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Husband doesnt pitch in

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by ranjit2010, Sep 12, 2013.

  1. ranjit2010

    ranjit2010 Silver IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,
    I am glad i found this forum...I like the idea of being able to share our issues anonymously and take suggestions from fellow ILites...

    Here goes my issue :
    Both me and my DH are working in IT field. Like many other desi DHs my DH is also very lazy and does not help much with a lot of household chores...I have to run behind him atleast 10-20 times to get one job done from him. The thought of running behind him several times bfore getting a small work done, makes me just do it by myself ..The pbm is I think he hates me asking him to do something(not sure if his ego kicks in thinking am demanding work from him) ..He does not help one bit in the kitchen - i do all the cooking/cleaning etc..he also expects me to come groceryshopping with him and while I pick up stuff he will be happily browsing on his smartphone ..

    flash fwd 3yrs and we have a 1yr old baby now - needless to say household work (incl baby care) has doubled, tripled...But he still doesnt see me struggling hard and doesnt offer help unless I ask for it - and even when I do, it has to be constant nagging before its done. My parents were here for the first 6months after delivery and he did NOTHING - just left it on me and my parents..after they left we got a nanny and she was very helpful until the INLAWS entered. They are like most other ILs and I have had my own share of issues with them. Both of us tolerate each other for only one common interest - DH

    When we had nanny and were taking care of the baby alone, he atleast used to help here and there when I was busy in the kitchen cooking lunch/dinner, but ever since his parents have arrived he stopped doing anything and to add to it his parents make sure he doesnt do any work and dump it all on me - even when I am in the kitchen if baby diaper needs to be changed and DH is watching TV they call me to change and say hubby is just tired frm all day's work (as if i dont work -sigh!) ...MIL makes lunch over weekdays(but leaves kitchen so messy that the afterwork is more than the actual cooking) - dinners and full weekend kitchen chore is on me...In laws dont attend to baby at all when I am home - so I do all the cleaning/feeding/bathing for baby + kitchen work. Even when I ask ask DH to help me with feeding baby/ changing nappy once in a while they jump in to say oh baby doesnt feed from him you only do it ...I get really mad sometimes and loose my cool. The pbm is DH also takes gud advantage of the fact that I cant spk against them and escapes from helping me.

    Even when we go out, i have to do ALL the stuff for the baby be it before/during and after the outing ..While I do love my baby and happy doing stuff for her, I m human being too and not a machine and work just like he does and get tired just as he does.

    Why is that ILs fail to see that? Please help me on how to handle this situation? They are here for 6months and everytime they come its more work for me and husband really goes 20steps backwards in offering help (compared to when they are not arnd). I have expressed this several times to him and although he says he wil try to help arnd its only frm his mouth - nothin really happens from that discussion ..

    He is a nice guy overall, however, all these things of him taking me for granted has made starting to hate him :(

    Please let me know how I should handle this situation ..I am getting so irritated of constantly having to "ask" him for help(which I dont get) when he can see that I am finding it hard. Honestly, I think deep down my heart, i am "jealous" of him that his life has not changed infact bcome easier after marriage while mine gets harder and harder....
     
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  2. crazymom

    crazymom Gold IL'ite

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    You know the problem, so speak up. Tell your ILS you also go to work and are tired. When you come back from work, just be with baby and don't do much in the house. You are doing everything so they are taking you for granted. Make rules for the house and make sure everyone knows what is their role.
     
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  3. Chitravivek

    Chitravivek Platinum IL'ite

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    Ranjit: I am sorry youre so stressed on this. Lets just accept thats how men are but that does not mean that they are entitled to not to do household chores. Sometime even with my DH i need to tell few times and even after reminders I end up doing.. Of course for the most part he helps me. I think you need to sit and talk to your DH alone and set some chores eveyrday that is solely his responsibility and not yours. We have such division at my house like Cooking is me and cleaning is his.. Feeding DD is me and giving shower is his etc... May be this division will make it more clear for him what he can or should do during weekdays when both of you work.

    In laws- What can I say? Can you send them back by any chance.. I think all subtle issue between you and your DH may be due to there presence... Sorry I am not judging but guessing.. Personally no experience on that.

    Regarding the baby stuff.. Trust me in most family 90% of the baby stuff is carried on by the wife like getting them ready for outing and stuff.. But diaper changing come on your DH needs to do it.. Thats the basic stuff.. Just yell from the kitchen and say please change the diapers I am stuck here. no matter even if your Ils are present.. I assume youre working too and so does it mean a working women will not get tired but men will.. total BS to me...

    I definitely feel that your talk with your DH alone will help resolve most issues and remember to chalk out his work and give it.. If that work is not done on that day then dont do it and wait and see till he does it. You dont even have to remind him... Worst case forget to pack his breakfast or lunch and say you just forgot simply like how he forgot to help you :) and then youre stressed with too much work so tend to miss something.
     
