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Husband abuses often!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by amudha, Oct 5, 2005.

  1. amudha

    amudha Senior IL'ite

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    I have a distant relative of mine (she is my cousin by relation), who is also settled here in the UK. I want to share the problems faced by her at home. I always find it difficult to console her for her problems or suggest her anything, for the fear of misguiding her.

    I have noticed that many of you seem to come up with matured suggestions and thoughts for the different Lakshmi's issue in snippets of life section.

    Though I don't expect a solution, may be you can give your suggestions for handling things better for her.

    My cousin and her husband constantly fight. She says he abuses her often, and at times even hits her. She wants to leave him, but they have a 5-year-old son, and she wants her son to grow up in a normal family, with both parents.

    She is not able to take this issue with her parents too (they live in India), also their marriage is a love marriage and she feels that they might tell her it is the life she found for herself and must face it. Also her husband does not have any respect for her parents and so she does not want them to get involved in this issue. She has only father-in-law (in India) and her mother-in-law is no more. So she feels delicate to talk this issue with her father-in-law too.

    What should she do? Should she stay with her husband for the sake of her child?”
     
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  2. ARCHNA

    ARCHNA New IL'ite

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    hi, in my suggestion this is what ur cousin shud do.

    first talk to the husband abt her feelings and how hurt she feels when he abuses her physically, mentally or emotionally.
    second tell him that she is aware of laws against abusive husbands, domestic voilence is taken very seriously. and he can be in big trouble if she files a complaint against him.
    all he needs is three strikes and he will be in for atleast 90 days. no bail/no connections ever help.

    be stern with his behaviour. this is not a normal family u wanna give to ur child its good to have no dad than an abusive dad around.

    tell him next time he hits u u r out of there and if he does please leave, show him u stick to ur words.

    i hope this helps!
     
  3. madhu_cute

    madhu_cute Junior IL'ite

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    Identify the situation / cause

    Hi Amudha,

    This is a very sensitive issue that I would like to mention I am only sharing my views.

    In my opinion I would want to handle your cousin's situation in a more assertive way than being agressive. Not only for the sake of her child, even for the sake of herself she needs to try all possible things to stay together in life. I would want to keep walking out of life as the very last option may be.

    They together need to identify the situation / cause for what & why their marriage is not working? Do they end-up arguing constantly? Or is it only one partner abusive towards the other?

    Your cousin's husband may act in a certain way that makes her upset – although he does not want to upset her. Similarly, she may do something that irritates her husband, but should realize it is not her aim to irritate him.

    They need to realise that they are two different people, and will do things differently, and, surprising though it may seem, little issues are one of the prime causes of outbursts between couples.

    Constant exposure to abuse takes a strong negative toll on children. Some children lose respect for the abused parent and tend to be rude or even abusive towards the parent as they grow up.

    So it is better they have a frank communication between themselves and find out the situation / cause for getting abusive and upsetting each other.

    Good luck to your cousin.
     
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  4. igo

    igo New IL'ite

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    Never Cry

    Hi Amudha,
    I am very sorry about your cousin. Tell to her never,never... cry infront of her husband. He will become sadist. He will do again and again. Try to explain him , he is dependent on her. Without her he cannot do anything (not by talking, by doing ).
    for ex. in the midnight she has to scream like "don't do that" like that. Some other midnight "i love U", Some other night "i con't live without U", Some other day " he is a very good man ,why he is behavaing like this?.".
    May be after sometime he will think about his behaviour. One more thing always praise him like "U are a very good man. Earlier U are so good , may be our bad period is going. So , U are behaving like this".
    After this kind of theropies , if he abuses her again then do DANDOPAYAM is the last one. Ex: give him motions tablets. After he became sick do seva. take good care.

    If our fate is good , then we don't have to do anything.
    Life is a natak. We are the characters. We have to act.
    Good luck to her. God bless her.
     
  5. igo

    igo New IL'ite

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    Women's are very strong.

    Mentally women's are very stong . Men's are very weak. So, think in a different way, and give him psychological treatment in a silent way.
     
  6. Varloo

    Varloo Gold IL'ite

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    Abuses often

    Hai,
    this is a very sensitive issue and should be handled carefully. Complaining about him is not going to help. One can say such things but this may also have a very adverse effect on their relationship. He may feel more irritated that she had degraded him. She can try talking to him and tgether going to a therapist or councellar. But I don't think men like this option. But she can try this. Or she can just keep mum when he kicks up an argument and slowly he may realise.Or she will have to get separated from him for sometime and make him realise. But this may give an opposite result, that is he may feel that he doesn't need him and may think of divorcing him. Or if it is very difficult, she will have to think of divorcing. But let her try all the soft ways before she decides otherwise. Always be patient in a husband-wife relationship.
    varloo
     
  7. purnima_2k

    purnima_2k Senior IL'ite

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    Think Wise

    Hello!

    This is a common situtaion faced by people who are long married. There could be many reasons for this :

    1) He is/ was hurt by some action of hers at some point in time
    2) He has an affair with someone else
    3) He is extremely stressed at work
    4) He has got some problem - like High BP etc
    5) He has got a bad set of friends or bad habits like drugs, alchohol etc


    First it is the duty of the wife to uderstand what the exact problem is. How does she react when he shouts/abuses her? Does she shout back? What action of hers irritate him etc. All that must be thought by her first. Then talk to him in private about this. Ensure that he still loves her, and if he doesnt, show cause as to what has gone wrong in their marriage. they should talk more about their little one and what impact their decision is going to have on him etc


    If the situtaion is really bad and there is no consensus arrived at, then the best thing would be seprate ways. Sometimes things are better when two people are not togther. They both can divorce, before that they can individually sit and explain to their son , that even though they are seperate, they would continue to love him and give him all the affection. Guess the ambience in which the boy would grow up would be better without fights, quarrals etc. Of course , this is the last resort/ step they should take.

    Hope things work out good for ur friend...

    Cheers,
    Purnima
     
    Last edited: Mar 2, 2006
  8. kika

    kika Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with Madhu cute and purnima..

    First find the reason why he hits or what makes him so angry to hit.

    If it is solvable btw them, it will resolve this problem.
     
  9. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    Women's Aid - Homepage
    0808 2000 247Free phone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline

    She can talk to them and at least work out options.
     

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