Husband Chatting With Divorced Ex Colleague

Flowergurl · Aug 6, 2016

Am married for 18 years and he's a very successful guy with a good character. Until now i never ever had any doubts about him regarding anything. There was this girl in his workplace (USA)who is a divorcee who looks upto him(i dont know her in person , what ever said is what i heard from my DH) and asks for his opinion about career this and that in his room. She's an above average looking girl(have seen fb pic). She recently moved back to india and before she left my DH took her for lunch(which is usual in his place), then he said she asked a lot about you(thats me). what made you take the decision to marry me...you know kinda personal drilling q's to figure what he saw in me and what he liked about me this and that. I could sense from my DH's body language and tone that there was a wee bit more than just two colleagues. After moving from the company also , she sent him an article that she wrote - which i found ok. Later she sent him a message through whatsapp and they chatted for a while. I never check his phone and came across it couple of days later and made a big deal of it. I literally dont want any uncessary drama or not in a position to take any chance with my life. Though the conversation was normal(no sex talk or anything) i could sense the enthu in his tone and how fast he was replying to her messages. Its clearly written in his face that he knows that she's attracted to him. Anyhoo,i made a big cry about that and after that day i thought he understood how i felt and left it at that. Fast forward 2 months, just now when he was in another country for work, they chatted and again the girl initiated the chat making comment about his profile picture and even after knowing how i felt my DH chatted with the same enthu. My DH is a very intelligent person , if i confront him i fear that he'll start removing all evidence for sure in the future. We have a good family and i used to tell people that i love my husband more than my parents or kids,...may be am being punished for that now...I strongly feel he shouldnt be trusted blindly anymore...I have no clue on what to do...feeling extremely low.

Do people in IT industry talk to men in whatsapp even when they were not best of friends or anything?He was not her boss /best friend or anything. Both cases I worked in IT but i never had relationship with any guys to this extend.

Bella1990 · Aug 6, 2016

What is enthu?
Read it twice in your post.

madras2018 · Aug 6, 2016

From what you posted, it appears that they are colleagues who are now also friends. I also think that there is nothing to worry about and you're over-reacting. Relax ! He's a nice guy and at most he *probably* (please note the emphasis) he likes the extra attention. Nothing more. And he's being transparent with you and not hiding anything. Once in a while when he's texting her you can occasionally ask him how this lady is doing. Never give him a reason to clamp up or hide things. At the moment I really don't think there is too much to worry about. Let him be friends, things settle down after a while in natural course of time. If the friendship deepens or if he acts in a manner unusual for him you may then want to ask him directly.

Flowergurl said: ↑

Am married for 18 years and he's a very successful guy with a good character. Until now i never ever had any doubts about him regarding anything. There was this girl in his workplace (USA)who is a divorcee who looks upto him(i dont know her in person , what ever said is what i heard from my DH) and asks for his opinion about career this and that in his room. She's an above average looking girl(have seen fb pic). She recently moved back to india and before she left my DH took her for lunch(which is usual in his place), then he said she asked a lot about you(thats me). what made you take the decision to marry me...you know kinda personal drilling q's to figure what he saw in me and what he liked about me this and that. I could sense from my DH's body language and tone that there was a wee bit more than just two colleagues. After moving from the company also , she sent him an article that she wrote - which i found ok. Later she sent him a message through whatsapp and they chatted for a while. I never check his phone and came across it couple of days later and made a big deal of it. I literally dont want any uncessary drama or not in a position to take any chance with my life. Though the conversation was normal(no sex talk or anything) i could sense the enthu in his tone and how fast he was replying to her messages. Its clearly written in his face that he knows that she's attracted to him. Anyhoo,i made a big cry about that and after that day i thought he understood how i felt and left it at that. Fast forward 2 months, just now when he was in another country for work, they chatted and again the girl initiated the chat making comment about his profile picture and even after knowing how i felt my DH chatted with the same enthu. My DH is a very intelligent person , if i confront him i fear that he'll start removing all evidence for sure in the future. We have a good family and i used to tell people that i love my husband more than my parents or kids,...may be am being punished for that now...I strongly feel he shouldnt be trusted blindly anymore...I have no clue on what to do...feeling extremely low.

