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Husband doesn't save money

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by helpmeplz, May 15, 2015.

  1. helpmeplz

    helpmeplz Junior IL'ite

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    I am married to a physician in US , and we are into 5th year of marriage ,
    having a happy married life with occasional fights here and there
    but over all having a decent life in US
    Problem is , we are two daughters and my father has property which he said would distribute among us , my SIS and bil both in soft ware stay close to my parents and we live in US
    My husband has a very decent salary here in US for his speciality he finished his education 2 years back , till than were adjusting in his minimal wage income living in a small apartment ,
    But now we shifted to a big house and things have changed a lot , any how we hardly spend 3 to 4 thousand dollars per month and he saves all the money
    which he transfers to his parents in india for the last 2 years which is close to 400 k
    he tell me that they are planning to buy Land in AP
    they have been telling me this stuff for the last 1 year and till now they haven't decided on any thing
    When i question about it , he says that they are busy with SIL's kids and stuff so they will start looking after Sil leaves to her place

    I kept on asking him to buy some thing as he has money in hand, but he doesn't listen to me ,and says what ever his parents buy he is happy with it
    He also asked me to talk to my dad to find suitable land in HYD and my dad searched few lands and informed them but PIL did not even visit the land which was very good one
    So i had an argument one day and he spoke to his parents to buy some thing fast
    and same day evening he started asking me to talk to my father to straighten out my property first

    He says that i have to get the property from my father first and than ask him about buying a property , he also me told me that my sister and brother in law who are S/w engg in india will get maximum share in my property as they don't earn as much as we do here , my father is a farmer who owns a good amount of land in Hyderabad , but he is still farming and living on it and i don't want him divide it
    My husband family is worried that my sister will take lion share in the land as we can earn out land , when i explained them that my parents are not like that they don't listen , As i am not asking my parents , they started to have fights with my parents
    they did not accept the Mangoes from our farm , which were best and returned them saying give it to your other daughter and Sil


    Than he forgets about it , when ever he calls india he again remembers to ask me for property , he is a busy physician , but on his day off he talks to his parents and sister on skype , will take my daughter to bedroom lock it and speak to them along with our daughter and he make sure that no one listens to their conversation

    and also the money that he sent to his parents are in his parents fixed deposit , not in my name

    we have a 2 year old daughter , he did not even buy a small amount of gold during all this time
    Initially i said lets buy some property first and postponed buying gold, but now he is saying lets buy some property and will buy gold next year


    We have good time as family over all except during this discussion about property that things get heated up , when i question him , he call india to talk about property and than he starts asking about mine

    I need help how to convince him to buy some thing as we don't know what will happen next moment
     
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  2. sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    I think he only starting pressuring you about your parents land and your share only after you started putting pressure about the money he is sending over. You want clarity and he is trying to show you what it feels like on ther side. It is not right, very childish but that's what it seems. If I were you I would work and save my own money, when his parents burn him in future he will learn his lesson. It is hard to stop sons from trusting parents from money matters, especially since they probably helped him get his education. I would stick my nose out of it, or let him know a monthly amount you require and don't worry about rest, it will work out. I have seen so many stories where sons get burned because parents put property land etc on all kids names or don't register it in the name of the child sending money and then it creates issues. Not much you can do here, unless you continue to fight and then he will continue your family pressure.
     
  3. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    OP, why is he interested in your dad's property. I understand that in the future it will be divided between you and your sister, but now it is his. And the land that you are talking about is something that your in-laws are buying on your behalf(meaning your DH's earning). I don't get the logic of him and his parents fighting over your father's earnings.

    Tell him straight that u r asking about ur DH's earning and he is asking about your father's which u or ur DH has no say about. Your father has the right to do whatever with it. Divide it equally, sell it, give more to you or more to your sister; your DH should stay away.
     
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  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Your husband should not concern himself with your father's property. It is your fathers' to bequeath as he pleases.
    Try to convince your husband to start some investments in the US. Since you have a child you can start a college savings plan. Also if you are not working it may be good for you to become financially independent.
     
    sindmani and dsmenon like this.
  5. PavithraS

    PavithraS Platinum IL'ite

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    @helpmeplz ,
    Yours is a valid concern.

    Are you really sure that your husband has not already invested the money in India or even in US ? Is there any chance that he is not being honest with you about his financial situation. Do you really know his actual salary and income and how much he sends home ?

    Is there any problem back home with your in laws, or to your in laws by their daughter's family ?

    Have they spent your savings for any other unavoidable, unforeseen situation ?

    How well off is your SIL family ?

    How knowledgeable is your IL family about financial matters ? May be they are waiting for an opportune moment to invest your money as well. You have to give them the benefit of doubt as well.

    My concern is even if they have invested the money you sent already, what if it was a bad choice of investment and they are facing trouble recovering it and are unable to come out openly with you guys for fearing backlash from you ?

    Do you feel that your husband by locking himself in a room while talking to your ILs , might be not telling the actual truth about the money ?

    If you feel these suggestions are very negative , please do forgive me. For my intention is not to make you PANIC .. but to give you another way of thought..

