Husband, A Mummy's Boy Phenomenon - A Matter Of Grave Concern!

varalotti · Mar 13, 2007

The HAMB (Husband, A Mommy’s Boy) Phenomenon!

Well, Ladies, I promised to you something hot and here you go. Of late I am becoming notorious with many controversial topics like gossip, hypocrisy and jealousy. Many ILites, out of their love and affection, are sending mails and pms to me advising me to stay away from these and confine myself to Kambar, Bharatiyar and a walk around the streets of <st1:city><st1lace>Madurai</st1lace></st1:city>.

It is nice to have sweets; but to have it every day is a bore. Then you start dreading sweets. Once in a way you should take chilli-bajjee also. (You may ask the resident culinary expert for the recipe for the real chilli bajjee. And for the metaphorical chilli-bajjee you are welcome to Varalotti)

Believe me ladies before writing this thread I went through a thread in Family and Relationships Forum which deals with the same subject. I read all the posts there, word by word. I am proud to belong to a community which boasts of highly matured women.

I feel that you can get a glimpse of the problem even from the name of the thread itself. The complaint is always, husband, A mama’s boy. It has never been Husband, a Papa’s boy. At the most it has been at times, Husband, a Mama’s and Papa’s boy.

Don’t ever think that I am singling out women for attack here. Far be from me any such intention. But in the present social set-up it so happens that women are afraid of losing their sons to their daugthers-in-law.

Just think it over. Suppose the entire marriage system were reversed. Instead of women going out of their homes to live with their husbands, if men were to go out of their homes and lived with their wives and wives’ parents!

Well in that scenario there would be sites called www.indusgents.com where men would be lamenting about their wives. My wife a papa’s girl. This is not fanciful imagination ladies. I can see that in a very few homes where the man comes to live with his in-laws as “veetu mapillai.”

One of my friends is living with his wife and her parents. He hails from a middle-class family, while his wife’s side is very rich. He frequently complains that his wife often leans towards her father and does not support him.

This kind of thinking places the problem in its proper perspective giving us a convenient handle to deal with it.

Right from the time a boy is born his mother is a kind of goddess to him. A heroine and a role model. The boy even detests his father as his rival in winning over his mother’s affections. The much hyped Oedipus Complex is in full swing.
The mother too basks in that glory.

When the son gets married and a younger woman enters the house the mother naturally feels threatened. Her position as her son’s heroine is under serious threat. So she spares no pains to secure her position and resist the invasion. As the body’s immune system rejects foreign matter the mother rejects her dil.

And believe me some women would go to any extent to resist that. And when they view their dil as their rival in fighting for the man’s attention they unleash all kinds of terrorist activities.

I know a CA boy. His father had a small hotel near the office where I did my CA apprenticeship. We used to to hotel for our afternoon snacks. His vellaiappam, dosai and adai used to be very tasty.

His only son was doing CA in another office. The hotelier who had come from very humble beginnings was very proud of his son. I used to see that soft-faced fair boy at the hotel, manning the cash counter.
The boy finished CA pretty early and was hired by a big company in <st1:city><st1lace>Madurai</st1lace></st1:city>. People started rushing from all directions to give their girls hand to that boy. The father was on cloud nine. He almost conducted a suyamvaram and chose a PG girl who was working as a teacher in a local school.
Hell broke loose soon after marriage. The boy’s mother was so very possessive of her son that she could not even tolerate the boy and his wife sleeping in a separate room. They lived in a very small house. And the young couple was given a small 10 by 10 room.
The boy’s mother would wake him up pretty early in the morning. After despatching the dil to do household work the mother would ask the boy “What happened in the night?”

She used to say sternly, “Repeat every word she said.”

If the boy hesitated the mother would shout, “That bitch who walked into your life yesterday has become more important than your parents who gave their life and blood to see you like this.”

If the boy were to be treated like this imagine how would they have treated the girl! Very soon the matter went out of hand. The girl went to the Police complaining dowry harassment, which was of course false. The family’s reputation was lost. The boy could not withstand the shock. He fell seriously ill developed a cancer in his throat and died at the age of 41.

varalotti · Mar 13, 2007

Part 2!