Do people in IT industry talk to men in whatsapp even when they were not best of friends or anything?He was not her boss /best friend or anything. Both cases I worked in IT but i never had relationship with any guys to this extend.
Click to expand...

kcb · Aug 6, 2016

Dear OP,

This is nothing about IT industry or non IT. In Non-IT industry also men and women are working together. Irrespective of industry, only matters is how we set our limits. Till now it looks like they both are doing normal chat. If you try to push him too much, there is a chance he may start hiding things from you. If there is nothing serious between them, just observe. Ask your husband how she is doing, try to be normal, and ask him to introduce you to her. You also start conversation with her. You also be in the loop, so that you will get to know what's going on between them. Make it as a family association, instead of leaving them both alone on whatsapp.

ranirm · Aug 6, 2016

Please dont push it ..your husband was transperent about everything to you..if somethings fishy he would not have said younat first place ..may be she is showing interest in him so is ego is boosted and he is showing enthu..just make your husband feel that she is no special..may be he needs attention which he is getting from other women so he is capturing that..instead you start invoving more into him and do things toghether spe0cial moments etc..so she is just another friend for him..dont be a nagging kinda person so he drifts more from you..but keep an eye on that women just casually enquire about her without any suspicion and let him talk about her..yill he speaks about her to you his mind is out of any fishy thoughts..the problem comes only if he hides..

ivlakshmi · Aug 6, 2016

As long as its normal chat and nothing fishy , you dont have to worry much about it. It is ok to have friends in other gender as long as they are on limits. Make him busy with your kids so that he feels more responsible to you and avoid her.
He might be feeling concerned towards her as a friend and nothing more.

blindpup10 · Aug 6, 2016

@Flowergurl-
Guys like attention-Like many people have already told your DH may like getting extra attention from a woman. Many people here know a bit about me already- my DH was nowhere had a thin body type. After he has been working out for a bit over a year- he is in shape and gets all sort of attention from the woman at work.He can't resist bragging it to me!! It might just be a glance or maybe a bit of extra in hi-bye conversation. My DH who wasn't used to this( when he was not in shape)-- is over the moon with the attention he is getting. Guys like getting attention from any woman. It might just be that. No sane person will destroy 18 years of marriage for some attention he is getting from ex-colleague.
She is not the US anymore- So don't worry too much. There is no way she and your DH will be able to meet or hang out. Like you said- she looked up at your DH, she might need time to find someone in India to look up at or someone potential who she will date or to be preoccupied in. She won't hang on to your DH for very long. Remember- out of sight out of mind.

Evaluating life choices- Ex- colleague may be curious to understand more about herself and her life choices by asking some private question to your DH.

If you are bit like me- (a little bit on the paranoia side)
My suggestion is - monitor his chats. But don't react.
-Be in the loop of what's happening. If things are casual, just take it at face value.

Caide · Aug 7, 2016

Just say him wat u feel but in a way that doesn't make him feel bad... asking him is not bad thing according to but once u start to doubt r misunderstand it will grow into tree t s better to cut down at the starting stage

bron · Aug 9, 2016

Your husband sounds harmless but i find that woman's attitude fishy enough..coz why should she ask about whats special in you and why did he fall for you and all..i feel she is into something but not sure though

SGBV · Aug 9, 2016

They are no longer just colleagues, but friends. A guy and girl can become friends at any stage of their lives. Marriage or divorce doesn't matter.

Friendship is definitely attention seeking too. Specially when it is a new friendship. Probably your H is feeling happy with the attention he gets from this friend. As long as they are casually chatting, and there is nothing wrong here.
So, it is wrong to make a cry or drama out of it.
Accept his friend, and move on.
He is being truthful... And appreciate it.
He will lose interest in this friend once this whatsapp chat season is subsided. She too will settle with her real life hero once things fall in the right place. In between, keep an eye on them, and try to understand whats going on in her life.