Husband anxious over money. Does not allow me to spend at all.

A little background: Married for 13yrs, have kids, lived in US for 9yrs, moved to India few years back.


Each time I try to put forth my idea about money management, my H, says, "you be quiet and listen and do as I say, are you or me, earning? what do you know about money"?

I have never bought anything without his knowledge. It is 13yrs we are married.
Some of women I know demand so many things from their husband but my wish list is always empty and still he has to bring up the fact that I dont earn.

There was my cousin's wedding and I urged my husband to buy good dress for himself to wear for the wedding and he yelled at me ..." do you know how much expenditure that would be? can't I come to the wedding wearing the shirt I have at home? you go and earn then you will know what it takes!!!"

Even for buying a shirt costing 500rs or at max 1000rs, I have to hear that from him. Just so you will be thinking how much he must be earning to talk like this, I will tell you, he earns pretty well. It is comparable to a higher middle class income in India.

If I go and get a shirt for him, he says....."mind your own business, you didnt have to do that for me, and henceforth don't spend like that, I dont like it.....did you get that in your head??....blah, blah, blah!!!.....................

Really, seeing this attitude of his, I started working, salary not as much as his though. He was always moving, changing jobs, and so I could not get settled in one job at any time. He is fine with me being a housewife at other times but when I bring about spending on something he blurts out as if to remind me that since I am a housewife I should not question him on money matters.

I dont have a huge collection of sarees like some other ladies and I dont feel unhappy about it. I am fine but even when my demands are very very minimal why does he talk like that to me??
I feel more sad because he does not even spend on himself inspite of earning pretty decently and I cant even tell him to buy something for himself and he will not like it if I get without his knowledge.

He will not like if my dresses are faded or even slightly torn. He will ask me to go get new ones and I will do exactly that. I know I should not spend much and so I will be careful but still he says, "be careful with your spending, we have so much expenditure ahead....ok?"
When I tell him I know that he will say, "Yeah, you know but you get carried away too, seeing some fancy useless stuff".

I fee like retorting immediately but stop myself thinking in my head....

"UGH! And when was that?"

I have never bought anything above 500rs without taking his permission. YES!
And still he says that, even infront of his parents he says I spend much.

We have a house, though not a huge one, a 2 bedroom apartment of our own,paid off fully, we have all the gadgets needed for a family, though not luxury ones but necessary ones atleast and some savings. We even have couple of land assets too.
Kids are fine and doing good and I am not a spendthrift too and above all his is a good job but why does he still have that sort of anxiety when it comes to money, I dont know.

And Ilites I realise that since he is earning member he needs to be given that chance to make decisions.

Please analyse and write back......

 

Earlier, a friend of mine suggested this but I see that I end up using that money for family expenses only and not on myself. So, its of no use and moreover when I do that, it feels like a teenager asking her parent for pocket money.

Yes, I can since I worked earlier too for sometime but some of the jobs I tried required lot of daily transit to and fro everyday and my H thought it was a waste spending that much time in travel and even I felt I got too tired each day.
With 2 school going kids, it got more hectic since I had to look into their homework, make dinner, all household chores as the domestic help here is useless, everything on my own since dh usually comes home only at 7:30 or 8pm. Hence, he said, its fine you stay home and I agreed.

I am very sure and know that he does not have any debts. He himself is scared of loans and debts. If he owes someone even one rupee he will not sleep in peace till he repays that person. Sometimes, the other person is embarrased seeing my dh's behavior. Sameway, if someone owes him, he will ask without any hesitation too.

We have saved good amount as of today accdg to Indian standards. But, he is still worried about the future always and hence tries to control all the present spending to the extent I mentioned in my OP.

He has taken after both his parents. My inlaws are exactly like him. They are extremely stingy people. Infact, it is surprising how both my FIL and MIL are the same when it comes to money. They are 70 and 66 yrs and have some health issues but even to travel once a year within India to their daughters place they go by bus even though they can afford an air ticket. With all their health issues, they struggle to go only by bus or by train(2nd class that too).

As for siblings, he has an elder brother and elder sister and both of them spend extravagantly. Recently,my BIL ie., his brother, bough a woolen shawl for his wife which costed 60,000/-. That is just one e.g of the way he spends. They are rich but their spending is also very high relatively.
My SIL, buys clothes for whole family every month. She does not buy anything less than branded ones for her children and though they have school uniform but still they spend huge amounts on very expensive clothes.

I dont prefer this pocket money concept. It makes me feel like I am his daughter and not his wife. I just dont want him to comment in a hurting way when I wish to spend some money.
As you said, I will try talking to him. I have tried so many times but again I dont give up hope.

As for me working I have answered above to one of the posters. I depend on such a man since he is my husband and other than his stingy nature towards money he is fine in other qualites. The problem I have with him is his hurting comments when I want to spend even a small amount. Most of the times, his words fall on deaf ears but sometimes it hurts a lot, especially when he says you dont work so you dont know the value. My workplace all the time was too far and it just did not work out well with me.

Yeah, may be his brought up and personality. Yes, I will try telling him again and again to stop using those hurt words. Whenever I tell him, he says he does not mean it and I am the one who is irritating him and making him say that to stop me. I dont understand what I am telling which is irritating him that much. Most of the times, I observed that the topic of buying something irritates him.

I can never do that since it is just not ME to not share with him. I cannot stop myself from telling him every detail. May be my weakness too...

He knows exactly what words of his, hurt me and after sometime he will be the one apologising but he repeats the same thing. Often his hurting words are to put a stop on me instantly. I just dislike that attitude of his. He can tell me nicely too and I usually listen to him.
He is very good at talking and convincing me with his ideas so NO! He never comes down from his original rules, may be tones down a little sometimes.
He is too good at explaining on and on, for any length of time, why he is doing what he is doing and I am the one who easily gives in since I have no patience to go on debating with him.
And if at all, sometimes I tried that too, I stick to my ground and try to prove my point too like him, then at one point he will just throw words like these at me....even though I try to give a deaf ear but sometimes it hurts a lot.
"you are not the one earning, right?,

"listen, this attitude of yours irks me, you better shut up now,"

"do as I say and thats all",

"Its my mistake, I am sitting here like a dumb fool nodding my head to this woman who seems to think she is a know-all, what an idiot I am?"

"blah, blah, blah,blah..........."..................

Somehow, he manages to get the final word.

 

I also tried to teach him a lesson and make him understand how bad his words are by not being intimate with him. Whenever he gets that urge I try to ignore, I dont care and get away from there. But he is too smart. He will talk so sweetly, and finally make me feel guilty and feel sorry for him and I give in to his wish.
He apologises too quickly and gets his work done.
Later I curse myself and resolve to be more smart next time and that has never come till date.