    Let me also add, whatever has been done with your money, do not worry that you will not lose it all. Since it is your husband's hard earned money without doing wrong to anybody, it will never incur you loss. God will take care of all our treasures..

    Do not Panic and argue with your husband asking the questions that I have posted here..If your husband himself tells everything, then nothing like that.

    If that does not happen, then you should take immediate , intelligent steps.
    Act shrewdly . Do some detective work, though without any knowledge of your husband's family or even from your family. Only if necessary, Use your parents help to find out secretly what is actually happening back there. Please be clear here, by asking your parents to be very discreet, and without causing any hurt to your ILs and your family, and find out the truth..

    By doing so please be careful that you do not end up screwing yourself big time in their eyes...

    Best wishes..

    Regards,

    Pavithra
     
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    OP,

    you are in panic, nothing you could accomplish by forcing him. I am sure that his parents were waiting to enjoy their son's money for a long time..say last 10 years. Life is just beginning for your DH. Stop nagging him, he is not a kid and he seems to be a responsible person. He will come to his senses to understand the reality.
     
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  7. helpmeplz

    helpmeplz Junior IL'ite

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    That is the problem , when ever i question him to buy some thing he talks about my property , their family has insecurity as most of my property will be given to my sister as they are not making much money , infact my sister and bil are moving to US
    they keep on talking about this when ever my husband gets time to talk to them , they start off with talking about buying property , than about my property and than they talk about other people ,
    Except for this saving's part , my husband is a nice guy , basically he believes every one is good and is not street smart , if some one requests money he will give them , he doesn't know how to invest and where to , and doesn't want to take any suggestions from my parents or me
    he only believes his father with money ,

    My SIL are also S/w engg and they are not well off , but they have saved their earning and bought lands in banglore and hyd and guntur , and also my husband occasionally send's some money to his sister's kids

    My husband also sent his first month salary to his sister so she can buy a diamond necklace , he promised me that he will buy me one , but back than i was so ignorant , i said lets buy some land and later we can buy ornaments
    but now when i ask him , he keeps on postponing and says lets invest and later i will buy stuff

    I don't work as he requested me to take care of the baby , he gave me a credit card to buy stuff , but i don't buy anything much except for baby , and buy what ever i need when he comes to shop with me ( he is good in that , he will allow me to buy what ever i need with out looking at the price )

    When he was still in training his take home salary was around 3200 dollars per month and we were happy back than

    But now with job he is making money and he thinks he doesn't need to worry about anything
    I keep on reminding him that not matter how much he earns , he needs to save some for our family , irrespective of our family inheritance
    Good thing is he doesn't hide or lie about his earning , and will tell me how much he sends to india and also how much he spends here and we share all the passwords including bank accounts and transfer accounts

    His parents , i don't know what their thought process is , they hate hyderabad as state is divided and they want to invest in AP , even though when we informed that currently prices are low and should invest here




    Our plan is not to settle down in US , but to get back to India in few years , after making decent amount of money , but he has to start building up his account before we can leave and he doesn't understand how much INDIA has changed these day's and what he earns here will still be considered middle class in india and he doesn't get that in mind
    He was not a money minded guy before , but after starting job he has changed a lot
     
  8. helpmeplz

    helpmeplz Junior IL'ite

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    And i am not working , I stay at home taking care of our 2 yr old daughter
    my plan is to do indoor gardening business once our daughter starts going to school
     
  9. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP:
    When the time comes that you inherit from your parents, you need to be very very smart in order to not have a bad outcome from this. You, and every woman, should keep her assets in her name only, no powers of attorney to husband or family, sign all papers yourself even if it means paying for trips to India/elsewhere. Even if someone is good today, life changes things in an instant and you need to protect yourself from eventualities. Here in the USA I have seen soooo many older generation women screwed over by their husbands because they let the husbands do every thing and the wives knew nothing. An example from here in my village: husband has government college teaching position with retirement program. He has several options of the pay out when he dies. One is larger payout and when he dies with little or no payout for the beneficiary (the dumb wife). So he takes the higher payout, lives it up, and when he dies she finds out she is going to have a really tough retirement in addition to losing the spouse. Anyway, I really hope you are not getting screwed by all this. You know maybe your husband is getting screwed too.
     
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  10. butterflyice

    butterflyice Local Champion Staff Member Platinum IL'ite

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    @helpmeplz, first of all, don't panic. You are not middle class in India even by current Indian standards and certainly not in US!

    I would suggest you to stop talking about the 400K already sent to India. Instead talk to your DH, convince him and buy a house here. You are going to stay here for a few years, its still good investment. That way you will lock the current and future savings.

    Does your DH have 401k or equivalent at work? Max it out meaning make him contribute the maximum which can be invested in shares. Buy blue chips if you dont have much knowledge.

    As he starts this process, he will learn the ropes of investment and hopefully it should put sense in him to ask his parents about the 400k in India.

    Tell him clearly that your share of parents' property has already been given through katnam. Say you are proud of his accomplishments and you are confident that you can build much wealth through your DH's earnings alone, you don't need parents' property. Your parents should decide what to give whom and when. Stick up for them.

    How is your PILs' investment knowledge? Did they guide SIL in buying property in the places you mentioned?
     
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