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Husband Addicted To ****

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by memeera1234, Mar 23, 2019.

  1. memeera1234

    memeera1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Hey All,

    I am back here after quite a gap. Busy with parenting a little girl I had last year after 10 years of infertility struggle. Happy god blessed me finally!!!

    Now for the reason I am here. My husband is quite secretive with his phone. He will carry it wherever he goes. I for these many years didn’t bother either. Today accidentally I came across his phone and realised he had been watching **** videos and such other content daily. My kid wakes up often at night so making that as an excuse and saying that he doesn’t feel well in morning due to lack of sound sleep, off late my husband had been sleeping in a seperate room. Now I know what he had been doing all along. If at all I tag himself in photos on FB ( of which he is a part )he says I don’t use my FB account and doesn’t accept requests to post pics on his timeline. But **** sites and **** profile on FB he had been regularly visiting. I came to know of this from his browser history.
    Our sex life was never great. I was always left unsatisfied. But love compensated for sexual incompatibility. We until last year just had sex as part of baby making exercise as per doctors advise on “ those” fertile days. But still I let go my desires of physical intimacy since he had stood by me through thick and thin when all others in his family shunted me for not bearing a kid. The problem was with me medically so I always felt indebted to him for his love and care( other than physical ). Now after baby sex is reduced to once in many months that also if I take initiative. Otherwise No
    No. Maybe he is satisfied through masturbation or something after watching **** videos. I am in a dilemma. I feel cheated and can’t suppress my anger since I had let go my sexual needs and living almost like a celibate and he is happy in his own space. What do I do? Please advice ladies

    Meera
     
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  2. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Meera,
    If your husband is continuing to care for you, your child, and love you both, pretend not to know his browser history. Smut-videos are less unhealthy than smoking, or drinking arrack.

    You are within a year of your delivery. It is quite normal to feel depressed, and bothered by many things in this time. Pay attention to yourself in eating healthy, and getting back to healthy shape.
     
  3. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Have you discussed with him? Since you say he loved you and I'm sure he still does have an open discussion that it's making you uncomfortable. I'm sure he'll understand. Plus older men watching ****, I feel they'll be out of it soon unlike the teens who are exploring a lot of stuff in that. Just matter of time.
    You don't have to feel you are cheated. Men will be men. Have a word with him.
     
  4. senorita2019

    senorita2019 Gold IL'ite

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    Watching *** videos are common so fighting it is not worth it but ask him some key questions like

    Why he prefers videos and masturbation when he can have the real deal?

    Is he not feel attracted to u anymore?

    Did u criticize his performance and he shut down due to it?

    He has problems with sexual performance and does not want to indulge?

    You should know exact reasons to find root cause and fix it. Not talking or dodging the topic should not be tolerated when one person is fully frustrated
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Talk to him about how boring your life has become as a couple and that you feel you both need to spice things up a bit.

    Don't try to send him on a guilt trip for watching ****.

    Plan more romantic stuff with him.

    Increase your non sexual intimacy too so that he is not under pressure to perform every time you hug or kiss him.

    Like hug and kiss him when he leaves and comes back home.
    Do the same whenever he is nice to you and child.
    Cuddle up during tv time or early morning when you wake up.
    Ask him for a big hug before you get out of bed . Make him believe youenjoy his touch...whether sexual or not.

    He probably won't leave it completely. It is probably like an addiction now. Think of him like a little boy who won't let go of his security blanket.

    Cajole him into having real physical action with you.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
    silentlistener and senorita2019 like this.
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Ten years of making love on demand and according to your body's monthly calendar. Can you imagine the tension a man has of "if I am not able to perform, this month's window might go waste"?

    Ten years! Cut the man some slack.

    Rhymes-with-corn is not always chee chee bad. There are refined versions of it that couples can watch together and which can help get things started for parents weary with the care of a little child and worn out by years of TTC.

    If you can't beat them, join them? If watching it puts you off, try reading some? Leave a book or browser open to mommy_porn where he can find it?

    For those not keen to click on that, all it does is defines mommy_porn = a genre of mainstream erotic literature that primarily appeals to the sensibilities of mothers and housewives.
     
  7. Amulet

    Amulet Platinum IL'ite

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    Nicely put @Rihana. The man deserves a break. She doesn't have to serve popcorn and beer for his screen time, but she can at least let him be.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
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  8. Topaz49

    Topaz49 Gold IL'ite

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    Wow, I am proud of the ILs
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Sorry for posting again; the edit window is past in my previous post.
    Any big challenge takes a toll on the marriage. Infertility and TTC, more so. The years of visiting doctors, ruling out causes, trying treatments, switching doctors, if trying IUI then the whole circus around the sample, the stress of waiting to see if the month was successful ... This can alter the very DNA and fabric of a marriage. It changes something elemental in the man, woman individually and as a couple. Not all change is positive, not all change is negative. When TTC ends happily with a baby, it is not like the marriage forgets the struggle and becomes like any other couple with a baby.

    Your post is quite succinct. You have described quite well the problem and what you are looking for. Looks like your husband is happy with the status quo. You want change. Any clumsy or tear-filled efforts by you will push him away further. If the words are not right or too much of the past is brought up by you ('I was always left unsatisfied'), it will touch one of the most sensitive parts of a man's ego, he could flare up and say somethings you both will regret. You both need professional help to guide you to slowly achieve the state what you want. Maybe he won't come to therapy or counseling. Then, you have to go alone.

    Here's one more thing to ponder on: most likely he has been into it for many years now. Maybe he used to watch it just before the action on the monthly prescribed days. Maybe he thinks of it in the mind when with you. I am sorry - just trying to show you how deep and multi-layered the problem. On top of that, he will not think it is a problem. So, you have to go about this tactfully, patiently, and definitely with the help of a good professional. If you live in India, you will have to look harder to find the right professional for such a matter.

    Best wishes to you. What you want is totally valid. But go about it with the grace of a woman, not the I-want-it-now petulance of a child. You might already be doing this - count your blessings. In the darkest days of TTC, did you ever make bargains with some imaginary superpower that if you have a baby you won't ever ask for anything?

    And look into what I suggested in the previous post. Reading literotica or watching a version-that-appeals-to-females of what he watches won't hurt. It might help you deal with your unsatisfied feelings and if he comes to know about it, it could lead to a discussion about his habit, your love life and a heart-to-heart conversation. I am an old woman but some of the millennials I know tell me there is tons of this stuff online and legal and that good girls are also into it. With the busy and demanding lives people lead, it does not hurt to use such props or aids to make life bearable. There was also a thread or two here on how to order sex toys online from sites in India that ship stuff packaged discreetly.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  10. GeetaKashyap

    GeetaKashyap IL Hall of Fame

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    What a sensitive and sensible piece of advice, Rihana. Hats off to you:clap2:

    As you rightly said, some of these set backs do take a toll on married life. One has to relearn to let go the unwanted stuffs, love whatever God has bestowed and live with awareness and gratitude.

    OP, please stay positive and find a solution to your current issues. Spend sometime in grooming yourself. People with difficult pregnancies do tend to overdo their duties as moms. Don't try to be a super mom; be a little of wife, friend and your own soul-mate. I am sure you will emerge a winner when you approach the issue with pragmatism. @Amulet and @Rihana have indeed expressed very practical view points to ponder.

    This too shall pass. Cheer up.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
    Anusha2917, yellowmango and messedup like this.

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