I have heard of mils who saw to it that their sons do not have sexual relationship with their wives. A distant relative of mine died a few weeks ago at the age of 67. This man did not have any issues. I was talking to a relative who had been to the funeral.

She told me that the mans mother would insist that the man should sleep in the same room with her. The girl would have to sleep alone in another room. In the morning also she saw to it that the husband and wife did not have any time together. When I heard that a mother went out of the way to see that her dil did not become a mother I was devastated. I lost all faith in the human race for a while. Thankfully such extreme cases are rare these days.

Please do not think I am advising you ladies. I have neither the experience nor the wisdom to do so.

I am just sharing with you what I have observed. When a dil enters a family the first few days are pretty crucial. Everyone especially her mil will be observing her closely to assess whether she will be a threat to her or not. It is at this point of time that real strategy pays.
The dil should focus on what is important and should not try to change everything about the boy or the house just to assert herself. May daughters-in-law do that and are perceived as a threat to the family and are dealt with accordingly.

I know about a boy who hails from one of the richest families in <st1:city><st1lace>Madurai</st1lace></st1:city>. The family has a rental income running into crores. This boy has 7 elder sisters and is naturally the most pampered child in the family.

He will get up around 9 in the morning. Have bed-coffee. A leisuredly break-fast around 11 and a late, long lunch at about 2. Evenings in the club and supper around 11. Will go to bed around <st1:time minute="0" hour="1">1 AM</st1:time>.

He got married to a hyper-active girl hailing from an equally rich family. The girl will get up at 5 in the morning. Go to gym, a round of tennis, few laps of swimming and will have breakfast at <st1:time minute="30" hour="19">7:30</st1:time>. Then she will work in her Dad’s office, have a packed lunch in the afternoon. Come home for dinner around <st1:time minute="0" hour="20">8 pm</st1:time>. She was active in a host of social organisations as well.

The girl tried to change the boy. The day immediately following her first night in the house she woke up the boy at <st1:time minute="0" hour="5">5 AM</st1:time> and took him along with her to the gym. The boy’s mother did not knew about that. When the boy returned in a sleepy state at <st1:time minute="0" hour="7">7 AM</st1:time>, his mother was shocked. There was a tsunami in the house and it did not stop till the boy and the girl were divorced.

I respect the girl’s good intentions. But I detest her strategy and her sense of being in a hurry. Knowing that her husband is a Mama’s boy she should have waited patiently for months before making the first move. She should have lulled her mil into a false sense of security. The girl should have known that the disruption of routine is perceived as the worst threat by any mil.

The write-up is getting longer and longer and I have not said even 50% of what I wanted to say. But let me say the rest in supplementaries and in my responses to your post.
I will just say this. If the woman’s intention is to rule over a man and dominate him, then marrying a mama’s boy would be her best bet. The problem with most of the mamas boys is that they cant think independently and always want somebody to think for them. The mother did the job till marriage. And if the wife is clever enough she can by a seamless take-over process usurp her mil and enthrone herself in that position. For the man it is still slavery but only a change of masters. And you are still bound, whether the chains that bind you are old and rusty or new and shining.

Winning over a husband and having him eat out of your hand might have a million practical advantages. But I do not think any real love can blossom in that situation.

The best solution therefore in handling a mama’s boy will be to ensure a comprehensive personality development so that he starts thinking for himself in due course of time. Believe me ladies, this is much more difficult than turning around a sick company. At times it takes a whole lifetime to do that. But it is still worth the while.

Dear Ladies,

I have hardly covered 40% of the material I have on hand. But I dont want to make a very longish post. It is upto you to elicit the remaining 60% from me through your questions and reviews.

Over to you, ladies,

Varalotti

varalotti · Mar 13, 2007

A kutti post to carry this thread to the top.
sridhar

Kamla · Mar 13, 2007

It is brave of you to want to delve into this predominantly 'female' territory

Mama's boy or not, the picture of the husband that you have painted here comes across to me as the most insipid example of a young man. I don't think I will start feeling pangs of love for this creature who does not seem to possess his own mind or thought! May be I am being one-track minded and not realistic. But it is what I feel. Both the young man and woman who enter wedlock come with their own weaknesses, problems and mind set. Why should it be Only the woman who has to do all this mind analysis and research and strive to make the marriage a succes? Does this guy have no responsibilities, thoughts and other tender feelings?