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  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    >>>>>>He is a nice guy overall,

    Why do you think so?
    Nice guys don't treat their wives like slaves.


    Why do you do all the work? If the baby needs changing while you are working...leave her in his lap and tell him to change. If he doesn't and his parents ask you to do it...put the baby again in his lap.

    When you come back tired from work...tell him you are tired and have to take care of the baby...tell him to manage food...from where ever,however.

    If your in laws say he is tired...politely tell them ,you do the same work and get as tired.

    Take a stand now and there will be problem for sometime ,you may be declared a bad DIl but it is all better than being bitter and hating your life partner.

    Why can't you continue with the nanny even when your useless in laws are at your place? Put your foot down and say you are only human.

    If you continue like this ,you will fall sick and none of these people will be there to help you.
     
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  5. ranjit2010

    ranjit2010 Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot ladies for your inputs. He/his parents had "almost" made me think that I am the one having pbm of expecting too much out of him ...sigh!

    @crazymom/chitra - Trust me I have always been the one to take the initiative of speaking up if there are concerns in our relationship and always support the concept of being open and honest with each other ..but husband takes it for constant nagging and now doesnt even care if I raise such concerns. ..happily just ignores it sayin aah u just have huge expectations ..he listens to all of it but never really acts on them or changes. even last night I was so tired and have the bottle to him askin him to feed LO - he said no initially and when i started sulking sayin he doesnt do anything offlate, he just got angry and grabbed the bottle frm me to feed LO ...i then felt bad and asked him to return it and I my fed LO ..

    @yellowmango - we do have nanny part time frm noon to 4 and that too coz his parents dont want to feed LO (as they say she doesnt take frm them) and want their afternoon naps so nanny can take care ..I am reaching work late everyday coz I have to give brkfast to LO, prepare her lunch, pack my lunch n come..When asked DH why not we make her full time, his reply is "u are there to give her brkfast - after tht she mostly sleeps for an hr or 2 until lunch - so why bring nanny? its waste of money when my parents are here"...To him, its not waste of money to giv their parents rest and bring nanny part time in the noon - but is waste of money to bring her in the mornings to help me ...SIGH!

    And honestly I have NO expectations from ILs...they will not change. ...but what gets on my nerves is that they change my DH as well ..
     
  6. greenbow

    greenbow Gold IL'ite

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    Who is stopping you from speaking up? If you are choosing to keep up the good-DIL tag, then you have to face these type of issues.

    You can make your life easy if you want to. Instead of cooking elaborate meals, cook dal or sambar on weekends and save yourself time and energy. Get the instant curry packs and make them when you are tired. Trying to keep up the good wife and DIL image, yet expecting to make your life easy... is like wanting to have your cake and eat it too.

    Choose whats important for you. Your H is not running for the good-H image, so he is happily making his life easy, while you are left complaining.
     
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  7. Chitravivek

    Chitravivek Platinum IL'ite

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    If that is the case stop doing any work related to your DH or in laws ... Just do stuff for yourself and baby including cooking. They need to learn the lesson hard way. If your Inlaws are here to chill and not help with you and baby its better they stay in india.. They all need a strong whip lash form your and by stopping cooking and cleaning for them they will know.. SImply say youre tired and youre main aim is your baby right now
     
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  8. skyinsc

    skyinsc Silver IL'ite

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    OMG i think in laws coming to US for helping and inturn turning husband more lazy by not making him do what ever work he was doing earlier to help is present in all indian households!! I have the same problem..we both work and its unwritten rule that my husband helps me in kitchen by cutting vegetables (this is after a lot of cajoling /sulking etc from my end) and boom as soon as in laws come and see my DH cutting veggies my MIL feels so offended like i am encouring some child (DH) labor in my house and immediately she takes over cutting from him ...i dont understand what is so wrong if a husband helps a wife in kitchen work as if it is below DH's dignity to do any kitchen related work!!:rantDH gets so used to not doing any work while in laws are here that when IL's go back to india ,it takes months for me to UNDO their effect on my DH :drowning

    sorry OP , I couldn't help myself from ranting when i saw exactly same issue in your house too :bonk.your situation is so similar to mine in this aspect..i guess you have to put your foot down strongly when IL's try to intervene your DH help saying he is tired.. you just have stay strong and reply back smoothly (without losing temper ) that you too are equally tired and need DH's help. but first of all you shouldn't feel guilty (like how they make you feel)if your husband is helping you in taking care of baby..
     
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  9. beingloved

    beingloved Gold IL'ite

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    Stop cooking at home and hire a maid for it.

    If people want to eat home-cooked food, they should put in efforts for it.

    Your life will become easy and you'll be able to give proper time & care to your baby. Why handle all the responsibilities yourself when others are not doing it..!!
     
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  10. anmolhai

    anmolhai Platinum IL'ite

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    Big hugs to you!!! I can just imagine how stressed, irritated and tired you must be. you have some great suggestions. I have nothing to add as I am a softie myself when it comes to dh.
     

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