by brainwashing him. Another night he left the doors open in the night and he disappeared after drinks in anger I threw a chair on floor closed the door and went back to the kids. If I tell my parents they’re not ready to listen or do anything about it. I felt so helpless..
    Everytime I ask him not to drink he would do more and do I daily without missing and do it more drinks to irritate me. And he picks fight when I say anything how does it affect me it’s his body his home his wish. One day the fight went in a heat that he said bad things to me and returned the same words back to him and his whole family.
    So he calls the cops lying to them saying I pushed him, I didn’t even touch him or do anything and cops came and inquired both of us separately I was crying nonstop not knowing what to do while holding the new born and looking after toddler alone I felt so miserable for situation I was put through by him. I did tell cops about his drinking habit but looks like it all depends on who called the cops first. And they warned us about taking the kids away as they see a risk of parents fighting. After that he realized it’s harmful for the kids and said sorry to me and what ever he did was in anger and would not do it again where our kids will be in risk.
    Since then I lost all the love for him. I just don’t like him anymore. I am in the relationship just for the sake of kids. Even now he drinks and does same thing.
    After too many fights he started helping w the kids like feeding my elder one while I feed my younger. He helps with freshening them in the mornings when it’s super busy. After fights he agreed to put my kid 1 in daycare and later I convinced for my kid 2 to join preschool. So I can get time to prepare and get a job and be independent. Soon after we put her she started getting sick a lot and barely goes to preschool and spends home w me. I’m waiting for the day to start a job when kids fall in routine. Now my kids r 3 and 1.5. I’m dragging this relationship for these little munchkins not sure if I’m doing any good w my life. All I know is he too doesn’t love me and only cares for his folks who only brainwash him and doesn’t want him to have a good life. They played a major role in breaking his first marriage and now this time again. They’re always back of his money asking for gifts too many demands from him and he tolerates all their tantrums but single thing happens w me he goes all against. After the kid2 lost all the intimacy and used to have separate bedrooms and now though we all sleep together I don’t yearn to be w him or feel any love. He comes every week for s’” I tell him I don’t feel loved and connected just cannot do it without it. After a point I felt maybe that is distancing us and started to be intimate and try to be normal but he would only use me for s— by patching up saying he won’t drink he will be good w me. then next day same routine of drinking and he doesn’t even touch me in regular days like cuddle or be intimate. Sometimes I wonder if we have any compatibility and intimacy to fix this relationship.
    — after all this I no longer keep any contact w in-laws as they I’ll treated and only used me.
    — and avoid any conversations with his folks bothers dh big time
    — I put a stop to her sister nonsense. But he still keeps sharing w her every detail of what happens w his including bedroom stuff.
    — his sis husband is a good boy only works and does things for the family but she misuses the freedom and dictate her brothers life like a hobby
    — no parent wants his child to be alone broken in marriage and live badly. But theirs r like that. They want him not to settle not to have a house not to do a single thing for his wife as they fight over things that he did in the past. But everything has to be done for them only.
    — parents never involve when couples fight. At least not encourage. But theirs add more flame to him by provoking him more to do it. Never seen any parents like that.
    — who will work with such kind of in-laws who wants only bad things for u.
    — they encourage him to drink as they know every time he calls them he does when he’s all drunk and to only extract what goes btw us.
    Recently he threatened me of divorcing me for objecting him on his drinking. He says being w me he’s not enjoying and doesn’t have a life that he wants. I said to do what ever he wants.
    I told him to book tickets to India I can take kids and leave any time. But in reality for me to get a job and settle down is better being in the states than leave to India.
    In the heat of arguments he’s often saying divorce. And says Whether I like it or not the laws here will grant it once he files.
    What are ur suggestions I feel lost..
     
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  2. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    More than that what bothers me Even more is his manipulative and controlling nature. He uses his political thought process on my parents and tries every way to make them go against me. He manipulates them as good son-il obedient and praises my parents and says he tries all good things on me but apparently I’m not a good person and don’t listen or (dance to his tunes in his language) and provokes then against me. Where as I always tried to hide things form my parents after the first fights judgement by them from next on he kept involving my parents and he would be the first one to tell them what happened and only shares other side of the story and provokes them to put me in line and I need to respect a husband. And my parents not trying to know what happened they jump to conclusions as it’s my mistake and it’s my second time marriage I shall adjust I got a new life. I need to shut up and it goes on.
    I am tired explaining them and even had many fights with them and now we are only in talking terms for kids to show them when they want to see the kids without any other discussions. I don’t feel anybody’s support and feels all alone in this battle. My kids are everything to me. I’m scared that he would file for divorce and would he take away my kids as I’m not independent yet. I’m not sure how the law works when u have small kids and a husband filed for divorce. Please suggest
     