Wake up guys, mama's boys or papa's boys or just boys....it is time we realised that world is changing and so should you!

I know, I am inviting a lot of criticism by voicing my feelings and many may accuse me of not being realistic. Probably, they are true. But I want to see a change and I am glad that internet exists today where thousands are getting to know their future spouses and hopefully will gradually do away with this mama's boys and papa's girls.

I know, I am dreaming of a Shangrila But what's wrong in dreaming?

L, Kamla

PS..Yet to read the thread on Mama's boys...will do so now!

Vandhana · Mar 13, 2007

Dear Sridhar,

Is it from the frying pan into the fire for you with this topic? I loved the way you have put forth your comments. Have you noticed in reel life too, they always depict " mama's boy" and " papa's girl" only. Never the other way round. Now coming to your "mama's boy theories" , do you find that it happens in households where the son happens to be the only son in the house? What is the scenario when there are say 2 or more boys?

I agree with Kamla 100% . Way to go Kamla:yes: , what you have said is cent percent truth. Either these men who are mama's boys should just remain that way and not get married. Or have the cpacity to think and trouble shoot the problems themselves. Why is it that it is always the wife's responsibility to troubleshoot and solve such problems. The men have to at some point standup for themselves and their lives. After all moms are not immortal.

I do not buy the "they will get hurt" excuses. I think women are made of sterner stuff, yes if tomorrow my son comes and stand up for himself and his wife, i will feel hurt, but thats not the end of the world.

Kamla, like you said, mama's boys or papa's girls, are so because they want to be coddled for all their lives. Then so be it, why get married at all. Of course i don't think they pause to even think ahead as to who will coddle and comfort them when their folks times are up in this world.

Sridhar, i do agree with you in the second example you have given about the girl needing to wait for sometime before trying to change her hubby's habits, but in the other examples, i think the men lacked the backbone to tell their moms off , and so there is no one to blame other than themselves for the mess they made with their lives( married and thereafter) .

Vandhana

jothi · Mar 14, 2007

Dear Sridhar,

This is a heavy topic. This is unfamiliar territory for me. I have come across some mama's boys here and there.
Here is my two cents.

I agree with you that many mothers are indeed petrified of losing their sons to their DIL's and turn into henpecked men. I think it is one of the idiosyncrasies of being a women. Women like to be the powerhouse of the family. They like to be the authoritarian in the family, be it the MIL or the DIL, either way they tend to be assertive.
If mothers bring up their sons with good moral values and teach them to respect women, then they dont have to be worried about their sons falling for their wives. They will also learn to think for themselves. The same goes for all mothers with daughters too. If all MILs treat their DIL's as their daughters and if all DIL's treat their MIL's as thier own mothers then families will be better places to live in.

Hopefully, daughters and mothers today will be better MIL's and DIL's tomorrow.

Regards,
Jothi.

PS-Sridhar, Are we going to see a thread on henpecked men too????

Nischel · Mar 14, 2007

Varlotti ji
u are 100% true in ur observation about that family in Madras.It is cruel on the part of MIL to seperate the couple with out allowing them to sleep in a seperate room.In such case why she agreed for the marriage of her son with another lady ?She can have affection towards her son but there is a limit for it.
Not only that she could recollect her past days that if her Mil behaved in this
way towards her how this boy could be born to her. Actually is it not a pleasure for her to see that her son have sexual happiness with his legal wife
and begetting children in their house? she must realize that sexual happiness is also a must for all human beings just like thirst and hunger.How she enjoyed with her husband during her younger days? is this boy is not the fruit of that enjoyment? don't she expect her son also the same type of
happiness? How can she expec:yes: t grand children without allowing her son and Dil to sleep together?it is nothing but mere foolishness but not affection .she
is directly making her son as a misfit in the society.such Mils shoud be taught a lesson for the better society still a lot is there but next time ThanQ
Sd/SASTRY

vaidehi401 · Mar 14, 2007

I agree with the author on this - he touched upon a realistic scenario. In this context the DIL should handle the MIL tactfully and she will have to use her husband to the maximum extent to build bridges between her and her MIL

dharma · Mar 14, 2007

Dear Varalotti,

Kudos to you, for knowingly taking the risk of treading on potential landmine !
But it is best to discuss, rather thrash out some topics, to know the present day pulse !