  3. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    The only solution I see for this problem is you getting job sooner. Can you work now ? What is your visa status ?
    If he files for divorce you can ask for alimony. If you live in US can your paycheck afford day care for both kids ?
    How are your parents back home ? I don't understand why you took such a long break from work. Girl job is your first priority now. Just send the kid to preschool and work on finding job. Drinking and driving is a big red flag. He can kill someone . Least of your worries should be him taking away kids . He is not father material or responsible adult . One step at a time . First find a job . Slowly you can work towards resolving other issues . Forget about his parents and your parents . He is beyond repair and eventually he will damage your kids life . If he is willing for divorce you should consider it as a blessing and get it .
     
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  4. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi Mangaii- thank u for taking time to read and suggest.
    Yeah I know big mistake without a job. I got my work status through his help. He filed for my gc and his folks were mad at him and picked a big fight when they were here. He’s very good with kids otherwise, very affectionate loving caring and he’s paying for daycare too. Only problem comes when he drinks and does things with kids. He sometimes goes late to work when he get all drunk in the night wakes up with hangover and has difficulty going to work.
    I got my work status just 6 months back. So trying my little one to put in a routine and try for a job. But she’s falling sick a lot, I’m feeling pity and keeping her home and trying to keep her home. If kids get sick and stay home obviously my responsibility to take to doctor visit and watch them home until they’re ok. While he thinks I do nothing and whole process of cooking cleaning feeding kids watching tending itself is lot of work.
    I am not looking for alimony if he filed for divorce. But I want my kids, how do I get my kids what r the rules would he get the kids as he’s working and he can show the daycare bills that he’s paying for my son. And claim both the kids saying he could afford for both ?
    He already had a DUI from past still didn’t learnt a lesson.
    I also suspect he’s having an affair w his old gf. She’s married and living in unstable marriage she was ready to come out of the marriage with him before we both met. He told all this to me after meeting. But he felt she’s not happy in her marriage so she could be showing interest in him and ignored her. But later after many years he regretted the decision to not to pursue when he had the chance. but now with his words makes me feel that he wants to take both the kids and settle w that gal who doesn’t have kids and won’t have kids considering her health reasons
     
  5. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    I took 5 years break from career not sure if my pay would be sufficient for daycare bills for both the kids. First I need to get a job then see my options I guess.
    And my parents usually are not very good at talking. Meaning olden mentality like let it go everything will be alright and they first listen to him as he sugar coats everything. I don’t have a stand on my parents itself. I lost all the credibility which I was first time divorced it left a big patch as in the past ex in-laws were abusive and we all had to go through court case etc which left them bitter towards me. And when I was remarrying they were all happy but when I had second kid after all the fights btw us. They were just not happy about it. And both parties exchanged words and unpleasantness so everyone is silent right now not involving in our matters.
    Where as my dh convinced me to go for second kid saying he will totally support and my age is also in late 30’s so not good to wait more. He kept insisting as I don’t have status to work and it will be good time to plan for a kid until I get work permit and I didn’t know when I agreed second kid came. That was the big mistake going by his words. Now no body supports me... I feel miserable
     
  6. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

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    Forget about what he can do . Right now focus on finding job . If possible get help from your family . Considering he had a dui the chances of him having a sole custody is very less . See if you can find a home based day care with less number of kids . Get help from everyone around you so you can get past this stage . If possible see if he is willing to seek medical help to overcome his habits . Right now we are in weaker side but nothing is impossible in life . You can definitely come out of this situation using your will . If possible see if you can get help from friends to help find job sooner . You shouldn’t waste your time winning battles with husband and in-laws .
     
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  7. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    Ok I will try my best to get job ASAP.
     
  8. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    He had dui but wasn’t convicted not sure if that’s still the same.
     
  9. Aarushi

    Aarushi Platinum IL'ite

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    Consult a lawyer to find out all your options. If you can show that you have been the primary care taker of your kids all their lives you will be their primary guardian. Your husband paying for the day care does not matter at all. It is all about who takes care of the kids.
     
  10. AmulB

    AmulB Bronze IL'ite

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    they’re small kids 3 and 1.5 how can they tell who’s taking care of them primarily. My 3yr old got v attached to his dad since I got preg w second one and after dd came he got v jealous and started to get distant with me. He now prefers dad more than me. As my dh is v talented in joking w kids keeping all kiddish conversations and playing. I donr know if all this matters. But dh did say couple of times if divorce happens I can keep one kid so it will be second one. So he’s mostly spending time with elder one. What a pathetic thought of separating kids I don’t get it.
     

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