I am a Dil and by God’s grace, should become a prospective MIL in the next 10-12 yrs !

Let us accept there is “mama’s boy” syndrome in every man, whether he be the only son or one of many sons. Now tell me, is not Oedipus complex present in every man? – only the percentage will vary. It is a sub-conscious instinct & I think, both mother and son must co operate to make sure the Dil is not a victim. Do we ever complain about the counterpart – Electra Complex in a woman ? No ! Never !! We take pride in calling ourselves Papa’s darlings, but refuse to accept it in our husbands.

What you have written about are extreme cases, but equally rare also.
I can write only from the view point of a woman & dare not write how a man should learn to come out of it. However modern or educated a man may be, let us not debate how he can change himself. It is not in our hands at all. I think we, women, should learn how to tackle it.

The DIL has to enter the family initially with the conviction that she should slowly but steadily & more than that, gracefully consolidate her position, as an equally important person in the son’s life, if not more ( atleast to start with!) than his mother. If she thinks she should rightfully and vehemently establish or ascertain her position from the very first day, accusing the husband of being Mama’s Boy, it is likely that her plans may misfire ! I personally think, winning over the Mil, is a sure winning strategy rather than antagonizing her at the outset. By “winning over”:, I definitely do not mean “ chamchafying” her. Unless what she says is very unreasonable, there is nothing wrong in toeing her line. Once she is convinced about you, your case is half won. Then when she is more confident with you, she will realise that you are no more a rival, but develop closer ties with you. The “mama’s boy” realizes his responsibility as a husband and his concept that Amma should not get hurt at any cost, plays a less important role. He realizes, his wife can tactfully, smartly and not the least, lovingly tackle his mother and he starts “looking up” to his wife.

Just like it is said “ the way to a man’s heart is through his mouth”, I would say “ the way to a MIL’s heart is through your smartness in the initial days of married life”. However much you feel strongly, try to avoid rubbing her on the wrong side, because only then you will be the ultimate winner. The “mama’s Boy” image which was looking like a monster glaring at you initially will no more matter to you, but look like a speck of dust – just the “iru kotukal thathuvam”.

So, call it, our selfish ulterior motive, it is worth, leaving aside all prejudices( however strong) against your MIL, her “mama’s Boy” & make friends with her for his as well as your own sake. You are the beneficiary !! What cannot be prevented has to be tackled, without anybody getting hurt in the process.

Regards
dharma.

meenaprakash · Mar 14, 2007

Hello Sridhar,

This thread should benefit all those "to be married" guys & gals. but unfortunately there are no said rules to follow when it comes to dealing with MILs. Most of them are too crooked & great strategist (noone will know what would be their next weapon against DIL) - the reason that they had a hard time living with their own MILs when young could be one reason for such attitudes. there seem to be a lot of changes in relationships now. But the basic remains the same - a mother in law is only a MIL and can never be considered a Mother. same with DILs. she can only be a DIL and never a Daughter.

I certainly agree with your solution that we shld wait for sometime before taking up "project - changing hubby" PROVIDED, he's worth it. A man who can't think for himself, who can't take decisions for himself & family, is surely not man enough & I wouldn't live with such a man. If the problem is only with MIL - it's easy to adjust.

All MILs want to be leaders. just allow them to be want they want & the problem is solved. Instead of taking over things immediately after marriage, just enjoy for a few years with hubby & later with the kid by then, MIL also would age a bit and she won't have the energy to even start a fight. once kid arrive, a lot of fights get diverted and after adding a few more years the family inherited property will keep the in-laws busy. want to what the inherited ones are - the usual diseases, sugar, BP, kidney trouble, back-ache, cardiac problems - I would say these are the real inherited properties taht we pass on whether the off-springs like it or not.

Separating Son from wife in the night is all a bit too much but if the Son is man enough, I don't think these stuff can happen. I think the FILs do have some kind of role to play in life and they shld control MILs when necessary. Mother questioning Son on What happened in the night, makes me puke.